Be The First: People of Colour, Imposter Syndrome and the Struggle to Succeed in a White World

By Caroline Flanagan

Imposter Syndrome is different for people of colour.

You don't just feel like an imposter, you are one. You're the only one in the room. There are no leaders who look like you. The system is broken and has to change. But in this book, Caroline Flanagan challenges you to step up and play your part too.

Caroline has always been an impo

• Language: English
• Publisher: Known Publishing
• Release date: Mar 11, 2021
• ISBN: 9781913717322

Book preview

PROLOGUE

I’m standing at the front of the room, and as usual, I’m feeling anxious. The room is hot and stuffy and quickly filling up with lawyers. Although I’m feeling thirsty, I can’t allow myself to drink because of the adrenalin racing around my body. If I pick up a glass now the water will swirl, and everyone will see how nervous I am.

My name is Caroline Flanagan…

Minutes later, my nerves are forgotten, I’m feeling calmer and my talk is in full swing. I’ve set the stage, grabbed the audience’s attention with a powerful start, and I’m at that bit in the talk where I share my story and open up my soul to the audience. I tell them all about my experience as a woman of colour making her way through a white world.

With 10 years’ experience as a speaker, I’ve shared my story many times before. I’ve said, black people and lady of the jungle and people like us; I’ve talked openly about racism and prejudice and identity in front of thousands of people, but it never gets easier to stand on the stage and share your Imposter Syndrome and the moments when you’ve felt most alone. And each time the irony is never lost on me: nine times out of ten, I’m still one of the only black faces in the room.

I scan the audience and I’m happy to see most of them leaning forward with focused eyes, which tells me they’re engaged. Some have crossed their arms, but when I make eye contact, they smile. I pause and take it all in: the size and demographic of the audience, the energy levels in the room, the inquisitive expressions on their faces while they try to deduce whether today’s talk is going to be a waste of time or not. Most of them hate public speaking and wouldn’t dare to stand up on stage and be in my shoes right now. But that doesn’t stop them judging, having high expectations. And why shouldn’t they? Time is precious after all.

I’m standing there sharing the pivotal moment in my story when, on the first day of primary school, I look around me and realise I’m the only black pupil – not in the class, but in the whole school. I want them to get the sense of how isolated I felt then, so I use the expression one black face in a sea of white faces. It’s a strong image and I do it deliberately to convey the loneliness and isolation of it all. I pause to let it sink in.

My eyes scan the room taking in all the white faces and then suddenly, they stop. There, in the third row from the back, I see a black face. It’s a black face in a sea of white faces. Our eyes meet and for a minute my eye contact falters. And in that moment, I step beyond myself and the reliving of my complex story and realise that I am describing her life, the experience she is living, right now. For the white faces in the room, my story is a dramatic example of one of the many ways Imposter Syndrome can show up. But for the woman in the third row, it’s not an example. It’s her life.

Whenever I deliver a talk on Imposter Syndrome, whether it’s to leading international firms or large global corporates, the real value that my audience gets goes beyond the deeper knowledge and understanding of what Imposter Syndrome is and how it works. It is also the discovery that Imposter Syndrome is common and the realisation that they are not alone.

If they’re a white person in the audience, they get to leave the room feeling lighter, elevated by a new-found connection with those who’ve experienced my talk. But if they’re the woman of colour in the third row, or a person like her, it’s different. Yes, she may leave the room better informed, just like her white colleagues, but crucially, she doesn’t get to leave the room feeling more connected and with a renewed sense of belonging. When she goes back to her desk in her top-tier law firm in the City of London, she is still the only black face. She is still alone.

INTRODUCTION

Why I wrote this book

Not enough people of colour are progressing their career or making it into leadership positions at the top. This is a problem because that’s where decisions are made, cultures are created and social and economic status is gained. As long as the most lucrative and influential positions stay white, people of colour will never be equal. As a person of colour and mother of four black boys, I care deeply about this. It’s why I wrote this book.

I also care that not enough people of colour are realising their potential. This matters too. To realise your potential is to bet on yourself and go all-in on what life has to offer. This involves setting ambitious goals you have no idea how to reach, heading off on the road to achieving them and rising to the challenges you’ll encounter along the way – even when it’s hard, even though you won’t always succeed. What you get in return is the deep satisfaction of having lived life to the full, of having tested your limits and of having grown and evolved into a better version of yourself along the way. Anything short of this, and you’re not fully living.

The system is broken

There are two reasons why people of colour aren’t getting to the top or fulfilling their potential. The first is because of the system, which is unfair because it favours white people. There is a diversity problem, an inclusion problem and a racism problem. This system acts as an external barrier to progression that keeps people of colour down. I want to be clear that whatever you read in this book is no substitute for the urgent need for organisations and institutions to root out and eradicate the systemic bias inherent within their cultures.

The way you think about yourself is broken

The second reason is that people of colour suffer from a unique form of Imposter Syndrome that holds them back. As a person of colour striving to succeed in a white world, this is not only about the self-doubt you feel on the inside. It’s about how you are treated by others as a minority, which compounds and aggravates this self-doubt. As a result, you play small, avoid opportunities that could progress your career, and you give up on hard-won careers because you don’t think you have what it takes to succeed and progress any further.

The system needs to be fixed

Of course, as people of colour, we aren’t the only ones having to find ways to navigate our careers in a white world. I’m sure that if I polled the LGBT community, those of mixed abilities and the women’s community, I could argue the same issues on their behalf. But there’s a difference, and it’s an important one: organisations have been actively pouring money, energy and resources into boosting gender diversity and LGBT diversity, and are at pains to keep track of the results. Few are showing the same commitment to racial diversity and equality and, as a result, people of colour are being left behind.

Most people accept that the system is broken and needs to be fixed. Organisations need to commit to improving diversity, making their cultures more inclusive and stamping out racism. Organisations know this, but either they aren’t doing anything or they aren’t doing enough. I don’t need to overwhelm you with data to prove this. Take a look around you, and you’ll see it. Even for the organisations who are finally showing some sort of commitment to changing things, progress is excruciatingly slow. Cultures aren’t overthrown in a day.

No more waiting. It’s time to step up

That’s why we also need a second solution, and that is for people of colour like you to stop holding yourselves back and step up to your potential. Little is being said right now about the role that you are playing in keeping yourself stuck. At a time when the finger is being pointed at organisations and institutions that need to change, no one wants to come out and point the finger at those who have been the victims of an unjust system for generations. But I’m going to put my head above the parapet and do it. Not because we are the problem. Not because we need fixing. But because if we want things to change any time soon, we need to be part of the solution.

In 2019, I sat on the panel at an authenticity talk for the Black Solicitors Network, and I was struck by the frustration and anger felt by people of colour about their experience of striving to succeed in a white world. We discussed the micro-aggressions and the shocking examples of blatant racism people of colour are still being subjected to. Having been the only person of colour in the room for most of my childhood and throughout my professional life, I felt the same pain and hurt. I listened to how the lack of role models, the lack of inclusion and the threats to authenticity encountered by people of colour were preventing people of colour from making it to the top and it sounded all too familiar. But a part of me rebelled against the powerlessness in the room. I reflected on my journey to date, the challenges I’d faced and how I had overcome these and I felt a burning longing to talk more about where power comes from and the extraordinary results we can create when we find the power in ourselves and we use it. Toni Morrison said, If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, you must be the one to write it.

This personal empowerment book is the book I want to read when the odds are against me and I need to find a way to win. I hope this book will be the same for you.

The system needs fixing. But when we only talk about what is wrong outside of us we overlook what’s going on within us. This is to our cost for two reasons:

We give away our power: we depend on the white majority to solve the problem and, for as long as they choose not to do this, or are slow and resistant to it, we are stuck with the way things are. We can appeal to their sense of fairness and their morals, we can try to shame and guilt them into change. But if our success depends entirely on trying to control how others behave, we’ll never be free.

We are still left with our internal struggle: even when the system is fixed, we will still have our own internal barriers to overcome – self-doubt, the fear of failure and the legacy of racism that makes us doubt our value and question our right to be here or reach for the top. Without the tools to overcome them, these internal barriers will continue to hold you back long after the systemic barriers to progression that you currently face fall away.

This book aims to change that. It will give you back your power so you have more control, more confidence and the motivation to stay on track so you can fulfil more of your potential, and in doing so become part of the solution.

Why you need this book

As a person of colour struggling to succeed in a white world, progressing your career can feel like a battle you can’t win because so much about you is different to those who are succeeding around you. When the odds are against you like this, it’s easy to think you’re powerless, but you’re not. This book will remind you how powerful you are and provide you with the tools to channel that power into making a difference, to yourself and to the world.

It does this first by giving you a deeper understanding of your unique form of Imposter Syndrome (Part I: You are an Imposter). Then, it shows you how to transcend the external barriers that are holding you back (Part II: The Battle Against Systemic Bias). It will then give you a powerful practical tool that will give you instant courage and lasting confidence so you can realise your true potential (Part III: The Battle Against Self-Doubt).

A new look at Imposter Syndrome

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t in a hurry to write a book about Imposter Syndrome, even though it has been one of my areas of expertise for several years. There has been no shortage of books, research papers and surveys on the subject in recent years. I wasn’t in a hurry to write a book about Imposter Syndrome generally that would get lost in the noise.

And then I saw your one black face in the sea of white faces, and I made the connection between the battles I have fought my whole life and the same battle you are in, and I understood how different your experience of Imposter Syndrome is to that of your white peers and colleagues. This meant that the usual solutions for coping with Imposter Syndrome which hadn’t worked for me in the past, wouldn’t work for you either. Like me, you need something more. Reflecting on how I’ve managed to achieve success as an imposter in a white world, I realised that I was uniquely positioned to provide it.

That something more is a powerful tool which I created in 2015 as a solution to my own Imposter Syndrome. That tool helped me turn my Imposter Syndrome from a weakness that was holding me back, into a strength that gave me the courage, motivation and inspiration to fulfil more of my potential. I have overcome the legacy of systemic bias and the trappings of my own self-doubt, and I’ve achieved more than I would have previously imagined possible. This tool has been, and continues to be, transformational for me and it can be the same for you. In this book, I’m going to show you how to create it for yourself and how to put it to use in the real world so that you too can fulfil your enormous potential.

What it means to be the first

Most people think that being the first is about being the first one to cross the finish line. Sometimes this is the case. Sometimes, like Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela, Tiger Woods, Wataru Misaka or Simone Biles, you really are the first person of colour to be promoted, hold a certain leadership position, or blaze a trail and this is an extraordinary, remarkable achievement. But being the first isn’t always about being the first across the line. In this book, I’m going to show you that the final achievement is not the only way to be the first and, while it is hugely significant in many ways, it is not the most important. What is more important, and what it means to truly be the first, is to be the imposter in the room and still throw your heart and soul into trying to succeed. It’s being the one who doesn’t belong and who feels excluded; the one who has no role models to follow and who must constantly weigh up the opportunity to succeed and the risk to their authenticity, and for whom the path to success is so lonely at times, it feels like you’re the first. Being the first means being the imposter, yet still showing up with the courage and determination to succeed. This book is an opportunity to build a stronger, more powerful identity and to leverage that identity as a tool for progressing your career and fulfilling our greatest potential.

Why people of colour?

When I first came up with the idea for this book, I was proud and excited to talk about what it would do for the BAME – Black Asian and Minority Ethnic Origin – community. Towards the end of 2019, this expression was a generally accepted term amongst my corporate clients for grouping all ethnic minorities together, in a bid to provide us with more targeted career support and professional development.

Personally, I did not find this insulting or frustrating. I have spent years studying and working in environments where the challenges of being black in a white world were never openly acknowledged. As a result, I felt genuinely excited to see our specific challenges being recognised in the corporate space as in need of special attention if we are to succeed in making it to the top. And I have been excited, through my keynote talks and executive coaching, to play my part in supporting such initiatives.

However, since then the acronym BAME, with its implication that all ethnic minorities are the same, has provoked immense and intense frustration, and even anger. Many of you resent being grouped into one homogenous group and treated as if we are all the same. In response to this, I decided to drop all references in the book to BAME (except where it is part of a reference). Not because I disapprove of it, nor because I felt pressured to do so. Simply because there is an important message in this book that I want you to hear. If the expression BAME is a barrier that could prevent you from hearing it, I’m only too happy to let it go.

I have chosen people of colour instead.

Of course, some of you will hate the expression people of colour too! But you can’t please everybody all of the time. If this is you, I invite you to read the book in the spirit in which it was intended: to empower, motivate and support you as a high potential member of a minority group to succeed against the odds, fulfil your amazing potential and be the change we want to see in the world.

Lastly, a word about names.

Throughout the book, you’ll find examples and case studies relating to clients, friends, colleagues and people I’ve encountered along the way. Please note that unless otherwise stated and in the interests of maintaining confidentiality, I have not used their real names.

PART I

YOU ARE AN IMPOSTER

INTRODUCTION TO PART I

In Part I, we explore the origins and symptoms of the unique form of self-doubt we call Imposter Syndrome. We’ll discover who Imposter Syndrome affects, the reasons it shows up and the impact it is having on you, both personally and professionally.

Then we look at Imposter Syndrome in high potential people of colour who are striving for success in a white world. You’ll discover that people of colour with Imposter Syndrome face a double challenge because they are fighting two battles, rather than one. We’ll discuss the specific experiences of people of colour in the workplace, and the personal and aspirational costs that result from this.

I’ll then share my personal experience of Imposter Syndrome as a person of colour who has been striving for success in a white world my whole life, and who has learned how to win. You’ll learn that the barriers you face in your workplace don’t have to stop you or hold you back. Although the battles you are facing are hard, they are battles you can win because you are so much more powerful than you may think.

CHAPTER 1

DISCOVERING YOU HAVE

IMPOSTER SYNDROME

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.

– MARCEL PROUST

Welcome to Imposter Syndrome

It’s happening again. Panic. Shortness of breath. There’s a rock-hard knot of anxiety forming in the pit of my stomach.

When I get like this it’s difficult to breathe. My palms become sweaty, my cheeks begin to burn and it feels as though the walls are closing in on me. But worse than any of this is the voice of fear and dread that whispers threateningly in my ear each and every time. Its tone may vary. The choice of words may change. But the warning is always the same: You shouldn’t be here! Don’t do it! Your luck will run out and you’ll fail. And when that happens, you’ll be exposed and lose everything.

Welcome to Imposter Syndrome.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do you, like me, have an inner voice that issues terrified warnings from deep inside you when you’re about to take on a challenge or you’ve been assigned a new task? Does your inner voice tell you that you don’t deserve your success and that everyone else around you is more qualified to seize the opportunity in front of you? Do you believe you are a fraud and live in permanent fear of being found out?

If the answer to any of the above is yes, then the chances are you have Imposter Syndrome – a unique form of self-doubt which acts as a silent tormentor to a purported 75% of the population at some point in their life. If you’re reading this book, I’m guessing you’re one of them.

In this chapter I’m going to explain exactly what Imposter Syndrome is (and what it is not), who it affects and the havoc it is wreaking on the self-esteem, performance and mental health of high potential people just like you. I will give you a clear understanding of this fascinating phenomenon. If you’re already familiar with Imposter Syndrome, it will serve as a helpful reminder. If you’re new to Imposter Syndrome, it will tell you exactly what you need to know. By the end of this chapter, you’ll know and understand exactly what it is so you can recognise it in yourself and contemplate the effect it may be having on your life. Discovering you have Imposter Syndrome is the first step to owning it.

I suffered from Imposter Syndrome long before I knew what it was. When I finally made the discovery, it wasn’t just a relief to know it was actually a thing, it was life-changing.

DISCOVERING I’M NOT ALONE

On a bleak January morning in 2006, I dragged myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5.20am and crept as quietly as I could downstairs. Two-year-old Dylan and 6-month-old Noah were still fast asleep, and I was determined to keep it that way. That first peaceful hour of the day, before kids and husband and the world start demanding my attention, was (and still is) the most precious thing to