Don't Let Anyone Know: A Story About Mental Illness - the World Viewed Only the Silhouette!

By Helen Cochran Coffey

Heather was a brilliant, beautiful, loving, and caring young mother and medical-pharmaceutical sales professional. She adored and was adored by her two daughters, Aubrey and Alyssa. On the outside she had it all. On the inside loomed a debilitating darkness! She was a victim of undiagnosed and untreated borderline personality disorder (BPD), and her life was controlled by the illness. Her story conveys the chaos that besieges the mental health care system today and the devastation and heartbreak the victims of mental illness and their families suffer.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 7, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469195643

Helen Cochran Coffey

Helen Cochran Coffey recently moved to Portland, Oregon, with her husband and shares a home with her daughter, Elaina, and grandson, Landon. She grew up in Ada, Oklahoma, where she met and married Mitchael Dewayne Coffey. They raised three children, Heather, Elaina, and Doug, and now enjoy being grandparents to Landon, Aubrey, and Alyssa. She graduated from East Central State College in Ada, Oklahoma, completed a Masters in nutrition at Purdue University, and is a retired middle school teacher. After her daughter, Heather, was diagnosed with a mental illness, she became an advocate for individuals suffering with mental illness.

Book preview

Don’t Let

Anyone Know

A Story About Mental Illness—

The World Viewed Only the Silhouette!

Helen Cochran Coffey

Copyright © 2012 by Helen Cochran Coffey.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012906143

ISBN:               Hardcover                 978-1-4691-9563-6

ISBN:               Softcover                  978-1-4691-9562-9

ISBN:               Ebook                      978-1-4691-9564-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

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1-888-795-4274

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110754

Contents

Author’s Note

Part I :Heather’s Story

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

Part II :The Impact of Mental Illness

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

Part III:Borderline Personality Disorder

TWELVE

THIRTEEN

Part IV :Systems Down

FOURTEEN

FIFTEEN

SIXTEEN

SEVENTEEN

EIGHTEEN

NINETEEN

TWENTY

TWENTY-ONE

Part V :Imagine Change

TWENTY-TWO

TWENTY-THREE

TWENTY-FOUR

TWENTY-FIVE

Part VI :Losses

TWENTY-SIX

TWENTY-SEVEN

Part VII :Bluebonnets and Butterflies

TWENTY-EIGHT

TWENTY-NINE

Acknowledgements

Resources

References

About the Author

With love to

Heather

Who had the spirit of an eagle to soar to great heights,

if only a debilitating disorder and an unknowing,

unrelenting society had not clipped her wings

Dewayne

Who has unending love for all his family

Elaina

Who wanted her sister as her best friend

Doug

Who understood his sister’s plight and

wanted her to know that he loved her

Landon

Who adored his aunt Heather and

enjoyed horseplay with her

Aubrey and Alyssa

Heather’s legacies

who possess the unforgettable and loving parts of Heather

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Author’s Note

Don’t Let Anyone Know is a story about my daughter Heather who suffered from mental illness. I have presented Heather’s story from a mother’s perspective to offer help, hope, and healing to others who are experiencing similar circumstances.

A Silhouette

A silhouette is a view of an object or scene consisting of an outline and a featureless interior, with the silhouetted objects usually being black. The term was initially applied in the eighteenth century to portraits or other pictorial representations cut from thin black paper. The term has been extended to describe the sight or image of a person, object, or scene that is backlit and appears dark against a lighter background.

Mental illness masquerades as a silhouette. Society is only allowed a superficial view of individuals with mental illness. The silhouetted black object represents the darkness of the person’s mind eclipsed by depression and other aspects of mental illness. The featureless interior is caused by stigma that renders the individual with mental illness void of recognition and social acceptance.

If the illness is untreated, the light background may also turn dark, representing the devastation of the person’s entire life. If the illness is managed, the silhouette may step out of its blackness into a functional life.

Sometimes individuals choose to be videotaped in silhouette to mask their facial features for anonymity. Likewise, many people with mental illness try to protect themselves from stigma and plead,

Don’t let anyone know!

Part I

Heather’s Story

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Heather,

flowering vine on an English hillside,

child of my dreams.

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ONE

The First Beginning

December was cold in Lafayette, Indiana. The sun had vanished from the sky a few weeks before Heather was born. A beautiful baby with a mass of dark hair arrived on December 9, 1970. I had selected the name Heather years before as I daydreamed about having a family of my own.

Her father, a chemistry student, guessed her weight at seven pounds even. Dewayne was so analytical that it was not a surprise that his estimate was only one ounce below her actual weight. Five years earlier, Dewayne dove into the PhD program at Purdue University and was now nearing its completion. I’d completed the master’s program in nutrition at Purdue and taught school for one year before Heather’s birth.

A few months earlier, we discussed the possibility of adopting a baby with an agency in Indiana. Dewayne and I had been married four years and were informed by my doctor that it was highly unlikely that we could have a baby. The agency determined that we were poor candidates for adoption since Dewayne was still attending graduate school and I would have to quit my job.

During the interview, I was feeling a little queasy—the flu or something. I went to the doctor the next day and found out that I was pregnant. I thought it would be fun to surprise Dewayne with the news when we went on a shopping trip that afternoon. Sewing was one of my hobbies, so I asked him to look at dress patterns with me for a few minutes. When I flipped to the maternity section, he became upset and insisted on leaving the shop. He thought I was joking, and I was unable to convince him otherwise.

We had one more stop to make. As we were walking into Sears, we met the nurse who worked for the doctor that I had seen earlier. She said, Congratulations! Then he believed me. We went into the store and bought a cute outfit for our baby, Heather.

My pregnancy was normal and healthy, aside from the morning sickness that lasted over five months. As the due date approached, my doctor decided to induce labor because he planned to be out of town during the most likely time for the baby to arrive. Dewayne remained with me most of the time during labor, comforting and annoying me. Four hours later, Heather arrived! In the delivery room, Dewayne and I welcomed her into the world with happiness.

The next morning, the pediatrician told us that Heather had newborn jaundice. We were told that this is not unusual and that after several hours under a UV light, she would recover. On the fourth day, we took our wonderful newborn daughter home.

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Lena Cochran, Arden Coffey, Leola Coffey holding Heather

Married Student Housing apartment at Purdue University

Dewayne’s parents, Arden and Leola Coffey, and my mother, Lena Cochran, drove from Ada, Oklahoma, to be there when it was time to bring Heather home. Dewayne’s dad was especially excited about the first grandbaby born into his family. I always teased him that I knew that the expectant mother needed to have a bag packed to go to the hospital, but I had realized that the grandparents also needed to have their bags packed!

The roads can become treacherous in the winter in Indiana. My mother began to worry about getting back home to Oklahoma even before she arrived. My father stayed home to tend the farm and the animals, and she felt responsible to return home as soon as possible to help him. Fortunately, the weather was cooperative. They stayed a couple of days and enjoyed meeting their granddaughter.

Heather already had a friend, Neko, our two-year-old Siamese cat. They were good company for each other. Neko was the first of many pets that she built special bonds with while growing up.

We were members of Calvary Baptist Church in Lafayette, Indiana. The church had a baby dedication for Heather when she was two weeks old, a tradition for all babies born to church members. Dewayne came before the congregation to accept a red rose to commemorate Heather’s birth. When the pastor told the congregation about visiting Dewayne in the hospital, he said that he had never seen anyone as elated and proud of his new daughter as Dewayne was.

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Dewayne and Heather

Baby Dedication Day

Having this beautiful child in our home was like a dream. We didn’t get a lot of sleep, but we expected that. We had a cozy Christmas, just the three of us, at home in Indiana. Although we missed visiting our families in Oklahoma, we now had an infant to watch over.

After Heather’s birth, I devoted all my time to taking care of her, Dewayne, and our home while Dewayne devoted his time to completing his degree. During his last year of the PhD program, he worked hard to complete his dissertation.

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When Heather was four or five weeks old, something changed. She began to cry and seemed uncomfortable much of the time. We tried everything we could to make her comfortable, to no avail. The pediatrician called it colic and gave her a mild sedative. Much to our surprise, the medication did not help. Dewayne would lay her over his knees and gently shake her. The change in activity would cause her to quiet for a moment, but then she would start crying again. We could distract her momentarily but could not take the pain away. She continued to sleep no more than two hours at a time, day and night. Dewayne and I soon were exhausted as well as frustrated.

Heather had extreme reactions to everything that happened to her and in her surroundings. As recommended by leading pediatricians, I started off making normal household noises while she slept, like running the vacuum cleaner. At first she didn’t react to the noises, but later, I could not make any noise without disturbing her. For example, I remember finally getting her down for a nap with the hope of doing some work. Half an hour later, I tore off a piece of waxed paper, and she woke up crying.

Her growth rate soared to the top of the chart with her height and weight in the ninety-ninth percentile or above. She responded to others with smiles and normal reactions. Her physical development registered on target, but the crying and discomfort levels were inexplicable.

We took her to the pediatrician for the first recommended inoculations when she was six weeks old. She staged a baby show of being social and lovable for the doctor and nurses until it came time for the injections. Of course, she could not anticipate what was about to happen. When the needle went into her fat thigh, she looked at me as though I was the biggest traitor in America and let out a cry that must have been heard around the world. Intense crying continued out of the office, all the way through the building and parking lot, into the car, all the way home, until finally she was just too exhausted to continue.

Our family made a trip to Ada, Oklahoma, to visit relatives when Heather was four months old. The visit was both fun and nightmarish. While she enjoyed meeting new people, noises disturbed her, and she had even more trouble sleeping than at home. Dewayne’s family loved playing dominoes, and every time the dominoes were shuffled, she would startle and cry! She reacted to everyone with smiles and laughs, but then showed how she could disturb the peace. Dewayne’s sister had considered having a baby; however, after a few days around Heather, she changed her mind.

butterfly.tif

In August of 1971, Dewayne completed his PhD and accepted a position with Dowell, a division of Dow Chemical, in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It was incredible to relocate in Oklahoma, close to our families. We moved into an apartment in Tulsa and began life after graduate school. We were excited about becoming normal people, looking for a house, and making real money.

Heather was eight months old and developing her own personality when we moved. For the first time, she had her own bedroom. While in the married-student housing apartment at Purdue, we transformed the entry closet into her nursery. We thought that maybe when she had a quieter, larger room, she would sleep better. Wrong.

About a year later, we moved into our first single-family dwelling. We were so happy. A slight change occurred in Heather because she was more capable of entertaining herself, but she still didn’t sleep as much as other children her age. She didn’t talk as early as other children, but at about eighteen months old, she spoke in sentences, skipping the baby-babble stage. Dewayne and I provided plenty of toys and objects for her to play with. We kept her close, talked to her, and read to her. We enjoyed our baby.

Heather was incredibly outgoing and never met a stranger. While shopping for Christmas around her first birthday, she admired a mobile with chimes, a little elf, and mistletoe hanging as a decoration in a small shop. Dewayne held her up so she could ring the chimes. She enjoyed this activity so much that the storekeeper gave her the mobile, and it became a cherished decoration placed in our home every Christmas.

The trait of never meeting a stranger caused Dewayne’s father to worry. He told us that he had recurring nightmares about her being kidnapped and cautioned us to be careful to protect her.

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Elaina arrived November 14, 1972. Heather mostly adored her baby sister; however, there were times of jealousy. Heather helped take care of Elaina by getting diapers, giving her toys, and entertaining her. Of course, Elaina loved watching her act cute and silly, responding with smiles and giggles. Every once in a while, Heather would bite Elaina’s fingers, and she would let out a scream. We were not sure if the biting was an expression of love or jealousy, but we learned that it was not uncommon for two-year-olds to bite.

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Heather (two-years-old) and Elaina (one-month-old) 1972 in Tulsa, Oklahoma

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Heather articulating

"No! No! No!

Heather’s No! No! No! stage began when she was about eighteen months old. Her aunt Carolyn made a beautiful white cape for her for Christmas that year. Heather looked beautiful, but the camera captured this not-so-beautiful attitude perfectly.

Heather showed extreme organizational skills for a toddler and kept her room and toys neat. Multiple parts of toys had to stay together, and all toys had to be put away in the same place. Was this a mother’s dream or a mother’s nightmare? Considering that I was neither the neatest nor the messiest housekeeper, I didn’t understand why she was extreme. It seemed almost like a desirable trait.

When Heather was two and a half, we vacationed in California where Dewayne’s sister lived. There were many wonderful sights and things to do in the San Francisco area. While driving to tour the Giant Sequoia National Monument, Heather fell asleep in the car. When we arrived and woke her, she screamed intensely, and we were unable to calm her within a normal range of time. She seemed to overreact to most situations.

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I enjoyed crafts and sewing, especially for the children. When Heather was three years old, I made her a big rag doll with some of her features, like dark hair and eyes, for a Christmas present. I made a calico-print dress, size 4, for the doll and a matching one for Heather, except in size 3. For Elaina’s Christmas present, I made a mother turtle, big enough for her to sit on, and a baby turtle to match. The girls made quite a scene with their new toys.

Heather’s grandmother suggested naming her doll Bertha, and the name stuck. She played with Bertha only a little but kept the doll sitting in the corner of her room. One day, when Heather misbehaved, I sent her to her room to calm down. Later, I went to her room to end the isolation and found her sitting on Bertha’s lap. I simply couldn’t keep a straight face.

Heather loved to eat sweet-and-sour pork from a carryout Chinese restaurant in Tulsa. She was about four years old, and we were going somewhere in the car when she said, Guess what I want for dinner? When I said that I didn’t know, she responded, It starts with a ‘Chine.’

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Doug was born on February 3, 1975. Our family was ecstatic to have a new baby, and Heather and Elaina helped take care of him. During the preschool days, the children played together with the