So Who Will Inherit the Lobster?: 52 Provocative Stories for Everyone Who Loves to Laugh or Frown

By Francis Murray

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 31, 2006
• ISBN: 9781469104683

Francis Murray

A graduate of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Francis Murray has had over 50 satires published in literary magazines in the United States, Canada and England, such as: Saturday Review (New York); The North American Review (Cornell College, Iowa); Plaintiff (Mankato State College, Minnesota); Trace (California and London); Karamu (Eastern Illinois University); Zeitgeist (Michigan State University); Nexus (California); Maguey (California); The Miscellany (Davidson College, North Carolina); University of Portland Review (Oregon); Quixote (Wisconsin); Fling (Illinois); The Cimmeron Review (Oklahoma State University); The Montrealer (Canada); New England Homestead (Massachusetts); The Human Voice (Florida); and others. His satire "Offspring," which originally appeared in Saturday Review, was reprinted in The Bedside Phoenix Nest (Ives, Washburn, New York, hardcover). A children's book, World's Wildest Animal Jokes, was published in hardcover and paperback by Sterling Publishing Co., New York.

Book preview

1     

Who’s On First?

Time:    The Resent Past

Place:    George Steinbrenner’s office at Yankee Stadium in New York

Cast:    George Steinbrenner

   Joe Torre

Page (as trumpets sound): All rise for His Eminence George Steinbrenner.

George Steinbrenner (strolling in and sitting on a throne at the back of the room): Is Joe Torre here?

Joe Torre (bowing): Sire, I’m here. I’m sorry we lost to Boston. We gave it our best shot.

George Steinbrenner: Don’t remind me. I haven’t slept all winter.

Joe Torre: We are already making great plans for next season.

George Steinbrenner: I should hope so. For starters, I’d suggest you move Derek Jeter to fullback. He needs more room to run.

Joe Torre: But he’s our short-stop.

George Steinbrenner: Mark my word. He’s going to be a great fullback. And Alex Rodriguez needs to work on his putting.

Joe Torre: You mean bunting?

George Steinbrenner: No, putting. Did you see him miss that 5-foot putt last week? And I think we should bring Roger Clemens back. He’s getting old, but he can still smash a 95-an-hour ball over the net.

Joe Torre: The net?

George Steinbrenner: Yes. Haven’t you been watching him? And I think Gary Sheffield needs to work on his goalkeeping. If he can’t do it, then give the call to Hideki Matsui. Those Japanese are great hockey players.

Joe Torre: Sire, are we on the same page?

George Steinbrenner: Well, I certainly am. And work with Mariano Riviera on his 3-pointers. His shooting is unacceptable.

Joe Torre: I seem to be missing something.

George Steinbrenner: I’ll say. Has John Olerud recovered from his shoulder injury?

Joe Torre: Yes.

George Steinbrenner: Then get him back on the ice. I insist that he learn how to do a quad before the season begins.

Joe Torre: A quad?

George Steinbrenner: You heard me. And Jason Giambi certainly needs more time on the diving board. Work with him so that he is no longer afraid of heights.

Joe Torre: Whatever you say.

George Steinbrenner: I think Bernie Williams needs more quality time at the track. His horse keeps breaking through the starting gate before the bell sounds.

Joe Torre: You certainly know your baseball. Any other thoughts?

George Steinbrenner: Definitely. I like the way Jorge Posada headed in Paul Quantrill’s corner kick in the 64th minute the other day. And I’d like to see Andy Pettitte anchor our relay team.

Joe Torre: He’s in Houston.

George Steinbrenner: I know. I’m going to talk to him while I’m at the Menninger Clinic. By the way, where did that marching band come from? We should invite them to play at Fenway Park.

2     

Dilemma

Time:    1917

Place:    Buckingham Palace, London, England

Cast:    King George V

   Queen Mary

   King’s Secretary

   Prime Minister

   Messenger

   Servants (all drinking tea)

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): Sir, we have just received a wire from Nicholas II in Russia. He has abdicated and wants to bring his family here in exile.

King George V (drinking tea): Well, he and Alexandra are good friends.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): Oh, heavens. That means I’ll have to plant more potatoes.

Prime Minister (drinking tea): I don’t think the public will like it.

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): It could cause an international scandal. Also, I don’t think the Bolsheviks will permit it.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): With the war on, I can’t afford to buy Alexandra and the girls new clothes.

King George V (drinking tea): What do you mean by an international scandal?

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): Taking in a deposed monarch isn’t exactly good public relations.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): Where on earth will they stay? There certainly is no room here.

King George V (drinking tea): What about that cute little place near Windsor Castle?

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): I thought your mistress lived there.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): Oh, shush, I knew all about it. That’s why I had to plant more potatoes.

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): That would be an ideal place to hide Prince Johnnie.

King George V (drinking tea): Who?

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): Your epileptic son.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): We do need to keep him out of sight. The public doesn’t know he exists.

Prime Minister (drinking tea): What about security?

King George V (drinking tea): We’ll have to call Scotland Yard.

(The meeting is interrupted by a messenger)

Messenger (bowing and accepting a cup of tea): Sir, we have very bad news. Nicholas II and his family have been shot.

King George V (drinking tea): Are you sure?

Messenger (drinking tea): Yes, sir, it has definitely been confirmed.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): Well, that’s certainly a fine kettle of fish.

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): Well, at least that solves your diplomatic problem.

Queen Mary (drinking tea): But we still need a place to hide Prince Johnnie.

King’s Secretary (drinking tea): That’s assuming we know where we have hidden him.

3     

Is There A Doctor In the House?

Time:    The Present

Place:    A Coffee Shop on W. 23rd Street in New York

Cast:    Etta, 83

   Darlene, 79

Etta: Hi. Sorry I’m late, but Dr. Mandelbam’s office visit lasted longer than I expected, and the crosstown bus got stuck in traffic.

Darlene: I’ve been here for over 20 minutes.

Etta: So how are you? Your hair looks great.

Darlene: Don’t ask. I can’t get an appointment with my cardiologist until Thursday.

Etta: I didn’t know you were seeing a cardiologist?

Darlene: My internist recommended him. Dr. Schwartz. He even makes house calls.

Etta: My internist only works on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Darlene: I thought you were depressed?

Etta: I was until my psychiatrist recommended Duloxetine hydrochloride. I feel much better.

Darlene: Never heard of it.

Etta: You probably know it as Cymbalta.

Darlene: Oh, yes. Nadine is taking that. Didn’t you have high blood pressure?

Etta: I still do. I don’t know the name of the drug I’m taking. Nadine recommended it.

Darlene: How many do you take daily?

Etta: Four.

Darlene: That beats me by two. I also have high cholesterol.

Etta: So do I. My doctor recommended Atorvastatin calcium. It’s Lipitor.

Darlene: So that’s what it’s called. Nadine swears by it. But my main problem is that I have insomnia several times a week.

Etta: You should take Zolpidem tartrate, either 5 or 10 milligrams. Nadine is never without it.

Darlene: Is that Ambien?

Etta: Yes. My gynecologist recommended it. You’ll sleep like a baby.

Darlene: I’ll ask my periodontist. She’s up on all the latest drugs. She is the one who recommended Sildenafil citrate.

Etta: She’s crazy. That’s Viagra for erectile dysfunction.

Darlene: Oh, my God. Maybe she meant Vytorin.

Etta: What’s that for?

Darlene: I have no idea. Physician’s Desk Reference calls it Ezetimibel or Simvastatin. Myrtle has been taking it, and she’s always delirious. Didn’t you have angina?

Etta: Yes, my druggist suggested Norvasc.

Darlene: Have you noticed any difference?

Etta: I can’t tell because of the dizziness, headache, fatigue and edema. He said there were some side-effects.

Darlene: What’s edema?

Etta: How should I know? I wish they’d tell us what to take in layman’s terms. How’s your constipation?

Darlene: It’s much better. My chiropractor recommended MiraLax. It’s a stool softener. It dissolves instantly in just about everything but Jack Daniel’s. Didn’t you have a dental appointment this week?

Etta: Yes, but my hygienist is vacationing in Hawaii. At any rate, I couldn’t go because I have been suffering from acid reflux.

Darlene: What did your doctor prescribe for that?

Etta: Esomeprazole magnesium. You know it as Nexium. But I’d rather have acid reflux than the diarrhea, headache and abdominal pain the drug causes.

Darlene: Do you take any other drugs?

Etta: Yes, about 12-14 a day. Bernice recently started me on Lantus.

Darlene: What’s that for?

Etta: Diabetes.

Darlene: You never told me you were diabetic?

Etta: I’m not. But I figured if I ever get it, I’d be ahead of the game.

Darlene: Do you take vitamins?

Etta: Absolutely not. My doctor says they will poison you.

Darlene: I never heard of that before. I take Vitamin E for my heart and Vitamin C to ward off a cold.

Etta: For a cold, I eat chicken soup. It’s called Russian penicillin. Do you still go to your doctor for a check-up?

Darlene: Yes, once a month. I never know whether that’s necessary, or if I am paying for him and his girlfriend to go to Aruba. How about you?

Etta: About the same. You can never be too careful. And he has the smoothest hands.

Darlene: Well, I think we should order.

Etta: Very well. I’m going to have beef stew, baked potato with a lot of butter and a salad.

Darlene: Aren’t you watching your cholesterol?

Etta: Not really. That’s for my doctor to worry about.

4     

Horoscope

VIRGO (August 24-September 23)

As Mercury sashays deeper into your chart, be prepared to put your affairs in order. The bad news is that you only have a short time to live. The good news is that you will be hit by a drunken driver while crossing a street and die instantly. Sayonara.

LIBRA (September 24-October 23)

In your naïveté you are convinced that you are going to get a raise at your chicken-plucking plant. In reality you will get your right arm cut off in some machinery and spend the next six months in hospital.

SCORPIO (October 24-November 22)

As Venus and Saturn tiptoe through your chart, get set for a lot of stress. You will be awakened early today by an overflowing sewer line outside your house, and the whole place will be inundated with a 3-inch cascade of shit.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)

With Mars, Jupiter and the sun all badmouthing your birth sign, get set for a lot of trauma. The dose of Viagra will instigate an erection that will last for five days, so you will have to go to work wearing a raincoat.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 20)

What may appear to be good news will go south later today when you learn your mother-in-law has lost her home in foreclosure, and she will be living with you indefinitely. Adding salt to the wound, you have to buy an oxygen tank for her emphysema.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

As Mercury, planet of the mind, somersaults back into your birth sign, you must have been pretty dense to think that your spouse was visiting her grandmother. In reality, she has been in Atlantic City gambling away the family fortune.

PICES (February 20-March 20)

What you thought was a harmless old man who moved next door, turns out to be notorious pedophile who will be molesting all the children in the neighborhood. Worse still, he will be introducing them to crack-cocaine.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

While Mercury gallops retrograde, you are still not out of the woods. What you thought was a clean bill of health from your doctor is a sham. He read the wrong X-rays, and you have a tumor in your abdomen the size of a cantaloupe.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

It is time for you to face reality. You did not get fired because of downsizing at your company. The truth is that you are a confirmed alcoholic and you will never hold down a job again.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

You need to focus on things that are important in life. As Mercury, your ruler, skips and jumps back into the area of your chart that governs what you think, you have to realize that you are a moron, so deal with it.

CANCER (June 22-July 23)

Plans concerning money matters that you hoped would keep you from declaring bankruptcy are now on hold. Your parents have disinherited you, and the lottery ticket you thought would make you rich was accidentally flushed down the toilet.

LEO (July 24-August 23)

You should not make too many plans today. As Mercury continues to race back into your birth sign, you will be astonished to know that a plane crashes into your home, completely destroying it, and you and your family just barely make it out alive.

5     

The Child Pound

It had been six weeks since Marina lost our third child (it was her third miscarriage), and I was getting worried about her physical and mental health. Nothing that any of us could do seemed to help; she had been unable to sleep or eat with any regularity since then. And she had been crying a lot.

It’s just been too much for her, I said to a friend, Ben Harper, one day over lunch. Even her mother hasn’t had any luck in pulling her out of this one. I even suggested a second honeymoon to Hawaii, but she seemed unconcerned and evasive about taking the trip.

Obviously, a child is the only answer, Ben said.

But you know how she feels about adoption?

I wasn’t thinking about adoption. There’s a much easier way, Ben said.

How is that? I asked.

The Child Pound.

The Child Pound?

Yes.

Is it anything like a dog . . . ?

Exactly. You just go to the pound and pick out one that you like. There’s no red tape and no fuss. Just pick one out, Ben said.

The idea gives me the creeps, I said.

It did me, too. At first. Then I got to thinking about all those starving little kids, just roaming the streets and picking up anything they can find to eat, and the whole thing makes a lot of sense.

What age children are these? I wanted to know.

Oh, from about one to six on up.

You mean they’ve been abandoned?

"That’s right. Some of them have been left on the steps of a church; some have been dumped out at night in front