Flying with Crows

By Tracy Amos

Kyler is back with another heartbreaking story of addiction and love. She finds herself caught up in Josh's fidelity issues while trying to help Mike through a horrible time of addiction and borderline insanity. With the help of her closest friends and family, they bind together to give amazing amounts of strength and faith, and throughout everything, each of them finds his and her own ways to endure and sustain. Family is not always about blood, and never has this been made so clear to Kyler and Josh as they work through their own problems and find home and family and love all over again.
Through terror, fear, pain, and distrust emerges beautiful peace and, once again, calm serenity in the form of support and unerring strength.
Family is not always about blood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503544888

Tracy Amos

Empty places hold an essence that reflects the people who once resided in them...from a different time, maybe a different era. These places have untold stories that may never be known. However, rather than just have them fall into desolation and forgetfulness, I opt to capture these unique structures in pictures and let what's left of them tell their own stories and depict their own pieces of history. I absolutely love abandoned places and try to explore them when I can. Anywhere from small two-room dwellings to huge, vacant factories or decrepit hotels...I love finding these places, noting the unique facades and imagery of certain eras that have long-since passed, and I often speculate on who lived there, who visited, who worked in these structures. It's always a mystery.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Kyler finished licking the last envelope closed and placed it on the stack with the others. She took a sip of her coffee, wished for a cigarette, and popped another grape in her mouth instead. Walking over to the window, she gazed across the parking lot to the small playground on the side of the building and watched as Eli slid down the slide and Josh caught him, laughing.

She offered a small smile and felt her heart swell with love for that little guy. And Josh too, of course, but God, Eli had a hold of her heart.

A soft knock came from the door and she made her way across the living room. Lamont’s eyes met hers as he stood out in the hallway and Kyler gave a warm grin.

Hey, Doc.

Hey, he smiled and hugged her tightly. You busy?

Nope, she gestured him in. Just paying some bills.

Lamont glanced at the stack of envelopes on the table as he walked to the coffee pot, arching a brow as he poured a cup. You doing ok on money?

Kyler shot him a slightly aggravated glare. Yes, Doc, and yes, if we’re not, you’ll be the first to know.

He offered a small smile and held up his hands. Ok.

She shook her head and gave a short laugh. Shit, sorry. That’s just still a sore spot, I guess.

Sure, he hooked an arm around her neck briefly as he walked to the window. You’re always gonna feel it, I suppose.

Kyler watched as he looked out the window; saw the genuine grin cross his face as his eyes found his grandson. She ate another grape and regarded him for a long moment.

You ok? You look tired.

Lamont glanced at her over his shoulder. Long days at the hospital are catching up to me. I’m not as young as I used to be. He stopped and made a face as she tossed a grape in the air and caught it neatly in her mouth.

Grapes and coffee? At ten a.m.? Damn, you’re not pregnant, are you?

She laughed and shook her head. Hell, no. I just like to relish in the fact that I can do stuff like this now…you know, mix grapes and coffee. Stomach’s almost back to a hundred percent.

Good, he gestured and she handed him the bag. At least you’re eating healthy.

Yeah, Kyler shrugged. Didn’t see the point of shoving junk down my throat all day long just ’cause I’m craving the smokes.

Lamont smiled. But you’re holding out, right?

Yeah, she sighed. Still smoke-free. Hell, it’s been two years; it’d probably kill me now. She paused and walked over beside him, watching as Josh and their son ran around the playground. So give, Doc, she leaned against him briefly. What’s on your mind?

I hate how I’m so easy to read, he slipped an arm around her waist.

I’ve been around you a while, Kyler replied wryly. What’s up?

He was silent for a few minutes, staring at his grandson three stories below. Finally he gave a small shake of his head and took a deep breath. I asked Betty to marry me.

Kyler arched an eyebrow and tossed another grape into her mouth. And she said yes. It wasn’t a question.

How do you know? Lamont asked softly.

Because, she gently took his nearly-empty coffee cup from his hand and walked into the kitchen, the last time a woman you loved broke your heart, you turned off your phones and disappeared for a few days.

Brief pain flashed in his eyes and he gave a slow nod. Yeah, you got a point.

So she said yes.

Lamont nodded. Yeah, she did.

Kyler filled his cup and walked back over to him. So what’s wrong?

Nothing, he nodded his thanks and took a sip. But you don’t seem surprised that I asked her.

I’m not. You love her, her eyes were steady on his. And she loves you. I told you a long time ago you guys have it.

Lamont nodded and shot her an unreadable look. Would it surprise you to know that I asked her three months ago?

Kyler’s eyebrows shot up. Yeah, she said slowly. It would. So…what? For three months you’ve been carrying this around and just now decided to tell me?

He smiled and gave her a gruff hug. I had to do some thinking and had to talk to Betty about some things.

She pulled away and regarded him. C’mon, Doc, you’re scaring me now. You’re not dying, are you?

She wasn’t even close to joking and he knew it. Kyler’d lost too much in her life and she held onto what she had in a sometimes panicked, strangling death grip.

I’m not dying, he responded easily. Sorry.

Kyler took another look out the window and then sat heavily down on the couch; her eyes steady on his. So talk to me.

Lamont was quiet for a few long minutes and then gestured vaguely around him. How much you paying for this place now, kid?

She stared at him and he wasn’t surprised to see a steel glint come into her dark eyes. Money was always a sensitive subject with her…mainly because she’d spent most of her childhood and teen years without any and getting by any way she could.

You know how much, Doc, Kyler replied quietly. You cosigned for me eight years ago.

He arched an eyebrow and sat down across from her. And in eight years you haven’t had an increase in rent?

Kyler looked at him through hard eyes, trying to see inside his head. Some, yeah, but not much. I told you, we’re ok.

Lamont nodded, watching her, and finally she shook her head and held her hands up in surrender. He was glad to see the smile on her face…somewhat exasperated, yes, but genuine just the same.

Ok, Doc, I give up. We’re paying six-twenty for rent; maybe fifty, sixty in any given month for electric. Water’s free. You want gas and groceries, too?

No, he stood up and walked back to the window. Kyler leaned forward and put her elbows on her knees, her brow furrowed as she watched him watch her son with his father.

Doc…

Lamont halfway turned to her and leaned his shoulder against the window. That boy needs a yard, kid, he said, somewhat gently. Someplace to run and climb and ride his bike without the risk of getting run over.

She stared at him for a long moment and then finally stood up with an aggravated sigh. He watched her walk back into the kitchen and stare absently at the coffee pot before giving in and pouring another cup.

It’s not like Josh and I haven’t talked about it, Doc. I mean, this place is getting small and being only one bedroom, it…it gets crowded sometimes, and… Kyler trailed off, shrugging. We’re working on it, but…this…Doc, she gestured around the apartment. It’s pretty much all I’ve known once I got clean, and you know how much it took for me to even get this far.

Lamont offered a small nod and walked over to the counter across from her. Betty and I talked and we decided to live in her house once we’re married. We’ve gone over this for the past three months and laid everything out on the table. She doesn’t want to sell her house and I’m fine with that.

Kyler waited with a patience that she was finally getting accustomed to after two years, but she felt the anguish and apprehension start to build up in her.

So sell yours.

His eyes met hers and he gave a slow shake of his head. No. You need it.

She gave a sarcastic, somewhat hurt laugh and turned away. Not a chance, Doc. No way can we afford the payments.

It’s paid for, he said quietly. It’s been paid for, for a few years now. All you’d be responsible for are the utilities, phone, internet, and cable, if you want it.

No.

Here, he pulled some folded papers from his pocket. Bills from last June. When Betty and Max were there seventy-five percent of the time, and you and Josh stayed over with Eli for those five weeks while they painted and re-carpeted your place here.

Kyler didn’t respond and walked away from him, back towards the window.

I had all you guys staying with me…five people more than usual and for most of the time these bills run. This’ll show the highest costs I’ve had since I’ve owned the place, Kyler.

What’s your point, Doc? She growled.

Two-ten for electric, seventy-five for water. Cable, internet, and phone were the usual seventy-seven dollars. Total, at max usage, kid, is three sixty-two.

Your point? Kyler glared at him and he saw the hurt shining more prominently now.

I’m gonna live with Betty, he murmured. I can’t walk away and leave it vacant.

Sell it, she repeated.

No.

Kyler took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She leaned against the glass of the window and closed her eyes, trying to focus on each individual second as one by one they flitted across her mind.

I didn’t come here to throw you into a panic, Lamont said softly, and she gave a sarcastic, bitter laugh.

Sure.

Kyler.

She didn’t respond as she watched her son veer off suddenly towards the parking lot. He was quick and you had to stay on him at all times. Josh was there, of course, and grabbed him before he took more than five steps, but Kyler felt her stomach leap into her throat just the same.

He needs a yard, Lamont wrapped his arms around her. He’s a growing boy, kid.

I can’t take your house, Doc, she said hoarsely. You know I can’t do that.

No, he shook his head. "I don’t know that. It’s your house, too. It’s been your house for eight years now."

Kyler sighed and pulled away, scrubbing her hands across her face. Lamont watched her walk back into the kitchen restlessly and knew she felt the impending claws of nicotine addiction again…despite the two years since she’d last had a smoke.

What’s Max say? She finally asked in a weary voice. About you marrying his mom?

Lamont gave a slow shake of his head. You’re the only one who knows.

She plopped down on the couch and put her head in her hands, staring at the floor. I can’t take your house, Doc, she repeated in a voice that was nearly inaudible and shot through with fear and indecision.

He watched Josh with Eli for a few more minutes and then glanced at her. I’m asking you to, and if you can’t get past your pride enough to do it for yourself, then do it for your son. You guys watch him, I know, but you just saw how quick he is. He could take off into that street in a heartbeat, Kyler.

She stared at the floor and gently rubbed her temples. The ocean’s right outside your backdoor, Doc, she countered quietly.

I’ll fence it in, he said just as quietly. The whole damn yard, if I have to.

Kyler let out a breath. Jesus Christ, she muttered.

Look, kid… Lamont trailed off, expecting more resistance from her, but she remained silent. I love you, you know that. And I love Josh, and I’ll kill for that kid if I have to. My house is your house, and I—

I don’t get this, Doc, she looked at him. "I mean, are you giving us your house? Or is this just kinda like renting it?"

It’s yours, he replied. I’m giving it to you.

Kyler shut her eyes and felt her stomach clench up. The grapes were now contrasting sharply with the coffee and she wondered if she would have to make a mad dash for the bathroom.

I’ve already talked to my lawyer, the doc continued like this was the sanest conversation in the world. It’s not a problem since the house is paid off. We put everything in both your names…taxes and title…no mortgage.

She took a shaky breath. You’re right. I was fucking nuts to eat grapes with coffee. Without another word, she got up and headed towards the bathroom where everything came up in a violent, stomach-tearing rush.

Kyler felt herself shaking, felt the sweat slicking her sides and back and ran her hands through her hair. She closed her eyes and was immediately thrown back into the hell of her drug- and alcohol-induced past of just a few short years ago.

Jesus Christ, I hate to fucking puke, she growled. She slid her eyes to the doc’s, standing in the doorway and looking concerned.

You ok?

Kyler pressed the heels of her hands hard against her eyes and leaned back against the tub. For a long moment there was complete silence between them. She sensed Lamont as he moved into the room. He gently put the top down on the toilet and sat down, waiting patiently.

I can’t do this, she said quietly.

Yes, you can.

Her eyes met his. What happens if you and Betty don’t make it?

Lamont slid down beside her and pulled her against him. If we don’t, we don’t. That doesn’t affect you one way or the other.

Kyler shot him a thoroughly aggravated look. How can it not affect us, Doc? Jesus, if you all don’t make it, then where the fuck are you gonna live?

Hey, Josh’s voice came quiet from the doorway, and they both looked up at him. He held Eli in his arms and the boy strained towards his mother. Josh let him down and Kyler folded him into her arms, kissing his nose.

Hey, Baby, she grinned. Did you have fun on the swings?

Papaw! He squealed and climbed over Kyler’s leg, falling into Lamont’s lap. The doc laughed and hugged him tight. Josh offered a slightly distracted smile but his eyes on Kyler’s were questioning and concerned.

C’mon, she struggled to her feet. Let’s go in the living room; it’s too close in here. Doc’s trying to explain something to me and I’m not getting it.

She slid by Josh and walked on numb legs into the kitchen. Josh’s eyes met the doc’s and he raised his eyebrows.

I’m not sure what she’s not getting, Lamont sighed as he carried Eli out into the hallway. The only barrier I see here is her pride.

It’s not just pride, Kyler said evenly, but both Lamont and Josh sensed the fear-fueled anger in her voice. She kept her tone light and smiled frequently at her son, but her eyes were hard on Lamont’s.

Start at the beginning, Josh filled a sippy cup with juice and handed it to Eli with a smile. Wanna go get your train, kiddo?

Train! the child’s voice was free and innocent in the midst of the tension in the room, and they watched as he ran into the bedroom.

I asked Betty to marry me, Lamont said softly. And she said yes.

Josh smiled and gave him a hard hug. Congrats, Doc. That’s really good news… he paused and glanced at Kyler. So why the anger and why’re you puking after two years of having an iron stomach?

Kyler shot Lamont a look. Lamont felt her gaze, heavy and jagged, as he turned to Josh.

Betty and I decided to live in her house. I want you and Kyler and Eli to live in mine.

Josh’s eyebrows shot up and he looked at Kyler. There was confusion on his face, but he waited for her to say something. When she didn’t, he turned back to the doc.

Ok…?

Not just live in it. I want to give it to you. It’s paid for; all you’d be responsible for are the monthly utilities.

Josh stared at Lamont and sank slowly down on the couch. He smiled faintly when Eli came back into the room carrying various pieces of his plastic train set that Lamont had gotten for him, but his face looked pained and sick.

Doc, he said quietly, but then stopped, unable to go on. Kyler slipped into the kitchen and absently opened the fridge; far from hungry and doing it just to be doing something. Lamont looked at both of them, and then at Eli, playing on the floor.

Can I say something here? He asked, and both Kyler and Josh looked at him. Kyler’s dark eyes were filled with fear and indecision above all else, and Lamont gestured to her son.

He needs a yard, he said softly. You know that. Something more than just a few swings and a slide. He glanced at Josh. I saw him when he took off and you were quick, catching him like that, but…

Kyler ran her hands through her hair and locked her fingers at the base of her neck. This is…Doc, look, I just, uh…

Lamont regarded her for a long moment. I love you guys and you know that. I’d do anything for any of you, he swept his gaze to Josh’s, but this pride of yours… he shook his head. It gets old. Just think about it, ok? He bent down and kissed Eli’s head and then walked out without another word.

Kyler gritted her teeth and took a haggard breath. It’s too fu— a quick glance at Eli and she swallowed back the curse word. It’s too early for this, her tone was still mild but Josh saw the deep pain and fear in her dark eyes. I can’t do this, Josh.

What… he swallowed and held out a hand. She went to him and he folded her body against his. What exactly did he say?

She sighed against his shoulder and he held her tight. Said he already talked to his lawyer. Since the house is paid for, our names would be on the taxes and title and we’d just pay the utilities.

Kyler pulled away and grimaced. Shoulda known he had something going on when he suddenly wanted to know what we’re paying here. She sat down next to Eli and ran his train under his legs, making him laugh.

He came prepared, she gestured to the bills on the counter. Brought the highest monthly bills he’s had since he bought the place. From last June when all of us stayed with him, including Max and Betty, remember?

Josh nodded as he shuffled through the papers. So this is the most he’s ever had? He looked at her and she read his thoughts in his eyes.

Yeah, that’s still less than what we’re paying but—

But nothing, Kyler. Look at this, he gestured and she felt the anger crawl up her stomach again. According to this, we’re wasting money living here.

Stop, she held up a hand. It’s not just about the money. Her voice was still mild for Eli’s sake and she fought hard to keep an easy smile on her face. Our names on the taxes and title, Josh…like we’re…like it’s just normal. Jesus. You know what that’s doing to me?

He arched an eyebrow and offered a slight bitter smile. I can imagine.

Doc is… she faltered, turning away. No.

Doc’s right, as usual, and you know it. It’s a lot, but—

Real rage shot from her eyes and Kyler felt her stomach clench. Stop. Just stop.

Josh held up his hands and gave a slow shake of his head. Ok, he muttered. He turned away and took a deep, steadying breath, feeling his own anger spike. We’ll stop a minute, he said mildly.

Eli tooted his train’s horn and ran it around an invisible track across the living room floor, oblivious to the hard words and shooting glares from his parents’ eyes.

Sure, Kyler agreed. She hooked an easy arm around her son’s neck and kissed his forehead. Choo choo, Baby. Just like Thomas.

Eli laughed and kissed her back. Papaw go bye bye?

Yes, Josh smiled, but we’ll see him tonight, ok? Kyler shot him an angry look but he ignored it.

Papaw! Eli squealed and gave his dad knucks. Josh laughed and pulled the boy into his arms, and over his son’s head he met Kyler’s eyes.

I love you, he said softly, and she felt herself weakening. She nodded wearily and stood up, rubbing an eye.

Tonight, then, I guess. I owe him an apology.

CHAPTER 2

Kyler kicked up her board and walked around to the back of the doc’s house. The familiar sight of the deck, the wind coming off the ocean and the waves hitting the packed sand yards from his steps all hit her with a nostalgia that was nearly overwhelming. She reflected on this as she paused and watched the waves for a minute.

Not like I wasn’t here yesterday, she thought. Like I’m not here every other day still anyway. Two years after being pregnant and my emotional state is still jacked to hell and back.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and at the back of her mind wondered what it would be like to know she could actually be the owner of a home like this.

Doesn’t matter, she muttered as she walked towards the steps. It’s always gonna be Doc’s house.

Kyler sighed, waited a minute, and then used her key to open the back door. The kitchen light was on and it was just Lamont’s car in the driveway. She felt it was safe to assume he was home, and just had to hope that Betty hadn’t ridden with him there. She needed to see the doc alone.

As she passed quietly through the kitchen she heard music coming from the basement, and started slowly down the steps. Another sharp pang of nostalgia as she thought about all the times she’d listened to his stereo, sprawled out on the couch or on the floor, with Josh or Max, but usually with Lamont.

Jesus, I gotta get over this, she murmured, and then peeked around the bend in the L-shaped stairs. The doc was there, sitting on the floor and sifting slowly through his vast collection of albums. He was alone and Kyler felt love and shame and fear and massive indecision grip her, holding her heart and stomach and soul in an unforgiving, sharp-toothed vise.

For a moment it was impossible to breathe.

Kyler closed her eyes and forced her lungs to expand. The wall against her palm was stable and familiar and she swallowed back guilt and shame.

Doc, her voice was quiet, and Lamont froze with his back still to her.

Kyler, he responded softly.

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, he shot her a glance over his shoulder and she read pain and weariness in his eyes. You can always talk to me; you know that.

She sat down next to him and drew her legs up to her chest. I’m sorry, she murmured.

Lamont put an easy arm across her shoulders and offered a brief hug. I threw it on you. I knew exactly how you’d respond, but I did it anyway.

I was just…surprised, I guess. And I panicked. And I went from grateful and humble to selfish and…and a bitch, and…shit, she sighed.

He nodded. I’ve been going over this for three months, kid, he remarked quietly, and there was really no argument. I love Betty and she’s given me a lot. I think we’ll make it, but… he paused and bit his lip. If we don’t, this is still your house. If you want it.

Kyler took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Got a preference? She gestured to the box of albums.

Nah, he shrugged. Can’t find the tune tonight. It’s here somewhere, I guess, but it’s hiding.

Throw on some Kenny, Kyler kicked off her Chucks and pulled herself up onto the couch. Maybe some Greatest Hits.

Lamont smiled and pulled Kenny Rogers from the mix. "I told Betty we should make Buried Treasure our song. Surprisingly, she almost went for it."

Almost? Kyler arched an eyebrow.

This close, he held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart. He dropped the needle on the record and then sat against the couch in front of her. As the music filtered out of the speakers, Kyler stared at the ceiling and said quietly,

You cosigned on my apartment eight years ago.

He grunted and picked absently at a fingernail.

Then you cosigned and lent me money for a car two years ago.

Don’t flatter yourself, kid, he grinned. That was all for that grandson of mine.

Kyler grinned back and slipped an arm around his neck. They were quiet for a few long moments, listening to the lonesome sound of the album, reminiscent of mile-long trains rolling slowly across desert sand; dim, smoke-filled saloons filled with hard men and hard liquor.

She slid off the couch and sat next to him, wishing for a cigarette but so glad she didn’t have one when Eli’s blue eyes—so much like his father’s—filled her mind.

"And now you want to give me your house," she finished softly.

Lamont stared across the dim basement for a couple of long seconds. I think you can afford it, he murmured and felt her shift beside him.

It’s not about the money, Kyler muttered. It’s never about the money for me.

I know.

That’s more Josh’s gig.

I know that, too. He glanced at her. I guess he has Eli?

Kyler chewed on a fingernail. They’re driving over later, if that’s ok. He promised Eli.

And you skated here?

I was hoping we could talk, you and I.

Lamont nodded. Is it about the responsibility?

No.

Me marrying Betty?

Kyler grimaced. That’s more Max’s gig. Does he still not know?

Betty asked him for a mother/son night tonight. If I’m dead in the morning, you know who to look at, right?

Max loves you, she smiled. It’s been two years; he’s over it.

Yeah, Lamont stared at the record spinning on the turntable. So? Let me see…it’s not the money; it’s not the responsibility; it’s not me marrying Betty…

Kyler rubbed an eye with the heel of one hand. It’s the fact that you’d do it at all, I guess. Or something this big. I don’t want to depend on you, but you know I do. I lost too much innocence and hope over the years, but you keep giving me more…keep giving me reasons to hold on and keep believing.

She stopped and swallowed heavily. Shit like this terrifies me, Doc, her voice was a soft mutter.

Lamont gazed at her. Yeah, he sighed. I know. He draped an arm across her shoulders. But you gave me the responsibility of raising your son if something happens to you and Josh. That…Kyler, that scares the shit out of me. I don’t know the first thing about raising kids.

She gave a mock groan. So now you tell me, huh? She leaned against him and laughed softly. You did ok with me, Doc.

Yeah, but you were nineteen. That’s a hell of a difference.

Kyler shrugged. Regardless, I’m not planning on dying yet, and I’m gonna try to make sure Josh stays safe, too.

Ok, Lamont kissed her temple and they sat that way for another few long minutes in silence. Kyler let the music roll over her and thought about her father and her son…and her son’s father, and how much she and Josh had hacked away at each other over the years.

It had been a long, brutal road on both their parts, and they’d retaliated against each other as a way of paying back all those who’d hurt them. It was a gruff, masochistic circle that didn’t make any sense and it had worn them both to the bone.

As if reading her thoughts, the doc asked quietly, You and Josh still ok?

Kyler shifted and leaned her head back against his arm. We’ve been better. Been worse, too, but definitely been better. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. We’re working on it, but… she closed her eyes. It’s slow going. He keeps talking about marriage.

Lamont sighed and murmured softly, I know.

The record ended and Kyler got up to turn it over. I can’t marry him, Doc. I’m not even a hundred percent sure I love him anymore. Her back was to him and her voice was nearly inaudible. But it doesn’t matter about me and Josh anyway. All that matters is Eli.

He wrapped his arms around her when she sat back down. Have you tried talking to him?

We’ve tried. It’s…better when we’re out with Eli. On a playground or something. Kyler paused and tried to let the music soothe her; wash away heartache and bitterness. We both love that boy, Doc, but we’re having a hell of a time with each other.

Lamont was silent for a long moment. Kyler relished the feel of his arm across her shoulders, the familiar carpet beneath her and the smooth leather of the couch against her back. The basement, as always, was dim and slightly cool, and she felt molded into the very air of the room.

You two’ve been through a lot, the doc finally muttered. And I know you know it takes time and some days it seems the shit won’t end.

Yeah, she responded.

Lamont looked at her and gave a slow shake of his head. "You also know that I love both of you, and… he faltered, trying to gather his words. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Just don’t…don’t try to hang on to something that…" he shook his head and clenched his jaw.

Kyler snaked an arm around his neck and hugged him briefly. At least we have Eli. This is…a little bit different than you and…and Emily, Doc.

He grunted and gave a short nod. Yeah. It is; you’re right. He met her eyes and gestured around him. But that doesn’t change this.

She sighed and scrubbed a hand across her face. Can I think about it?

Yes.

Have you guys set a date yet?

No. Maybe sometime in the spring.

Kyler was quiet, thinking, and as the record ended and silence filled the room, she gave him an uncertain look and stood up. I owe you a huge apology for this morning, Doc.

Nah, you don’t, he smiled.

Yeah, I do. I didn’t even congratulate you.

Lamont watched as she selected another album and soon the easy sound of Air Supply was coming out of the speakers.

Just buy me a present and we’ll call it even, he grinned.

Kyler grimaced and sat back down beside him. She drew her legs up to her chest and draped her forearms over her knees.

Thank you for this, she muttered softly, not looking at him.

He held her for a long time. I’m just glad I can do this for you.

She closed her eyes and leaned against him. "You’re right; Eli does need room to run. And Josh and I really have talked about it but…"

Yeah, I know, he murmured.

Kyler stared across the length of the dim room and felt the responsibility of its ownership weighing on her. She felt torn and crushed; wanting the stability and space the house offered but scared to fucking death.

Being a first-time vehicle owner at twenty-five was hard enough; the prospect of owning a house—outright, with not even a monthly house payment—was nearly suffocating.

Can I throw in a condition? Her voice was hoarse and trembling with jagged emotion.

Yes, Lamont responded quietly.

"It’s your house, Doc. It’s always gonna be your house, ok?"

He didn’t answer and she turned towards him.

Doc.

Ok, he sighed. That’s your condition?

No. I want you to come back here if it doesn’t work out with you and Betty. We’ll find another place, but—

All right, he held up his hands, but I’m beginning to think you don’t believe we’re gonna make it. That we’re destined to fail and—

Kyler sat back and hung her head, defeated. No, you know that’s not true, Doc.

Hey, he put a hand on her head and she brought her eyes to his. I’m kidding, ok?

She sighed and gave a half shrug. "I believe in you and Betty. You’ve got what it takes and I know that. But I just want you to promise me that if…if…something happens, you’ll come back here."

Lamont regarded her for a long moment, and then reluctantly nodded. All right, Kyler. I promise.

Kyler took a deep breath, relieved. Thank you.

His eyes bored into hers and she again fought with a sudden bout of emotional claustrophobia.

I know how you are, kid, and I know what you’re feeling right now.

She nodded and swallowed heavily.

"And you know I’m not gonna just dump this in your lap and walk away, right?"

Yeah.

And my having a change of address doesn’t change anything with you or me, all right? You need me anytime, anywhere, just call or come by Betty’s house.

Kyler gritted her teeth in indecision and didn’t answer.

Lamont tapped her arm but she was saved from responding by the sound of the front door slamming, and then little feet scampering across the floor. Through the register in the ceiling, they heard Josh talking quietly to his son.

Kyler offered an uncertain, mostly scared smile at Lamont and pulled him to his feet. C’mon, Doc, Eli’s looking for you.

He hung back and looked at her. Kyler?

She met his eyes and nodded, swallowing heavily. All right, she conceded softly. Anytime, anywhere, I’ll come looking for you.

CHAPTER 3

Lamont was out on his deck later on, watching the sun sink into the horizon, when the screen door behind him creaked open. He shot a glance over his shoulder, expecting either Kyler or Josh…maybe Betty, but instead his eyes met Max’s.

Hey, kid, he said quietly. Max sat beside him on the steps without answering and Lamont felt his turmoil through the tension in his body.

Your mom talk to you?

You know she did, Doc, Max said softly, staring out at the waves.

Lamont took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He stared down into his coffee cup and waited, and finally Max relented, defeated, and put his head in his hands. Exhaustion and emotional overload coated him…nearly a physical entity…and Lamont put a gentle hand on his arm.

Congrats, Max muttered.

Lamont was silent beside him, knowing he was fighting a losing inner battle. For the past two years—since he’d been seeing this kid’s mother—Max had fought hurt and anger and resentment; fought to remember his father who’d passed away more than ten years before, and also fought to forget him.

He’d shown Lamont love and respect, and then fought guilt over the memory of his dad. Lamont had waded with him quietly and steadily through this conflicting mix of sharp-toothed mental anguish, and had stood patiently beside him when the kid had raged with fury and broke down in defeat under the emotional pressure.

Now here he was, obviously beyond exhausted and again fighting the differing and often raging feelings swirling around his brain.

You, uh… Max’s voice was hoarse and he stopped to clear his throat. Mom said you were giving your house to Kyler and Josh?

I offered, yes, Lamont admitted.

Max voiced a short, bitter laugh and said, Lemme guess, Josh said yes and Kyler said no.

Lamont shifted and took the final drink of his coffee. He was quiet a moment and then stood up. It was a little more complicated. You want some coffee?

No thanks.

Ok. I’m gonna get another cup. Wanna come in?

Max hesitated, and then got slowly to his feet. He slid by Lamont and walked into the kitchen, wary and nearly thrumming with tension. Lamont watched him plop heavily down at the kitchen table and put his head on his arms.

Max?

For a long moment there was no reply, and then Max took a deep breath and looked at him. The loss and deep hurt were prominent in his hazel eyes.

I kinda expected this, he said quietly, but maybe not too much ’cause it still threw me.

I know, Lamont said gently.

Max stared at the tabletop for a minute and then took a shaky breath. Ok, he said in a low voice, and Lamont had a feeling he was talking mainly to himself. This, uh…I guess it would be different if I still lived at home. Or if…you know…it’d been two weeks instead of two years.

Lamont crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter. He gave a slow nod, his eyes on the young man’s in front of him.

We’ve tried to take it slow…you mother and I. I mean… he trailed off, thinking. I’m scared, Max, and I’ve been scared since I fell in love with her. But you know me, right?

Max chewed on a thumbnail and stared out the door. Yeah, Doc.

Again Lamont waited and finally Max pushed himself to his feet with the effort of lifting a thousand pounds of rock. He crossed the kitchen and hugged Lamont hard.

He felt the doc’s arms around him and closed his eyes. Just be good to her, Doc. She loves you.

I know, and I will, Lamont responded softly. He paused and then said hesitantly, Do I get your blessing or is it still too early?

Max laid his head on the older man’s shoulder, suddenly six years old again and needing paternal comfort. Lamont sensed this and held him easily.

You got my blessing, Doc, he whispered and pinched the corners of his eyes, fighting back the tears. He hugged him tighter for another minute, and then slowly pulled back, turning away. He was ashamed and heartbroken and elated and completely and utterly exhausted.

I gotta go. Nat’s waiting.

I’ll drive you, Lamont offered, but Max shook his head.

No, that’s ok. I feel like skating.

He started towards the living room but Lamont’s hand on his arm made him turn back.

I told Kyler and Josh, and now I’m telling you. This doesn’t change anything between us, ok? I’m still here for you, kid; day or night.

Max nodded silently and slipped out of the kitchen. Lamont heard the front door close quietly and he took a deep, tired breath.

Kyler placed a hand gently on her sleeping son’s belly, feeling its slight rise and fall. She did this frequently, almost obsessively, feeling overwhelmed and nearly crushed with love for the boy. He was, she knew, the only thing standing between her and a shit-ton of booze and endless mounds of dope.

Without Eli, she would be lost.

She stood by his crib for a few minutes more, and then silently crawled back into bed. Josh’s familiar form wrapped itself around her and she closed her eyes and let loose a soft breath.

He’s ok, he whispered. He’s ok, Kyler.

I know, her breath was an enticing tickle against his ear. But I can’t help it; I have to check.

His hand rested on her bare belly, flat again like it was before the pregnancy, and he felt heat in his gut. Slowly he circled her navel with a finger and she reached for him. When he entered her, he gave a low moan and felt his own fear and overwhelming love crashing down on him.

Betty looked up from her desk at the soft knock on her front door. She shot a glance at the clock and got up, walking down the hallway and stretching her back.

Hey, she smiled at Kyler when she opened the door.

Hey, Kyler gave her a strong hug. Busy?

Nah, Betty motioned her in. Just doing a little bit of work but I need a break. Eli ok?

Besides growing up too fast, yeah, Kyler grinned as she slipped in the door. I can’t lay with him on the couch anymore unless he’s at one end and I’m at the other.

Betty put an arm across her shoulders and walked with her towards the kitchen. Yeah, she said somewhat sadly, they grow up way too quick. You want coffee?

No, I’m ok, Kyler reached into her baggy jeans and pulled out a small box. I really just stopped by to give you this.

It’s not my birthday, Betty muttered slowly as she gently took the box from Kyler.

Who says it has to be your birthday? Kyler responded with a shrug. Just something to say congratulations on your engagement. And…to let you know how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me. She offered an uncertain smile.

Betty regarded her for a long moment. You’re losing weight again.

Kyler offered a humorless grin and gestured to the box. You gonna open that? Her eyes rested easily on Betty’s for minute, and then Betty sighed and sat down.

I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done for me, right? Plus, she gave a half shrug, you saved my son. That means more to me than anything.

Kyler sat down at the table and watched her. Betty’s eyes on hers were concerned and piercing. Want to tell me what’s going on?

With what?

You and Josh.

Kyler grunted and gave a slow shake of her head. Nothing new. Don’t worry about it.

Don’t worry about it, Betty repeated softly. That’s like asking me not to worry about Max and Natalie.

What about Max and Natalie? Kyler raised her eyebrows. I thought they were ok.

They are, Betty waved a hand. But if they weren’t, you know there’s no way I couldn’t worry, right?

Kyler gave a soft laugh. Are you going to open that or what?

Betty opened up the box without another word and her eyes widened.

Kyler…

Kyler didn’t respond as she chewed on a thumbnail.

How’d you know I like dragonflies? Betty pulled the earrings from the box and put them in her ears.

I’m still pretty perceptive most of the time, Kyler’s smile was tired.

Well, Betty gave her a long hug, thank you. I love them.

You’re welcome. And I’m really glad Doc asked you to marry him. She paused and shot her an unreadable look. Really glad you said yes.

Betty leaned back in the chair and stretched her back some more. I love your father, she said quietly.

Yeah, I know, Kyler stood up and walked over to the back door. She gazed across the empty pool and leaned against the jamb. I guess it’s still hard without Max here.

I miss him, yeah, but it was time. And I told him he can come home anytime he needs to. You gonna talk to me or what?

Or what, Kyler slipped an arm around her neck. I gotta go; I’m late for work.

Bullshit, Betty said mildly. Talk to me, ok?

Jesus, you sound like the doc, Kyler shook her head and gritted her teeth.

Betty shrugged. What can I say; we carry our psych roots deep.

Kyler sighed and rubbed her eyes. Like I said, nothing much going on. Not much to tell. We’re muddling through.

There was brief silence for a minute and then Kyler gave a half-hearted shrug. Just taking it one day at a time. We’re ok, Betty.

Betty didn’t respond but her hazel eyes shone with a flat, angry light. Kyler took a deep, steadying breath and let it out slowly.

We both enjoy pain too much, I guess, she mumbled quietly.

The older woman folded her into her arms and Kyler leaned against her gratefully. For a moment the only sounds were the ticking of the clock and humming of the fridge.

The pain is a crutch, Betty finally said. "You’re used to it; you thrive on it. You use it to retaliate against the people who hurt you but in the end it’s just you two, alone with the shame and the humiliation.

That’s the biggest price you pay, and you’re only going to end up ripping each other’s hearts out.

Kyler gave a short laugh and pulled away, eyes wet. Duly noted. I gotta go.

Kyler…

I’ll call you later, all right? She started out of the kitchen and Betty followed with a grim look on her face.

If not, I’ll call you.

Kyler grimaced and gave her a brief hug before slipping out the door. You and Doc… she said over her shoulder. Love that psych shit, huh?

Betty shrugged but didn’t answer. She watched as Kyler stepped on her board and skated hard down the street. The girl was definitely losing weight again and she carried the stress and tension across her shoulders like it was a physical thing.

I tried, Keith, but no go. She won’t talk.

Lamont gritted his teeth and shook his head. He leaned back in his chair and scrubbed a hand across his eyes. Stupid stubborn pride.

Maybe we should just let them work it out, Betty’s voice across the line was like a salve to his soul. You know they’ve both come a long way.

Yeah, he sighed. But I see the way they’re both still digging at each other. Josh looks like he’s getting kicked in the balls on a daily basis and I hate seeing her dropping the weight off again like she’s shedding skin.

Betty grunted. Nice analogies. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ve got an appointment in an hour near the park. I can swing by afterwards; try to talk to her again.

Would you? Lamont asked. "It would make me feel better."

Anything you for you, hon, he heard the smile in her voice.

I’ll make it worth your while, he responded teasingly and she laughed.

Yeah, I know you will. I’ll see you later, ok? Love you. The phone clicked in his ear and he slowly set it back on his desk. A soft knock on the office doorjamb made him look up and he met Mike’s eyes.

Bee-ball? Mike asked. I got an hour.

Sure, Lamont stood up and stripped off his lab coat.

You ok? Mike tossed him a basketball as they walked down the hallway. Lamont absently dribbled it a couple times.

I’m always ok, he smiled crookedly and Mike shook his head, diving in low and stealing the ball before Lamont knew what happened.

Better be quicker than that, Mike said. We’re not even on the court yet. He held open the door and they walked out into the sunshine. Gonna focus, Keith? I hate kicking your ass when you’re not wholly into the game.

He regarded his friend for a moment and then gently tossed him the ball. Lamont dribbled and then offered a loose shot at the basket. It went in smoothly and he shot Mike a look.

Seems like I’m pretty focused, huh?

No, Mike snagged the ball out of the air and tossed it back to him. You’re just that good. What’s up?

Lamont conceded and shot again, and again it went in with barely a sound. I asked Betty to marry me. We’re planning on sometime in the spring and I’d like you to be my best man.

Mike stared at him and dribbled slowly for a few long seconds. Lamont watched as he shot and the ball bounced off the backboard before dropping in. It was looking to both of them that there might be no game today; just shots and dribbles and conversation.

Congratulations, Mike said quietly. But you’re sure you want me to be your best man?

I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t mean it, Lamont said seriously, watching him.

Mike took a deep breath and gave a slow nod. Guess I gotta give a speech?

Only if you want to. We’re looking at doing a pretty small affair.

Mike shot absently, no longer caring if it hit the basket. His eyes were on Lamont’s and Lamont saw the uncertainty in them. It was the first time in years he’d seen that look in his friend’s gaze and it somehow put a jagged hook through his heart.

Hey, Mike?

Yeah? Mike caught the ball tossed to him but merely held it in his hands.

You ok?

Um… Mike swallowed.

That was a long time ago, all right? I don’t even care if you don’t say anything at all. I’m just asking you because you’re my best friend and—

And I almost cost you your job, Mike muttered. Sure, that was a long time ago but—

Never knew you to be one to jump on the pity pot, Lamont gestured for the ball. And I thought we were out here to talk about me, remember? He offered a sarcastic grin and was relieved when Mike returned it.

Shit, you’re right, Mike shook his head. Sure, Keith, I’d be honored to be your best man. Can I say something, though?

Yep, Lamont shot easily and Mike caught the rebound.

I’m not gonna have to pick you up off the ground this time, am I? I mean, when Emily did what she did…

Lamont grinned humorlessly. Betty’s not like that. If she breaks my heart it’ll kill me, yeah, but she won’t do it like Emily did.

Ok, Mike nodded. Good. I like her, Keith, and I’m glad for you guys. Seriously.

Thanks, Lamont simultaneously hooked an arm around his neck in a gruff hug and swiped the ball from under his hand. I really do love her, you know.

Yeah, Mike grabbed for the ball and missed, and then took Lamont’s shoulder to his sternum for his effort. He grunted, smiling. Now we’re talking basketball, huh?

Mike and Lamont rested on a bench alongside the building half an hour later. Mike stared across the empty court and took a long drink of lukewarm water from his bottle. Lamont stretched out his legs and felt the familiar, somewhat comforting, sting of calf and thigh muscles pulled beyond their daily limits.

Think you can do me a favor? He shot a glance at Mike. Mike took another long drink and nodded wordlessly. Can you try to get that daughter of mine to open up? I know she and Josh are still having problems but it’s starting to wear on me.

She’s looking drawn, Mike said softly. I noticed that the other day. Like she’s carrying that weight again.

I don’t want her to go back, Mike, Lamont heard the catch in his voice and cleared his throat. I can’t handle another round and I don’t think she’ll make it through if she falls again.

Mike took a deep breath and let it out slowly. And Josh?

Looking pretty rough, too. It’s like the glue holding them together is Eli and I know they’d both die for that boy…but there’s got to be something else. Something the two of them can fall back on without resorting to all the crazy shit again.

Mike rolled his head on his neck and felt it pop. I can take them both to a meeting tonight if you want to hang with your grandson for a while.

CHAPTER 4

From across the park Betty watched as Kyler lay under a small ramp, working on repairs. She shook her head and started across the grass. It was no secret how claustrophobic that girl was…or how stubborn…and how, no matter how many times Josh, Max, or Nat offered, Kyler would somehow grimly drive through and let her pride push her.

And end up shaking and nauseated from the fear that ultimately ruled her, no matter how much she tried to deny it.

Stupid stubborn pride, Lamont had said, and yes, here it was, full proof of that. Betty clenched her jaw and stared hard at Kyler’s tense and shaking body.

Under the ramp, Kyler blinked sweat from her eyes and bore down, mining inner strength from a rapidly-diminishing reservoir. The jagged claws of the claustrophobia were digging deep into her, making her stomach clench and her hands shake.

The ramp itself was solid with no threat of collapsing or falling in on her. Kyler had built it herself, putting heart, soul, sweat, and blood into its construction and she had more than enough faith in her own work.

But still, with the bottom of the ramp pressing solidly against her sternum, making taking full breaths next to impossible, Kyler was swallowed in the all-too-familiar dank, swampy feeling of being crushed, buried alive, and screaming for air.

Christ, I could use a drink, her mind moaned. A spike. Maybe just a fucking cigarette.

The pitted scars on the insides of her elbows, especially the right one, itched and screamed against the raw air and she voiced a ragged moan.

Kyler gave in and rolled out from under the ramp, lying in the hot sun with sweat pouring from every inch of skin and her breath tearing in and out of her lungs in huge, ripping gasps.

No drink, she thought. No spike; no smoke. Just my son’s arms around my neck.

Good God, what the fuck am I doing? She muttered softly, eyes closed against the sun and strain.

Good question, Betty responded softly, kneeling down beside her. "What are you doing?"

Kyler offered an absent smile. Repairing a ramp, Betty. You’re not here to push me, are you?

Push you on what?

This thing with Josh.

Betty sat beside her and draped her forearms over her knees. She regarded Kyler for a few long minutes and saw how much she was shaking.

Let one of the others do that, she finally murmured. Shit, Kyler, why do you have to do this to yourself?

Nobody else, Kyler finally opened her eyes and looked at her. Josh took Eli for his two-year checkup. Max and Nat are off.

So save it for tomorrow, Betty growled. And then next time have Max and Nat work on the days Eli goes to the doctor.

Kyler grimaced and sat up, wishing again for a cigarette. She scrubbed her hands hard across her eyes and stared across the park.

Doc sent you here, I guess?

Nice change of subject, Betty stared at her. Is that because you know I’m right?

No. It’s because I’m tired of you harping on me to have others do my work, Kyler cut her eyes to hers and Betty saw the tight anger in them. And I’m getting damn tired of you and Doc harping on mine and Josh’s problems. Neither of you can fix this.

Betty’s own eyes flared with anger but Kyler didn’t back down.

You can’t fix this so why not let it go?

And, what, you’ll just throw it all away, then? Or keep things as they are until it gets so fucking mundane and mind-numbing that you essentially give up?

It’s not your problem, Kyler said softly. She began to gather up the tools and stood up, brushing off her pants. We may not mesh as well as we used to, she regarded the older woman, still sitting and looking up at her, but there’s no abuse. No anger; no resentments. No shouting, no harsh words, no alcohol- or drug-fueled rages.

Betty stood up beside her and gave a slow shake of her head. "You’re right; there’s none of that. But there is something just as damaging. There’s you not giving a shit anymore and Josh maybe trying too hard and both of you too bitter to even see how that impacts your son."

Kyler looked away and swallowed. It doesn’t impact him…not negatively. We’re calm. We engage him and play with him and he’s our world, Betty. Now Kyler looked back at her and Betty saw lost sorrow in her dark eyes.

He’s our whole world and he knows that. Josh and I…we can make it as long as we have Eli.

So he’s your glue, Betty sighed. She fell into step beside her as she walked to the toolshed. He holds whatever is left between you two together?

Kyler didn’t answer as she began putting the tools away with a careful meticulousness that bordered on OCD.

Kyler, Betty tried again, you don’t think Eli’s not gonna see this? This…this mere acceptance you and Josh have for each other that will more than likely turn to sheer coldness as the years go by and your son gets older?

Kyler took a deep breath and pinched the corners of her eyes. What, she regarded her through utterly exhausted eyes, do you want us to do? Really, what can we do?

Betty leaned against the doorjamb and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes were hard as they stared into Kyler’s, but the anger was gone now.

You can let us help, she responded quietly. Me and your father…Kyler, you know we can help you.

Kyler muttered, Couples counseling or something similar, I’m assuming?

It’s a start, Betty said shortly.

Kyler sighed and stared out the door, her eyes faded and washed-out. For a long moment both women stood in silence, and then Kyler gave a slow shake of her head.

Look, Betty, she murmured slowly, we’ve been through the wars. We’ve both thrown our knives and taken our hits, and I’m just…tired, ok? I love Josh; I really do, but…

Is it Maggie? Betty asked softly, and Kyler shot her a sharp look.

Kyler clenched her jaw and looked away. Not…directly.

Indirectly?

Kyler blew out a frustrated breath and slid past her out into the sunshine. It’s her, yeah. It’s the guys I fucked and the dope we both did and all the rage and hurt and shame mixed in. Once upon a time we had the world by the tail. We were homeless, sure, and still digging through dumpsters, but…we were clean and sweet and innocent and I loved him with everything I had.

"And he loved you. He still loves you."

Kyler was silent as they walked across the grass. Betty put a comfortable arm across her shoulders but Kyler pulled away.

Do you still love him?

They entered the office and Kyler plopped heavily down in the chair behind the desk, not answering for a few long seconds. Betty pulled two bottles of water from the fridge and handed her one, waiting her out.

Finally Kyler took a deep breath and wished suddenly and bitterly for her water to be a bottle of Jack Daniels. Shit, she sighed, shaking her head. Yeah, I do.

Betty took a drink and regarded her. Don’t give up on you guys, ok? I mean, come on, Kyler. If you’re not gonna give up on that out there… she pointed out the door towards the ramp. If you’re gonna keep fighting that claustrophobia and keep trying to not let it beat you and not give in, then please, God, don’t give up on you and Josh.

Kyler’s eyes were ringed with exhaustion and filled with defeat. She looked at Betty for a moment and then gave a heavy sigh.

All right, she murmured. I won’t give up yet.

Betty nodded but her eyes were still hard. One other thing?

What? Kyler scrubbed a hard hand across her face and felt pummeled. What now?

This, Betty said quietly and before Kyler could react, Betty’s fingers were pressing down on the raised and pitted scars on the inside of her elbow. Kyler jerked and gave a low growl.

Shit, she hissed and felt the trembling in