Behind These Walls

By Heidi Mendez Harrison

Behind these walls, it all starts overnew rules, new people, new stress, new food, and a new environment. Theres time to think, think about things I didnt before, things I hate, things I need, and the reasons Im here. Im here because of the decisions I and others have made. Im taking the fall for most and doing more time than I ever have and being put down further than I already am. Im taking disrespect, feeling as if I dont belong and never did. With all the stress building up, its hard not to explode.

After being in here for so long, I barely know myself. I put on a mask, hiding my emotions and feeling nothing but being alone, unappreciated, unrecognized. Sometimes I think Im becoming a society soldier being formed into someone I dont know. I wake up every morning after sleeping like crap and see the lights that never turn off, the white brick walls, a metal toilet, a door in my favorite color. I sleep on a concrete slab, but I guess its not that bad. Im no stranger to moving. Ive slept on, eaten, and been through worse. Ive been to the point of no return, but that one thought keeps me pushin, and Im glad it has because without it, I might not have been here today. With all Ive learned and continued to learn, Im starting to see a future, and Im starting to plan, to take control, to form my life.

With all the time Ive had in here to relax, I find it hard with everything on my mindmy mom, my dad, my future, my failures, and how Im going to change to create myself. One of the hardest things is being away from everything Ive worked formy work, my family, my friends, and my future. And behind these walls, some just dont understand what some of us go through. Some say were just reckless kids or we never should have been born, but what they dont know is that were just lost in an ever-growing world that is always changing and because of one decision, our lives were changed.

So my message to you is this: think before every decision because your time and freedom are the most important things in our lives. Dont waste your time and freedom behind any walls besides the ones you built and build.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 8, 2016
• ISBN: 9781514477489

Heidi Mendez Harrison

Heidi Mendez Harrison (a.k.a. “Rapping Grandma”) is a bilingual actor, director, choreographer, and member of SAG-AFTRA and Actors’ Equity. She has worked professionally in New York, Mexico City, and Madrid. She has a BA in acting and an MA in directing. Her love for teenagers drove her to receive two teacher’s certifications. As a teacher, she is in her dream job at Pioneer High School of the Performing Arts, teaching improv, speech, acting, and playwriting. As an actor, she has most recently been seen as Mrs. Peterson in the TV series Granite Flats. As a director, she returned to the Jackson Hole Playhouse for a production of Steel Magnolias. In August of 2014 and in response to a personal spiritual revelation to her question “Now that I am an empty nester, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?” Heidi started volunteering nine hours a week, doing theater with kids locked up at two Utah detention centers: Slate Canyon in Provo and Salt Lake Valley DT. “I’ve always had a gift and soft spot for adolescents with an attitude,” she says. She encouraged the kids to write autobiographical stories, raps, poems, songs. The first one turned in was titled Behind These Walls. In a year, she has collected over 150 writings. Every week, more are added. Volume 1 is just the tip of the iceberg. “These are not throwaway kids. They are artistic and unique. Their voices need to be heard, and these kids should have a safe place to create when they get out.” Heidi Mendez Harrison is CEO and founder of Act Risk No More, a nonprofit youth theater company where teens can write/perform their heartfelt, edgy works. It doesn’t matter if they are bipolar, ADD, depressed, OCD, etc. As someone who also deals with ADHD and bipolar issues, Hedi realizes that God has given us weaknesses that will be turned into strengths. To those with drug issues, she preaches that applause is the greatest high. To those who have made bad choices or are suicidal due to abuse or neglect, she points to the arts as a rescue. Heidi often goes to court to convince the judges to allow the kids to do community service hours through Act Risk No More. The nonprofit creates original plays from these writings and performs them for the kids in rehab, DT, O and A programs, work camps, group homes, etc., all over Utah Valley. The dream is that this book will be soon turned into a Broadway musical, all the over 150 writings will be used in a documentary, and the rescue mission of Act Risk No More will become a national institution.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 by Heidi Mendez Harrison.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 06/07/2016

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

738443

Contents

Prologue

(1) Here

Behind these Walls

I shall remain

Listen

Lock Up

What it is

BS in DT

It Used to Be All About that Dank

My Life

(2) Hurt

Life

MONSTER

Letter to myself

Fallen Angel

DEVIL on my shoulder

For Hedi

(3) Home

Shit Happens

Layers

Daddy’s Little Girl

My fu*ked up life

A Cool Fool

My dear baby Sveta,

His Last Words

The First Five Years Of Life

Massacre

Liar

When I see you

What Next?

My Life

(4) Homie

I

What my mind finds

Colors

OCT.

Hopeless boy

Life behind bars

What is it All For

(5) High

*The dope game*

It’s not a way of life; it’s a way of living.

Billy Crystal

Charlie

Alcoholic

The last tear

My experience with the dirty dirty dope game!

(6) Help

My Life

I’m gonna Be Fine :)

Words

What’s Inside

(7) Hope

Hope

THE REAL ME

For Heidi

The Big Waiting Game

Roses are red violets are blue

It Is What It Is

Step Into The Light

Taking Flight

One-Day

Heroine

Conflict

Graffiti

Dedication

To my husband, Nick, the love of my life, who has always been willing to jump on the roller coaster (he’s also a little ADD)! To our three sons Max, Luke, and Sam—who taught me to love unconditionally through those teenage years and beyond. I truly rejoice in my posterity! And finally, to the kids who come into my life every day and give me a reason to wake up in the morning.

The proceeds of this book will go to help struggling teenagers through the artistic rescue mission of Act Risk No More, a nonprofit youth theater company..

Prologue

As I was planning on initiating a career in Hollywood as a new Hispanic Betty White, I received a distinct impression one Sunday at church that God needed me instead to focus on supporting kids in detention centers. The impression impacted me so strongly that I knew I had to adjust my plans. As of August 2014, I have been volunteering at Utah youth detention centers; Salt Lake Valley DT (Alpha 1 and 2, Charlie 1 and 2, Delta 1 and 2) and in Provo Slate Canyon (Glacier, Pinnacle, Kiva).

I have met teens who are battling with depression, anger, abandonment, alcohol and drug abuse, cutting, suicide, gang influence, physical and sexual abuse, truancy, teenage parenthood, misdemeanors, felonies, risk-taking, oppositional defiance, incarcerated or drug-addicted parents—the list takes your breath away.

Equally breathtaking is the ability and willingness of the teenagers I work with to turn their desperate situations into a piece of writing, song, rap, or poem to put in my book. I have requested their permission to bring their creative expressions into a theatrical show called Behind These Walls. This title was created by a young man in Kiva, who wrote the first monologue whilst in detention.

The show is a collage of writings that are performed by teenagers who have moved out of the detention system, have experienced similar challenges, or for whom these difficult circumstances resonate.

Teenagers perform back to teenagers in detention centers. The outcome is, more often than not, cathartic and, in some cases, life-changing.

I now have close to 200 donated writings, with more on the way. This book is the first volume, and you will notice that I have chosen to keep each page in the original spelling and grammar. (Only the names of their lock-up units are used to comply with confidentiality requirements.) Other than modifying the occasional F word, there has been no editing, no judging and no rewriting of thought and expression. As such, the language, style, and emotion are as raw as they are authentic. I have also included some artwork created by these remarkable kids.

This book is a collage of writings. I have organized them into seven broad categories:

Here—the lockup experience

Hurt—physical and emotional pain

Home—family influence

Homie—gangs

High—drugs

Help—the plea

Hope—the future

Interestingly, I found that most of those 200 writings fell into two categories: Home—the importance and influence of family; Hope—the light at the end of the tunnel and belief that there is a better life to lead.

Thank you for reading and coloring.

Love,

Heidi

39224.png

Behind these Walls

Behind these walls, it all starts over, new rules, new people, new stress, new food, & a new environment. There’s time to think, think about things I didn’t before, things I hate, things I need, & the reasons I’m here. I’m here for the decisions I & others made. I’m taking the fall for most & doing more time than I ever have & being put down further than I already am, taking disrespect, feeling as if I don’t belong & never did, with all the stress building up it’s hard not to explode. After being in here for so long I barely know myself, putting on a mask, hiding my emotions, feeling nothing but alone, unappreciated & unrecognized. Sometimes I think I’m becoming a society soldier being formed into someone I don’t know. Waking up every morning after sleeping like crap,