Don't Feed the Bears: How Parents Can Set Their Kids up for Failure
By Don Levin
()
About this ebook
Even the best of parents with the purest and most idealistic intentions to provide a better life for their children can set them up for failure by confusing better with easier.
So how do we provide our children with the opportunities and tools for greater success without spoiling them? How do we insure that we have positioned them for this greater standard of living without overly indulging them? No doubt it is a balancing act, and requires planning, forethought, and consistency. It also requires a long term vision, short term goals, and an incredible degree of hard work on the part of both parents working in unison to provide a stable foundation. It means not sacrificing teaching experiences when an easier choice or route presents itself. It means that from the day that youngster is born you plan on working hard, making a plan, and then working your plan as parents. It means modeling the way by living an exemplary life of courage, integrity, and character. It requires a positive attitude through which we can constantly encourage their hearts. It means establishing standards and requirements, and enforcing them. A newly planted tree can be straightened or held in place with the thinnest of wires. However, if we ignore the crooked sapling for any length of time it is often too late and too difficult to make a change when it has had a chance to grow in ways contrary to those that we desire. Children require constant nourishment to the soul, probably even more than they need to have their physical needs met by us. Remembering this is often our greatest challenge.
If you are a parent, you need to read this book.
-Chris Sorensen
Author of The Greatest Discovery
Don Levin
Don Levin is the President & CEO of USA-LTC, a national insurance brokerage, and has been in the long term care insurance industry since 1999. Don is also a former practicing Attorney-at-Law, court-appointed Arbitrator, as well as a retired U.S. Army officer with 23 years of service. Don earned his Juris Doctor from The John Marshall Law School, his MPA, from the University of Oklahoma, and his BA from the University of Illinois-Chicago. He is also a graduate of the U.S. Army Command & General Staff College and the Defense Strategy Course, U.S. Army War College. In his spare time, Don has published thirteen other books in a wide range of genre, as well as countless articles on leadership, long term care insurance, and personal development. Don is very active with his church and within the community, and remains focused on his wife Susie, their five children, nineteen grandchildren, one great-grandchild, and two dogs aptly named Barnes & Noble. A native of Chicago, Don and the majority of the clan now resides in the Boise, Idaho and Northern Utah area. Don may be reached at don@donlevin.com.
Read more from Don Levin
The Code Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Right Combination: Unlocking Your Future Through Marketing Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Leader Coach: Exposing Your Soul Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsKnight's Code Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBroken Code Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Advocate Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsClarion Blast: Quotes for a Lifetime Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBlast of Trumpets: Quotes for a Lifetime Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWisdom of the Diamond: The Five Bases of Effective Team Leadership Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Healer: Sequel to The Advocate Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEight Points of the Compass: Directing Our Children on the Path to a Better Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAnother Last Day Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Path: A Memoir of Discovered Faith Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to Don't Feed the Bears
Related ebooks
Entitlemania: How Not to Spoil Your Kids, and What to Do if You Have Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsRaising Healthy Teenagers: Equipping Your Child to Navigate the Pitfalls and Dangers of Teen Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFamily Life: The Most Important Values for Living Together and Raising Children Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Planning Kids? Why? Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Eight Points of the Compass: Directing Our Children on the Path to a Better Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFrom Start to Finish...but before I Retire Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEarn It!: What to Do When Your Kid Needs an Entitlement Intervention Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLove & the Art of Saying No: A Journey Out of Co-Dependence, People-Pleasing, And Over-Commitment Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsIt Takes a Village Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Preparing Your Child for the Journey Through Adolescence: A Handbook for Parents Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFostering: A Memoir of Courage and Hope Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSo...This Is Why I'm Broke: Money Lessons on Financial Literacy, Passive Income, and Generational Wealth Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Protective Parenting: Bringing up Your Children without Clipping Their Wings Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsResponsible Parenting: Teaching Children the Value of Money Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFamily Focus a Therapist’s Tips for Happier Families Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsIn The Black: The African-American Parent's Guide to Raising Financially Responsible Children Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Gift of Enough: Raising Grateful Kids in a Culture of Excess Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMake Your Kid A Money Genius (Even If You're Not): A Parents' Guide for Kids 3 to 23 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Fighting for Taylor: A Mother and Child’S Journey of Inclusion Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWho's Raising Our Children Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsYour Kid's Not Special: A Psychologist and Father's Lessons On Popular Parenting Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAnd This Is Why We Homeschool Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5And This Is Why We Homeschool Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHomeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kid a Great Education Without Losing Your Job (or Your Mind) Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/55 Behaviors of Wise Parents: The Only Parenting Book You'll Ever Need Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMothering Millennials: Coping Skills and Tools When Kids Can’t or Won’t Leave Home Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSurviving Your Child's Adolescence: How to Understand, and Even Enjoy, the Rocky Road to Independence Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Relationships For You
A Child Called It: One Child's Courage to Survive Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5All About Love: New Visions Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Big Book of 30-Day Challenges: 60 Habit-Forming Programs to Live an Infinitely Better Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dumbing Us Down - 25th Anniversary Edition: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: The Narcissism Series, #1 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I'm Glad My Mom Died Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet: Discovering New Ways of Living When the Old Ways Stop Working Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex: Creating a Marriage That's Both Holy and Hot Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Becoming Free Indeed: My Story of Disentangling Faith from Fear Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Reviews for Don't Feed the Bears
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Don't Feed the Bears - Don Levin
Don’t Feed the Bears
How Parents Can Set Their Kids Up for Failure
Don Levin
US%26UK%20Logo%20B%26W_new.aiAuthorHouse™
1663 Liberty Drive
Bloomington, IN 47403
www.authorhouse.com
Phone: 1-800-839-8640
© 2009 Don Levin. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.
First published by AuthorHouse 12/21/2009
ISBN: 978-1-4490-6029-9 (e)
ISBN: 978-1-4490-6028-2 (sc)
Printed in the United States of America
Bloomington, Indiana
This book is printed on acid-free paper.
Contents
Preface
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Acknowledgements and Final Thoughts
About the Author
Preface
Please Read the Signs
4856782.jpgEvery year, hundreds of thousands of visitors flock to our national parks and wildlife refuges. They indulge themselves in the natural and pristine beauty of the great outdoors, and also view wild animals that they do not routinely encounter in the suburbia in which most of them dwell. They are greeted at the entrances to these large national parks by forest rangers and game keepers that provide strict advice and counsel on how to enjoy the park and its indigenous animals safely.
In addition to these instructions, visitors are also warned not to feed the bears. For those who may be forgetful of these rules, there are huge signs posted with both great prominence and frequency. These signs warn all the visitors NOT to feed the bears. Shoot, even the cartoons of my childhood that featured Yogi Bear and Jellystone Park were filled with these same admonitions. These signs are posted not for protection of the human visitors new to the wildlife habitat, but for the protection of the bears! They are necessary because every year hundreds of bears die after the end of the visitors’ season. They die not because of what they were fed by their human visitors, but because later after the humans have departed, these large animals are no longer in a position to fend for themselves. Sadly, most of them slowly starve to death.
So why talk about bears? What is it that makes this story germane to our topic of insuring that our children actually enjoy a better life as opposed to just an easier one? As the father of five such bears, I mean kids, and the grandfather of eight grand bears, I will maintain that the moral to the story is absolutely on point. Biblically we know that it is far better to teach a man to fish rather than to continually feed him fish. Why? Because when we impart the gift of self-reliance, we don’t merely feed them a meal or for a day, but rather, we feed them for life.
When we impart the gift of self-reliance, we don’t merely feed them a meal or for a day, but rather, we feed them for life.
With that as a premise, the question then becomes how should we impart all the necessary wisdom and desired gifts? How do we do it in such a way that the student does not resent the teacher? How do we do it so that the teacher does not want to kill the student in the process of sharing life’s lessons? How do we do it without spoiling the bear by feeding him and eliminating agency, the opportunity of experiential learning, and the internalization of proper values? When should we start to impart these life lessons? Certainly we don’t want to wait until they are ten years old to teach them how to walk; nor do we tell a very young child only once to look both ways before crossing the street or not to touch the hot stove.
For the life lessons we are talking about here, I always thought it started when the student obtained his or her first after school part-time job. This often accompanied the procurement of the treasured and exalted drivers license that provided independence and a degree of autonomy to said student of life. In our house, it also meant if you wanted to drive the car, you had to contribute the difference in the annual insurance premium that you accounted for with your [teenaged] presence. Over the years my insurance company has very sympathetically helped me to endure the addition of five such co-drivers with much welcome good student discounts which we always encouraged as additional motivation to maintain solid grades.
Aside from having to fork over some of their own hard earned dinero for the car insurance premium, what does the presence of a real job represent in terms of change to the socio-economic status enjoyed by our child? Again, perspective is reality, and hindsight is truly twenty-twenty. From the perspective of my children, the extra cash in their pocket, earned by the sweat of their brow
should only enhance their standard of living. Their rationale: as loving parents, we should willingly continue to subsidize the gasoline tank, entertainment expenses, meals [consumed with more frequency away from home], cell phones, wardrobe, and other pursuits. Therein rests the first conflict. As I attempt to place myself in my children’s moccasins, I realize that they really believe that this added loot should be a way to make life easier for them, and certainly has nothing to do with assisting either the family’s overall economics or the parental units’ standard of living. To even suggest such heresy is grounds enough to send them into fits of indignation and prompt them to quote the Declaration of Independence on the topics of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Amazingly enough, I actually had one of my offspring point out to me that in terms of lifestyle, that they would come out ahead by NOT working, and by simply relying on the largesse of Mom and Dad. Naturally I pointed out that this was not an option unless they were content with walking places, and doing an awful lot of socially unacceptable brown bagging at meal time! Not to be dissuaded, this articulate, enterprising, and argumentative budding entrepreneur had a great deal more to say on the subject. In discussions he even drew parallels to the number of welfare recipients who refuse to go back to work because it is far easier to sit at home and draw a reduced amount of income without having to endure the indignity of working. It was then pointed out to me that unless I wanted to foster such an entitlement mentality, then I needed to re-think my position. Where do they learn this stuff?
Naturally my strategy dictated that this conversation be steered towards the idea of developing life skills which in turn would encourage autonomy and fiscal responsibility. Imagine a world in which children learned about fiscal responsibility and grew into adulthood that was symbolized by financial independence from their parents. Compromises were reached, and my recollection is that like a truly successful negotiation session, we both walked away from the table just a little bit unhappy.
As noted, my premise is that our children will make more prudent and wiser decisions when they have skin in the game. First and foremost, they learn to distinguish between needs and wants. In this day and age of instant everything, wouldn’t it be nice if they actually had to experience something other than instant gratification? What if this lesson fostered the learning of other life lessons such as Ben Franklin’s pay yourself first,
or neither a lender nor a borrower be.
Would this have an impact on the number of college students who are graduating from college and promptly filing bankruptcy so as to free themselves of the credit card debt that they have unwisely saddled themselves with in an effort to live without working, or live beyond their means while students? Thus far, none of my litter has followed this self-destructive path.
Because my children know that I was sent off to work at age 14 (with a birth certificate doctored up by my father that said I was 16) so that I could become more or less self-sufficient, they generally know when to stop arguing and to dutifully nod their head and accept the tyrannical decisions of the [benevolent] despot that they call Dad. I was allowed to continue to live at home with the expectation of three hots and a cot, or three squares and an oblong, take your choice, as well as medical and dental care. I was however expected to pay my own way for everything else. Since this was common knowledge to my children, I did not have to repeatedly reference what they have termed the raw deal
that I received. What they don’t know is that while I do appreciate the fact that I don’t owe anybody anything, I do remember how unfair I thought it was that I had to sacrifice a lot of the normal fun activities in which I would otherwise have participated. Also, because of the skewed manner in which I was raised, I have had to tread softly in attempting to teach the principals of financial independence for fear of going too far in one direction or the other. We naturally contrast my raw
treatment with the sweet
deal that their mother received: free ride to a small private college, a new car, and a checking account that somehow replenished itself merely with a telephone call home.
This past summer, my youngest daughter decided not to come home from college following her freshman year, but rather to stay out West and to enjoy the