Play It On My Radio: A Diary In Music

By Giselle Renarde

Join award-winning queer Canadian author Giselle Renarde for a year's worth of music and memories. As we listen to songs from a variety of genres, Giselle shares anecdotes about growing up in the 80s, being a teen of the 90s, and listening to the radio on those long and lonely nights in her first apartment. Accompany Giselle on a musical journey as she revisits the days of her youth through song.

From the introduction to Play It On My Radio:

My name is Giselle and I'm your new best friend. Well, maybe not "best friend." A best friend usually listens in addition to talking, but that's not me. What I will do is be here every day to share whichever song pops into my head.

Why? What's the point?

Well, here's the thing: I'm a writer. It's a pretty lonely job. Over the years, I've become increasingly socially isolated and you know what? It sucks. It sucks bad.

The truth of the matter is that a lot of us are socially isolated, these days. And not just older people—younger ones, too. There are "friendly visitor" programs for seniors, but those of us under 65 are kind of lost at sea. I speak from experience.

If you need a no-pressure visit every day, let me be your friendly visitor. I'll bring a song—whichever song pops into my head, gets stuck in my head, or seems relevant to something that day.

As a person with chronic depression, music has helped me more than anything. It's magic, I swear. I hope my little musical visits will give you something to look forward to every day, because they'll certainly do that for me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Giselle Renarde
• Release date: Aug 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005483005

Giselle Renarde

Giselle Renarde is a queer Canadian, avid volunteer, and contributor to more than 100 short story anthologies, including Best Women's Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Bondage Erotica, and Best Lesbian Romance. Ms Renarde has written dozens of juicy books, including Anonymous, Ondine, and Nanny State. Her book The Red Satin Collection won Best Transgender Romance in the 2012 Rainbow Awards. Giselle lives across from a park with two bilingual cats who sleep on her head.

Book preview

Play It On My Radio

ADiary In Music

By Giselle Renarde

Introduction

Welcome to Play In On My Radio: A Diary In Music .  The anecdotes you're about to read are drawn from a blog I created in 2019 called A Friendly Musical Visit Every Day .  In the first post on that site, I wrote:

My name is Giselle and I'm your new best friend. Well, maybe not best friend. A best friend usually listens in addition to talking, but that's not me. What I will do is be here every day to share with you whichever song pops into my head.

Why? What's the point?

Well, here's the thing: I'm a writer. It's a pretty lonely job. Over the years, I've become increasingly socially isolated and you know what? It sucks. It sucks bad.

The truth of the matter is that a lot of us are socially isolated, these days. And not just older people—younger ones, too. There are friendly visitor programs for seniors, but those of us under 65 are kind of lost at sea. I speak from experience.

If you need a no-pressure visit every day, let me be your friendly visitor. I'll bring a song—whichever song pops into my head, gets stuck in my head, or seems relevant to something that day.

As a person with chronic depression, music has helped me more than anything. It's magic, I swear. I hope my little musical visits will give you something to look forward to every day, because they'll certainly do that for me.

What kind of music can you expect?

I listen to a lot of indie rock and alternative these days, but I grew up listening to pop music from the 50s and 60s (the songs of my father's generation). I also love jazz standards, folk, classic rock, opera, commercial jingles from the 80s... my tastes are eclectic, to say the least. I will definitely surprise you.

I'm so looking forward to bringing you music, and I hope it's something you will look forward to and enjoy.

I wrote those words on May 26, 2019.

I should mention that when I posted these songs on my blog, I also embedded the track from Youtube. I can't do that in this book, so you'll probably want to have your internet handy as you read. That way you'll be able to pull up songs and videos along the say. Every post begins with A Song Title (Followed by the Artist's Name in Parentheses).

As I write these words in the summer of 2021, my music blog is still active. I post to it daily. There are many more anecdotes than the ones you will read here, and I invite you to take a look once you've exhausted these words at: https://friendlymusicvisitor.blogspot.com

Play It On My Radio (Niki & The Dove)

This song reminds me of two things: Cyndi Lauper and the day I moved into my first apartment.

I was in university when I moved out on my own. It was a big deal because I had a lot of familial responsibilities, including cooking and cleaning and caring for my siblings. But I was young and I wanted to have sex any time, day or night, and people didn't do that in their parents' houses back then (not if they had big families, certainly!), so the prospect of sex compelled me to seek out new accommodations.

My first apartment was tiny. Everyone says that, I know, and I remember my Russian landlord telling me, When I was in university, six of us shared a flat this big! We slept side by side on the floor!

Well, I didn't have to sleep on the floor, thankfully. The married man I was involved with drove me to Ikea, where I bought a futon mattress (which I still have, stuffed in the back of a closet) and base (which I'm still using as a bed frame).

Aside from that futon, what did I have? Only the two items I'd brought with me on the bus: a bag of clothes and toiletries, plus my Sony boombox (which I also still have, though the only component that still functions is... the radio).

Coming from a large family and being used to a bustling household, that first night alone was unsettling. I slept with the futon in its upright position because I was too afraid to lay it flat. I needed the comfort of having that wall of futon at my back, like a protector.

All I had for company was my radio, and thank god for radio. Twenty years ago, there were still radio hosts on air throughout the night. That's who kept me company during those first days in my lonely little apartment. I can't fully explain the sadness I've felt over the years, as all-night hosted programs have been dropped and replaced with a steady drone of uninterrupted music. It's like losing friend after friend to the darkness of night.

A voice in the darkness. That's what got me through. I miss it so much.

October 18, 2019

The Sweater (Meryn Cadell)

Every time I see a clothing tag that says 100% Acrylic, I think of this funny little spoken word song. Here in Toronto, it was played on the radio all the time. That was back in the early 90s. Nowadays, when I ask people if they remember it, they all give me a blank stare. It was so popular in 1992 and now it's forgotten.

But not for long, because today you're going to listen to it. And you'll tell a friend, and they'll tell a friend, and we'll revive The Sweater's popularity.

And if you need even more of a reason to spread the word, it turns out the star of the show is a trans guy! I learned that when I looked up the song on Wikipedia. Always a treat to shine the light on trans artists!

June 3, 2019

Undone—The Sweater Song (Weezer)

Yesterday we listened to Meryn Cadell's Sweater Song, which I love and adore. When I looked it up on Wikipedia, I discovered that Weezer's Sweater Song was written in response to Meryn Cadell's and, in L.A., the two were often played back to back.

So, here we are, listening to the Sweater Songs back to back. I actually love the image these lyrics create, and the idea that holding on too tight to that sweater ain't gonna make him come back to you—it's just going to leave you with the ruins of a sweater, of a relationship, of a memory...

Am I overthinking Weezer? Nope.

June 4, 2019

We'll Meet Again (Vera Lynn)

I've been sitting here listening to this song over and over again for... I don't know how long.

Today would have been my grandmother's birthday—it's the first to come around since her death last November. She was my favourite person in the world and, though she lived a long life and was ready for death, I miss her every day.

When my grandmother turned 80, we threw her a big party. Every year thereafter, my whole family got together to celebrate every one of her birthdays. I come from a large family, and it was a big deal to get everyone in the same place at the same time. But we did it for my grandma, because she was the hub. We gathered around her. Without her, my family is fractured and lost.

So today's song is for my grandmother, who fell for my grandpa during WWII—because he looked good in a uniform.

One of the many comforts I get from music, when dealing with loss, is that when I get to the end of a song... I can play it again.

June 7, 2019

Heaven (Talking Heads)

Acouple weeks ago I was on Twitter laughing about my partner making fun of my young people music. What was I listening to? The 1979 Talking Heads album Fear of Music, which includes this song—HEAVEN. I happen to prefer the live version over the album version because of the prominence of Tina Weymouth's gorgeous backing vocals.

Every time life gets overwhelming and there's too much going on and I'm sure I can't handle it, this song pops into my head. Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens. Is that what we're aspiring to? Or should we appreciate life on earth? All this endless stuff is happening because we're alive. We were born to learn and grow, and that doesn't happen without challenges.

Am I making sense? Sorry, I'll stop.

June 8, 2019

I Heard it Through the Grapevine (Marvin Gaye)

If you grew up in the 80s, chances are you associate this song with the California Raisins. I do. And I associate the California Raisins with a T-shirt I received as a birthday present from a girl at school.

For me, the 80s was a great time to be a queer kid. It's funny how, when you're a kid, you just KNOW stuff about yourself. Like, I could have told you at 8 years of age that binary gender didn't work for me, if I'd had the words to say so.

As you grow up, you kind of let the world talk you into behaving in a certain way, presenting in a certain way, and you talk yourself into doing those things, too.

Anyhow, there was a girl in my class whose parents were big-time against gender stereotyping. That played out mostly in them encouraging their daughter to do boy things like playing sports. They only bought her masc clothes, and when it was birthday party time, the gift her mom bought me was a pair of black corduroy trousers... and a California Raisins t-shirt.

I never wore either of those items of clothing, because they were about a million sizes too big for me and, to be honest, I didn't like them. I'd grown up wearing boy clothes because my only older cousin was a boy. I got hand-me-downs from him. I dressed pretty masc throughout my 20s and into my 30s, not so much because I liked masculine clothes (or... did I?) but because I felt like I had to compensate for this tiny fembot body I have. I didn't like people looking at me and seeing a woman.

The funny thing is that, now that I'm more secure in my nonbinary identity (haha secure... like I'll ever be secure about anything...) I find myself dressing more femme. Femme is fun. It's taken me a lot of years to realize gender identity isn't locked to a specific gender presentation. Or, it doesn't have to be. I can be NB and dress however the hell I want to, because it's my identity and it's my body.

So that's what I think about when I hear this Marvin Gaye tune. It's a lot.

June 10, 2019

La Isla Bonita (Madonna)

Acouple weeks back , I was at a seniors' latin dancing class (long story) and THIS SONG came on the stereo.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I hadn't heard it in... gosh, close to 30 years? As soon as it came on, so much 1980s Madonna love came flooding back to me. This song... I remember being at a sleepover and a feud broke out because we were doing a team lip synch contest and I wanted to SING this song. With my actual VOICE. That wasn't allowed, of course, because it was a lip synch contest, not a singing Madonna songs contest.

Things were said. Feelings were hurt. My team dumped me and I sang La Isla Bonita all by myself. We recovered. The night went on.

Madonna was everything back then. She was SEX. She wrote the book on it! I remember watching her videos on Much Music and just swooning. I've got to admit, I'm having much the same reaction watching this video now.

God. Damn.

June 11, 2019

In the Midnight Hour (Wilson Pickett)

My lifelong fear of zombies begins and ends with this song.

Okay, that's not entirely true. My lifelong fear of zombies begins and ends with the 1968 film Night of the Living Dead, which I saw at a sleepover party at the tender age of eight. Scarred me for life!

Back when zombie fiction was especially popular and there were all sorts of calls for submissions for short story anthologies, I just couldn't cross that line. I couldn't throw myself into zombie territory, not even for professional reasons.

Why is this song related to that movie, in my mind? I have no idea. And I'm not willing to revisit the film to find out, so perhaps it will forever remain a mystery.

Anyway, great song.

June 12, 2019

Pinky and the Brain Theme Song (Postmodern Jukebox Cover)

Whether you were a child in the 90s or an adult who just happened to enjoy a quality animated series, you probably loved Pinky and the Brain as much as I did.

Cartoons really spoke to me, when I was a kid. My household was plagued by domestic violence, and I swear there were times when cartoons saved me. I had Strawberry Shortcake bedsheets and a Smurfs blanket, and when the world was crashing down outside my door (literally—there was a lot of crashing in my house), I would burrow under the covers and pretend I was in Cartoon World with all my favourite characters.

I know that sounds like a bummer of a story, but take it as encouragement, especially if you're a creator like me. Sometimes, when the world is crashing down at our feet, writing erotica (or whatever it is you do—I don't know your life) just doesn't seem all that important. But I can GUARANTEE you the thing you're creating will alleviate someone's pain, somewhere, somehow. Never quit creating. What you do is meaningful, even if it doesn't seem so.

After those rather heavy words, let's enjoy this very sensual take on the Pinky and the Brain theme song, shall we?

June 13, 2019

What The Water Gave Me (Florence + the Machine)

What is it about redheads ? I've always had crushes on redheads: Jessica Rabbit, Gillian Anderson, Sweet, Amy Allan (Dead Files, anyone...?), and, of course, Florence Welch. In my experience, she attracts a lot of queers like me. A friend of a friend and her girlfriend max out their credit cards following Florence from concert to concert. Now that's a couple with a shared interest!

Sounds like a pretty good life, actually.

Florence + the Machine was here in Toronto just a couple weeks back and I didn't get a ticket. Because I'm an idiot. I've been kicking myself every day since. Why didn't I go? Because concerts cost money? Bah! What is money? What good is money if you don't let it flow?

We're going back to the album Ceremonials for this track, though I could play you a dozen songs and they'd all be my favourite. Maybe I will. We've got time.

But, for today, What The Water Gave Me.

June 16, 2019

Dumb (Nirvana)

Did you know that a 20th Anniversary Remaster of In Utero came out in 2013? Does that make you feel old at all? No? Good for you! Everything makes me feel old!

Except... some things make me feel happy. And then I think I'm dumb. Well, not dumb, because that's a word I've consciously excised from my vocabulary, but there's something about being a cynic and a pessimist and chronically depressed that somehow convinces you that only stupid people can be happy. I know, when I investigate that thought, it isn't true. I believe it's possible for anyone to be happy. And yet, any time I find myself feeling hopeful about the future, I then find myself wondering what I'm missing. I'm being naive. I'm being silly. The future can't possibly be as bright as it seems.

If there's light at the end of the tunnel, it's got to be a train.

Gosh, it would be great if happiness came to me with no strings attached.

June 18, 2019

I Gave My Love A Cherry (Josh White)

During the famous Monorail episode of The Simpsons, Homer serenades Marge, singing: I gave my love a chicken, it had no bones.

I naturally assumed this was a made-up song, because those lyrics are ridiculous.

Turns out I've been wrong all these years. The chicken line comes from a traditional tune called I Gave My Love A Cherry, also known as The Riddle Song. And you know what? The Riddle Song is lovely. The first time I heard it in its entirety, I cried! (Not that it takes much to get me crying these days, thank you very much perimenopause...)

Descended from a 15th-century English ballad, The Riddle Song was performed by Josh White in the 1949 western film The Walking Hills. Apparently it's been covered and recovered and made an appearance in Animal House—a film I've never seen. If I had, maybe I'd have clued in a little sooner that I Gave My Love A Cherry is a real song, and not one invented by The Simpsons.

I think you'll agree that this version is really quite beautiful. Enjoy!

June 19, 2019

I Put A Spell On You (Nina Simone)

Wow, I could listen to this one a thousand times over, couldn't you?

When I was a teenager, I was really into tarot, astrology, numerology, all that New Age stuff. You know how they say that as you get older you go back to the things you loved when you were young? I'm finding that to be true—very true. Suddenly everything that used to interest me (and then didn't interest me at all) is coming back full force.

I'm getting back into tarot in particular, and listening to a lot of podcasts on the topic. One mentioned calculating your birth card, which I'd never done. You add your date, month and year of birth, then keep adding those numbers together until you've distilled it down to a number under 10. Match that number up with the corresponding card in the Major Arcana and there you go, that's your birth card.

Mine turned out to be The Magician, a figure who can manifest his will here on earth. It was a message I needed to hear, because I was starting to feel like I had no control over my life. I was starting to feel like other people were making my choices for me, and I was somewhat at their mercy.

Realizing The Magician was my birth card turned my day right around. Instantly, I stopped feeling like other people were in charge of my life. I started feeling like I can make things happen, if I try. That's the key, though: you have to make the effort.

June 22, 2019

Bodyache (Purity Ring)

Oh, this song...

I've started checking out CDs from the library (actual physical CDs from the actual physical library) and was lucky enough to find two albums from Purity Ring at one location. I was familiar with Purity Ring from back when I used to listen to CBC Radio Two. Pretty sure they got a lot of airplay on a show called The Signal, which I miss every day of my life. It's no longer on the air.

This song, Bodyache, is the second track on an album called ANOTHER ETERNITY. It's so pleading and pained, and when I heard the line I cried until my body ached, I knew I would come back to this song when I needed it.

And I did, the next time I cried like that—a full-body sob, to the point where you feel like you're going to throw up and you think it's impossible for more tears to come out. And then they do and you're just like... how?

The funny (?) thing about midlife (at least, for me), is that your hormones take you back to your teenage years (at least, that's what mine are doing) and you experience emotion with an immediacy you never thought you would again.

Feeling like a teenager certainly has its moments... its very varied moments...

June 23, 2019

Put Your