View from the Hammock: “The Key West Citizen Columns”

By Tom Walker

In this first collection of writings,Tom Walker, has gleaned the best from his award-winning Key West Citizen newspaper column "View from the Hammock" tracing nearly a decade through topics like parenthood, hurricane survival, Key Wests fascination with author Ernest Hemingway, the islands annual bacchanal known as "Fantasy Fest," exercise and an unsuccessful campaign bid for mayor of Key West. Other stuff too. In case youre still not convinced, many celebrities have read and endorse "View from the Hammock. The Key West Citizen comlumns". "How would I know, Im dead." President Abraham Lincoln, dead president. "Hes creepy." Selena Gomez, Disney channel star. OK, well...never mind...just forget we said anything.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 15, 2010
• ISBN: 9781456807160

Book preview

Copyright © 2010 by Tom Walker.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2010916320

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4568-0715-3

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4568-0714-6

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4568-0716-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

87681

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

A WARNING TO

THE READER

FAMILY

SNORING CAN BE CURED WITH UNDERSTANDING, SCIENCE AND . . . VIOLENCE

‘SONIC TEENAGER DETERRENT’ PROMISES COUNTERMEASURE TO HIP HOP ATTACK

THE HOME AQUARIUM:

JOINT DECISION FOLLOWED BY COUNTLESS DETAILS, CHOICES

WRESTLING TECHNIQUE DEMONSTRATES FLAWS IN THE ALPHA DOG THEORY

MARITAL SPECIAL OPS: RESEARCH, GOOD GROUND INTELLIGENCE REVEAL ANNIVERSARY

HOMECOMING LOSES THAT WARM FEELING WHEN OHIO TEMPERATURE DROPS

BEING A PARENT IN KEY WEST MEANS TAKING BASEBALL VERY, VERY SERIOUSLY

WHEN SONS SHOW SIGN OF INDEPENDENCE, MOMS GET TOUGH (IN STRANGE WAYS)

WHEN KIDS REACH DRIVING AGE, PARENTS AT LESS RISK FOR EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS

HEALTH & FITNESS

GOAL OF SIX-PACK ABS DOESN’T HOLD UP TO

SIX-PACK REALITY OF

POST-STORM STRESS

GUNS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH; IF YOU’RE THE ONE HOLDING IT

FIRING BACK AT READER’S RESPONSE TO GUNS

LET’S GET PHYSICAL, BUT, WITHIN REASON

HURRICANES

IT’S NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN OF MOTHER NATURE, BUT TV REPORTERS ARE FAIR GAME

WHERE’S THE CONE?

TV WEATHER FORECASTERS SET THE STAGE FOR KEYS HURRICANES

WHEN THE AC GOES ON THE BLINK—TIMES CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES

TV REPORTERS SHOULD CONSIDER LOOKING FARTHER THAT HOTEL SIDEWALK FOR ‘ACTION’

HURRICANE WILMA: ARE YOU (BLEEPING) KIDDING ME?

A STORM VETERAN’S GUIDE TO PREPARING FOR HURRICANES IN THE FLORIDA KEYS

BRACING FOR A NEW STORM SEASON IN A PALATIAL FEMA TRAILER

LOSS

FROM A BEER AT CAPT. TONY’S SALOON TO A LONG DRIVE INTO THE SURF, HERE’S TO YOU PAUL

A LEGEND NEVER DIES, CAPTAIN TONY SAILS FOR CALMER SEAS AT 92

SEMPER FI CHESTY PULLER WHEREVER YOU ARE

HEMINGWAY DAYS

TOM COVERS HEMINGWAY DAYS IN AN ALMOST IMPARTIAL MANNER

WINNING PAPA-LOOK-A-LIKE CONTEST REQUIRES SKILL, STAMINA AND . . . MONEY?

RUNNING OF THE BULLS PROMISES EXCITEMENT, MILD DISCOMFORT DURING HEMINGWAY DAYS

STEERING OF THE BULLS

FANTASY FEST

THAT POST-FANTASY FEELING

FANTASY FEST COSTUMES—RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

A SELF-TEST FOR FANTASY FEST SUCCESS

HELPFUL REPLIES TO FESTIVAL-CHALLENGED READERS

HOLIDAYS

HOLIDAY SHOPPING ENCOURAGES NOT SO HOLIDAY BEHAVIOR

A HANDMADE CARD, MOTHER’S DAY PHONE CALL MINIMIZE EMBARRASSMENT RISK

MANGER COLLAPSING, LIZARDS LEAPING, CHOIRBOYS SCRATCHING: A KEY WEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

CLAW THE GIANT EASTER BUNNIES

THOUGHTS ON THIS SPECIAL MOTHER’S DAY: CLEAN UNDERWEAR

HOLIDAY PARTY RULES OF APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR LOSERS

JULY 4TH: FREEDOM TO SHOOT FIREWORKS . . . OUT OF YOUR BUTT

A CHRISTMAS PIG ROAST: COOK YOUR SPIDERS

OTHER IMPORTANT STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

OPEN CONTAINERS ARE SOLUTION TO COLUMN TOPIC HUNT

TOM’S TIPS FOR TALKING AS A SECOND LANGUAGE

TWISTING LIKE A PRETZEL TO GET BACK TO THE COUCH FOR BRITISH OPEN

TOM’S LOW-COST SOLUTION FOR SOARING GAS PRICES

INVESTING IN A GOOD TIME

HIS MATTER OF STYLE DOESN’T CUT IT

FREE SPEECH: JUST SHUT UP

END WAR AND MAKE THE WORLD SAFE FROM ILL-ADVISED TATTOOS

FLY TOM AIR, WHERE YOU CAN HAVE BOTH SECURITY AND YOUR BARBEQUE SAUCE

SCARLETT SAYS

SAY NO TO NOSEHAIR

EXCUSE MY BUTT

MICHAEL VICK GETS THROWN TO OUR DOGS

LET’S GET RIGHT TO THE CRITICAL ISSUES IN MY KEY WEST MAYORAL CAMPAIGN

A VERY IMPORTANT AFTERWORD

I blame it all on Rusty.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Jennifer: There’s not enough gratitude I can summon to express how much you had to do with this project being completed. Let’s just say, Everything. The past 19 years have been the best package deal I ever signed.

"Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter,

sermons and soda-water the day after."

George Gordon, LORD BYRON

(1788-1824)

English poet

A WARNING TO

THE READER

If you’re not expecting a book chock full of in-depth, fully-researched, well thought out, triple checked, highly informative facts, covering a wide range of important topics such as politics, religion, immigration, liberal or conservative points of view begging answers to important questions affecting society, for example: Real or fake? Who cares? then you’ve come to the right place. This is because I’m not an actual journalist.

For a decade, I’ve written columns for The Key West Citizen newspaper in Key West, Florida. You may not realize this but writing a column requires strict discipline to maintain focus in what we in the writing game refer to as the creative process. Basically, this entails sitting at home in front of my computer, more often than not in my boxer shorts, drinking beer typing pretty much whatever comes to mind. Occasionally, I might even have reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer playing on our TV. Now, I don’t want to make you jealous, but, they pay me to do this.

I’ve been getting away with murder, . . . I mean . . . writing columns, news articles and feature stories since 1991 when I moved to Key West and discovered just how expensive it was to live on a tropical island. One time, by chance, I had a piece printed in a weekly entertainment publication. A couple weeks later, the editor called my house and said there was a check waiting for me. They said submit more. I got lucky. That night, it was the best $50 I ever spent at Captain Tony’s Saloon. Hours later, when the cab dumped me out in front of my rented house on Elizabeth Street, I realized there was some value to avoiding actual work. That and I also realized I only had on one flip flop. But, hey! Who said writing a column was all glitz and glamour.

Now, among a lot of other stuff like family, holidays and nudity (That got your attention didn’t it?), what you’re about to find in this book are a few essays covering the Ernest Hemingway Days, an annual July festival where loads of bearded fat guys resembling the great author stand around in the heat and drink heavily. My assignment was to hang around with them and write some columns. Of course, being a professional, I had to totally immerse myself in the experience. So for three days I forgot about shaving those mornings and drank a lot with bearded, fat guys. And guess what? My bosses at the Citizen never knew a thing. Again, this is because I’m a professional who understands the value of submitting my stuff by email so they couldn’t see the shape I was in.

But sometimes column topics simply happen by nature’s default. Take for example: Hurricanes. Key West, Florida is referred to by many as the Southernmost City. Closer to Cuba than Miami. As a frame of reference, Miami is located about 150 miles to the north of us or whenever you start to hear gunfire. Basically, if took a map of the Atlantic Basin and stretched it across a dart board, Key West would be in the bull’s eye during hurricane season, a period running from June through November. So in this book, you’ll notice a fair share of hurricane-related essays. Not so much on the damage caused by the storms, but the chaos, panic and general civil unrest before, during and after a storm. I’m not talking about the locals; I’m referring to the weather people in the media who try to whip up a story, any story, just for the sake of ratings. For example:

WEATHER REPORTER (Speaking breathlessly into his microphone while walking in front of the camera): As the hurricane approaches Key West, we’re here at Home Depot while thousands of people are scrambling for last minute supplies. Sir, what are you doing to prepare for this cataclysmic storm?

ME (Staring into the camera like those creepy guys on NBC’s To Catch a Predator): Um, I’m just buying a new toilet seat.

There are also a couple serious columns about some people very dear to me but I’ll let you come across those on your own. I prefer writing the humorous stuff because when you write something serious, it usually means something serious has happened and believe me; I want no part of that. Just ask my wife Jennifer, who throws shoes at me on a regular basis because she thinks I joke around too much. But this is my goal as a professional humor columnist. To divert your attention for awhile from all the pain and suffering in the world, like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, those starving people with flies crawling on them in countries I can’t pronounce or worse, Lindsey Lohan. Sure, sometimes it can get tough, but I hope I’ve done my job.

-Tom Walker, Key West, FL, October 2010-

FAMILY

Let’s just say there’s nothing like the love and support of one’s family to help you navigate life’s ever-changing currents. For that I am ever indebted to my wife Jennifer and our sons, Jon and Jack. That and man oh man are they a butt load of column fodder or what?!

SNORING CAN BE CURED WITH UNDERSTANDING, SCIENCE AND . . . VIOLENCE

I have been waking up a lot lately experiencing an important concern which I’ll share with you since I can’t go back to sleep because every time I do somebody in my family punches me because they say I snore which I’m ABSOLUTELY positive I don’t.

IMPORTANT CONCERN: Snoring.

Many people—except you and me of course—suffer from the affliction of snoring. According to researchers who apparently sneak into people’s bedrooms at night to hear them snore, snoring takes place when the free flow of air is obstructed through the passages at the back of the mouth and nose.

RESEARCHER #1: Crap! You mean we climbed through the bedroom window and this sleeping boob isn’t even snoring?

RESEARCHER #2: Pinch his nostrils then jab your finger down his throat.

RESEARCHER #1: pinching and jabbing

SLEEPING BOOB: SCHHHNNOOORRRRNNNKKKK!!!!!!!!!

RESEARCHER #1: Hey! It’s working! Let’s try that on his wife.

The area of the mouth and throat that causes snoring is made up of many disgusting parts including the tongue, tonsils, soft palate and the uvula. To identify these parts stand in front of a mirror, tilt your head back and open your mouth wwaaaaaayyyyy wide. Now take a number 2 pencil or perhaps the fat end of a pool cue and start poking around until you have identified the parts that are causing you to snore. If you find anything else, like half-chewed wads of pizza, bottle caps or someone else’s underwear you should stop drinking immediately and see a doctor (Note: This also includes if you find your own underwear).

Now that we know what causes people to snore, let’s explore the many ways to correct this problem affecting a huge percent of the population—except you and me of course.

Currently, there are over 300 different devices registered with the United States Patent and Trademark Office as cures for snoring. One of the more simple solutions is sewing a tennis ball on the back of your pajamas to force you to sleep on your side, however, the last guy to actually wear pajamas was Ward Cleaver on the 1960’s era television show Leave It To Beaver, so never mind.

More technical devices reposition the jaw or open nasal passages. Some devices have even been designed to condition a person not to snore by producing unpleasant stimuli when snoring takes place. For example, say your laying in bed one night and you start to snore. Suddenly, a monkey leaps out of the closet and starts whapping you all over