The Sex Board: An Bord Gneás

By Alexandra Bell

The Sex Board is an entirely fictional account of the new public or should it be pubic body set up by the Irish government to provide relaxing services for all the elites in Ireland, whether they are elite people in the top ranks of the public service, top people in business and other organisations, such as charities and the Catholic church in Ireland.

With the arrival of the Sex Board, a troupe of beautiful looking young men and women, all fantastically well endowed, set out to keep all these elites happy, with unbridled scenes of sexual gratification and satisfaction. For the people they serve, no kink is too way out, no pleasure beyond bounds. For all these top elites, the arrival of the Sex Board means that they can enjoy unlimited sexual relations and pleasure.

The book satirises each and every section of society in which these elite personnel operate. The ordinary man and woman in the street, Joe and Josephine Soap, have to pay for the heavy outgoings of the Sex Board through their punitive taxes, but since they are the little people, they are not allowed to take part in any of these romps behind closed doors. Soon, the Sex Board is working like a piston under full pressure and such is the wide scale of copulation and sexual frolics, little or no work gets done.

Yet as this satire explains, Ireland still continues to function perfectly well, without any hindrance to services provided by the public and private sectors. Private parts are always to the fore, yet in this satire, the newly found obsession with sex at the top levels of Irish society means that everything continues, business as usual and all the really serious problems in Irish society are ignored. Perhaps there s a moral tucked away in that unprecedented devotion to amorality.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Oct 6, 2017
• ISBN: 9781490785066

Book preview

CHAPTER I

Glory holes for the top brass

M ANY people wonder why it takes the political establishment in Ireland so long to do anything and why, when there’ s a real crisis, like the present housing situation or the utter chaos in the public health system, it acts with all the speed of a constipated elephant.

The answer lies in a meeting of politicians belonging to one of Ireland’ s leading political parties and it all began with a huddle of half a dozen members at party headquarters. These six male politicians were all gathered together, glasses of wine being constantly topped up, discussing what seemed to be a very controversial topic, such was their clandestine attitude, a cloak of secrecy even, that surrounded their meeting.

What they were discussing had as much appeal for politicians, especially males, as the offer of limitless free booze. What this little cabal was discussing was the setting up of a Sex Board, An Bord Gneás in Irish, that would provide non- stop sexual relief to any males or females who required it. The only qualification for availing of such a privilege was that the person whose knob was being rubbed up the right way, or whose cunny was being stroked and lubricated, had to be a member of the elites in Irish society. Politicians, naturally, considered themselves part of the elite, which are deeply entrenched in other areas of society, such as business, the media, charities and religion.

Once this little group had decided exactly how the Sex Board would work, and the type of lubricious services it would provide, they approached the party leader, who was all of a sudden, equally enthusiastic. Then came the votes of all the party’s politicians, both at national and local level, and they turned in a 75 per cent majority in favour of such an official organisation set up. Soon, practically every political party in the country followed suit, with the exception of Sinn Féin, still showing strong signs of Northern puritanism. This party dismissed the idea, because the workers wouldn’ t be able to join in the fun, even though they’ d have to pay for all these shenanigans through their taxes. But with such a high degree of overall political support, the idea of The Sex Board soon crossed from being a mere idea to being a strong reality, up and running and ready to go.

Many of the politicians who backed the proposal were people who made such a fragile impression on the political history of this country because their achievements in office were so slight. But as soon as they had given their backing to the new Sex Board, they knew instinctively that they had achieved political immortality; the voters would never forget what they had done. It was the political equivalent of the great movie stars having their handprints set in stone in Hollywood.

One of those leading politicians elaborated: All the people in the establishment of Ireland, whether it’ s in politics, in business, in the media or in the church, work so hard at putting right all the things that are wrong in Ireland, and looking after the little people so diligently, that they are absolutely worn out. They all need a little rest and relaxation from running this wonderful country of ours and to that end, we’ ve decided to set up An Bord Gneás, which will provide much needed relief to both men and women in high places.

But he admitted: It’ s not an entirely new idea as I’m following EU precedents. In Brussels, there’s long been a similar organisation in place, providing much needed relief for the higher- up members of staff. We all know how exacting it is working for the EU and people do need a little bit of relaxation. The organisation in Brussels has worked wonders in keeping senior workers well relaxed and happy after all their endeavours, so I’m quite sure that a similar organisation here will also work wonders.

Continuing, now that his enthusiasm for the project had fired up his vocal chords, he added: It’ ll also be a big job creation process, as many young women will be needed to service both men and women, while many young men will be needed to service the ladies and the men who prefer their own sex. At this point, he added a little joke, all his own creation, and not those of his scriptwriters: we’ll be looking for young men as well endowed as Conor McGregor is. His outstanding attribute was all too clear for all to see during his recent bout in Las Vegas, a wonderful inspiration to the young people of this country. Women, too, will find plenty openings, he added, not only among their own sex, but with the opposite sex.

The politicians agreed that the new board would operate to the highest standards. The men and women working for it would all be fitted out with couture styled uniforms, complete with the letter F on the breast pockets. Then some of the politicans said, without realising that their words could be taken another way, by the time the new board has completed all its work, Ireland will be well and truly fucked. Every taste will be catered for, whether it’ s intercourse, buggery or cunnilingus. The only totally prohibited activity, under any circumstances, will be anything that smacks of pedophilia, they explained.

All the politicians were unanimous in saying that the services of the new Sex Board will only be available to members of the elite. With a sneer and a snarl, they added: They won’ t be available to the great unwashed of Ireland, the holders of public service cards.

All the politicians present treated themselves to a long round of applause and their new creation was soon dubbed the Politicians’ Mounted Regiment. Some journalists condemned all this sexual codology and said it was merely a case of the politicians getting codpieces for themselves at the expense of long suffering taxpayers.

One of the few politicians critical of the move said that the announcement of the new semi- state board was yet another example of an initiative being launched with dramatic effect, which would soon be followed by inertia, something that didn’t actually happen in this case, as the people for whom the new semi- State board was created, used it with such vigour and enthusiasm that all other concerns, like day- to- day work, flew out the window.

Another leading politician was much concerned about the very large lorry he’ d seen parked outside the parliament building that very day and which he thought looked suspicious. He was reassured: there’s absolutely no cause for concern. That lorry was in the precincts of Leinster House on lawful business, in fact, it was delivering a lorry load of platitudes to our politicians, where they are very much in demand.

Top politicians then reverted to what had now become their favourite theme, how An Bord Gneás would work. They said that in every branch and section of the establishment, there would be luxurious and comfortable facilities set aside so that those working there could fornicate to their heart’ s content and they would also travel to service people in Ireland