Killing Suicide

By Julie Ann Law

The Author's personal anguish, torment, and eventual acceptance of her only son's death bring gentle, Godly guidance and valuable advice for parents who don't know where to turn for help.

The mother's valiant attempts to keep her son on God's path for his life were often thwarted by spiritual battles that were hard to identify and control

• Language: English
• Publisher: Julie Ann Law
• Release date: Mar 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781087956558

Book preview

Chapter 1

The Seer

The light brown curls and chubby cheeks of my little boy would make any parent smile ear to ear. Julian Patrick Quinn was born at 7:07 a.m. on March 20, 1996, one week before my 39th birthday. I was so excited to welcome him into the world. I never ever thought I would have a child, but the Lord had other plans for my life.

My marriage was destined to fail from the start because of its rocky foundation, so I knew that March day as I lay holding Julian, that my life would be as a single mother. My mom had fl own from Pennsylvania to Texas to help teach me how to take care of my newborn who was on his way, and I confi ded my marriage problems with her. We were divorced when Julian was less than one year old.

Julian was the love of my life. He made me so happy. He was the smartest, funniest child I had ever known. I worked as an artist all over the Dallas area, creating murals and specialty painting in clients’ homes and commercially. Close friends would babysit for me, and sometimes I took Julian to my church for daycare while I was working. I was so excited to pick him up after a long day at work. I always knelt down on one knee to welcome him as he ran into my arms.

Julian was such a loving little boy. We would lay in his bed at night and he would add 3-digit numbers in his head at the age of 3. He was brilliant. He was also a seer. He could see or feel angels and demons from an early age. He talked a lot about God in Heaven and all about His creation. He would talk about the clouds and sunsets and be amazed at the beauty in the world, at age two and three! He constantly reminded me of God’s goodness.

We lived in a small, two-bedroom cottage with beautiful gardens that Julian would help me maintain. He would paint at his easel, plant flowers, watch Little Bear, play with his building blocks, and he loved marble games. We had two little Shih Tzu puppies, Bing and Hogan, that Julian loved. They slept in his bed with him—which was my bed for the first year!

When we moved from Dallas to Waxahachie, I found a church where we both learned a lot about the Bible. At the age of 7, Julian gave his life to the Lord Jesus and was baptized. I was overthe-top excited and overjoyed. He repeated 1 Thessalonians 5:16 as his chosen Scripture:Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I remember how I cried and laughed with joy, all at the same time. I had just given my life to Christ at the age of 36, right before Julian was born. All in God’s perfect timing. I had not been raised in a Christian household but had always felt God’s tug on my heart. The Lord knew I would need Him and His strength to get through life as a single mom and for the rest of my life.

I could go on and on of the many miracles I saw as a new believer, where God moved in what looked like impossible situations. I saw Him bring me work when I had not one day booked with a client—we never went without. His faithfulness deepened my relationship with Jesus during Julian’s childhood, as He was the only One I could rely on. My family lives in the Northeast region of the United States; and although I love them, when I found Jesus they distanced themselves from me for my choices. As I understand the supernatural realm now, I know it was not a personal affront of me—it was Jesus in me they didn’t like. To this day, my sisters and I are on two different planets spiritually, and we communicate only once a year.

As Julian got older, he loved to go with me to different churches. He would be right up front worshipping Jesus, arms raised high or flailing in a war-type battle. I had only prayed for one main thing as a mom—for my son to know Jesus, in an intimate way. Those were and are my most prized memories. Julian and I had a bond that I’m sure not many parents have the blessing of enjoying. I cherished our times together.

I knew that Julian’s brilliant mind needed to keep busy, so I sought to ground him in a solid foundation of love and faith in God. I also knew as he matured into his teenage years, he would be pulled into the world, as he was always seeking knowledge and gaining wisdom. He loved to read. I didn’t let him play video games or stay over friends’ houses, trying to protect him from harm. He loved to play sports when he was 7 to 11 years old; he was a natural athlete, especially at football and skating. He was also a golfer. When he was 12, he got a skateboard, which became his favorite sport.

At age 13, I bought Julian his first guitar, since he was so musically inclined. He taught himself how to play almost instantaneously. Within a year he was playing songs that people with years of experience couldn’t even attempt. I realized that most musicians had to be very intelligent to learn to play and memorize music.

As a seer, Julian was gifted in many areas of life, and it was so exciting to see him excel in all of God’s blessings.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Chapter 2

The Struggle

Looking back now, I remember thinking that I had to keep a close watch on him. His friends were nice boys, but some came from some homes with alcoholic parents, nonbelievers, and most had very few boundaries and rules to follow. I could see Julian start to make unwise decisions while at school, or after school while hanging out with his friends. At first I thought he was a follower and his friends were infl uencing him to make bad choices. Nope. Julian was usually the instigator of the wrongdoing. He even told me so. He was easily bored. His mind was so sharp that he needed constant distractions to keep him from sliding into bad behavior to keep his mind occupied.

And Julian was funny. Very funny. He would make other kids laugh in class, or do something dumb to make the situation lighter or to make a teacher laugh.

At age 14, in the middle school he attended, two boys were harassing him in math class and they took his phone. One of the boys swung his fi st at Julian; and when he stood up to defend himself, the teacher arrived just in time to see Julian swinging at the boy who hit him. As a consequence, Julian was suspended and placed in an alternative school. Unbeknown to me, two weeks into the alternative school, the same two boys were put in Julian’s class— imagine that!—and they continued to bully him, tripping Julian in the hallways. Even though I knew Julian acted out at times, he was doing nothing to provoke this behavior from the two boys. On the third bullying incident, Julian had had enough and he punched back. The school wouldn’t even allow us to have a say about what happened—that it was a result of the school’s unconscionable act of placing of the two boys in Julian’s class. The school voted to expel him.

I was left scrambling to find a new school, and was so excited about the new Technological and Creative Arts-based junior and senior high school that offered a two-year college degree upon graduation. Julian was accepted because he was a straight A student. I knew they could keep his mind occupied with all the courses they offered. Plus, there were many musically gifted students there who could challenge him.

The new school was so promising and Julian loved it—and was loved because he made the students and the teachers laugh. He carried his guitar with him around the school and was flourishing creatively, it was going so beautifully.

Then I received a call while at work on a Friday afternoon telling me that Julian was caught watching pornography on his phone and was showing it to other boys. I was sick. I truly did not know he had access to that because I had safeguards put on his phone. There was no discussion for an option. He was immediately expelled.

STRIKE TWO

I was now out of options in my town.

But God.

I was directed to a woman who had a Christian-based school in her home, and she sat with us to discuss Julian’s future. She accepted Julian into her program. Denise, the director, would pray for Julian, and we often did spiritual warfare together over the children. She was one of the first who began to teach me spiritual warfare, and how to battle against satan’s agenda to steal, kill, and destroy our children and break up families.

At this stage in his teenage years, Julian was getting louder and more verbal in his aggression toward me as his mom. He was moody and angry and would have fits of rage. I had holes in my walls, furniture broken—and at times he would act like he wanted to hurt me. I truly didn’t understand where all the rage was coming from. These outbursts continued for a few years.

During this time, I had a talk with Julian’s dad, and we decided it would be best if he went and lived with Jim in Arlington, about 45 minutes away. At first it seemed like a good move, even though it made me sad to be separated from him.

Jim did not keep a close watch on him and Julian started visiting the girl who lived across the street. They began a relationship behind everyone’s back. Julian later told me that he lost his virginity to this neighbor girl. Within weeks, she broke it