Through the Looking Glass - Darkly

By Ruth Johnson-Ewing

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASSDARKLY is based on real life experiences suffered by two children deserted by their mother at an early age. They were thrust into a life of emotional and physical abuse in a foster home, where they remained for 14 years. Released to their father as teens, they ran headlong into unfamiliar territory. They fought their way to becoming productive adults. Their innate ability to survive lifes trials, given the absence of love and nurturing, was a hard lesson in growth and maturity. And this they did, becoming the best they could be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 24, 2007
• ISBN: 9781469118765

Ruth Johnson-Ewing

The author is a 74 year old African-American mother of eight daughters; grandmother of 16 and great-grandmother of eight. Born in Boston, MA, she graduated from Cambridge High & Latin School in 1951, and earned a Masters Degree at age 53. She received certification for courses taken in Recreational Therapy, Psychology I, Business Management and has written Christian plays which were performed at area churches. Despite the absence of family nurturing, sheer determination propelled the author to succeed. The writing of this book was therapeutic and for those going through trauma, there is hope in Almighty God.

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Copyright © 2007 by Ruth Johnson-Ewing.

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Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

FOREWORD

CHAPTER I

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER II

GENESIS

CHAPTER III

JOSEPH & SARA

CHAPTER IV

DUBIOUS INTENTIONS

CHAPTER V

A FATHER’S DILEMMA

CHAPTER VI

THE FOSTER HOME

CHAPTER VII

EXODUS

CHAPTER VIII

LIBERATION

CHAPTER IX

LIFE’S ORIENTATION

CHAPTER X

A MIND DISARRAYED

CHAPTER XI

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

THE AUTHOR THANKS HER SISTER, MS. MARION F. ROACH, WHO TOOK THIS JOURNEY AS WELL, AND GRATEFULLY ACKNOWLEDGES HER SUPPORT AND ASSISTANCE IN CHRONICALING THIS NARRATIVE. THIS STORY IS BASED ON FACTUAL EVENTS, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE

EARLY RECOLLECTIONS RECOUNTED BY FAMILY AND ACQUAINTANCES.

MY SINCEREST GRATITUDE AND LOVE.

TO ALL MY DAUGHTERS

LINDA, KAREN, DEBI, PAM, ANDREA & KIM

REV. CARL E. TAYLOR

REV. JOSEPH WAYNE LYLES;

REV. DR. SHERRY MOLOCK

REV. DR. DEBORAH HOY-JONES

FOR THEIR ENCOURAGEMENT, CONFIDENCE AND LOVE

AND TO MY

LONG-TIME FRIEND, MS. YVONNE JOHNSON-LEE, WHOSE COMFORT AND KIND SPIRIT BOLSTERED MY RESOLVE TO RECORD MY LIFE’S CHALLENGES.

Instead of complaining about the thorns on roses, be thankful for the roses among the thorns. . . . Daily Bread 1999

FOREWORD

Insecurity and unworthiness, reinforced continuously from early childhood until one’s mid-teens, tend to seek refuge in the recesses of the soul, manifesting itself into erroneous self-truths. This perception of truths underlies abject fear. Who am I? Why am I not worthy of love? What is it about me that is loathsome? Not knowing who you really are, nor what your purpose in this life should be, and then being cast into a world you know nothing about, is absolutely frightening.

When children are rejected and unloved for some ambiguous reason, they know nothing about familial love. There is always a yearning to fill a void—something missing that is not understood. In such children, an attempt to fill that void by constantly seeking fulfillment and not finding it, culminates in distorted self worth and fear It is out of fear of being unloved that one is inclined to feign personality, hiding the true self, while pleasing others, at the expense of their own needs. Why? Because their own needs have no priority in their psyche, and poor choices are made that reflect this state of mind.

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS . . . DARKLY is based on real life experiences and family memories. It recounts the story of two sisters, who suffered deprivation of love and family when their mother deserted them. It describes a turbulent childhood in an emotionally and physically abusive foster home. When removed from the foster home to live once again with their father, they stumbled precariously through life, with nothing but their innate sense of survival and their will to do things their way.. Their thirst for love and affirmation, propelled them through chaotic experiences, as they moved slowly out of the darkness of ignorance and created for themselves the best lives they could. Ultimately, they came to realize that what successes they experienced did not come through their own finite efforts, but through their discovery of the Love, Grace and Mercy of an Infinite God, who says in His word… ". . . I’ll never leave you or forsake you . . ."

CHAPTER I

PROLOGUE

It’s going to be a great afternoon, she mused. The house was very quiet. Ruby Little, twice-divorced mother of eight daughters, had the house to herself—a luxury she seldom enjoyed. It seemed that she always wanted family around. That was a question she smiled to herself about. When the girls were around, there was a modicum of drama; when they were broke or just wanted someone to run things by, they would call. Now, in her early 70s, she relished the thought of no one calling her with drama, even though there was a measure of loneliness. Ruby sighed, at last, and let out a spontaneous shout. It’s all good… this peace and quiet, Ruby went to the refrigerator and prepared a variety of snacks, including cheese and apples, and went into her modest living room. Scanning her collection of videos, she chose The Color Purple, popped it into her VCR and settled back on the couch. I’m going to enjoy this respite, she said aloud. She had seen it so many times, but never tired of it.

The movie was both poignant and exhilarating and Ruby identified with some of the situations the characters were drawn into. At one point, she sat immobile, staring at the TV screen, a lump in her throat and her eyes brimming with tears. She watched the reunion between the sisters in the ending moments of the movie. How familiar it seemed, she thought, that feeling of finally coming together after being brutally separated physically and detached emotionally. She felt the raw emotions that emanated from the screen, as the sisters embraced—hugging, touching and playing a childhood hand game—rediscovering the kinship that had been so long denied.

What’s the matter with me? she thought, as tears welled up in her eyes. This was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon. She was reminded of the things she had deliberately put out of her mind. I thought I had gotten over that love and family thing, she said aloud. Never had it, so what? What’s it all about anyway? Sometimes you care too much, and in the end you lose those you love—or drive them away. A wry grin passed quickly. So many emotions flowed through Ruby. She was disgusted with herself for what she perceived as too much emotion. I’m just a sentimental fool, she muttered to herself. Ruby berated herself for being too dependent on her family—now all grown with lives of their own—yet she enjoyed the respite of aloneness, but only for awhile. Picking up the remote, she rewound the tape, and turned off the television. Ruby lay back on the couch. She had survived two marriages. The first was a learning period. Two youngsters who didn’t have a clue. The second—a tumultuous affair—with Ruby being pulled in two directions by an autocratic husband and the six mischievous children of her first marriage. Two of her eight children had died—one at six years of age and the other at three months old. How ironic, she thought, that I lost my own brothers at six years old and three months old. She closed her eyes, desperately trying to shut out the flood of memories. She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. She found herself getting tense. What a life, she thought, as she inhaled deeply, and let it out slowly. Gradually, she relaxed and settled back into the plush cushions on the couch, her eyes closing. As her thoughts drifted back to old memories, she remembered and dismissed them, depending upon their kindness. She shook her head… why do I want to linger back there? It had been a long journey fraught with emotional and physical abuse, drama, crises and ignorance.

She thought about her oldest daughter, Lynn, who had enlisted in the Air Force at 18, much to the disappointment of her father who threatened to get her out by any means necessary. That was quite an experience, she thought, as a soft laugh exited her lips. So many memories—some good, some bad, and some devastating—invaded Ruby’s thoughts. She went into the kitchen and began cleaning up the few dishes she used. Caren, her second daughter, was a handful. Then came Leslie, Laurie, Debi, Pamela, Andrea and Kim. "What in the world was I doing? Well, I never knew about birth control back then. She groaned audibly remembering her gullibility, lack of insight and experience, which culminated in a hasty marriage based upon the caution of the foster mother that someone as dark as Ruby was should seek a light-skinned husband. The infatuation grew into a stoic relationship, but even though it produced a large family of eight daughters without a clue on how to raise them.

I guess you could say I was very wet behind the ears, chuckled Ruby to herself.

Her thoughts then moved to her sister, Maria, whom she cared for deeply. She was the closest living relative and the only sibling left. Earlier in their lives, Ruby and Maria were not as close. There was something unexplainable between them that neither could understand. There was an inability to connect; to really have a sister-to-sister closeness. It seemed a deliberate attempt by the foster mother to create a schism between the