1,001 Jokes About Rabbis: (And the Rest of the World)

By Dr. David Rabeeya Ph.D

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 28, 2004
• ISBN: 9781477179161

Dr. David Rabeeya Ph.D

While Dr. David Rabeeya has dedicated his life to preserving the history and culture of Jews born in Arab lands, he has also written books for children and teenagers as well as detective stories, poetry, music and even comedy. This, his 50th publication, is from a Jew born in Baghdad Iraq who lived in Israel and now resides in America. His work reveals the soul of men and the universality of mankind.

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Copyright © 2004 by Dr. David Rabeeya.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Contents

Acknowledgment

BOOK I

One Thousand and One Jokes about

Rabbis and the Rest of the World

PART I If you have decided to become a rabbi,choose insanity instead!

PART II Psychoanalysis Of Lost Congregants

PART III Rabbis, Priests and Reverends

PART IV A Rabbi Laughing At Himself

BOOK II

Israel Among the Arabs:

The Levantine Solution

PART I The Five Scenarios

PART II Israel-Palestine

PART III The Counter Arguments

PART IV The Levantine Option

Conclusion

Dedicated to all of those rabbis who need a laugh

(and you all know exactly who you are).

Rabbi David Rabeeya

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I wish to thank Mrs. Joanne Jacoby from Bryn Mar for the typing and editorial work. Her dedication and comments are deeply appreciated.

BOOK I

One Thousand and One Jokes about

Rabbis and the Rest of the World

PART I

If you have decided to become a rabbi,

choose insanity instead!

* Let us hear the truth and all the truth about most rabbis articulated by their congregants. These are the understatements of the days. It could be worse. Halleluiah!

* A rabbi took a vow not to smoke anymore. He discovered very quickly that his sexual appetite went down to zero.

* A rabbi said, "This is the most unthankful job in the universe. It’s like sex. You may become addicted to it but sex never killed anyone.

* A rabbi was found in a compromising position with a female member of the congregation with his yarmulke on his head. His explanation was that he had faith in his work.

* A rabbi wanted to please his wife so he gave her money to modernize their kitchen. His wife was a very conservative woman. She insisted that she never cook anything and promised to continue buying cold cuts for their meals.

* A female rabbi who was also a divorcee was harassed by one congregant who found her to be both sexy and attractive. Finally she lost her patience and remarried him.

* A female rabbi was fixing her bra and pants during her sermon. Many men suddenly felt the urge to go the men’s room

* If a progressive female rabbi married another progressive female rabbi. The two of them can officiate at their wedding with one exception: The male rabbi of the synagogue must be their best woman.

* If a male rabbi marries a female rabbi, they can make an agreement to skip their usual long sermon and go directly to bed.

* Most rabbis that I know claim to make long distance calls to the Almighty. The rabbis of small synagogues are able to make only local calls. The difference: fifty cents.

* What is the difference between a rabbi and a lawyer? The first is looking for congregants so he/she can have a job. The second is watching the rabbi as a member of the congregation.

* A rabbi taught his parrot to say, Damn the members of my board. The parrot was a psychotic bird. Instead he said, Curse the rabbi, who curses the people of the board, who will also pursue me with their curses. The parrot killed the rabbi.

* A rabbi decided to send a message to God through the Internet. He typed: God Almighty.com. He received an answer: Rabbi, you must be kidding if you expect me to answer!

* A rabbi was officiating a marriage of two divorcees. He said to the husband and wife, Since each of you were divorced twice, you now need a bed for six people. He did not elaborate.

* A rabbi sent a questionnaire to his congregants to learn their views on the work of rabbis behind closed doors. He received hundreds of answers—many were misconceptions. One congregant however, answered this way, "Our rabbi kisses the hands of rich ladies, smiles a lot at those