Change My Relationship: 365 Daily Devotions for Christians in Difficult Relationships

By Karla Downing

Do you wish you could get difficult relationship advice for your Christian codependency from a therapist right when you need it without paying for a therapy session? That is exactly what you will have in this topically indexed daily devotional.

Karla understands what you are going through because she has been there. Raised in a

• Language: English
• Publisher: Karla Downing
• Release date: May 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781735245911

Book preview

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all who have played a part in my ministry. First to God, who gave me the desire to write and teach in 1999, in front of that Lifeway bookstore, and then opened the doors so I could do it.

A special dedication to my husband, Monte, who has devoted his life to providing for our family, freeing up countless hours for me to write and teach. God used a brunch ticket and a Sunday School class, both Monte’s ideas, to launch this ministry over two decades ago. His willingness to allow me to share the details of our marriage struggles still amazes me. And to my daughters Kami, Rachel, and Lindsey for never complaining when I reveal our family problems. To my dad for getting sober in Alcoholics Anonymous in 1976 and introducing me to Al-Anon, where I learned many of the principles and tools I teach. To my mom for standing up for her faith in the Lord and imparting it to me by taking us to church every Sunday, even though she suffered for it.

I will be forever grateful to Bob Noonan, who allowed me to participate in his Steppin’ Out recovery ministry. To those who have helped me teach these principles in my classes: Wendy, Mark, Karen, Sandy, Laurie, Christina, Bridget, Kara, Michele, Leah, Desiree, Priscilla, Sofia, Lois, Jennifer, Linda, Ruth, Letitia, Heather, Darci, Nancy, Bob, Pat, Tracy, Brenda, Elena, and more. To Friends Church and Fullerton Free Church for generously giving me the opportunity and space to teach my classes. To Alex and Don Flecky for inviting me into their THRIVE! relationship ministry. To Kathy Vincent, the Scripture Lady, who showed me how to do an online ministry.

And to all those who have shared their lives and difficult relationships with me. Your experiences have helped me to grow in my understanding.

To all of you who have told me my voice is in your head and you would like a Karla bobblehead doll—here it is.

Introduction

This devotional is designed to give you practical ideas, based on biblical truths, to help you become healthy in your relationships. It is especially helpful for people in difficult dysfunctional relationships, because those are confusing to navigate.

You can use this book in two ways. First, you can read the daily devotional that corresponds with the date. Second, you can look in the index for the topic you need at that time in your life, and you can read all the devotionals on that topic.

I have included principles and tools from my books 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages and When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, as well as some from The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to a Healthy Self-Image.

I hope you will learn new concepts and ideas to help you on your journey to becoming healthy in your life and relationships. I also hope that reading little bits at a time will help you apply your new knowledge easily.

If you are already familiar with my 10 Relationship-changing Principles, these readings will reinforce, remind, and renew the ideas you’ve learned.

I pray you will become confident that God’s Word supports healthy relationships and gives you ample tools to use when dealing with the difficult ones. May you grow in knowledge and wisdom and learn to discern what to do in your complex relationship dynamics.

Blessings, Karla

Contents

January

January 1 - A New Beginning

January 2 - Changing Yourself

January 3 - Change Is Your Responsibility

January 4 - The Dignity to Choose

January 5 - The Dance

January 6 - A Prophet Without Honor

January 7 - Accepting Things You Cannot Change

January 8 - God of Compassion

January 9 - Responsible for Yourself

January 10 - Reaching Out

January 11 - Wanting to Be Well

January 12 - Actions Speak Louder Than Words

January 13 - Managing Expectations

January 14 - Grace for Yourself

January 15 - Check Your Motives

January 16 - Relationship Goodwill

January 17 - Scripture Balances Scripture

January 18 - The Justice of God

January 19 - Self-Care Is Essential

January 20 - Persevering Love

January 21 - Anger Isn’t a Sin

January 22 - Influence for Good

January 23 - Feelings Aren’t Right or Wrong

January 24 - Labeling the Problem

January 25 - Speaking Your Truth

January 26 - Owning Your Choices

January 27 - Magical Thinking

January 28 - Knowing Your Truth

January 29 - Knowing Your Boundaries

January 30 - Change Your Thoughts

January 31 - Healthy Family Rules

February

February 1 - Detaching with Love

February 2 - Knowing Your Needs and Wants

February 3 - Facing Your Fears

February 4 - Not Harming Me or You

February 5 - Numbing Your Emotions

February 6 - Relationship Cutoff

February 7 - Disappointment with God

February 8 - Letting Go of Denial

February 9 - Owning Your Power

February 10 - Codependent Caretaking

February 11 - Keeping a Record

February 12 - Mutual Submission

February 13 - Living at Peace

February 14 - Clueless People

February 15 - Stop Comparing

February 16 - Forgiving and Forgetting

February 17 - Manipulative People

February 18 - Resisting Backlash

February 19 - Unmanageability

February 20 - Don’t Take Personalities Personally

February 21 - Do Something Different

February 22 - Righteous Indignation

February 23 - Grieving Your Losses

February 24 - Boundary Busters

February 25 - Idle Threats

February 26 - Safe People

February 27 - Focusing on the Positive

February 28 - Detaching from Their Reactions

February 29 - Emotional Intelligence

March

March 1 - The Forgiveness Process

March 2 - Responding to Anger

March 3 - Restorative Refreshing

March 4 - Respecting Yourself

March 5 - Asking for Validation

March 6 - Healthy Trust

March 7 - New Behavior

March 8 - Mind Your Own Business

March 9 - Impossible-to-Please People

March 10 - A Time to Be Silent

March 11 - Getting Untangled

March 12 - Defensive People

March 13 - Balancing Your Day

March 14 - True Repentance

March 15 - Two Views

March 16 - Owning Your Part

March 17 - Stop Enabling

March 18 - Overlooking the Little Things

March 19 - Confronting the Big Things

March 20 - Don’t Back Down

March 21 - Surrendering Your Decisions

March 22 - Suffering for Good

March 23 - Emotional Blackmail

March 24 - Getting Clarity

March 25 - Projecting Our Own Standards

March 26 - Delaying Gratification

March 27 - Blaming Others

March 28 - Family Fantasy

March 29 - The Prosperous Wicked

March 30 - Get Out of the Middle

March 31 - The Holy Spirit’s Job

April

April 1 - Shame vs. Guilt

April 2 - Building Resilience

April 3 - Managing Consequences

April 4 - Know Who You Are Dealing With

April 5 - Is Jesus All You Need?

April 6 - Contempt

April 7 - Apologizing

April 8 - Overpowering People

April 9 - Forgiveness Misconceptions

April 10 - Underreacting vs. Overreacting

April 11 - Self-interest vs. Others’ Interests

April 12 - Self-Pity

April 13 - Active Acceptance

April 14 - The Next Indicated Thing

April 15 - Detach from Moods

April 16 - To Speak or Not to Speak

April 17 - Backing Up Your Words

April 18 - Letting Go of Anger

April 19 - Repeat Offenders

April 20 - Being Assertive

April 21 - An Attitude of Gratitude

April 22 - Blessing Your Enemies

April 23 - Judge Not

April 24 - Dark Night of the Soul

April 25 - Dealing with Crises

April 26 - Dealing with Difficult People

April 27 - The Need to Know

April 28 - Giving from Your Abundance

April 29 - Getting Feedback

April 30 - Laying Down Your Rights

May

May 1 - Before Boundaries

May 2 - Letting Go of Chaos

May 3 - One Day at a Time

May 4 - Keeping Your Faith

May 5 - Fueling the Fire

May 6 - Fight, Flight, or Freeze

May 7 - Dealing with Disappointment

May 8 - Accepting Your Lot

May 9 - The Narrow Road

May 10 - Complementary Roles

May 11 - Your Divine Purpose

May 12 - When Rescuing You Destroys Me

May 13 - Strive for Moderation

May 14 - Encouragement

May 15 - Drawing Out the Heart

May 16 - Is Peace a Sign?

May 17 - Showing Appreciation

May 18 - Using I Statements

May 19 - Taking It All On

May 20 - Boundaries vs. Rules

May 21 - Intuition

May 22 - The Change Process

May 23 - Get Some Rest

May 24 - The Necessity of Boundaries

May 25 - Respecting Others’ Boundaries

May 26 - Letting Go of Obsession

May 27 - Act As If

May 28 - Avoiding Burnout

May 29 - Compromising Your Beliefs

May 30 - Genuine Caring

May 31 - Receiving from Others

June

June 1 - Forgiving Yourself

June 2 - Resisting Control

June 3 - Timing

June 4 - This Too Shall Pass

June 5 - The Message in the Choice

June 6 - Arguing with a Fool

June 7 - Resisting Emotional Manipulation

June 8 - Stop Explaining

June 9 - Procrastination

June 10 - Covert Contracts

June 11 - Cause and Effect

June 12 - Doing Your Part

June 13 - The Effects of Tolerance

June 14 - Willing to Be Willing

June 15 - What’s Your Fruit?

June 16 - Stepping Back

June 17 - An Undeserved Curse

June 18 - Manipulative Hurt

June 19 - Living with Injustice

June 20 - Grace vs. the Law

June 21 - Struggle for Intimacy

June 22 - Serenity

June 23 - Sarcasm

June 24 - Shaming to Get Change

June 25 - Relationship Spiritual Warfare

June 26 - First Things First

June 27 - Gaining Understanding

June 28 - A Reason Is Not an Excuse

June 29 - Respecting the Position

June 30 - Old Baggage

July

July 1 - Coping Styles

July 2 - Emotional Sobriety

July 3 - Communicating Incompetence

July 4 - Letting Go of People Pleasing

July 5 - Putting Up Security

July 6 - Guarding Your Heart

July 7 - Detachment Isn’t Denial

July 8 - Finding Happiness Today

July 9 - Wanting It More

July 10 - Counting the Cost

July 11 - Foolishness of Fools

July 12 - Giving from Choice

July 13 - Letting Go of Fixing

July 14 - Believe What You See

July 15 - The Third Option

July 16 - Perseverance

July 17 - The Justice of Your Cause

July 18 - Crazymakers

July 19 - Forcing Solutions

July 20 - Give It a Light Touch

July 21 - HALT

July 22 - Foolish Decisions

July 23 - Empathy

July 24 - Accepting Each Other’s Journey

July 25 - Being Vulnerable

July 26 - Keeping Family Secrets

July 27 - Family Drama

July 28 - Healthy Adult Relationships

July 29 - Standing Firm

July 30 - Twisting Your Words

July 31 - Enjoying the Good Times

August

August 1 - Enjoying the Moment

August 2 - Owning Your Feelings

August 3 - By the Grace of God

August 4 - Full Reconciliation

August 5 - Shame Talk

August 6 - Demanding an Apology

August 7 - Making Amends

August 8 - Changing Your Mind

August 9 - Triggered Shame

August 10 - Breathe

August 11 - Meeting Your Own Needs

August 12 - Recognizing Your Own Pain

August 13 - Dealing with Anxiety

August 14 - Turn the Other Cheek

August 15 - Letting Go of Perfection

August 16 - Turning It Over

August 17 - Affirmations

August 18 - Saying No

August 19 - Saying Yes

August 20 - Good or Bad?

August 21 - Financial Health

August 22 - Responding to Criticism

August 23 - Protecting Ourselves and Others

August 24 - Letting Go of Martyrdom

August 25 - Rejecting Projection

August 26 - Passive-Aggressive Anger

August 27 - Just Because Someone Says It

August 28 - Whose Problem Is It?

August 29 - Entitlement

August 30 - Accountability

August 31 - Choose Who You Let Into Your Life

September

September 1 - The Sting of Jealousy

September 2 - Stirring Up Resentment

September 3 - Live and Let Live

September 4 - Easy Does It

September 5 - Finding God’s Will

September 6 - Letting Go of False Guilt

September 7 - Respecting the Unrespectable

September 8 - Responsible Stewardship

September 9 - It’s Only Spilled Milk

September 10 - Magic Words

September 11 - What Ifs

September 12 - Short and Direct

September 13 - Escalation

September 14 - Finding Your Voice

September 15 - Benefits of Boundaries

September 16 - Baby Steps

September 17 - Letting Go of Victimhood

September 18 - Validating Others

September 19 - Walking on Eggshells

September 20 - Validating Yourself

September 21 - Choose Your Battles

September 22 - Legalism

September 23 - Doing the Best You Can

September 24 - Spiritual Abuse

September 25 - Dealing with Painful Feelings

September 26 - Believing You Are Worth It

September 27 - Relationship Payoffs

September 28 - WAIT

September 29 - Hanging On

September 30 - Discounting

October

October 1 - Strength Under Control

October 2 - Letting Go of Regrets

October 3 - Living Amends

October 4 - Trusting Yourself

October 5 - Recognizing Abuse

October 6 - Physical Detachment

October 7 - Getting Through the Hard Times

October 8 - Feeling Stuck

October 9 - Dealing with Narcissists

October 10 - Say It Once

October 11 - What Detachment Is Not

October 12 - Unspoken Expectations

October 13 - Healthy Relationship Components

October 14 - How Important Is It?

October 15 - Pleasant Words

October 16 - Disobeying Authority

October 17 - Pat Answers Don’t Help

October 18 - It Isn’t Your Fault

October 19 - Definition of Insanity

October 20 - Releasing with Love

October 21 - Making Commitments

October 22 - Listening with an Open Mind

October 23 - Reacting vs. Acting

October 24 - Accepting Change

October 25 - Keeping a Clear Conscience

October 26 - Individual Limits

October 27 - Dealing with Irritation

October 28 - Forgiveness with Consequences

October 29 - Detaching from Threats

October 30 - Biblical Boundary Principles

October 31 - Rejection and Disapproval

November

November 1 - Unreliable People

November 2 - Wounded Healers

November 3 - Not Right vs. Wrong

November 4 - Don’t Bite the Hook

November 5 - Comparing Insides to Outsides

November 6 - Rocking the Boat

November 7 - Accepting Blame

November 8 - Boundary Responses

November 9 - Warning Signs

November 10 - Enabling or Encouraging?

November 11 - The Three Cs

November 12 - Liking Yourself

November 13 - Forgiveness Is a Gift to Yourself

November 14 - Who’s Responsible?

November 15 - Taking Your Time

November 16 - Don’t Be a Doormat

November 17 - Seeking Out the Offended

November 18 - Emotional Healing

November 19 - Surrender

November 20 - Healthy Fear of God

November 21 - Fallback Feeling

November 22 - Does God Change People?

November 23 - Being True to Ourselves

November 24 - Gratitude Lists

November 25 - Making Adjustments

November 26 - Starting Over

November 27 - Being Open to the Truth

November 28 - Detaching from Anger

November 29 - Dealing with Stress

November 30 - Put It on the Table

December

December 1 - Doing What You Can

December 2 - Stating Your Boundaries

December 3 - Detaching from Blame

December 4 - Keep It Simple

December 5 - Unconditional Love

December 6 - Grace for Grief

December 7 - Offer a Blessing

December 8 - Progress, Not Perfection

December 9 - Calm It Down

December 10 - Chronic Victims

December 11 - Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

December 12 - Loving Yourself

December 13 - Assumptions

December 14 - Let Go and Let God

December 15 - Honesty

December 16 - Slips

December 17 - Survivor Guilt

December 18 - For Fun and For Free

December 19 - Asking for Respect

December 20 - Detachment for the Holidays

December 21 - Self-Care for the Holidays

December 22 - Holiday Triggers

December 23 - Holiday Expectations

December 24 - Functional Dysfunctional Holidays

December 25 - The Gift of Hope

December 26 - Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

December 27 - The Serenity Prayer

December 28 - Relationship Contracts

December 29 - Unanswered Prayers

December 30 - Holding Your Dreams Loosely

December 31 - Reflections

January

January 1

A New Beginning

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18–19)

Today is the first day of a new year full of opportunities to change your life and relationships. It is a chance to put the past behind and focus on what’s ahead. Something about starting fresh feels good.

You have before you 365 days (366 in a leap year) with blank pages. One day at a time, you will write your story this year. What do you want your story to be?

You write your own story! Does that sound unspiritual to you? It’s not. God has made you the steward of your own life. You get to choose how you live. Be intentional. Don’t just go forward blindly. What do you want to be different this year? Visualize what that would look like. Write it down so you can look back on it. Then consider what it will take to make it happen and write that down too.

You aren’t deciding how other people will live, because you don’t get to choose for them. They have the right to make their own choices. And you then get to decide what you will do with their choices. You’re visualizing a new beginning for yourself.

Prayer

God, help me to visualize the things You want me to do differently in this new year—things that will give my life and relationships a new beginning, even though I don’t yet know how to do them.

January 2

Changing Yourself

So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. (Romans 14:12)

How much time and energy do you spend trying to make other people change? Most likely, too much.

You want other people to change for good reasons. You see them hurting themselves, and you care. You see them hurting you, and you want it to stop. You see them hurting your relationship, and you want it to be better. But you are powerless to make people change, and when you direct your energies toward trying to force them, you prevent yourself from changing the only thing you have any power over: yourself.

Your efforts to force others to change will make your life unmanageable. And they lead you to act in ways that make you a part of the problem.

The solution is to take the focus off changing other people and put it onto changing yourself. When you stand before God and give an account of your life, you will not be able to talk about the difficult people in your life and what they did. You will answer to God about what you did, even if you merely responded to their actions. What better motivation could you possibly have to focus on changing yourself?

Prayer

God, help me recognize the futile things I do to force others to change. Help me to turn my focus onto changing myself. Then, when I stand before You, I will not be ashamed.

January 3

Change Is Your Responsibility

Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. (Jeremiah 31:21)

Christians often mistakenly believe it is God’s job to change them and that it should miraculously happen without their effort. That isn’t the way it works. We can tap into the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, but it is still our responsibility to do the work.

It’s easier to sit back and ask God to change us, because then it isn’t our fault when it doesn’t happen. We can use that as an excuse, but God doesn’t accept it. He created each of us with a mind and a will. We have the responsibility to examine our actions and to commit to changing what isn’t right.

It’s hard to replace old habits. It takes intention and commitment along with practice. Change is often two steps forward and one step back. Failure is part of the process. It isn’t a reason to stop trying.

Set yourself up for success by setting reasonable expectations so you won’t get discouraged when it doesn’t happen. It takes time to replace ingrained habits, especially in difficult relationships with dysfunctional patterns and high reactivity. Give yourself grace when you slip. Then pick yourself up and try again. Eventually, it will happen when you take responsibility for changing yourself.

Prayer

God, help me set reachable goals to change myself. Give me the self-discipline to do what it takes to reach them.

January 4

The Dignity to Choose

Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. (Matthew 19:21–22)

When our loved ones don’t fix their problems and the relationship problems the way we think they should, we do all kinds of things to convince them to do so. We lecture, we nag, we threaten, we explain, we fix, we get mad, we appease, we cover up, and we control. And when they don’t change, we keep trying.

I have a triple-type-A personality with endless energy. For twenty years, I used all my energy to change my husband. When I finally let go and allowed him to make his own choices, I directed my energy into my ministry and found it much more rewarding. It took me a long time to be able to do what Jesus did.

Jesus’s encounter with the rich young ruler is an example of someone who hears truth yet chooses to reject it. Jesus didn’t follow him. He didn’t threaten, beg, or compromise. He allowed him the dignity to choose his own path because God has given each of us the right to make choices for ourselves. Give the people in your life the same dignity to choose.

Prayer

God, help me to give people in my life the dignity to choose for themselves. When they make choices I don’t like, help me resist the urge to force them to choose differently.

January 5

The Dance

Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended. (Proverbs 22:10)

Relationships are like a dance. With both, we engage in familiar interaction patterns. If you want to change your relationship, change the dance. Recognize the steps you both engage in and change yours.

How do you recognize the dance in your relationship? Here are some questions to answer:

• What keeps happening over and over?

• What do you do that makes you say, I should have known better?

• What issue do you fantasize about being able to explain and fix?

These questions direct your focus to the repetitive interactions in your relationships. Once you identify the dance, figure out something you can do differently. It doesn’t matter that you can’t force other people to change. Instead, change the dance by changing what you do. When you take different steps, they have no choice but to take different steps in response. Even one small step changes the dance. Start learning some new steps.

Prayer

God, help me to recognize the dances I engage in. Help me to change my steps so the relationship will change, even if the other person doesn’t want change.

January 6

A Prophet Without Honor

Truly I tell you, he continued, no prophet is accepted in his hometown. (Luke 4:24)

When Jesus spoke in His hometown, people were amazed, but they also distrusted and doubted Him. They knew His mother and brother and decided that Jesus couldn’t be who He said He was. Because of their lack of faith, Jesus didn’t do many miracles there.

We desperately want to convince the people we care about to do things differently. But it’s hard for them to hear us. We can talk about doing what is right, talk about our concerns, and talk about the ways they need to change. But because they know us so intimately, they easily point out our own faults

and issues from the past and use them against us. They even call us hypocrites. Our history with them interferes with our good intentions.

We must accept that we are usually not the ones to reach our loved ones with the truth they need to hear. God can use other people and outside circumstances to bring them awareness. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t speak our truth. We simply need to remember that we may not be the one who convinces the person to change.

Let go and trust God to work in their lives in His way and time, just as He works in yours.

Prayer

God, help me remember that the closer I am to someone, the harder it is for them to hear my words. I ask You to work in ways that only You can.

January 7

Accepting Things You Cannot Change

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will. (Matthew 26:39)

Acceptance is the key to letting go. When you aren’t accepting, you are resisting. Resistance takes effort and energy. You think your refusal to accept a situation will keep it from being real, but it won’t.

Acceptance means you hold out your open hand to receive what is given to you. You can’t let go of something until it’s yours.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you passively tolerate whatever comes your way. It simply allows you to come to terms with the reality of life as it is at that moment. Once you accept it, you can then focus on choosing your response.

Accepting the things you cannot change brings peace because it brings an end to the fight. You raise the white flag of surrender and then negotiate the terms of living with the reality you have. You are not surrendering to circumstances or people; you are surrendering to God, asking Him to guide you and help you to deal with whatever He allows in your life. You can respond as Jesus did: If there is any way to take it away, please do. But if there is not, then Your will be done.

Prayer

God, help me open my hand willingly to receive what You have allowed in my life. Then help me change what I can as I deal with it.

January 8

God of Compassion

He said to them, If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out? How much more valuable is a person than a sheep! Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath. (Matthew 12:11–12)

The Pharisees asked Jesus whether it was okay for His disciples to pick grain and for Him to heal on the Sabbath. Jesus told them common sense and compassion are more important than keeping the rigid letter of the law.

Christians in difficult relationships think God is judging their imperfect responses harshly. They apply Scripture rigidly to their lives, putting themselves under the law.

People in my difficult-marriage class worry that God isn’t happy with them because they aren’t honest about the name of the class they are taking. I remind them that the fact that they cannot be honest proves they are in a difficult marriage. God understands this.

God is full of compassion, understanding your struggles and not judging you according to the letter of the law. He is drawn toward you, not away from you. The more brokenhearted and destitute you are, the more brokenhearted He is over you and the closer He draws to you. He feels the same about you as you feel about your hurting loved ones. The God of compassion cares deeply and passionately about your pain.

Prayer

God, thank You for being a God of compassion and for understanding the complexities of my difficult relationship struggles, rather than judging me according to rigid rules.

January 9

Responsible for Yourself

If any of them go outside your house into the street, their blood will be on their own heads; we will not be responsible. (Joshua 2:19)

We often take on too much responsibility in our relationships. We somehow buy into the lie that we are responsible for other people’s choices, even when we didn’t make them do what they did. Irresponsible people are good at manipulating us, using blame and guilt to make us feel it’s our fault.

Here are the things you are responsible for in your relationships: your choices, your reactions, your actions, your inactions, your feelings, your attitudes, and your outcomes. Things you are not responsible for in your relationships: other people’s choices, reactions, actions, inactions, feelings, attitudes and outcomes—even though they tell you they did what they did because of you. If you had the power to make them do what you want, they would probably be doing very different things!