Redefined

By Allen Holmes and Jesse Barnett

RELIGION IS NOT THE ANSWER

What does it mean to be a Christian? For most people, what comes to mind is a list of rules. Don't do this. Don't do that. Try harder. Do better. Many people feel hopeless and have given up on this kind of

• Language: English
• Publisher: Definition Press
• Release date: Oct 4, 2021
• ISBN: 9781737762614

Book preview

Introduction

A Life Undefined

It was a night I can never forget, although looking back, twenty-four years later, I shouldn’t be surprised—no one can forget when the only world they’ve known comes crashing down around them.

It burns into your memory and shapes the rest of your life.

If you think of your life like the scenes in a movie, that one would have had all the elements of the climax in a drama.

After ten years of marriage, my dad was done.

He picked up his suitcase, turned, and walked out of the front door and out of our lives.

He never came back.

We lived in a small house in Wilmington, North Carolina. I was five years old, and my baby sister was just two. Mom and I were sitting side-by-side on our small second-hand couch; my sister played on the floor.

With two small kids to raise as a now single mother, my mom knew that her high school diploma wasn’t enough. So after a period of grieving, she went back to school. In between working at least two jobs at once, she squeezed in her classes, housework, and taking care of her kids.

With my dad out of the picture and Mom working so hard to provide for us, it left me with a lot of free time on my hands. This taught me a powerful lesson that embedded itself in my mind at a very early age—I was on my own, and if it was going to happen, it was up to me. This spirit of independence and self-sufficiency served me well for years but would eventually almost destroy my life.

When I reflect on my childhood, it seems good, and it seems normal. Kids are resilient, and this new normal was all I knew, so at first, I was happy. With that spirit of independence and self-sufficiency, I started working in fifth grade delivering the paper and cutting grass around the neighborhood.

My mom eventually remarried, but neither my biological father nor my stepfather was very involved in my life. My dad had moved to a town four hours away, so I did not see him often; my stepfather lived just down the hall but worked all the time. A college professor, he also headed up the literacy council and ran the local food bank. Ironically, while he was working hard to save the world, I was falling apart in his home. He did not have time and did not seem interested in me—my sports, academics, or church activities—and this created a lot of tension in our relationship. He had very high expectations for me but was completely unengaged with my life. He barked out plenty of orders but never expressed any love or approval. In fact, the only thing he would express to me was his disappointment.

Once again, I was on my own and not sure if I would ever measure up.

By the weeks leading up to my eighth-grade year, the situation at home had deteriorated almost beyond repair. My stepfather and I were always fighting; I was constantly in trouble at school, and my grades were awful. He and my mom were desperate. They were not sure what to do with me, but it was obvious the path I was on was not headed in a good direction. We met with the school guidance counselor and concluded that if I was not able to turn things around, they would be forced to send me to a boarding school.

The school year began, and as an eighth-grader, I was eligible to play football. One day, after getting into trouble in class (again), I had two brief but life-changing conversations. The first was with my vice-principal. He told me he thought I had real potential as a football player. In fact, he even thought I could play college football one day. However, he said that in order to do that I needed to do my best in the classroom.

Since we were on a first-name basis, this clearly wasn’t happening.

In what may have been a calculated one-two punch, my football coach also pulled me aside after practice. He told me he wanted me on the team but he was getting bad reports from my teachers. In that gruff way that only coaches have, he put his arm around my shoulders, gave me a hard squeeze, and said, "Son, if you want to remain on my team, you need to get your act together in the classroom."

For whatever reason, those two conversations were exactly what I needed to hear, and their words stuck. I decided to make some changes to the way I was handling myself. First, I started applying myself in school. From that day on, I never got in trouble again at school, and I never made less than a B in any class. (Until I got to seminary. Seminary was hard!) Second, I decided to start attending church. Church was great for me. I made new friends, was loved and encouraged by several families, really connected with my youth pastor, and began to discover my passion for ministry. Third, I started playing sports all year long. I played football, basketball, and baseball. This constant activity kept me out of trouble, provided lots of friends, and taught me valuable life lessons.

Through all this I discovered something about myself—if I worked hard, I could be successful in school, at church, and in sports. Finally, I was winning, and it felt great! For the next several years I appeared to have it all together. As I moved into high school, I was excelling at school, sports, and church. Everyone was amazed by my turnaround.

Life was good, and I loved all the attention my performance gained me.

I graduated and headed off to college at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington, where I realized God was calling me into vocational ministry. I was very involved serving in church, and ministry became my greatest passion. I finished my undergraduate degree at UNCW, married Tina, my college sweetheart, and was off to seminary.

I was living the dream!

Seminary was like heaven on earth. I was surrounded by men and women who loved Jesus. Every day I was being taught the Bible by some of the world’s greatest theologians and America’s best pastors. I was making new friends who wanted to change the world, and I was married to the woman of my dreams.

But suddenly, and unexpectedly, everything came crashing down.

In early April, with the spring semester winding down, I came home after class to find Tina lying in bed and crying. We were still newlyweds; we’d only been married for five months. Tina’s move to Wake Forest and her transition to married life had been more difficult for her than it was for me. She had grown up in a very close family and had left behind lifelong friends. I, on the other hand, grew up in a broken family and had moved eighteen times before getting married. Home was a moving target.

She was working a full-time job for the first time as an assistant manager in retail. I was in school full-time and working 25 hours a week at night and on the weekends, just like I did all through college. This life and schedule felt great to me but overwhelming to Tina. I would leave in the morning for class before she got up. She would then go to work all day and on her way home I would pass her as I made my way to work. We were in a new city, at a new church, and trying to make new friends.

We were both working very hard and did not have time to invest in our new marriage. We were away from both family and friends. Again, this seemed normal to me. It was how I grew up. Independent, self-reliant, and hard working. Give me a challenge, and I was all in for the climb. For Tina, this was all physically, emotionally, and relationally overwhelming. She was falling apart, and as a young husband, I didn’t see the signs. Even if I did, I really didn’t know how to help.

Finally, Tina reached her breaking point.

As we talked that afternoon, Tina said to me through her tears, I don’t love you. I don’t think I want to be married; I will never be in the ministry, and I am moving back home. At that moment, everything that was important to me began slipping through my hands. I was losing my marriage and my dream of being in ministry.

How could this happen? The answer to that question is what this book is all about!

That afternoon changed my life.

Tina didn’t leave, but because of her honesty that day, over the next few years, we learned many things about life and marriage. The most important lesson was this—I did not know how to cultivate or maintain a personal relationship with God, with Tina, or with anyone else.

The pressure we were under and the changes we experienced exposed the weakness in all my relationships. From the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but underneath, the foundation was rotted and weak.

Theologically, I was saved. Like a lot of Christians, I had trusted Jesus for forgiveness and salvation, but I had no idea how to talk to Him, listen to Him, follow Him, or allow Him to transform my life.

Legally, I was married, but I had no idea how to connect with my wife spiritually or emotionally. Previously, she’d had rich connections from family and friends; now we were alone, and the issues in our relationship came bubbling up to the surface.

I was working for God and Tina but did not understand how to allow God’s Spirit to work in me. That independence and self-reliance I’d spent years honing to a razor-sharp edge were destroying me. I wanted to earn God’s approval but did not understand approval was not something I could earn. God’s approval comes by faith in the redemptive work of Christ. I was living under the law but was desperate to learn how to live under grace.

I couldn’t see it yet, but everything I knew about faith was wrong.

And if I couldn’t redefine this foundation, I was in trouble.

A Blessed Life

In John 15, Jesus teaches the well-known parable of the vine and the branches. Using the metaphor of a vine, fruit, and a gardener, he explains to his disciples the key to life was for them to remain connected to the vine.

Of course, the vine represents the connection to God through His son Jesus.

Stay connected, and we will live fruitful lives.

Disconnect, and you are cast aside and worthless.

I did not know how to have that kind of relationship with Christ. I did not know how to have that kind of relationship with Tina. In fact, I did not understand relationships at all. All of my life I believed I was on my own and success was up to me. I was independent, self-sufficient, and driven—and I liked it that way. I was desperately trying to win the approval of my new wife, my friends, my professors, my parents, and ultimately God.

My relationships were all unintentionally conditional because I didn’t feel I could ever measure up. I was religious—which meant all work, no relationship. I was working hard; that’s something I knew how to do well. But it was work in my own strength; it was for God but independently of him, and it was exhausting.

For years, I had been a success wherever I’d put my effort. People admired me and wanted to be like me. I was good at everything. Even all my friends’ parents wanted them to be more like me.

Augustine said, Pray as though everything depends on God, but work as if everything depends on you. I had the second part down to a science, so I was proud of my performance, my discipline, my obedience, and my zeal. But it was almost all me, and no God.

Suddenly, through the tears of my heartbroken and overwhelmed wife, I could see that all my hard work wasn’t enough. Not even close. I was exposed. My marriage crisis humbled me, broke me, and brought me to a place of surrender and dependence.

But through it all, something amazing happened—it empowered me to love my wife. It was strange. When my family and friends thought I should be mad at Tina for saying she wanted to leave me, I discovered a love for her that surprised me. I did not understand what was happening. How could I feel so much love, mercy, and desire for someone who was rejecting me?

I was not trying to love her; I simply could not help it.

Something was happening inside me that I could not explain.

I knew that if I had any hope of becoming the husband, the pastor, and the man I wanted to be in this life, then I had to figure some things out before moving forward.

As we dropped out of seminary and moved back home to try to rebuild our marriage, I had this strange, inexplicable faith that God was doing something in that moment that would change everything. For the first time in my life, I was free from the burden of performance and managing everyone’s expectations. I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but I was getting a taste of the life we were all created for. In the midst of my crisis, which was the most painful moment of my life, I began to discover a new life, a blessed life.

A lot of people use that term loosely to mean a variety of things. Most of them have to do with more or better stuff. But in the midst of this storm, I discovered what blessed truly means. In Matthew 11:28 Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light.

This is the Christian life! It is a life of humble dependence. It is not working for Him but with Him. I read this verse with new eyes, and it changed me from the independent and self-reliant achiever I’d always been, to a wholly-dependent and helpless-without-God servant.

Here’s the lesson we don’t always want to learn: once we come to the end of ourselves and turn to Jesus in desperation, we discover new life. When we are yoked to Jesus, He does the heavy lifting, and we find rest. We can lay down the burdens of religion, self-sufficiency, independence, and performance, and trust in the work of Christ for us and in us.

We begin to focus on being rather than doing.

We begin to feel his love and acceptance.

We begin to appreciate the beauty of the Gospel.

We begin to experience joy.

We begin to fall in love with Jesus.

We begin to live from our heart, which is captivated by the grace and generosity of God. He begins producing His life in us. This is the Christian life. This is what Jesus came to accomplish. This is the blessed life!

Life Undefined

My story is basically the American story in a nutshell. We are religious, and we want to do good, but somewhere between our heads and our hearts, we have lost God. We pride ourselves on our independence. We are self-made. We are far more concerned about what we do than who we are. We have lots of acquaintances but very few friends. We know all about God but do not know how to develop our relationship into a friendship with Him. We want Jesus to get us to heaven, but we are unsure of how he can help us with our family, our work, or the heartbreaking issues in our world. We believe God has a big set of rules that we doubt we can never live up to, but we do not understand His love for us, His desire to commune with us, and His willingness to carry our burdens.

It’s a fuzzy faith with poorly-defined edges and uncertain application.

This is a problem, not only in our relationship with God, but also in our relationships with each other. Our relationships have been distilled down to simple transactions. What do you want from me, and what should I expect from you? This kind of thinking produces a relational tug-of-war with our spouse, our kids, our friends, our co-workers, and our neighbors. The problem with a relational tug-of-war is someone always finds themselves with blisters on their hands and covered in mud.

Why has this become such a problem?

Honestly, I am not sure I am the best person to answer that question. I am certainly not a sociologist, but after more than 20