War/Peace - Part III: Coming Promotion

By Disciples of (f) Jesusea

An enthralling, intense, figurative ride through Tijuana and the southern United States as survivors of the 2012 nuclear war do their best to promote peace.

Featuring (without their permission) countless celebrities from Hailie Jade Mathers - a main character - to Sarah K. Silverman. After all, much of it is set in Hollywood. Gain fabricated insight into the feud between Ariana Grande and Selena Gomez, and that between Chris Brown and Drake.

Have you ever stayed in a share house in Los Angeles? Or been living rough in New Orleans post-Katrina? Read all about it.

Oh, and while on a ranch in Utah the characters just happen to create a new religion for the sake of peace, and witness the coming of a female Jesus - Jesusea.

This is her gospel.

But no one's listening.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tablo Publishing
• Release date: Jun 23, 2021
• ISBN: 9781649698117

Book preview

Part III: 2013

An alternate history of 2013.

This is a work of fiction and the author does not intend to offend anyone. Furthermore, please do not act on any advice offered by this book without first consulting a professional and conducting your own thorough research. Creative license is employed regularly. Just because the author cites scholarly articles and the like does NOT make this story scholarly itself. 

While the author lived and worked at Reid Ranch for a short time, the events detailed within this story did NOT occur. This is entirely fictional and opinions herein are NOT necessarily held by any workers or staff at the ranch. This book is NOT about Mormonism and is NOT endorsed by Mormons.

Also, many of the links provided are no longer accessible but are kept in the lists as evidence that I was indeed referring to sources back in 2013.

Tiyei

EXT. TIJUANA - OVERPASS - NEAR BORDER WITH UNITED STATES - DAY

(BRIAN, ANA MARIA, LI)

IT'S MIDDAY AND WE'RE WATCHING BRIAN AS HE CARVES A RABBIT INTO A WOODEN DISC.

HE'S SITTING ON THE OVERPASS RAMP JUST SOUTH OF THE BORDER.

HE'S CONCENTRATING ON PERFECTING THE PEN'S PENETRATION; DRAWING WITH SUCH SKILL AND FINESSE HE'S PRACTICALLY WRITING SCRIPTURE INTO THE SYMBOL.

THEN SHE APPROACHES THE BOY - ANA MARIA, HIS BOSS AND LOVER - AND KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HIM.

ANA MARIA

Brian, this is nice. Your skill with the pen is remarkable.

BRIAN SMILES.

ANA MARIA TOUCHES HIS CHEEK WITH THE BACK OF HER FINGERS.

BRIAN

I want to take special care with the rabbit symbol, and the motion one, and rain, and flower.

And maybe . . . maybe I'll draw a bee also. She was a goddess, you know. The girl I knew was a goddess and a honeybee. She deserves a place on the calendário Asteca.

ANA MARIA RUNS A HAND THROUGH SOME SHORT SPROUTS OF HAIR ON BRIAN'S HEAD.

ANA MARIA

You're getting better.

BRIAN LOOKS ANA MARIA IN THE EYES, BRUSHES HER CHEEK WITH THE BACK OF A SINGLE FINGER, THEN A LIP - SO SENSITIVE -, THEN KISSES ANA MARIA ON THE LIPS AND GETS LOST IN THE LOCK LIKE STONES IN A LOCKET OR CARVINGS OF BEAUTIFUL PRINCESSES IN STONE CALENDÁRIOS THE TEXTURE OF A MANNEQUIN OR A FEMALE BODY.

THEIR LIPS LOOSEN AND THEIR EYES LINK.

BRIAN

It's you. You're my cure to cancer. Ha ha.

WE SEE THE CARVING OF A RABBIT.

ANA MARIA

En un calendário Asteca estan vente gods, un por todos dias de la mes.

But these gods can take forms plenty.

She sounds like she was goddess on earth, your friend. You should definitely put her en la calendário.

BRIAN NODS.

BRIAN

Un calendário moderno.

ANA MARIA

Si.

THEY LOCK LIPS AGAIN. WHEN THEY RELEASE, A WOMAN DRESSED IN COLORS BRIGHT AS HER DISPOSITION IS FIGURATIVELY AT THEIR DOOR STEP.

SHE SMILES SWEETLY AND GIGGLES, THEN TAPS A BUTTON ON A PLASTIC ROBIN THAT REPEATS HER TWEET LIKE SHE'S FAMOUS.

LI

You sell these for me? Please.

BRIAN LOOKS AT ANA MARIA.

ANA MARIA

We can't . . .

THE WOMAN POUTS.

LI

I give you many birdies. Free. You sell?

BRIAN SMILES.

HE STANDS AND STARES AT THIS WOMAN.

LI

So you fly high.

SHE SMILES.

THIS WOMAN IS SLIGHTLY SIMPLE BUT SIGNIFICANTLY CUTE.

BRIAN

You know you can sell them yourself. You don't need us.

LI

You make sale. You sexy.

BRIAN CHUCKLES.

BRIAN

You are sexy.

SHE POUTS AND LOOKS AT THE GROUND.

BRIAN LIFTS HER HEAD BY THE CHIN WITH A FOREFINGER.

BRIAN

You sell with us?

LI SMILES.

LI

I am from China. My name es Li. I like meet you.

BRIAN BOWS.

BRIAN

Pleasure. I'm Brian.

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

ANA MARIA

Me illamo Maria.

THE WOMEN SHAKE HANDS.

LI

I thank you.

BRIAN

Welcome to America.

Well, Ameri-cum down under, as we call it.

What's left of America.

And it's nice.

LI POINTS AT THE CALENDÁRIO ASTECA IN THE MAKING.

LI

You know day? I am lost for days. Americans not like me and send me here. Now I think here safer. But still lost.

ANA MARIA

Esta . . . uh . . . something ecatl, cozacuauhtli, calli.

BRIAN

Meaning 'wind, vulture, house'. It's the first day of February in twenty thirteen.

LI

But I am vulture on wind come to your house?

I am sorry.

I sell on my own.

SHE BOWS HER HEAD.

ANA MARIA AND BRIAN LAUGH.

BRIAN

No. No. Calendário es only symbols; just pictures of gods instead of numbers but doesn't really mean anything except that time is precious. You are no vulture.

BRIAN POINTS AT THE BIRD.

BRIAN

Robin instead.

ANA MARIA SMILES.

ANA MARIA

Or perhaps finch.

BRIAN

Finch.

BRIAN NODS.

LI SMILES.

THEN FROWNS.

LI

But in China symbols mean a lot.

BRIAN

Li. You are beautiful finch. Not what label shows. You make meaning.

LI

Si?

BRIAN

Si.

ANA MARIA

Calendário es about variety mostly. Each day es novio y different.

BRIAN

We should carve finch onto calendário en place of vulture.

ANA MARIA

Y we carve un whole finch too.

LI

For me?

BRIAN AND ANA MARIA NOD.

ANA MARIA

Let's go to the store.

BRIAN

We'll pack up this stuff and go to where we keep everything.

LI

Wow. Gracias.

BRIAN HANDS EL CALENDÁRIO TO ANA MARIA AND PICKS UP THE RUG.

SOME MAGAZINE SHEETS RUN LIKE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS THROUGH THE NAKED MEXICAN AIR.

THEY SETTLE BY LI'S FEET.

SHE PICKS THEM UP.

LI

What this?

BRIAN

Um . . . basically our story. And how I came to be here. In America.

But adapted for an American audience.

HE TAKES THE PAGES FROM LI AND THEY STROLL TOWARD A TIJUANA PLAZA.

LI

Tell me.

BRIAN

It's complicated.

LI NODS.

BRIAN

I was living in the United States last year. You know, before the war.

LI BOWS HER HEAD.

BRIAN

First I lived in Salem, Oregon. Then southern Utah where I was taken care of by the most beautiful people. Some of them were famous. I lost touch with them after the war.

BRIAN TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND CONTINUES.

BRIAN

Fame is not always good.

HE HOLDS UP A PAGE WITH AN ARTICLE ENTITLED THE MASTER OF HIDE & SEEK [1.].

BRIAN

This man, Frank Ahearn, helps people keep a low profile. Because being famous can be dangerous. This man has helped me.

LI

You are famous?

BRIAN SMILES.

BRIAN

My grandfather was a member of one of the greatest bands ever known. But I don't ever see him. My mum was black and my dad white and didn't want anyone knowing about my existence. Very complicated. Anyway . . .

BRIAN HOLDS UP THE OTHER PAGE.

BRIAN

The very next story in the same magazine [2.]; it was basically a prophecy. It was written by a colleague of Frank's, though not many know this.

It's a story about me and Ana Maria but our names and location are falsified . . . um . . . changed, and the story is artificially dated.

And it was written last year. Before I got here.

So I was always meant to find my way here to Mexico.

ANA MARIA NODS.

ANA MARIA

And I was sent to look for him.

BRIAN

Now our lives match, synchronize with, the text. Synchronize with this all-American story.

ANA MARIA

Loosely though. I excavate calendário Asteca parts, not dinosaur bones, as you read in story article.

BRIAN

And I don't suffer from ME. It's something else. But these pages hold all my secrets in a way, and they're all over America. Probably littering the streets near newsagents that did not figuratively survive the nuclear war.

Except my name is still a secret.

LI

What is your name?

BRIAN

Brian Best. Brian Bizbuzz Best.

The middle name I was given recently.

My grandfather's name is Pete.

LI

Pete who?

ANA MARIA SMILES.

BRIAN LAUGHS.

******

- Is Anybody Out There? - K'Naan and Nelly Furtado (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nevOsRGqL2c)

- I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy, Faith Evans, and 112 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM0-ZU8njdo)

- I'm Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roPQ_M3yJTA)

- Love You Like A Love Song - Selena Gomez & The Scene (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgT_us6AsDg)

[1.] Ahearn, F. [Interviewed privacy expert], & Dowling, K. [Interviewer] (2013). The Master of Hide & Seek. Psychology Today. 46 (1), 28-29.

[2.] King, R. (2013). [It was training me how to live, perhaps how I should always have lived - more simply, more present. Its lesson, that we are part of something larger and do not control our lives, was a timeless one common to all spiritual traditions, a lesson in oneness, the essence of love.]. Love and Fatigue. Psychology Today. 46 (1), 30-32.

- Elwert, F. [Cited sociologist; quotations in quotations], & Hutson, M. [Article writer] [A man [as a widow] . . . can often no longer rely on a partner who may have cooked, cleaned, looked after him, and maintained his social calend[ário]. In a way he's losing his primary health care provider,. . .]. Sick With Sadness. 40-41.

******

INT. TIJUANA - TOWN CENTER - SOUVENIR STORE - DAY

(BRIAN, ANA MARIA)

WE START WITH AN AERIAL SHOT OF THE SCENE, SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE EPIC THAN THE VIDEOGRAPHY FOR 'PRINCESS OF AMERICA' BECAUSE NOW WE CAN AFFORD TO SPEND A LITTLE MORE ON DIRECTION BECAUSE 'PRINCESS OF AMERICA' WAS SUCH A SUCCESS IN THE STATES AND ABROAD. RIGHT?

PLUS, WE NEED TO SHOWCASE TIJUANA IN THE BEST MANNER POSSIBLE SO THAT THIS TINY TOWN NOT TOO FAR SOUTH OF HOLLYWOOD IS PLACED ON THE WORLD MAP ALREADY.

WE DON'T HEAR A COMMENTATOR'S VOICE SAYING EVERYTHING WRITTEN HERE IN CAPITALS BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY. AND SINCE WE DO NOT HEAR A COMMENTATOR'S VOICE SAYING ALL THIS, THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY PART OF THE STORY BUT MERELY ADVICE ON DIRECTION. THIS OF THE CAPITALIZED SCRIPT AS AN ANNOYING DIRECTOR'S VOICE, ORDERING THE READER AROUND DESPITE HAVING LITTLE TO NO AUTHORITY AND BEING A PESKY, SCRAWNY, TWENTY-SIX YEAR OLD GUY CALLED MATT WHO IS YET TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL AND SPENDS HIS DAYS ON THE BOULEVARD CHASING AFTER STARS . . . THAT ARE INANIMATE. OR - WAIT - THAT'S THE TOURISTS WHO DO THAT. MATT'S A LITTLE SMARTER . . . BUT ONLY JUST.

ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?

WE TOUR A TINY PART OF TIJUANA FROM THE AIR, THEN FINALLY LAND IN THE MANNER OF A FINCH . . . PROBABLY AN AMERICAN ROSEFINCH - OR CASSIN'S FINCH - WHICH HAS SOMEHOW FOUND IT'S WAY SOUTH AND ACROSS THE BORDER INTO MEXICO (THE FACT THAT AMERICA IS IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC STATE MAY HAVE INFLUENCED THIS MIGRATION). OR MAYBE IT'S A NATIVE TO MEXICO. I DON'T KNOW. IT DOESN'T MATTER. THE DIRECTOR CAN BE MEXICAN, AMERICAN, ETHIOPIAN. OF COURSE, WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY THE BIRD, BUT WE FLY LIKE ONE. OK, WHATEVER, MAYBE WE ARE ONE THEN. WHY NOT?

EVENTUALLY WE WALK SLOWLY INTO THE TIJUANA SOUVENIR STORE.

WE FOLLOW BRIAN CLOSELY INTO THE BACK.

BRIAN

Maria! Hurry. They're coming. Another wave.

ANA MARIA LOOKS UP, A BOTTLE OF PERFUME IN HAND.

ANA MARIA

What, now?

BRIAN

This second. Forget that.

ANA MARIA

But I need to smell nice . . .

BRIAN

Oh, c'mon. With artificial crap? You don't wear it when your wings are out.

C'mon, hurry.

ANA MARIA SHRUGS.

SHE TOSSES THE BOTTLE ASIDE AND RUSHES TO THE STORE FRONT.

(WE OBVIOUSLY DO TOO. IT WOULD BE PRETTY FUCKIN' STUPID TO JUST STAY IN THE STORE ROOM WHEN NO ONE'S THERE.

I SAID 'IT WOULD BE PRETTY FUCKIN' STUPID TO JUST STAY IN THE STORE ROOM WHEN NO ONE'S THERE!'

THANK YOU CAMERAMAN. I DON'T THINK IT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU MOVE YOUR ARSE ONCE IN A WHILE.)

ANA MARIA

My skin still has some black freckles on it Brian. It'll scare people.

BRIAN

Lady, I'm all black. You don't hear me complaining. Just don't let Li spot you 'til you're . . . not spotted.

BRIAN LAUGHS.

ANA MARIA

We have to tell her sooner or later.

Hey, I don't see any Americans coming. Why . . .?

BRIAN

I just don't want you to freshen up.

ANA MARIA

Brian!

SHE SMILES SHEEPISHLY, AND GIVES HIM A TAP ON THE SHOULDER.

BRIAN

Hands are soft. Careful or they'll turn back to feathers.

ANA MARIA

You're going yellow, bee.

BRIAN LOOKS AT HIS ARMS.

THEN SMILES.

BRIAN

Ha ha. Very funny. I got enough clothes on anyway.

BRIAN TOUCHES ANA MARIA'S ARM.

BRIAN

Wet [1.].

ANA MARIA

Brian, people are coming. So you're not. Let's get to work.

BRIAN SMILES.

BRIAN

Fine.

WE'RE PROBABLY JUST SITTING SOMEWHERE, TWIDDLING OUR SO-CALLED DIRECTOR'S THUMBS RIGHT NOW. WE DON'T BOTHER GETTING UP, DO WE?

DO WE?

APPARENTLY NO.

SO WE LOSE TRACK OF THE CHARACTERS.

******

- I'm Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roPQ_M3yJTA)

[1.] de Botton, A. (2013). 12 Rude Revelations About Sex. Psychology Today. 46 (1), 52-61.

******

INT. TIJUANA - CNR CALLE COAHUILA AND AV. REVOLUCIÓN - TIJUANA SOUVENIRS - DAY

(ANA MARIA, BRIAN, LI)

WE'RE INTRODUCED TO THE SCENE WITH A LULLABY; AN INSTRUMENTAL TO MICHAEL JACKSON'S BLACK OR WHITE [1.] PLAYS TO THE BEAT OF THE WINGS OF A CEILING FAN THAT DRAW SWIMMING BLACK FIGURES - SMOOTH AS MERMAIDS - ONTO THE WHITE CEILING JUST SHY OF THE FAN LIGHT.

BRIAN TAPS A MAP OF THE STATES ON WASHINGTON.

BRIAN

They'll be coming. It's been a month since America was destroyed so they've had enough time to migrate, even by foot. Washington might have the highest concentration of bachelorettes [2.]. So I wanna do more than sell souvenirs. And even build our community.

ANA MARIA

Whoa Brian. What are you saying?

BRIAN SIGNALS THE STREET.

BRIAN

Look around you Maria, honeybird. The most beautiful girls stand by the bars and brothels but where are the guys?

ANA MARIA

But Brian, you can't . . .

BRIAN

Why? Coz I'm black?

ANA MARIA

Coz you're fifteen.

BRIAN

My dick doesn't care. Fact is, many of the girls here don't get wet. So they aren't enjoying this. But I will. Just like selling and making souvenirs or finding artifacts; why shouldn't we enjoy what we do? Remember, we ain't doing this for the money.

LI

I am.

BRIAN LOOKS AT LI.

BRIAN

No you're not. I'm giving you ten grand. Right now. Do what you like.

LI

I like make birds that tweet.

BRIAN

Fine. That's settled.

ANA MARIA LAUGHS.

THEN SHE LOOKS OUTSIDE.

HER EXPRESSION TURNS GRIM.

ANA MARIA

But what about cops? They no let no black boy flirt with westerners.

BRIAN SHRUGS.

BRIAN

Fuck the cops. We got the money to change how this whole area operates. It's all about the money here. But we can change even that.

ANA MARIA

With money?

BRIAN

Yes.

But Zuckerberg needed money to make Facebook [8.], right? But that doesn't mean poor people gotta pay.

This ain't America where people gotta pay a thousand a night sometimes for company, like therapy, when it's really just a substitute for a loving relationship. Black Eyed Peas put it best [3.].

BRIAN POINTS TO THE ROOF WHERE A SPEAKER HANGS LIKE AN OLIVE BRANCH. WHERE IS THE LOVE? [3.] PLAYS.

BRIAN CHUCKLES.

BRIAN

Maybe it takes a black man to actually satisfy some of the women around here; westerners and locals. Coz a lot of these girls are just happy on the outside. They got no flow. Like a retarded rapper.

BRIAN

But hear this.

BRIAN RAPS.

BRIAN

They call me creative, I call you a sedative; putting me to bed wit' yo repetitive tweets/

Bitch, you can measure the heat of my rhymes, right as you reach for your thighs, call me 'inside-her' tonight/

I got the scoop on your wife, Kanye - now I think I'll touch her sky [4.]/ (Marc my words it gonna rain [7.])

I think the root of all rhymes is wanting to root a whore, right?/

I think the root of your thighs is totally suited to mine/

I think you've got right inside something that tastes fine as wine/

I find when I have time to deliberate I facilitate the bonding of girls and guys when they're responding to my rhymes in time with the beat that happens between your thighs/

I got time to write more but I'm beside black and white whores and I wanna read a paper 'til I know just how to take her/

Get it? Black and white text? All yous all be - like - illiterate? I'll iterate then, just grab a pad and a pen, she got the pad, you the pen, and I forgot what I was sayin' coz she's spraying again/

Spit slick rhymes

like I'm Fifty/

Not a pimp though:

I respect hos/

Got a dick though

so I need blow so . . .

flow so deep when a ho creams/

I don't mean my rap. What? You think I write odes in heat?/

Fuck beats. I don't even gotta cum. You can call it a cappella when I make her river run/

LI BEGINS TO SING. ALA FERGIE.

LI

Where is the love, the love, the love [3.]

ANA MARIA SMILES.

LI

I can sing and make birds?

BRIAN NODS.

BRIAN

If that's what you want to do then that's fine by us.

LI JUMPS ON THE SPOT.

LI

Thank you.

BRIAN

Maybe make two female finches . . . kissing.

ANA MARIA

Brian!

BRIAN

If you want to. Only if you want to. Is homosexuality legal here?

ANA MARIA

Yeah. Definitely [5.]. But does Li want to make that?

LI NODS.

LI

I think it beautiful idea.

BRIAN SMILES.

BRIAN

There you go.

ANA MARIA BLUSHES.

ANA MARIA

Would you like wood? . . . um . . .

BRIAN LAUGHS.

BRIAN

Or not?

LI SMILES.

LI

Wood is nice.

BRIAN REACHES INTO HIS PANTS.

ANA MARIA

Brian!

SHE SLAPS HIS SHOULDER.

ANA MARIA

Get some logs from out back. Good ones. Smooth. Put out front. Remove plastic cover. But when customers come put cover on.

BRIAN

Of course. Always cover on when they come.

BRIAN GIGGLES.

ANA MARIA

And use a condom when you fuck as well.

BOTH ANA MARIA AND BRIAN LAUGH.

LI WRIGGLES A FINGER.

ANA MARIA'S FINGER SOFTENS BUT SHE HIDES THIS FEATHER WITH A FINGER.

BRIAN REACHES INTO HIS PANTS AGAIN.

ANA MARIA

The wood's out back Brian!

HE SIGHS AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BACKYARD.

A LIGHT BREEZE BRINGS A FEATHER TIP OF ANA MARIA INTO LI'S FIELD OF VISION - AS WIDE AS HER INQUISITIVENESS.

LI

You have something on finger.

SHE TILTS HER HEAD TO ONE SIDE AND MOVES TO TOUCH ANA MARIA.

MARIA MOVES BACK.

ANA MARIA

Um . . .

ANOTHER FINGER TURNS INTO A FEATHER.

A KANYE WEST SONG BEGINS TO PLAY [6.].

LI

What is that?

ANA MARIA TAKES A DEEP BREATH. A SPOT FORMS ON HER JEANS BETWEEN HER THIGHS THAT GOES UNNOTICED BY LI.

BRIAN WALTZES BACK INTO THE ROOM.

BRIAN

We might need a clean up at register one.

ANA MARIA

Brian! Quiet!

LI RUNS A FINGER DOWN MARIA'S NAKED ARM; MARIA SMILES SWEETLY.

ANA MARIA

You think female finches kissing is beautiful?

LI

If each she maid in China . . . or Mexico.

BRIAN LAUGHS.

BRIAN

I love the English language. Almost as much as Spanish.

BRIAN DROPS SOME WOOD BY THE COUNTER THEN DROPS SOME RAP.

BRIAN

Just so horny right now, drawing Os on my phone/

Got a boner right now, wish it was a microphone/

She a singer when she on my thing I finger her a bit, I got a skit that I be writing, finger on her clit for ink/

ANA MARIA

What are you mumbling about?

BRIAN

Just wanna hear you come.

LI

Huh?

BRIAN

Waiting for new group to come. Come Maria.

ANA MARIA SIGHS.

******

[3.] Where Is The Love? - The Black Eyed Peas and Justin Timberlake (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYeekQkAdc) [Please note that lyrics in quotations are taken directly from the The Black Eyed Peas song].

[7.] Rain Over Me - Pitbull and Marc Anthony (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmM0653YvXU)

[4.] Touch The Sky - Kanye West (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwhkArCziq8)

[6.] Love Lockdown - Kanye West (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZwMX6T5Jhk)

[1.] Black Or White [Instrumental] - Michael Jackson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6AQuulaI5g)

[2.] Gambrell, D. (2013). Missed Connections. Psychology Today. 46 (1), 112.

[5.] Williams, R., & Gideonse, T. (2006, May 18). Tales from TJ: Gay Life below the Border. GLT: Gay and Lesbian Times (Online). Retrieved January 5, 2012 from http://www.gaylesbiantimes.com/?id=7364

[8.] Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/)

******

INT. TIJUANA - CNR CALLE COAHUILA AND ‘HOLLYWOOD’ - TIJUANA SOUVENIRS - DAY

(ANA MARIA, BRIAN, LI, KIPP, JOSEPHINE)

HE'S SITTING ON A STUMP OUTSIDE THE STORE, SOME NAKED WOOD, CHEWING ON NAKED - UNFLAVORED - SUNFLOWER SEEDS. I GUESS THE CAMERA ACTS ALL INQUISITIVE-LIKE AND SWAYS FROM SIDE TO SIDE TRYING TO DETERMINE JUST WHO THIS GUY IS, DRESSED SOMEWHAT LIKE A MONK. HE GLANCES INTO THE STORE PERIODICALLY.

BRIAN

Who is that guy?

LI

That's my daddy Kipp.

BRIAN DOES A DOUBLE TAKE ON THE DUDE.

BRIAN

That's your father! What the hell? And he doesn't come inside? You haven't even said anything? He's been sitting there for half an hour. Are we in a sit com or something?

LI

He needs invite.

BRIAN

Of course he's allowed in.

BRIAN BECKONS KIPP.

KIPP STANDS AND BOWS. HE WALKS INSIDE.

BRIAN

You are Li's father?

KIPP NODS.

BRIAN

I'm Brian.

HE OFFERS A HAND TO KIPP AND THEY SHAKE.

BRIAN

Your daughter is an excellent employee.

KIPP

Thank you. I thank you for taking my daughter in. You are very nice. She got kicked out of America. She want to return. But no visa.

BRIAN

Seriously? Return to America? That's where people are running from.

KIPP

You can marry my daughter so she get us citizenship?

BRIAN

Whoa! For real?

AWKWARD.

SO WE START SEARCHING FOR A DISTRACTION. (THE CAMERAMAN'S A BIT OF A PUSSY WHEN IT COMES TO AWKWARD MOMENTS. WE PROBABLY GOTTA GET A NEW ONE WITH BALLS).

ANYWAY, WE FIND THAT SOUGHT AFTER DISTRACTION IN THE WOMAN WALTZING INTO THE STORE WEARING A WIDE SMILE.

JOSEPHINE

What's your name?

SHE POINTS AT BRIAN.

BRIAN

Brian.

JOSEPHINE

Yess! Matt said you would be here.

JOSEPHINE

Yesss! Matt said you would be here.

JOSEPHINE CATCHES HER BREATH.

BRIAN

Matt? You know Matt?

ANA MARIA

Who's Matt?

BRIAN

He's a mate of mine from Utah. From before the war.

BRIAN SMILES AT JOSEPHINE.

BRIAN

How is he?

JOSEPHINE

He's fine. He was a workmate at Hollywood Souvenirs. Before the war. Now he's a radio announcer. He told me to look for the black kid in Tijuana working near Revolución. Didn't take me long.

BRIAN LAUGHS. HE LOOKS AT ANA MARIA.

BRIAN

See? Totally unique.

ANA MARIA GIGGLES.

BRIAN

Matt's on the radio?

JOSEPHINE

Yep. Just where he wants to be. Preaching peace like John Lennon. He's spitting some nice rap also. Poor guy's doing everything he can to promote peace in a war torn country.

BRIAN

When's he gonna visit us? You need to tell him we're here. Facebook [1.] has been down for weeks in the State and our cells don't work.

JOSEPHINE

You mean 'States'.

BRIAN

Nah. It's essentially one dull state now.

JOSEPHINE

Oh yeah. Well, I ain't walking all the way back. But he'll be here eventually. Plus some of his talk show is streamed live online. You should catch it here even.

BRIAN

Wow!

LI HANDS BRIAN A RING.

LI

Marry me and we'll go find Matt. Like a quest.

BRIAN CHUCKLES.

BRIAN

Ha. Wow. Again. No Li. I don't want to return to America. It's too dangerous. Everyone is armed.

HE TURNS TO JOSEPHINE.

BRIAN

What does Matt talk about?

JOSEPHINE

He's telling people to go to Tijuana.

BRIAN

What! But they'll bring firearms. They can just walk right in!

JOSEPHINE SHAKES HER HEAD.

JOSEPHINE

The border is being flipped. Security is now tight for entering Mexico and loose for exiting.

ANA MARIA

Whoa.

BRIAN

Mexico es la Nueva América.

JOSEPHINE

Si.

LI HOLDS BRIAN'S HAND AND STARES INTO HIS EYES.

BRIAN SHAKES HIS HEAD.

BRIAN

You may not need the marriage after all.

LI LOOKS AT THE RING LIKE IT'S HER BIRD.

BRIAN

But we can still marry.

SHE SMILES.

******

- Radio - The Corrs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG4rtRVCdfA)

[1.] Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/)

******

INT. TIJUANA - CNR CALLE COAHUILA AND AV. REVOLUCIÓN - TIJUANA SOUVENIRS - DAY

(MATT, BRIAN, KIPP, JOSEPHINE, ANA MARIA, LI, ADÉLAÏDE, AGRIPPINE)

BRIAN HITS A BUTTON ON THE LAPTOP'S BOOTY BEHIND - THE BOARD - AND WE HEAR MATT'S VOICE; MORE CRYSTAL THAN A SOUVENIR.

BRIAN

That's him! Holy crap, it's Matt!

JOSEPHINE SMILES.

MATT

. . . it's alive and well. Hollywood is not dead. I can tell you all that. They're calling the aftermath of the nuclear war Recession Second - probably because everyone still has money on they mind. Lord knows how. But I can tell you that Hollywood is alive and well and it needs you.

I was just in the line to be in the audience for The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson . . . ironically at three thirty in the afternoon - it's at CBS Fairfax and Beverly just so you know - and there was a healthy line of people there. Repeating, CBS has not shut down. In fact most of Hollywood is business as usual. Kind of spitting in the face of all you fundamental Christians out there who said that LA would be destroyed. It's one of the only surviving cities.

I can give you the latest information on the political situation. As you well know the White House was destroyed in the nuclear war. To the best of our knowledge Barack Hussein Obama is deceased. Either that or he has gone into hiding. I don't want to say 'like Hitler' so I won't. Even though I just did. Anyway, word on the street is that America - what's left of it - is being peacefully invaded by Canada. Yep. French speaking Canadians are heading south and taking posts on American soil. I for one welcome them. If anyone can make America a better place it's probably the French or those with the French mindset.

With me in the studio now is a local expert on French culture and author of What French Women Know [1.] Debra Ollivier.

Welcome Debra.

DEBRA

Merci, the pleasure is mine monsieur.

MATT

I am also joined by Adélaïde and Agrippine; two Canadians that have traveled south to LA this past month.

Welcome ladies.

AGRIPPINE

Merci.

ADÉLAÏDE

Merci.

MATT

For everyone listening that 'merci' came with an arm brush from each of these young ladies.

WE HEAR GIGGLING.

MATT

Debra, what's happening? Do you have any idea what we can expect? What is the future of America?

DEBRA

Matt, I believe we are becoming a peaceful nation. Ideally this could have happened before the war but it seems that those in power made some very thoughtless and, quite frankly, malicious decisions. Fortunately we're seeing a new wave of Americans - northern Americans - entering into the United States.

I would say to America; add French to your list of languages to learn because it will soon be about as useful as Spanish here in California. I would say, expect to see women - French, Canadian, American - who are a lot more liberated sexually [2.]. Even many fundamentalist Christians now concede that love trumps war and that free love is a glue that holds society together. Expect Babel boroughs to form wherein preside people from all walks of life and all countries [3.].

Expect living life to the fullest to become a more important priority for most than earning a living [4.]. Expect an increase in flirtation by both sexes [2.], people to have a more carefree and realistic approach to relationships and dating that is not quite as formal [5.], and a revival of the Renaissance man [6.].

Expect a French culture that's two thousand years old and centered around the pursuit of passion [7.] to surface in the new state of America.

MATT

Wow. Ok.

ADELAIDE

You turn off broadcast now and I show you what she mean.

MATT

Ha ha.

I can't really shut my listeners out.

AGRIPPINE

Then you make no noise. I make no noise. And Debra, she speaks.

DEBRA

Ohh kay. See, many French are privately promiscuous [8.] if that makes sense.

You can't go all Howard Stern with these chicks.

But with me . . . see, in France it is not so unusual for a Missus Robinson figure to make love to a younger man [9.].

IN THE STORE BRIAN SMILES AT ANA MARIA.

ANA MARIA

So can we expect these French-Canadians to head further south?

BRIAN SMILES.

BRIAN

Maybe.

From what I hear they are very sensitive [8.] but open [2.]. We would have to tone down the vibe in this precinct, know what I mean? To make it a nice place for them. But maybe Frenchifying Tijuana is a good idea.

ANA MARIA

But in the privacy of souvenir store . . .

BRIAN

Sophisticated sexual relations.

LI WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER.

LI

I like America. New America.

SHE HOLDS UP A WOODEN, AS-YET-FEATURELESS FINCH.

BRIAN SMILES.

BRIAN

It is forming. Nice work Li.

KIPP

Mexico and America will both become Canadian France?

BRIAN

Yep. Maybe.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

******

- Ma direction - Sexion D'Assaut (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7-vP7TnluY) [English translation available at http://www.languagebymusic.com/.../ma-direction-sexion-d...].

- Right Now - Rihanna and David Guetta (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FHdo7kxhW8)

[1.] Ollivier, D. (2009). What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

[2.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 2; p. 6-7; p. 13; p. 18; p. 19; p. 21; p. 41; p. 146-147; p. 147; p. 173; p. 249; p. 12; p. 60; p. 75; p. 104; p. 139]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 2 People always flocked to France for intel[-]lectural freedom, hot sex, high culture, and fabulous food - not necessarily in that order. And in the firmament of all this, no star shined brighter, it seemed, than the French woman.

- p. 6-7 . . . for every French woman who approaches the stereotype we know so well, there is one who veers dramatically in the other dimension . . .

- p. 13 [Janine Mossuz-Lavau on her book 'La Vie Sexuelle en France'] In France there is an art of love that is being cultivated that is at once serious and lighthearted, tender and demanding. A tranquil form of hedonism.

- p. 18 In France men and women actually like one another. A lot. There is no American-style war of the sexes going on.

- p. 19 . . . Women were not to sit in henlike clusters. Men were not to chum in packs. Spouses were denied the comfort of familiarity and were separated at opposite ends of the table. . . . to achieve the juiciest, most well-balanced gender [See book for footnote] diversity at her table, because . . . conversation (not to men[-]tion, life in general) is far more interesting when the sexes intermix - when intellectual friskiness, innocent flirtations, . . . and other forms of spontaneous combustion are encouraged.

- p. 21 . . . flirtation is alive and well in France, merci beaucoup. It is a civic duty. It is the French drug of choice. It is the lifeblood that beats at the core of French society.

- p. 41 They [French women] grow up with more cultural per[-]mission to claim their sexuality as a birthright and a source of power, which gives them a certain quiet splendor.

- p. 146-147 [by de Beauvoir] We [Sartre and I] were two of a kind and our relationship would endure as long as we did: but it could not make up entirely for the fleeting riches to be had from encounters with different people. I wish that every human life might be pure, transpar[-]ent freedom.

- p. 147 . . . this message of personal and sexual freedom was blown by the winds of social change in France and continues to infuse the air du temps.

- p. 173 . . . when it comes to the realm of the senses, the French have a way of accepting and even embracing the unruly luxuriance of nature . . .

- p. 249 . . . if French women [during World War II] introduced American men to carnal knowledge in ways they'd never experienced . . . it was in large measure because they, too, had their own emotional and existential hunger to feed.

- p. 12 We know that the French generally understand how to make love, not war, while we're still stuck with border skirmishes in an ongoing battle of the sexes.

- p. 60 In a culture where fewer staunchly defined notions of masculine/feminine segregate the sexes, people have got more room to be who they are within the context of their own gender, and everyone is bound to experience love and sex with more joy and freedom.

- p. 75 There is a willing[-]ness here . . . to contemplate or accept an experi[-]ence that doesn't necessarily go anywhere in particular - no closure, folks - but that is still an essential and necessary part of love, sex, and being human.

- p. 104 Sadly, if French women are aware of the brevity of time and the immediacy of pleasure, we Anglos are often too aware of the immediacy of the future and the brevity of pleasure . . .

- p. 139 [by research director Alain Giami] The difference between France and the States is that in France the extramarital partner lasts a long time, whereas in the States it's often a one-night stand. We've noticed that Americans have more of them [affairs], in shorter duration, than the French.

[3.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 5]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 5 . . . I lived in the northeastern fringe of the city's Right Bank, in the 19th arrondissement . . . that I call Peoples Paris for the sheer density of humanity packed into it from every corner of the world. . . . if France is the Eiffel Tower, it's also the Tower of Babel . . .

[4.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 8-9]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 8-9 . . . certain French archetypes do indeed prevail, because French culture itself prevails as an infinitely complex web of long-standing rituals and social biases that shapes it's citizens. . . . They . . . have a keen sense of aesthetics, seek pleasure whenever possible, reject much of the moral dogma that ties us Anglos in knots, and basically prefer having a life over making a living.

[5.] Ollivier, D. [Author], & Lévy, B.-H. [Philosopher cited in book] (2009). [p. 70]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 70 [by French philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy] This [Amer[-]ican] system of dating, relationships, evaluating, and getting married is too formal and excessively ritualized, resulting in a loss of mystery. It is an example of American Puritanism, this manner of separating things, of the excessive codification of love.

[6.] Ollivier, D. [Author], & Nadeau, J.-B. [Author cited in book] (2009). [p. 60]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 60 [by Jean-Benoît Nadeau] Americans used to go to France to entrench themselves in the values of the Renaissance man: poetry, speaking French, learning about art, and how to fence.

[7.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 9-10]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 9-10 . . . How can you compare our relatively young culture with its Puritan roots and its extreme attitudes about love and sex to a two thousand-year-old European culture with infinite layers of sexual and political intrigue and an enduring preoc[-]cupation with the pursuit of pleasure?

[8.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 79]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 79 When it comes to love and sex, most ordinary French women advocate the idea that when things are too explicit, they tend to cancel out whatever intrinsic value they might have had in the first place.

[9.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 73]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 73 "Romantic liaisons with younger men in France generally aren't characterized by the same moral ambivalence or age-defying, age-denying anxiety that goes on in the States.

******

EXT.  TIJUANA - CNR CALLE COAHUILA AND AV. REVOLUCIÓN - TIJUANA SOUVENIRS - DAY

(BRIAN, ANA MARIA, CLARYSSA, LI)

THE FIRST THING WE NOTICE IN THIS SHY MEXICAN SIDEWAY IS THE SLENDER FIGURE THAT BRIDGES THE GAP BETWEEN THE ROAD AND THE STORE WITH HER SHADOW: A STRETCHED SILHOUETTE THAT TICKLES THE IMPENDING DUSK WITH SHARP, ACCENTUATED BEAUTY.

THE SECOND THING WE NOTICE IS THE AVOCADO [1.] IN HER HAND - WHOLE LIKE AN APPLE AND SEEMINGLY CAUGHT IN TWILIGHT, LOL - THAT SHE CONSUMES WITH SUCH GRACE, BUT SENSUAL, NAKED ABANDONMENT. A STRIPE OF THIS RIPE, GREEN CHEESE LICKS A CHEEK OF HERS [4.] LIKE COSMETICS . . . OR COLOGNE, DEPENDING ON ONE'S PROXIMITY. HER HAIR'S ARRANGEMENT [4.] REFLECTS HER TRAVELS AND - DESPITE THESE RANDOM LEADS THAT RUN LIKE FREE SPIRITS EVERY WHICH WAY, EMBRACING LIFE - IS AIRBORNE CALLIGRAPHY.

IT'S WHEN SHE WINKS AT BRIAN WITH SUCH CARELESS ABANDONMENT, HOLDS HIS GAZE [2.] LIKE A PORTRAIT AS SHE PASSES BY, WITHOUT REALLY PASSING, AND HER NATURAL AIR THAT REVEALS HER NATIONALITY AS A NATURALIST AS ONLY SOMETHING LIKE NAKEDNESS CAN.

THAT BRIAN SPEAKS.

BRIAN

French!

ANA MARIA

Brian, you can't know.

BRIAN

Oh, I can tell if a girl's a lesbian, or if she's French.

BRIAN POINTS INTO THE AIR, GRACEFULLY SO AS NOT TO DISTURB THE MOMENTUM OF THIS WOMAN'S WALK.

BRIAN

She's French.

ANA MARIA

I didn't know black guys could go red.

BRIAN SMILES. (HE'S BLUSHING. DUH. DO I HAVE TO COLOR THE NAKED SCENE ANYMORE OR DO YOU GET THE PICTURE?)

BRIAN

She's so Madame de Staël [3.].

BRIAN WALKS OVER TO HER.

BRIAN

You've migrated, right? From Canada?

CLARYSSA SMILES.

CLARYSSA

Quebec.

BRIAN OFFERS A HAND.

SHE ACCEPTS.

BRIAN

You're the first to reach Mexico. Welcome.

CLARYSSA

Thank you. I am tourist . . . who became refugee. I was closer to Mexico than Canada at the end of twenty twelve.

BRIAN

I'm a refugee too [6.]. I'm from Utah.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what's happened to most of my mates. I don't know what's happening to America right now.

BRIAN TURNS AROUND.

BRIAN

Maria, give me the hour off [5.], I need to show . . . um . . .

HE TURNS TO CLARYSSA.

BRIAN

Comment tu t'appelles?

CLARYSSA

Je m'appelle Claryssa.

BRIAN SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF.

BRIAN

I heard about this happening.

CLARYSSA

What?

BRIAN

Um . . . maybe it's a type of spiritual reincarnation. I don't know. But one of my friends - more than a friend actually - from Utah was . . . her name was Clarissa.

CLARYSSA

Then I am your friend monsieur.

SHE OFFERS HER HAND.

THIS TIME BRIAN ACCEPTS.

HE LOOKS BACK AT ANA MARIA.

BRIAN

Might need several hours . . . maybe a day or two [5.] . . . or several [5.] . . . just hold my spot here, yeah?

ANA MARIA SMILES.

ANA MARIA

Of course Brian. You know how we work. However works.

LI

I don't want to take time off.

ANA MARIA

You don't have to Li.

CLARYSSA TOUCHES BRIAN'S WRIST WITH HER LOOSE HAND.

SHE GAZES INTO HIS EYES AND - AS THOUGH THEIR PUPILS ARE SUBATOMIC PARTICLES ENGAGED IN QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT - HE INTO HERS.

SIMPLICITY FOR PHYSICISTS.

ARE WE PHYSICISTS? NO? THEN LET'S ILLUSTRATE THIS THROUGH IMAGERY, YEAH? PERHAPS ANIMATION. BUT THE POINT IS THAT THE VIEWER IS SO ABSORBED IN THE SCENE RIGHT NOW THAT HE REALLY ISN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING BUT THE FACE OF THIS POST-MODERN PRINCESS; PERHAPS JUST THE AVERAGE FRENCH WOMAN.

CLARYSSA WHISPERS.

CLARYSSA

I'm looking for . . . a person who knows how to make birds tweet.

BRIAN NODS.

BRIAN

I . . .

HE SIGNALS ANA MARIA WITH HIS HEAD.

BRIAN

I know a finch.

CLARYSSA SMILES.

CLARYSSA

Wow.

I come from French area of Canada, not too far from Montréal, in Quebec. We . . . we are different, genetically. I heard about group in Utah that very similar to us . . . that have wings . . .

SHE LOOKS AROUND.

CLARYSSA

Can we go somewhere . . . away?

BRIAN NODS.

BRIAN

You're a finch [4.]?

CLARYSSA NODS.

SHE STUDIES BRIAN'S FACE, THEN HIS EYES, THEN HIS SHINY SKIN.

HIS FINGERS TURN SOFT.

CLARYSSA

And you're a honeybee?

BRIAN WINKS.

THEY ROUND A CORNER, SOFT HAND IN SOFT HAND, AND THEN CLARYSSA PULLS BRIAN INTO THE NEXT ABODE.

SHE TOUCHES HIS ARM.

THEN PLAYFULLY SHOVES HIM.

HE LET'S GO OF HER.

CLARYSSA

Watch me.

SHE PRESSES A SOFT FINGER AGAINST BRIAN'S LIPS, THEN SPINS ON THE SPOT.

SHE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND STRIKES A COBRA [7.] YOGA POSE - BHUJANGASANA - SO THAT HER PUBIS AND THIGHS HUG THE FLOOR WHILE HER ARMS - FIRM AS THEY STILL ARE - FORM PILLARS THAT SUPPORT HER UPPER BODY, STRETCHED HIGH INTO THE SKY.

THEN SHE SUDDENLY LIFTS HER HANDS OFF THE GROUND SO THAT HER BODY ASSUMES THE LOCUST [7.] YOGA POSE, FAST, SO THAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A BANANA. BUT JUST BEFORE THE MOMENTUM OF THE CHANGE ROCKETS HER HEAD INTO THE GROUND, HER WINGS FORM AND SHE LIFTS HERSELF INTO THE AIR WITH THE POWER OF HER WINGS ALONE.

BRIAN STUMBLES BACK.

HE BLINKS SEVERAL TIMES.

CLARYSSA, NOW FLYING, SPEAKS.

CLARYSSA

Never seen the transformation happen so fast, have you?

BRIAN IS MESMERIZED.

SO ARE WE.

WE/HE JUST STARE.

******

- Body Work - Morgan Page and Tegan and Sarah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHe1PvKALaY)

- Cinema - Scrillex and Gary Go (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AyJyoiH5-k)

[3.] Ollivier, D. [Author], & Héloïse [Philosopher cited in book] (2009). [p. 161; p. 110; p. 119; p. 131; p. 132-133; p. 90 [All]]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 161 [Madame] de Staël was a true radical who, despite her aristocratic pedigree, championed women's rights, religious tolerance, intellectual freedom, emancipation, and democracy at a time when the monarchy basically sucked.

- p. 110 Reaching out to new voters, campaigners for conservative presidential candidate Sarkozy (yes, that's conservative) took to the beaches during his elec[-]tion campaign and handed out condoms with the party's logo on them.

- p. 119 [by Héloïse] If Augustus, emperor of the whole world, saw fit to honor me with marriage and conferred all the earth on me to possess forever, it would be dearer and more honorable to me to be called, not his empress, but your whore.

- p. 131 And because she [the French woman] doesn't live with the enduring belief in Happily Ever After, the French woman also doesn't live under the shadow of its biggest mascot: the princess.

- p. 132-133 French girls grow up with their princesses, too, of course, but somewhere along the line they end up not wanting to be them. Let's recall that the French have had their share of real princesses and evil queens. They also had a revolution, the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie no longer seemed so charming, and Marie Antoinette's head ended up in a basket. Not only do they tend to scorn icons of princessly perfection; they were done with the fairy tale of the princess itself long ago.

[4.] Ollivier, D. [Author], Christophe [Person cited in book] (2009). [p. 175; p. 189]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 175 . . . for many French women, letting your hair down has more sexy currency than projecting an image of calculated perfection.

- p. 189 [by Christophe] For the French, there's a more humble acceptance of the instinctual part of our nature, the animal side. The French go more with their instincts. If someone is fat or thin, rich or poor . . . what matters is how you feel about someone on a very instinctual level.

[5.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 208-209]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 208-209 The holy trinity of essentials - a simple bottle of wine, bread, and good company - is all that's needed for a deeply satisfy[-]ing moment, and the French have an almost promiscu[-]ous capacity to create those moments. Leisure is practically a national preoccupation . . . Taking time to step off the treadmill [off work] is as important, if not more so, as being on it. . . . The French are professional sensualists . . .

[6.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 217]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 217 Where sex is morally dirty to many Americans, money is morally dirty to many French people. . . . Money is not inherently sexy to them. It is not a tool of seduction. The more you flaunt it, the less appealing you are.

[1.] Bastidas, G., & Miguel, C. S. (2013). [Rethink Tonight's Menu: Avocados, with their sensuous pear shape and succulent texture, have a reputation as an aphrodisiac that dates back to the Aztecs. They believed the fruit enhanced fertility and increased desirability. So pass the guacamole when you're feeling frisky! Other foods to get you in the mood: mangoes, chocolate, cinnamon, vanilla.]. 50 ways to add sazón to your sex life. Latina. February 2013, 86-91.

[7.] Rodriguez, L. V. [Cited yogi], Bastidas, G. [Article writer], & Miguel, C. S. [Article writer] (2013). [Say Ommmmmmm: Sure, yoga eases stress, but did you know it can also lead to great sex? Yoga instructor Laura Venecia Rodriguez recommends doing the following four postures in order: Cobra, Box, Half-Locust and Locust. Each contours the body so that blood flows directly to the sexual organs, says the Mexican American yogi. You'll feel a spike in your libido instantly."]. 50 ways to add sazón to your sex life. Latina. February 2013, 86-91.

[2.] Garcia, D. [Colombian soap star cited], Bastidas, G. [Article writer], & Miguel, C. S. [Article writer] (2013). [Shhhh!: With more than 30 telenovelas under her belt, Colombian soap star Danna Garcia knows how to set the scene for seduction: It's all about intense looks and silences. A lot of jabbering isn't romantic, she says.]. 50 ways to add sazón to your sex life. Latina. February 2013, 86-91.

******

EXT. TIJUANA - AV. REVOLUCIÓN - NIGHT

(BRIAN, CLARYSSA)

SHE RISES LIKE A BUTTERFLY, FLOATS FOR A BIT, THEN SETTLES AGAINST A WALL, HER PELVIS PULSATING.

SHE SMILES MISCHIEVOUSLY.

HE CATCHES HER GAZE, AND SHE THEREFORE SWINGS HIS HEAD AS SHE FLOATS TO THE LEFT THEN RIGHT; SHE A SWINGER WITH WINGS, SINGING WITH SUCH POWER, LIKE THE WINGS WHIPPING THE AIR, IT MAKES HER SO HIGH.

SHE TOUCHES THE GROUND WITH FEET, AND HER WINGS THIN TO ARMS, AS SHE REVEALS HERSELF TO THE PEOPLE STREAMING THROUGH THE STREETS AT NIGHT, WALKING INTO THE NAKED NIGHT SPACE; ONE PULSATING LIKE BREASTS, SURROUNDED BY NIGHT CLUBS OF TIJUANA, SUCH VERY SENSITIVE SPOTS.

BUT BEING SENSITIVE, WHEN THESE SPOTS ARE PRESSED WITH THE PRESENCE OF SKIN - PEOPLE OR MERELY FINGERS ON THE SCENE - THEY ERUPT WITH MAYBE LOVE LIQUID, OR MAYBE DISINTEREST.

SHE - CLARYSSA - FIGURATIVELY TIES HER GAZE AROUND BRIAN AND PULLS HIM ALONG LIKE IT'S A LASSO, AND HE'S CAUGHT IN HER WEB; A WEB MADE OF SILKY STREAMERS THAT REFLECT THE SOFTNESS OF THE FEMALE BODY.

CLARYSSA

You feel chill in your spine? Anticipating love. That how we need to feel. Solace. Serenity.

BRIAN WHISPERS, NOT WANTING TO BREAK THE SILENCE LEST THE STREAMERS OF SENSUALITY LOOSEN.

BRIAN

Wi.

CLARYSSA

I am meeting some people . . . some people from my home land . . . my crew.

SHE TOUCHES HER PALMS TO BRIAN'S.

BRIAN

Birds?

CLARYSSA NODS.

CLARYSSA

Bee mine.

BRIAN SMILES.

HE RUNS SOFT NAILS - SOFT AS BEE WINGS - ALONG HER CHEEK.

AND DOWN AN ARM.

SHE GIGGLES.

CLARYSSA

Follow me. A house on the hill, upper Tijuana. We travel up Negrete.

WE MAKE CIRCLES AROUND THE DUO, BUZZING LIKE A BEE, AND WHIP UP A COLORFUL, MUSICAL TORNADO THAT FRAMES THE TWO AS THEY SLOW DANCE WITH THEIR GAZES, BUT WALK BRISKLY DOWN THE AVENIDA.

YELLOW STREAKS DANCE ACROSS BRIAN'S SKIN, AND DARK GREY TABLETS - MORE MESMERIZING THAN FLAT COMPUTERS WITH INTERNET CONNECTIVITY - PRANCE ACROSS CLARYSSA'S.

CLARYSSA

We gotta go, before . . . before I bust.

BRIAN TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

CLARYSSA GIGGLES.

HER MOUTH IS OPEN - A GAP - AND EVERY PART OF THEIR BODY AND THE PATH THEY'RE RIDING IS MAGNETIC NOW. SO THAT STEPS NATURALLY DRIP ONTO THE GROUND, LIPS NATURALLY LINK - ONLY INTERRUPTED BY CLARYSSA'S WHISPERED, SUNG LYRICS TO NORAH JONES' COME AWAY WITH ME [1.]. SO GAPS ARE CLOSED, THEN OPENED, OPENED AND THEN CLOSED, AS THEY TRACK EVER FURTHER INTO THE NAKED NIGHT. FRENCH CLOSURE [2.].

CLOSURE, SHE'S GOING TO COME.

WE SWIM OUT OF THE SCENE, AND SEE THE TIJUANA SCENE FROM ABOVE LIKE IT'S A TEQUILA SHOT . . . WITH A LUCQUES OLIVE COUPLE.

******

- I'm Yours - Jason Mraz, Jah Cure, and Lil' Wayne (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39mnAwC_8as)

- Without You - David Guetta and Usher (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUe8uoKdHao)

- Come Away With Me - Norah Jones (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtm9jfUqHXY)

- Turn Me On - Norah Jones (http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=fvwp&v=uuTzxvid5VU)

[2.] Ollivier, D. (2009). [p. 75]. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and other Matters of the Heart and Mind. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York, United States: The Berkley Publishing Group, Penguin Group.

- p. 75 There is a willing[-]ness here . . . to contemplate or accept an experi[-]ence that doesn't necessarily go anywhere in particular - no closure, folks - but that is still an essential and necessary part of love, sex, and being human.

******

INT. TIJUANA - CNR CALLE COAHUILA AND AV. REVOLUCIÓN - TIJUANA SOUVENIRS - NIGHT

(ANA MARIA, LI, MATT)

WE ZOOM IN ON THE RADIO.

INSTEAD WE SEE ANA MARIA'S BREASTS.

I SAID 'WE ZOOM IN TO THE RADIO!' HOW DOES THAT SOUND ANYTHING LIKE 'BREASTS'? STUPID DIRECTOR.

OK LISTEN; WE ZOOM INTO THE RADIO THAT'S PLAYING AN FM STATION AND BEATS FROM THE WEST. NOW WE SEE A FEMALE FACE AND BREASTS BECAUSE THE DIRECTOR'S QUITE OBVIOUSLY RETARDED.

ANA MARIA

Is Matt on radio?

LI

I made another birdie.

ANA MARIA

That's nice Li.

WE SEE THE BIRD.

IT 'IS' NICE.

THEN WE FINALLY SEE THE RADIO AS ANA MARIA TURNS THE TUNER KNOB.

MATT COMES UP . . . I MEAN 'ON'.

MATT

I love to read out on air the letters I get that are like short stories. This is a nice one from a guy called Liam. Snail mail coz no wings are allowed in the States anymore. So I'm as pissed as Paul McCartney.

MATT PLAYS A SOUNDBITE; 'YOU'RE JOKE FUCKIN' SUX,' SAYS A DEEP-VOICED SLOVAK.

MATT

Thank you Sergei. I love automated heckling. And I'm deliberately not playing a laughter track now.

So, anyway, Liam writes;

'Hi Matt. Great show dude. I was wondering if you could give me some advice. Here's the scenario; I live in a shared house, the type one might read about in fables about Honeybee Hives; a communal homestead.

So I'm minding my own business the other day - so not the random day you're thinking of but one of the other ones - when a female walks into the house. Bare in mind that several females do in fact preside in the house so this was not something which would cause the ordinary citizen of the house to rise out of his seat and question the member of the opposite sex like he's Sheldon. So I decided against this cause of action.

But then she sat down next to me.

She began talking to me, first in English, then Russian. She's Russian and a Russian mate of mine living in the house had invited her back to the place. I believe her name is Russian or something that sounds decidedly Russian like Russie or Russiana. Needless to say, I don't actually know her name.

Anyway, she starts flirting with me like she's French and now - as you can deduce from my prose - I am decidedly living in the present.

She's sitting next to me, all Regina Spektor-like and singing some Alex Clare [1.] in this beautiful voice, and forgetting half the lyrics but that's beside the point. Just like everything beside us. A few guys other than me are sitting at the table; the Russian guy and this racist prick. While I'm off the point, how do I respond to remarks made about a white woman who is dating a black guy lowering her standards? I think the implication here is that black guys are inferior to white guys. But the guy's not totally racist coz he still talks with the black folk. Plus this guy was trying to cock block me. And talking shit about effeminate males. And he was just so fuckin' cocky; saying that he'll use people to get to the top then drop 'em coz he's in it for himself.

But the face of this girl is all I'm paying attention to because she is so fuckin' adorable. Like a honeybee even. Um . . . I was just staring at her for hours as she sung jumbled words and spoke a foreign language, most likely Russian. Point is, I didn't want to make a move but my point did but I didn't because she's my best friend's mate and I'm just wondering how honeybee etiquette suggests I respond? Peace bro.'

Hmmmmm.

Well, Liam, sounds like you're joint is a twenty thirteen Big Brother house. There's a lot going on. You just gotta stay chilled I'd say, and eventually the girls will come to you. It's just fate. This girl sounds like a honeybee. Just stare into her eyes if you see her again. And just keep staring . . . and paint her or something . . . or write about her. Then leave the fucking up to her. Don't push it. But it seems she may want to push it. Either she's a free spirit, excellent, or she could be after American sperm. Nothing wrong with that except that you'll be left with children you'll have to help raise. So protection is essential. Given no one actually needs a visa to enter the States anymore, holding States' sperm possibly isn't as prestigious as it once was so maybe this girl is totes a free bee the way she buzzes.

But the guy who said that thing about the white girl and the black guy, that was covert racism and if everyone felt like that then honeybees would be extinct. So fuck that guy. Are these people listening right now? I wonder.

You know, I can spit some rap for you.

I just need a beat . . . um . . .

HE PLAYS A BEAT, SOMETHING GENERIC.

MATT

Never gonna ever let the fame get to my head, I'm not/

Only cocky when I diss a cock who wanna cock block me/

Got a lot I wanna see, monotony ain't what I need so please if you don't push for change then get the fuck up out my scene/

I gots the radio, I push for change now watch the ratings grow just like your damn erection when you see a dude's dick, homophobe [2.]/

You wanna push for black and white, that's prob'ly why you actin' since the days when TV be black and white and never got exposure, just the closure of doors all the time/

And so the whores you wanna fuck are only white? That's only right if you be on a lonely island filled with only whites, you gots no frickin' taste for life if you drink only white and lite/

You think you gonna make it big? Well, if you fake it, maybe in you muthafuckin' stories that you write about your daydreams when you naked sitting, wasting, wishing you could be a kid again/

When you just a muthafuckin' kid up in da head, coz racism gets you no cred, progressions better, best with sex, so if you got two legs then peg babes, don't be fuckin' spreading hate, it spreads like AIDS ill mental states, our prior States were rental, now I guess they get replaced/

Now face it, you will never make it, you're a fake friend to the peeps who'd make you famous so they leave/

And since fame is full communal, you in unity with you only/

You lonely muthafuckin' prick/

You owe me if this makes you big/

I ain't gonna be naming you, you won't get famous through this diss/

So quick witted my rhymes be so fitted to pricks; fitted jeans/

Enclose 'em in a web of my assertion of the shit they did/

So finally they find that they can't find a bitch to fly high with because they reputation like the Asian head who bombed the states, a weak and little prick/

ANA MARIA HUMS THE RAPPED WORDS, MAKING THE SOUND OF BIRDSONG - SOMETHING NATURAL AND ETHEREAL.

LI CLICKS A BUTTON.

SHE WAS RECORDING ANA MARIA'S VOICE.

LI

You speak like a bird.

ANA MARIA NODS AND SMILES.

******

[1.] Too Close - Alex Clare (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYXjLbMZFmo)

- Bird singing dubstep! (ORIGINAL) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGhVXgMoz4g)

[2.] Adams, H. E., Wright, L. W., & Lohr, B. A. (1996). [Abstract]. Is homophobia associated with homosexual arousal? Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 105 (3), 440-445. doi: 10.1037/0021-843X.105.3.440 Retrieved January 14, 2012 from http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/abn/105/3/440/

******

INT. TIJUANA - CNR CALLE COAHUILA AND AV. REVOLUCIÓN - TIJUANA SOUVENIRS - NIGHT

(MATT, ANA MARIA, LI)

THE DIRECTOR GETS BORED AND