Presto! Laughter: More Than 2,800 New Laugh-Lines for Your Favorite Magic Tricks

By Carroll Edward Lisby

One thing magicians like to hear even more than oohs and ahhs is laugher. They know laughter means a happy, satisfied audience, which means more bookings and higher fees. If youd like to add new laughs to your act but have despaired of finding suitable material take heart. Here is the resource countless magicians have been waiting for: Carroll Lisbys Presto! Laughter: More Than 2,800 New Laugh-Lines for Your Favorite Magic Tricks. Not a batch of old, recycled jokes, Presto! Laughter is instead a goldmine of magic-themed laugh-lines that you can drop in at appropriate times during a performance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 23, 2010
• ISBN: 9781469122946

Book preview

Copyright © 2010 by Carroll Edward Lisby.

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4415-6216-6

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4415-6215-9

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4691-2294-6

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in

any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,

recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without

permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

46935

CONTENTS

A Few Words

At the Beginning

-A-

-B-

-C-

-D-

-E-

-F-

-G-

-H-

-I-

-J-

-K-

-L-

-M-

-N-

-O-

-P-

-Q-

-R-

-S-

-T-

-U-

-V-

-W-

-X-

-Y-

-Z-

For Mary,

who patiently indulges a husband

who likes to think he’s a comedian

A Few Words

At the Beginning

Have you ever been reading a book and wondered why it has a preface or perhaps a forward? Simple. Because it needs no introduction.

Thus the heading at the top of this page.

§

Let me welcome you to Presto! Laughter: More Than 2,800 New Laugh-Lines for Your Favorite Magic Tricks. I hope that you will enjoy reading it but—more importantly—that you will find laugh-lines which you can use to enhance your own magic act. To help this process along, I’d like to offer a few suggestions.

Although the contents are humorous, Presto! Laughter is really a reference work just as a dictionary or an encyclopedia is a reference work. Nobody begins at Page 1 and reads through a dictionary; he looks up what he needs. This applies to Presto! Laughter as well. I don’t recommend reading it from cover to cover. Instead, open it at a random page and sample the laugh-lines there, then repeat at other openings. After that look up some of the tricks you now perform and then some tricks you might like to add to your act.

For each of 300-plus tricks you will find a varied assortment of laugh-lines—for example, 19 for Linking Rings, 17 for Rabbit From Hat, 16 for Cups and Balls, 16 for Miser’s Dream,15 for Rising Cards, 15 for Sawing a Lady in Half, 14 for Vanishing Bird Cage and 14 for Cut and Restored Rope. (Please note that these laugh-lines do not form a complete patter routine for any trick—although you could possibly use them as the foundation for developing your own patter routine.) Multiple laugh-lines are given for each trick so that you will have a good selection to choose from. Look them over, pick out one, two or more that appeal to you and try them out in your next show.

All magicians realize that they need to practice a trick before performing it in front of an audience. Laugh-lines should also be practiced. Go over the trick and laugh-line(s) together as many times as necessary to make sure that all goes smoothly.

A magician who is seeking laughs should strive to project the image of a warm, friendly, outgoing person—someone who smiles often and laughs easily. Make yourself, not a member of the audience, the butt of jokes. The only exception to this rule might be a heckler whose loud remarks are disrupting others’ enjoyment of the show. And even then it is better to err on the side of discretion.

Make a conscious effort to speak out and project your voice so that all can hear. Try to speak distinctly, clearly enunciating each word. Even the funniest joke won’t produce laughter if it’s not understood.

There is an extra benefit of humor that many magicians may have overlooked. Laughter is one of the best forms of misdirection. When people are laughing, they’re not inclined to worry too much about how the rabbit got into the hat.

For the statistically minded, Presto! Laughter includes a total of 2,859 entries or laugh-lines. These are grouped under 414 subject headings—mostly tricks and illusions but also including special types of acts (kids’ shows, mental magic, dove act, silent act, etc.), materials we conjure with (cards, coins, ropes, silk handkerchiefs, rubber bands, etc.), props, venues, allied arts and the like.

-A-

§Ace Assembly

I will attempt to assemble all four aces in one place. You know why that’s hard? Think back to when you were a kid in school. Didn’t you just hate assembly?

Why do the aces come together? Because they’re elitists and don’t like to associate with the riffraff.

Why bring the aces together? Why not? It makes at least as much sense as the reunion of a high school graduating class.

(Shaking head.) I knew the Ace Assembly trick wouldn’t be easy. There on the box were those dreaded words: Some assembly required.

Assembling the aces shouldn’t too hard. In magic school I aced the card trick exam.

In magic school students by the dozens lined up to learn the Ace Assembly. We called it the Assembly line.

If you want to perform the Ace Assembly trick, you have to buy it at a magic shop. I admit I find that surprising. I thought the U.S. Constitution guaranteed all citizens the right of free Assembly.

The rest of the cards are assembled at the playing card factory. Why should the aces get special treatment?

Ace Assembly—that’s a gathering of hot-shot pilots who decide what makes up the Right Stuff.

§Aerial Fishing

You ask what I’m doing? Well, it’s like this: I was spending a quiet evening at home playing card games with my wife and children—when my wife told me, Go fish!

You ask what I’m doing? I’m fishing in the jet stream.

(With raised eyebrow, as fish appears on line.) There’s something fishy going on here.

What am I fishing for? Applause, of course.

I don’t know why you think this is odd. If a rock music fan can play air guitar, why can’t I go air fishing?

No fish yet. That’s strange. My trusty fish-finder must be upside down. (Pick up crystal ball and turn it over.)

There’s a simple explanation for all this. They’re flying fish. (At this point the orchestra/tape begins playing On the Road to Mandalay [Where the Flying Fishes Play].)

§Afghan Bands

I’d like to show you a trick with Afghan Bands. Do you know what Afghan Bands are? They are bed linens that some misbehaving Afghan hounds have torn to shreds. Like these. (Show cloth bands.)

Do you know what Afghan Bands are? These are Afghan Bands. (Show paper bands.) They’re from a couple of afghans that my grandmother bought at Wal-Mart.

(Showing linked bands.) And even after being torn apart, one band clings to the other. Like a poor relation who is always looking for a handout.

(Showing single long band.) Look what we have now—a band large enough to go around the world’s fattest Afghan. Maybe even a band of fat Afghans.

Now you may be wondering: What is an Afghan band anyway—a group that plays at Afghan weddings?

No, no. I assure you the Afghan Bands have nothing to do with Taliban insurgents.

The Afghan Bands trick is hard to figure out. Almost as hard as the political situation in Afghanistan.

§Age Cards

You can use the Age Cards to tell the age of anybody—except a woman between 30 and 60. And you could use them then if you don’t mind getting your face slapped.

This is a very old trick. How old? Examine the cards. Back in the time when they were invented, nobody lived past age 63.

(Using cards that are bent and discolored.) This is a very old trick. Why do I say that? Examine the cards. They look like they barely survived the Great Flood.

Historians tell us that the Age Cards date back to middle age—er, I mean the Middle Ages.

This is a very simple trick. Why do I say that? Well, I’m performing it—and I learned it from my five-year-old son.

§Ambitious Card

The proper name of this trick is the Ambitious Card. But I prefer to call it the Horatio Alger Card.

The card needs to be careful. There’s a fine line between ambitious and obnoxious.

(Using a jack.) How does the jack get to the top so quickly? He takes the freight elevator.

(Using a jack.) How does the jack get to the top so quickly? He has something on the king.

So the card rises to the top of the deck. Why? Because that’s the height of its ambition.

People are always saying there’s room at the top—except for those who are already there.

All that talk about room at the top just isn’t true. It’s not a room at all—it’s a luxury suite.

§Anti-Gravico

(As you turn bottle upside down and liquid remains inside.) No Coke, no joke.

Why does the Coke stay in the bottle? Because this theater has a Pepsi-only policy.

Why does the Pepsi stay in the bottle? Because it’s lost its pep.

Why does the Diet Dr. Pepper stay in the bottle? Because nobody likes diet drinks.

How do I do it? I’ll tell you. First, you have to adopt an attitude of gravity. (Show a long face.) . . .

How do I do it? I borrow Luke Skywalker’s antigravity pack.

To be honest, I don’t really suspend the law of gravity. I just work around the edges a little.

§Any Card Called For

What is your favorite card? The joker? Be serious now.

Nobody wants a king or queen? What are you folks, a bunch of anti-monarchists?

Okay, the jack of spades. What do you want to call him for—delay of game, offsides, facemask, roughing the passer?

Okay, the jack of clubs. What did you call him for? Is it time for supper? Is it his bedtime?

If you want an ace, it will cost you extra. Why? Everybody knows that aces are high.

(If you produce a wrong card.) Some cards are like children. They don’t always come when they’re called.

Don’t you wish it were this easy to get the card you need in a poker game?

§Any Drink Called For

Ask for anything that you’d like to drink. Anything. Except for water. Or coffee. Or tea. Or lemonade. Or milk. Or orange juice. Or . . .

A smart host could use this trick to save himself not merely from embarrassment but from the poor house.

Who said sasparilla?

What do you mean, yak’s milk?

(If you get a difficult request.) This calls for a little ingenuity.

Please, don’t everybody speak at once. That’s uncalled for.

What is this anyway, the bar scene from Star Wars?

§Apparatus or Props

This is some old apparatus that I had lying around the house. I was going to give it to Goodwill, but I decided to put on a show instead.

I got these props from my Great Uncle Roscoe, who bought them for $18 at an old Woolworth’s five-and-dime. And they’re Wool-worth it.

(Displaying apparatus.) These are the things that a magician entertains with—or dies a thousand deaths with.

I could never get along without paper clips, rubber bands and chewing gum. I use them to prop up my props.

Of course, all I really need is a sheet of plastic and duct tape. I have the Department of Homeland Security’s word on that.

(As you lean against large prop.) There’s nothing like a prop to prop on.

All magicians use boxes and tubes and stuff. Otherwise they wouldn’t have anything to show empty before pulling things out of it.

I bought this ribbon at the dime store; it cost me $3. I bought this handkerchief at the dollar store; it cost me $8. How is this possible? It’s all due to a modern discovery called inflation.

§Appearing Cane

Why do I perform the Appearing Cane? (Strike a gentlemanly pose.) Just for the sake of appearance.

It’s the old story of Cain and Abel. An aspiring magician will learn to produce a cane—if he’s able.

Suppose you are at an exclusive men’s club and decide that the scoundrel you’re talking to deserves a good caning. But you’ve left your cane at home. What do you do? Presto! (Cane appears in hand.)

Suppose you’re at a picnic and don’t have a stick to roast wieners on. What do you do? Presto! (Cane appears in hand.)

What do you mean I produced the wrong thing? Are you serious? You really asked for a crane?

§Appearing Handkerchief

(Walking on stage, you notice a large sign with words Appearing Tonight and picture of yourself holding a brightly colored silk handkerchief which fills most of space. You pause to check pockets, then notice something rolled up on table. With a dramatic gesture and confident smile, you show the same colored handkerchief.) See? It’s here—just like we promised.

(Pretending to sneeze.) Ahh . . . ahh . . . ahh . . . (Suddenly a handkerchief appears which you use to muffle sneeze.) At times like this it’s good to be a magician.

Don’t you know that Adam and Eve would like to have known this trick when they were leaving the Garden of Eden?

Do you know the only time when an Appearing Handkerchief is not welcome? At a meeting of Kleenex salesmen.

Would you like me to do the Appearing Handkerchief trick? (Show square of white cloth.) Tell me, does this appear to you to be a handkerchief? (Getting affirmative answer, you smile broadly.) See—the Appearing Handkerchief.

(Stick a smiley face sticker on corner of handkerchief and tuck it into coat pocket so that only face shows.) Look—a peering handkerchief.

§Applause

Thank you for the round of applause. That’s one round I’m afraid I lost.

That’s the weakest applause I’ve ever heard. Barely more than a single applaw.

Like all performers, I enjoy applause. But if you don’t feel like applauding, just clap your hands together.

Just pretend your hands are cold and you’re trying to warm them up.

It’s all right to applaud. The walls are soundproof.

It’s all right to applaud. All the neighbors are awake.

It’s all right to applaud. If you wake up the person in the next seat, he shouldn’t be sleeping anyway.

Don’t applaud. Whistle and shout.

Don’t applaud. Just throw money.

§Arabian Tent Illusion

This is an Arabian Tent. Yes, I know—it looks more like a Boy Scout tent. Maybe it belongs to an Arabian Boy Scout.

This is an Arabian Tent. It’s where poor Saudi families spend their Arabian nights.

So you can see the tent is completely empty. As empty as Middle Eastern rulers’ promises to hold down oil prices.

And what do we find inside the Arabian Tent—Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves? Well, no, just Ali Baba. The 40 Thieves only appear in very large theaters.

You shouldn’t be surprised that someone appears in the tent. Cheap rentals go fast these days.

§Artist’s Dream

And as he works diligently at his painting, the artist grows weary and then falls asleep. Now you know why there are so many unfinished portraits around.

As he paints, the love-struck artist falls asleep and dreams about his dreamboat—a 150-foot yacht.

What does an artist dream about anyway? A six-figure commission.

Tell me: Does an artist who works in charcoal dream in black and white?

(As subject comes to life and steps from canvas.) Pay no attention to her. She’s only a painted lady.

We can only hope that a Picasso painting won’t come to life some day. Or . . . (Shudder.) . . . a Salvador Dali.

If dreams really came true, we’d all have a hard time explaining it to our spouse.

The lesson is that magic, like art, is in the eye of the beholder.

§Automaton

I’d like to introduce Alexander, the automaton. He dates back to an earlier day in history when the only things automated were the steam engine and the Model T.

Please show a little respect. After all, Alexander is older than you are. About 100 years older.

You can ask Alexander any question and he will write out an answer. I can’t vouch for its accuracy, but he has really great handwriting.

Alexander is a whiz at chess. He beats everybody who challenges him to a match. Sadly he no longer accepts challenges from computers.

What’s the difference between Alexander and a computer? Well, he has a lot more personality.

Just think: If you had an automaton like this, you’d never have to write another thank-you note.

-B-

§Ball

The ball was invented thousands of years ago. It’s been ’round for a long time.

There are many different kinds of balls—footballs, baseballs, basketballs, soccer balls, volleyballs, billiard balls, debutante balls . . .

There are many different kinds of balls. (Hold up multicolored ball.) This is a fancy dress ball.

(Hold up ball sporting Lone Ranger-type mask.) And this is a masked ball.

I got this ball when my wife and I were married three years ago. I’m still wearing the chain. (Pull back jacket to show watch chain.)

Do you know why I’m not a member of (local exclusive club)? I was blackballed. And I have the ball to prove it. (Hold up black ball.)

Do you know what happens when a little girl loses her ball? She bawls.

I hope everybody’s having a ball tonight. If not, I’ve got one for you. (Toss out beach ball.)

In most parts of the country a baseball game starts when the umpire shouts, Play ball!