Black Sheep Caught in a Cobweb

By Mirabelle Pereira

Normal families make fewer enemies, but dysfunctional families make better memories.

Mirabelle Pereira shares twenty vignettes featuring her family, which has caught the attention of law enforcement and airport authorities around the globe (but youll have to read part two of her memoirs to learn why, which is coming soon).

In each anecdote, self-assuredness is suppressed by unfortunate circumstances leading to both humiliation and epiphany.

Disclaimer: The reader must not take themselves too seriously as this could lead to the author being potentially put in a home in the countryside.

Join Pereira on a humorous and unforgettable ride that celebrates the confusion and dysfunction of a large family in a self-deprecating manner in Black Sheep Caught in a Cobweb.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing India
• Release date: Oct 13, 2016
• ISBN: 9781482885842

Mirabelle Pereira

Mirabelle Pereira lives in Kensington, London where she keeps a number of skeletons in her closet, which she intends to let out in batches over time.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 by Mirabelle Pereira.

ISBN:      Hardcover   978-1-4828-8586-6

                Softcover     978-1-4828-8585-9

                eBook          978-1-4828-8584-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

www.partridgepublishing.com/india

Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 Nita 1.0

Chapter 2 Coco

Chapter 3 Floods

Chapter 4 Sandra

Chapter 5 Alcoholism

Chapter 6 Phuket

Chapter 7 Nita 2.0

Chapter 8 The Plant

Chapter 9 The Great Gambler

Chapter 10 Raoul

Chapter 11 Poga

Chapter 12 Paris

Chapter 13 Violin

Chapter 14 Catherine

Chapter 15 Sri Lanka

Chapter 16 Nurse

Chapter 17 Spanish

Chapter 18 AI 131

Chapter 19 Allergy

Chapter 20 The end of the beginning

Foreword

‘Humour is the essence of life…’

I am glad that our young writer ‘Mirabelle Pereira’ has made a foray into story writing introducing humour as part of life’s journey to happiness.

It is interesting that each anecdote ends with a smile giving a lovely twist to an otherwise regrettable end!

Keep it up- this is just a beginning to a glorious, humorous life!

Nana Chudasama

Preface

In the famous opening line of Russian classic Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy writes, ‘All happy families are alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’

I still haven’t decided whether we are an unhappy or a happy family, but I do know that we are certainly not like any other on this planet. Watching a recent movie with my grandparents and mother (only half my family) was a surreal experience. Not only because it was an entertaining film, but also because it felt like watching a home video. There on screen was a dysfunctional family hiding their imperfections and insecurities for the sake of saving face in the upper class society they belonged to, only to finally lose it as there’s only so long you can lie to yourself and the world. That was definitely us, except we hit our breaking point a long time back.

We are a group of oddballs. There is simply no better word to describe us. If you had to make a list of what one would view as dreaded or controversial, we’ve covered it—gold digging relatives, divorce, adoption, cancer … and those don’t even cover it all. But this book won’t discuss all of these. Whether people will view this as a posh person’s angst or baseless writing, it is up to them. But the one thing I can guarantee you that won’t be said is, ‘This happens in our family as well. These events are nothing special’ because that’s just not possible. Every family is mad in a different way.

What has stayed constant about my family is, despite going through all these ups, downs, turns, hurdles, and rollercoaster rides, we’ve never let go of our sense of humour. Laughing at the hilarity of our situation and saying, ‘This could only happen to us,’ not in a self-pitying but a self-deprecating fashion is a tradition this book celebrates. I’ve chosen twenty episodes stretching in chronological order reflecting on some of the most bizarre stories I have to tell.

We may be self-deprecating, but we aren’t cynical about the future given our past together. Everything else in our lives has, can, and will vary but till date I am yet to see a unit that has remained as tightly knit as ours. I would like to believe that many more units like us exist. Most importantly, it is my sole prerogative to make fun of my family and laugh at them—everyone else is more than welcome to laugh with them.

All names have been changed to preserve the dignity of those involved. All incidents are 100 per cent true, including dialogues, characters, and details.

For you, Catherine, the stray kitten (R.I.P).

Introduction

Self-diagnosis:

The grandmother

- A pathological liar hosting secret blackjack meetings everyday at home which she dubs as a daily ‘computer class’.

The grandfather

- Second in line to the matriarch, he often disappears on mysterious foreign trips and emerges when a whisky bottle is popped out despite having suffered from two strokes.

The mother

- Definitely suffering from social anxiety and nervous disorder; known for a beetroot-like complexion enhanced by her particularly thin layer of skin that allows you to see her veins and arteries. Never needs an x-ray.

Jasmine, the aunt

- A victim of hypomania where she has a chance to show off her virtuous self by taking on tasks too ambitious for the shoes she’s worn; her favourite being that of a tiger mother.

Keith, the uncle

- Hit hard by the truck of obesity but combating those results through regular marathons where he has a chance to show off his dragon tattoo.

Sid, the brother

- A love-sick boy, suffering from chronic laziness. Not much else is known about him.

Zara, the cousin

- All of seven years of age, having terrified three nannies back to their villages; she is known for her Mary Kom-esque build and regularly does 100 push ups on the bar.

Myself, Mirabelle

- Bitten by the bug of insanity from the time; I was born much like the rest of the gang, the effects of this are being revealed by the day.

Chapter 1

Nita 1.0

Sanity is a façade we put on for society; madness is the state we are put in by family.

I sat on my grandmother’s bed as she spoke on the phone, ‘Okay, yes, she’ll be coming on Tuesday-yes, her mother will accompany her.’ I had no idea where she wanted me to go, but I was already dreading it.

From the time I was five, I was told that I would attend ‘talking classes’— a strange procedure in which I would go inside and talk about my feelings, as my mother sat patiently outside engrossed in a magazine. We would take turns to do this. Of course, it was only at the age of 12, three years after those classes had stopped, that I realised I had actually been seeing a shrink. I still don’t know what was wrong with me.

My mother would accompany me every Wednesday during my summer break at 11.30 a.m. to meet with who was apparently the most accomplished psychiatrist in the country—Dr Nita. Her office undoubtedly did her justice as we trudged with extreme caution down three crumbling stairs to wait for the door to be graciously answered. We often stood for more than five minutes in the energy sapping heat, watching a bucket in the corner collect dripping water from a pipe stretching from a toilet whose existence I am still in denial about. When we were finally let