Goodbye to Yesterday: The Search for Tomorrow

By Patricia M. Smith

Karyn, 35, after 15 years with Kevin, is fanatical to marry and have a child before its too late. She is devastated when Kevin abandons her at Christmas time planning to marry a pregnant 18 year old whose father will set him up in business, She feels her life has been a sham. Their house is sold so she must now look for a new home and a new man but before doing so, in a blind rage, she plots a vicious revenge. The story takes place from Christmas to Christmas when Karyns problem is solved.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Jul 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781499087697

Patricia M. Smith

Born in London 69 years ago, a widow with two grown-up sons, one of whom lives in America and the other in Devon, she divides her time between the UK and her house in USA where she can write peacefully by Lake Whitmore. After working as a language teacher and living in France, she studied creative writing under Sandie Traveller and at Winchester University, writing short stories at first, one of which was broadcast on the radio, then graduating to novels, of which, to date, she has written four. Patricia also enjoys painting and has travelled widely visiting all five continents.

Book preview

Prologue

It came again, only this time it was different. Worse, much worse.

There was the clear water of the pool and Kevin’s face rising to the surface with the usual deprecating sneer. His mouth didn’t move but I could hear his words:

‘Ha, is that your best—ha, ha’

His hands came out of the water and reached towards me. I backed, unable to take my eyes off them but they came nearer and nearer. His arms were stretching out longer and longer. My back hit a wall but the hands still came nearer. I blacked out, but not for long.

There was more water. The grey, green, oily water of the River Thames. Another face rose slowly from the depths. A pale face, a little bloated as though it had been too long submerged. Strands of dark hair streaked across that face like the Gorgon’s snakes and the eyes gleamed malevolently at me. Again the lips didn’t move but I heard the words:

‘You’ll never get rid of me now. I’ll be with you forever… forever…’

Long bony fingers reached out from the water towards me and again I backed away unable to look away or to run. The arms got longer and longer as the bony fingers clawed towards me—closer and closer. I tried to scream but nothing came. I hit the wall again and jolted awake.

I was breathing fast and my head was wet with sweat. My pillow was sodden but as I looked around my familiar room I sighed with relief.

They were gone, weren’t they? Gone forever.? Gone, maybe, but obviously not forgotten.

*     *     *

Chapter One

D E C E M B E R

What did he really want? I wondered as I stared at myself in the full length mirror.

‘Aren’t you ready yet Karyn?’ I heard Kevin call up the stairs, a note of irritation in his voice.

‘Just a tick sweetheart,’ I replied and heard him mimic, ‘Just a tick. Just a tick,’ as he jangled some keys.

I applied a second coat of coral-coloured lipstick, clicked the golden case closed and slipped it into my Gucci evening bag. As I smoothed down my black silk Versace gown, my reflection gazed back at me—tall and slim but with quite a shapely figure, my hair looked good too—soft, shining and blonde. Nigel had cut it into a neat bob this time. It swung about whenever I shook my head.

Hm-m, I thought, not bad—not bad at all for 35. Still, I have worked hard enough at it. What more did Kevin want? I was thinking of all the hours I’d spent with Adrian, my personal trainer, at the costly gym and my weekly visits to the beauty parlour.

I picked up my gold coloured pashmina stole and descended the stairs as elegantly as I could, hoping to make an impression on Kevin but he was standing with his back to me by our French windows. I watched him as he seemed to be gazing out at our landscaped garden with the subtle lighting that he had insisted should illuminate strategically placed groups of plants. Then he nodded to himself and drew the heavy velvet drapes across. Without noticing me on the stairs, he went over to our kitchen and stood in the doorway with his hands on his hips.

‘What on earth are you doing there?’ I called and was surprised by his startled, almost guilty reaction, which he tried to cover up by saying:

‘Just checking everything’s switched off.’

‘Well of course it is.’ I said. ‘It hasn’t been switched on. We’re dining out aren’t we?’

‘Yes, and we’d better get a move on.’

He swept past me without a glance, opened the front door and went down the steps to the car, our black BMW. I watched as he opened the passenger door, not waiting for me to get in but going round immediately to the driver’s side and seating himself. I sighed as I slid into the seat, as elegantly as my gown would let me, and closed my own door.

‘What time are we supposed to arrive?’ I asked

‘They said seven thirty for eight. I guess they have to get their brats out of the way first.’

‘They’re not brats—they’re gorgeous kids!’

‘All kids are brats.’

I thought for a moment, then, unsure that I wanted him to hear, I whispered: ‘Ours wouldn’t be.’

‘Oh don’t start that again Karyn. Not tonight please. Haven’t we discussed it enough? Let’s have a peaceful evening for once.’

I didn’t reply but gazed out of the window as Kevin made the engine purr into life.

As we drew up in front of the red brick house with its manicured hedge, Kevin sniffed: ‘Their gardener makes a better job of their lawn than ours does.’

Jeff Armstrong, Kevin’s solicitor who’d become one of our closest friends, opened his front door in welcome.

‘Hi there’ he called as we came up the path. ‘Evie’s just getting Sophie off—little monkey must have known we had guests tonight, she just wouldn’t go to sleep.’

I smiled in sympathy but saw Kevin raise his eyes skyward.

‘Go through to the lounge,’ Jeff continued. ‘Give me your stole there Karyn. My—isn’t it soft! That’s it. Now, what will you have to drink?"

We each chose our favourite tipple and went towards a velvet sofa, set close to a coffee table on which was a selection of nibbles. There was a resounding squeak as Kevin sat down. He withdrew from beneath his cushion a pink rabbit, all fat and furry, which he held aloft with his finger and thumb as if it might be contaminated. I couldn’t help choking back a laugh as Jeff said:

‘So there he is. Sophie was yelling for her Bunnikins. Sorry Kev’.’

Evie appeared just then. She pushed back a loose strand of hair and apologized for her late appearance.

‘Sophie finally went off then,’ said Jeff.

‘Yes. Two stories and four nursery rhymes.’

Kevin choked on his twiglet.

Jeff turned towards Kevin ‘So did you get the details of that Surrey property through OK?’

‘Oh, what property was that then?’ I asked.

‘Just a rather nice detached house with plenty of land out Ashford way that Jeff’s helping me with. I ‘m still negotiating for-er-a client’ Kevin replied, a little too quickly I thought.

‘And how’s your boutique doing Karyn?’ I felt that Evie was trying to be tactful by changing the subject.

‘Fine, just fine. Marie-Paule sent us a great consignment from the Paris shows. She’s such a good buyer—seems to know exactly what our customers like. I don’t know what I’d do without her. You know, Evie, you ought to try to come in and choose something for yourself.’

Evie smiled but Jeff chimed in,

‘Yes, Evie love, you should go and choose yourself something nice. Christmas isn’t far away’

Evie turned to me,

‘Do you do a nice line in dresses with baby-proof shoulder patches?’

‘Come in next week and we’ll see what we can do,’ I laughed back.

‘Well, let’s go through to the dining room and eat shall we?’ Jeff rubbed his hands together. ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.’

I was delighted to see that, despite having a two-year old and a small baby, Evie had found the time to set out the table in style with candles, flowers and fancily dressed serviettes. The starter dishes were in position at each place—a colourful mixed hors d’oeuvre—and nearby stood a pile of fresh rolls in a cloth-covered basket. I made a mental note to draw Kevin’s attention to the fact that having children in the house does not necessarily stop a woman from being an excellent hostess. That was always one of his arguments against our starting a family—one of his many arguments on that point.

‘Canard aux Cerises,’ announced Evie looking proud as she carried in the main course.

‘Oh good’ I said with enthusiasm. ‘Duck’s my favourite but I’ve never had it with cherries. How about you Kev’?’

‘Well, it makes a change from oranges.’

‘Anyway,’ continued Evie, ‘I hope you’ll all like it and here are the vegetables.’

We all ate heartily but still managed the crème brulée which followed. After the cheese-board had been passed around with its apple slices and walnuts, the men drifted off to one corner of the lounge to await coffee and liqueurs whilst I helped Evie remove the dishes to the kitchen. I glanced round her modern kitchen fitments and, as I helped her fill the dishwasher, said:

‘I love your kitchen Evie, but tell me, how are you coping with the new baby? How old is he now?’

‘Just three months, but he’s not too bad. It’s easier with the second one, you know.’

‘No, I’m afraid I don’t know and I’m beginning to wonder more and more if I ever will know.’

Evie poured the left-over wine into two glasses and handed one to me.

‘No sign of Kevin wanting kids then?’

‘No. I keep dropping hints. I’m not getting any younger, you know. That old biological clock is ticking away and I don’t want to leave it until it’s too late.’

‘Couldn’t you just—er—well, couldn’t you kind of—by accident—forget to take the pill?’

‘Funny you should say that. I stopped taking it last month but—I don’t know how he knew—or whether he guessed—but Kevin started using condoms again.’

‘What!’

‘Yes. I didn’t say anything and he didn’t say anything—and so it goes on.’

I drained my glass and added: ‘and there’s another thing. You won’t repeat any of this will you?’

‘Cross my heart and hope to die,’ whispered Evie, she sounded intrigued.

‘Well, Kev’ can’t always manage it,’ I couldn’t help a giggle. ‘I’ve seen him pop a pill from a bottle with no label on it.’

‘Really!’

‘Yes. What would you guess? I’d say Viagra.’

‘No!’

‘Yes. Well he’s 44 you know and I think he just can’t come to terms with it.’

‘Poor chap!’

‘There’s more—but you really mustn’t tell anyone,’ I chuckled. ‘He’s taken to tinting his hair and he wears a body belt.’

I really couldn’t help laughing at that point and was sure that Evie must be wondering if Jeff had been a little too generous with the table wine for me to be revealing so many of Kev’s ‘secrets’ but I felt light-headed and just didn’t care.

‘Sounds like a real mid-life crisis to me,’ she said as she closed the dishwasher and switched it on. ‘I’ve often wondered why you two didn’t marry years ago. How long have you been together now? It must be ages.’

‘Fifteen years, would you believe and I was really ready to marry and have kids after the first five.’

‘So why didn’t you?’ Evie set out the coffee tray.

‘Kev’ was working hard with his partners to set up their real estate business and then I took on the boutique with Yvonne and somehow the years just slipped by. I don’t want to lose my chance of having a family forever though. I couldn’t bear not to have at least one baby of my very own.’

‘Cheer up Karyn. Let’s rejoin the boys’ said Evie picking up the coffee pot. ‘It’ll happen one day soon. I’m sure of it.’

‘I’m not so sure,’ I sighed. ‘Sometimes I wonder just what Kevin does want.’

Chapter Two

I was usually the first to arrive at our fashion-conscious boutique, which we’d called ‘Jolie Madame’ just off Kensington High Street. My partner, Yvonne, who’d remained a friend since our school days, had a nine-year old son to get off to school in the mornings and so arrived later on. Our arrangements were flexible and that suited us both. Then there was Charlotte, a seventeen year old, who was studying fashion at college. She helped out at weekends and holiday times, proving to be a real godsend whenever we were busy—as I knew we would be because I was planning to have a pre-Christmas sale.

I liked these early mornings alone in the shop when it was quiet and I could think and make plans. This morning I was scribbling ideas for a poster to go outside the shop announcing the tremendous bargains that would be available in time for Christmas parties. Perhaps there would be time for me to place an ad’ in the local paper if I was quick.

Yvonne arrived in her usual fluster:

‘God, Karyn, the traffic’s getting worse and worse.’ She threw down her handbag and took off her long winter coat:

‘I seriously wonder whether it wouldn’t be better for me to come by underground until after Christmas.’

I looked up at her:

‘You know how you hate the underground, Yvonne—all those people crushed together and the smell of their wet coats. I’ve got the coffee on. Set yourself down and have a cup. I don’t suppose we’ll have many customers before ten thirty. What do you think of this for a poster for our Sale?’

Yvonne took the coffee cup that I offered her and looked at my handiwork.

‘Looks great, Karyn. Should bring plenty of customers in. I’m really sorry I won’t be here to help though. You know I have to take Freddie skiing this Christmas. I’ve promised him. All his schoolmates have been several times. You don’t realize just how much pressure those schoolmates can put on you.’

‘I’m sure,’ I said, ‘but don’t worry. You did let us know in good time. Charlotte and I will cope, I promise.’

I cleared away our coffee cups into the curtained-off cubicle and added:

‘As soon as I get a minute or two I’m going upstairs to sort out a big bundle of items for the Sale. It will give us a good clear out of old stock ready for the Spring range, won’t it? Have you had a chance yet to look through what Marie-Paule sent us from the Paris shows? There are some beautiful items. Wait till you see.’

When I reappeared Yvonne said: ‘Yes, she’s pretty good is our Marie-Paule. She never lets us down’

‘It’s the 23rd you’re off aren’t you? ‘I asked, ‘Charlotte will have broken up by then so she’ll come in the afternoon and all through the Christmas break. ‘No problemo’, as they say. But don’t you go and break a leg on those ski slopes will you?’

Yvonne put her arm around my shoulder,

‘I’m glad I’ve got a partner like you, Karyn. Nothing phases you does it? You always manage to cope.’

‘Oh, I’m not so sure about that. Hello, here comes the first customer of the day—over to you Yvonne.’

She had a way with customers so I usually left her to it and only stepped in when things got hectic. My ‘forte’ lay in organising, sketching designs and so on. The rest of the day passed without a hitch. Yvonne left at three thirty to pick up Freddie from school and I locked up the shop at half past five, slipped over the road to my convenient parking spot and drove home through the rush hour traffic.

I always reached home well before Kevin, whose arrival times could be very erratic. I showered, changed and prepared our evening meal ready to put in the microwave whenever Kevin did put in an appearance. However when he had not arrived by nine o’clock, I was beginning to feel hungry so I heated up my own meal and ate it alone wondering what on earth could have kept him this late. It wasn’t that unusual but I was curious.

At ten o’clock he arrived, leaving the car out the front with the engine running.

‘Not going to put the car away Kev’?’ I said, as I placed his plate in the microwave.

‘No’ was all he said as he went upstairs. He returned almost immediately with two large heavy-looking suitcases. I realized that he must have prepared them earlier without my knowledge.

He put them down just inside the front door and faced me as I stood in the kitchen doorway.

‘It’s all over,’ was all he said.

I just smiled with curiosity: ‘I’m sorry. What did you say Kev’?’

‘It’s over,’ he repeated. ‘I’m leaving right now.’

‘Leaving for where?’ I was still smiling.

He seemed impatient and looked embarrassed: ‘Get this into your head, Karyn. I’m leaving you. Our life together is all over. Our relationship is stale. I’m moving on.’

He opened the front door and I could hear again the car’s engine running.

‘I don’t understand Kevin. What’s happened?’

‘Like I said, it’s over—you and me. Get it. Over. I’m going—and by the way I’ve sold this place. The new owners want to move in on January second. They’ve booked the removal company.’

‘What?’ I couldn’t get my thoughts together and began to shake my head to clear them. ‘You can’t mean it Kev.’ Something’s happened. Tell me. Surely we can work it out. We’ve got through most things over the years haven’t we?’

‘Not this time. It’s over—believe me—over. Why can’t you get it?’

A kind of confusion seemed to be overwhelming me and