Miss Vee and the Terrible Trailer Part

By Delilah Knight

Classy, sassy, and a bit smart-assy, transwoman Victoria Lilly is a lady to watch. From her kitten heels to her dirty martini, she's fun, sharp as a whip, and too curious for her own safety. Especially, when it comes to murder.

Miss Vee and her besties, married couple Jaqi and Luci Crow, decide to take a long weekend and test o

• Language: English
• Publisher: Corvid Moon Publishing
• Release date: Dec 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781988688244

Delilah Knight

Delilah Knight is the pen name of SFF writer Laurie Stewart.Laurie lives on a hobby farm with her partner and a colony of semi-feral cats. She sometimes gets fleas, but considers kitten cuddles to be worth it.Laurie has had 2 award nominated short stories.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Ihit delete and started again. I liked to think I was as tech-savvy as the next sixty-year-old lady, but social media was busting my butt. Their app’s upgraded utility uploader —say that three times fast—kept telling me I’d violated their terms of service, specifically the nudity one. I’d been trying to upload photos of my camper. Who the Mint-Truffle-Twist thought that was too sexy for my page?

Did their algorithms think the evil eye I’d painted over the hitch was a nipple?

After three attempts, I felt tempted to send my new computer through my living room window. Instead, I gave it one last try, carefully making certain of what boxes I checked and what I clicked on.

Five minutes later, I was in virtual jail. Three days of zero access, except to messages. Maybe I could write the admins and explain. Instead, I just emailed the photos to Jaqi and Lucia so they could post them.

I got up to boil water for a cup of tea. That would calm me down before I did something unfortunate. Like fly to LA and go on a murderous rampage. I had the money, and the thought presented a certain appeal. But I just made a tidy pot of Earl Grey and carried it back to my desk. By that time, Luci had posted the photos to her personal page.

Fudge-brownie-chip! I was learning not to swear by using ice-cream flavors. It wasn't nearly as satisfying.

I had inherited an old caravan wagon. A Roma vardo, I corrected myself. When my favorite aunt died two months ago, she’d left everything to me. Her house, her 60’s convertible, and a shocking amount of money. Plus the vardo, and so far I loved it best.

It was in a terrible state after nearly sixty years of neglect, but it sure cleaned up pretty.

A neighbor’s grandson worked construction, and I’d paid him to replace the rotted wood and modernize the interior. I then hired George and Adam from the shop upstreet to paint it. They had one of those car equipment shops and painted naked ladies on vans on weekends.

Of course, they didn’t paint them on the vardo. It had a crimson roof and door, and turquoise walls. They’d embellished it with Celtic knot-work and Roma symbols in metallic gold. It was gorgeous. I would need a bigger car to tow it, but that was okay. I had lots of money. Too much money, really. I was forming a Trust to share my fortune with LGBT groups who were doing good work and were trans-inclusive. Anyone getting my money had better be willing to include me.

Who knew that inheriting ten million dollars would be such a pain in the patoot? Well, it was only four million right now; my Aunt Bee’s estate lawyer and his secretary had stolen almost all of it before I’d caught them. I would get back whatever they hadn’t spent after the secretary’s trial. Then I would have to sue for the stuff she bought with Aunt Bee’s money.

The lawyer, bless his heart, was six feet under without even his wife to mourn him. Soon as she’d heard about his affairs, she’d stopped all pretence of grief. Now she was planning to sue me for his half of the stolen money, claiming it was his earnings.

Some people have no sense; she actually put that in the newspaper and gave my lawyer plenty of warning to fight her.

Since stewing on all of this was not relaxing, I decided to call Luci and try to talk her into going camping with me. It would be September soon enough, and by the end of the month, the weather would get too cold for me to sleep outside. Of course, I could put a little pot-bellied heater in the vardo and Tiffany-style lamps, and a faux-fur rug... Okay, it might resemble a fantasy bordello, but I couldn’t wait to decorate it. A sort of Victorian-Roma-Baroque-princess style.

I was still grinning when Luci answered the phone.

Hi Vee, how are you doing all alone? Do you need a visitor? Jaqi’s on a deadline again. Luci’s wife Jaqi was a well-known crime novelist. She usually took her inspiration from real murders and then twisted them up and added her own style. I wasn’t much for reading about murder victims, especially after finding a body last month, but Jaqi had won awards. So, I guess she was good at it. Writing, not murder.

Though they do say to write what you know...

That would be wonderful. I want to get the inside of the vardo done, so we can take off for a holiday by a lake or something.

A trip? I don’t know. Jaqi hasn’t caught up from taking time off when you were arrested.

I sighed. I’d been trying to forget that particular incident. I’d been arrested, deadnamed, and found my first corpse all in one week. Of course, I got my sweet, baby boy that week, too. A traumatized Chihuahua named Victor. He was still bald as an eagle but was much cuddlier with me after a few weeks. He now owned a dozen sweaters, from dignified argyle to fisherman’s knit, to knock-your-eyes-out orange for his evening walkies. I even had plans for our first Halloween together; I’d ordered him a little tuxedo and top hat, and one for me as well. Mine wasn’t from Dogs Run Wild, of course. I’d gone to a bridal and prom shop for it. Bless my lanky frame, it didn’t even need altering.

We were going as Victor/Victoria. My name is Victoria Rose Lilley, and I’m a trans woman.

And I’d missed everything Luci had been saying. Oops.

I’m so sorry, what did you say?

When?

When what? I shook my head. For being her third language, Lucia’s English was great, but she sometimes confused me. More than sometimes. Just now. I’m afraid I zoned out a bit.

I wasn’t talking to you; I was in Jaqi’s office to see if she would camp with us. Are you sure you are okay?

Oh,  she coming? When do you want to go? I could feel my heart speed up as I pictured my colorful wagon parked by a serene lake. We would be wearing big sun hats and sipping martinis like a trio of southern belles.

I must have been dreaming out loud because I could hear Luci giggle down the phone line.

Jaqi says she’ll come if it’s this weekend because it’s a holiday Monday and if she can bring her laptop to work all day. And no tents. She hates tents. She giggled again, It’s because of S-P-I-D-E-R-S.

I heard Jaqi shout in the background. I’m not four! I can spell.

Oh honey, that would be perfect. Canada Day at a lovely park, maybe fireworks and a band. I sighed happily. Could you come down to help me furnish the vardo? Jaqi can meet us there Thursday. I’ll rent a small RV for you and make reservations now.

So we agreed, and it was done. Five days to get my little camper ready.

IT TOOK ALMOST NO TIME at all to book the RV and two spots in a trailer park near the Nation River. It was only ninety minutes from Smiths Falls and sixty from Ottawa. Perfect for trying out the camping experience. We could just pop back to their Ottawa apartment if it was too hard. But the weather was supposed to be hot and sunny, so I was happier than a pig in... Well, in a mud-bath let’s say. I am a lady.

I put Victor’s dark green sweater on him and pushed my rollator to the door. There were two steps I’d have to go down, but Burt’s grandson was coming by this weekend to turn them into a ramp for me. Oh dear, I need to leave the keys with Burt.

Burt Brown lived in the small white house on the opposite side from my driveway. He’d been terribly sweet on Aunt Bee but never got up the nerve to tell her before she passed. I guess looking after me was a consolation to him, and I had to admit he was handy. His grandson was even handier. And better looking, if only he wasn’t in his twenties, and I was interested in having a man underfoot.

I made a note on my new cell phone to drop off the keys when we set out on Thursday and went out to look at what Smiths Falls had to offer.

I couldn’t wait to get started on the decorating. The vardo was finished with plain white walls and an oak laminate floor. There were a set of wooden shelves in the corner to the right of the door where I would put a two-burner propane stove, a kettle, and a few dishes. The shelves had these pretty, carved ledges to prevent anything from falling while traveling. Under the shelves was a cupboard where the food would go. There were hooks for pots and pans and mugs beside the shelves, and a built-in storage bench on the on the left wall. There was also a very small fold-out table held to the wall with a brass latch. This would be so cozy once everything was no longer white and sterile looking.

I wrote down on my list: stove, heater, dishes, saucepan, frying pan, pot, kettle, cutlery, blankets, pillows, and wall paint. I glanced toward the bed, er, bedframe. Mattress went onto the list along with camping food and water.

This would be so much fun and so exhausting.

After many more lists, including meal planning, I put Victor into his car harness and headed up Highway 43 with the radio