The Ovenlight Saga: Baking Dough - Part 1, A Clean and Funny Twilight Parody

By Stefanie Mellor

The Twilight Saga has been the subject of a few previous parodies -but I hope you will find this version unique. Most are filled with curse words and crude content, I wanted to make a parody that was super funny AND clean - one that was great, but wasn't in the gutter!

This is 95% based off lines & scenes from the movies, but there is some stuff from "Midnight Sun", such as Edward's (Tedwin's) perspective, him worrying about showing all of his teeth and about Ella falling into the ocean or doing something else clumsy.

Tedwin and his fridgitarian family members, including 4 adopted siblings (Alith, Jackson, Dimmit & Rose) reside in Ports, Oregon - a small town where they can live under the witness protection program with minimal interference, running their Italian ice cream franchise, Cold Skin Creamery. Growing up in the mafia was hard for Tedwin, and he's glad that his dad (Carlo) and his mom (Escusme), fled that life and came to America.

Everything is going fine until a girl named Portabella (Ella) moves into town, a girl who loves jalepeno pizza - so much so, in fact - that it runs through her veins. Tedwin doesn't know if he can have a friendship - or any kind of relationship - with this girl who smells like forbidden food. He also can't read her mind, which is very frustrating and new. His sister, Alith, assures him that she and Ella will be great friends. and that he and Ella will be together in the future.

Jason Dark-Grey, Ella’s childhood best friend (bestest, brightest and BUFFEST), also cares about Ella - much to Tedwin's chagrin. He turns into an animal, too- but not the one you think. He tries to convince Ella that eating so much junk food is bad for her blood sugar levels, reminding her that she might need her toes someday, but she is convinced that she can scarf down anything she wants: pizza, ice cream, doritos, etc - and her figure stays the same. However, something she eats in 'Baking Dough - Part 2' will change that and the lives of everyone she cares about.

Is there blood? YES. Is there baseball? OF COURSE!
Are there bad puns of movie quotes? TOO MANY TO COUNT.

What makes Tedwin’s throat burn like a white-hot branding iron? What does Jason beg Ella not to do?
What was Ella born to be?
Who had a human snack out in the woods?

The answer to these burning questions and more is what you will have to read to find out!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stefanie Mellor
• Release date: Jul 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005442057

Stefanie Mellor

Stefanie grew up in the dry, desert plains of west Texas in the Midland/Odessa area and currently resides in the piney coastal woods near Houston, Texas.Seeing a terrible Twilight parody in the movie theater made her want to make her own parody - but one without any curse words or crude stuff.She initially planned to release the entire Ovenlight Saga: Baking Dough - Part 1, in summer of 2021, but she was diagnosed with cancer in April of that year. As a result, the Ovenlight Saga was split into 2 parts, Baking Dough - Part 1 and 2. She is currently doing well following chemo and radiation and working on part 2.Happy reading!

Book preview

The Ovenlight Saga

Baking Dough: Part 1

Stefanie Mellor

Copyright © 2023 Stefanie Mellor

All rights reserved

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Similarity to Twilight characters is hopefully appreciated.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN-13: 9781234567890

ISBN-10: 1477123456

Cover design by: Aimee Williams

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309

- To the creator God - you deserve the credit and glory for this. To Jesus, my redeemer, my life would be very different if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for giving us humans a sense of humor and the joy of laughter.

- To my favorite food in the world: pizza, and to my mom, who really told me when I was like 9 or 10 that I ate so much pizza that it was going to run through my veins.

- To my friends Cassie, Breann and Angela for telling me about this Twilight movie that was coming out, otherwise I would have had no idea what it was. Also, for going with me to see the ‘Vampires Suck’ parody movie, which really did suck and inspired me to want to write a better one.

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1: The New Place

Chapter 2: The Gaze

Chapter 3: Stop Acting Like a Newborn

Chapter 4: BargainBin

Chapter 5: Valentine’s Day is next Month

Chapter 6: Meet Me in the Woods

Chapter 7: The Hermit & the Little Horses

Chapter 8: Baseball with the Collins

Chapter 9: So This is My Room

Chapter 10: Blood and Chocolate

Chapter 11: The Miracle

Chapter 12: The Short Life of Mr. Fluffkins

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

About The Author

Introduction

Once upon a time, I went to see the first Twilight movie. It was meh. Then 2 of my friends, who were Twilight superfans, invited me to go see the Twilight parody movie Vampires Suck. It was terrible.

Growing up, my parents didn’t let me see rated R movies. So, I was ill prepared for this one. For some reason, I thought it was going to be funny - which it was in a few scenes - but mostly it was…crude and vulgar and not funny (to me anyways).

After the movie was over, I remember sitting there in my theater seat - super disappointed - when the thought came to me: "I could make a funnier parody movie than that!"

So for the next week, that was my passion. Now, living in west Texas, this was going to be a problem, since there weren’t many trees - and Twilight was filmed in the Pacific northwest. So I focused on indoor scenes and props. I knew some people who worked at a Baskin Robbins ice cream store, so that’s where I got the idea of Tedwin and his family working there, and why his hands were so cold all the time. For Ella’s character, I needed something the opposite of ice cream. I remembered that I had either a hat or shirt from when I worked at Papa John’s Pizza, so she was going to work in a pizza place. I also remembered that when I was a kid, my mom told me I ate so much pizza that it was going to run through my veins! I thought that was a pretty cool tie-in to the whole vampire thing…and then I ran out of ideas.

I quickly forgot about the entire thing and didn’t expect to think of it ever again. When I did think of it again, it was 2020 during the Covid pandemic, and I was unemployed and trying to find something productive to do.

What I realized after a few months of considering how to bring my idea to life, is that nobody can read my mind - and if I was going to be serious about this, I needed to write a script/book. But that was a scary idea! Do I read fiction? Not much. Have I ever written fiction? No! (well, maybe once or twice in school, but I didn't like it.) Have I ever written dialogue? Nope.

But all I could do was try. Once I started writing, ideas started flooding my brain and cracking me up! Not only had I been watching a lot of good comedy writing over the previous 5 years from Studio C, Parks & Recreation and Brooklyn 9-9, I had also seen ALL of the Twilight Saga movies **many** times, which gave me much more material to work with than the first time.

I started the writing process in January of 2021, and expected to have this entire parody written by that summer. What I didn’t expect was to be diagnosed with endometrial cancer in April of that year. I was only 70% finished with writing the entire saga, so I made a promise to myself that if I survived my surgery in June, that I would publish the first 10-ish chapters as part 1, and finish part 2 at a later date, like how ‘Breaking Dawn’ was split into 2 movies.

Thankfully, I was able to fulfill that promise! I published part 1 in June of 2021 in a narrow window of time between my surgery and cancer treatments. Chemo, radiation and the physical and emotional side effects of all of that (plus being thrown into a post-menopausal state overnight) caused quite a delay in working on part 2. After a year and a half, I finally felt like I could start writing again. After reading over Part 1 that I had already published as an e-book, I decided to make some tweaks and add a few more funny bits to it and re-release part 1 in 2023, since I don't think it got much of a fair shot or publicity the first time around. (I am writing this now as of November 2023). I hope this will make you laugh as much as it did me!

Side note:

A majority of movie parodies and satires that I've seen go in a very crude direction, and as I’ve said, I don’t care for that. I say, why can’t stuff be funny without being dirty? So that’s how I’ve written this. I know things don't have to be in the gutter to be good. So, there’s no curse words or crude content.

You should also know that you don’t need to have read any of the Twilight books in order to get the jokes, since this is mostly based on the Twilight movies. There are a handful of references to something Tedwin says or does in Midnight Sun (like accidentally showing his teeth to Bella or dazzling her or warning her not to fall in the ocean, and Ella doing a lot of blushing - but that’s about it.) There are a few lines from other movies too (Encino Man, Warm Bodies, Selena (with Jennifer Lopez), Wreck-It-Ralph, Home Alone, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure), which are an added bonus if you get them. Happy reading!

A majority of Ella’s backstory (food & clothing preferences, experiences at camp and school, etc - the rattlesnake, the bloody starburst, the incident at the mall after eating spicy burritos - and that’s just in part 1) are all true and based directly on my own childhood/teenage experiences. Looking back on them, it seems that writing about them gives them another purpose - other than making my life super awkward at the time. In the first Twilight movie there’s a lot of time where Bella and Edward are talking and it just plays music over that. I know they aren’t talking about politics, she’s only 17, so I’m sure she’s just sharing weird stuff that’s happened. So I substituted it with a bunch of weird stuff that’s happened to me. You’re welcome.

Chapter 1: The New Place

Heat.

Cold.

New.

Old.

​It had already been a few days since Ella was sitting on an airplane, staring down below at the bare, brown desert that slowly transformed into an endless carpet of green. She couldn’t believe that she was actually living here - and not just visiting for the summer or a holiday break.

Already she was missing the pizza oven in her backyard and fresh jalapenos from her garden. She didn’t think she would miss west Texas much with its dry, desert heat and blazing sky, but she wouldn’t have minded just a little bit of warmth today.

It was cold inside her truck.

Trying to gather the nerve to go inside the high school, the previous evening’s phone conversation she had with her mom, Runnawaye, swirled inside her mind.

The first day at any school is hard - it’s normal to get lost in a new place. You can always ask someone for help. No one’s going to bite.

Feeling lost isn’t exactly a new thing for me mom, she reminded her dryly. It’s the ‘talking to other people’ part that I’m dreading.

Ella looked down at her watch and took a deep breath, reminding herself that she could do this, as she reflected on the countless times she had gotten turned around in the city of Odessa - the city she had lived in for the last 16 years - since her parents got divorced and her mom had moved them to Texas.

Somehow she always found her way home,