Pain Without End: The Lifelong Effects of Childhood Bullying

By David I. Steiner

Mr. Steiner wrote this book as part of his journey to understand and to cope with his childhood and young adulthood memories. He continues to struggle with depression and paranoia and recently overcame his struggle with Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

He and his wife now live in a secluded mountain town in the northeast. They

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing
• Release date: Oct 5, 2020
• ISBN: 9781649900159

Book preview

PREFACE

A

s you may have surmised from the combination of this book's title and the dedication page, Pain Without End is not a textbook. But it's not quite the author's memoirs, either. It could be said this book is one volume of said memoirs. It could also be said that it is a message, a warning, a lesson, or simply a cry for sympathy. In truth, it is a little bit of each of these things.

Until recently, bullying was a subject that few accepted as a call for open dialog. Had it not been for the advent of the World Wide Web, and incidents such as the tragedy that took place inside the walls of Columbine High School, the victims of bullying might very well still be suffering in relative silence. But, true to form, the problem had to evolve and to escalate and lives had to actually be lost to more than the occasional reported suicide before the general public was willing to accept that it was (and still is) faced with a very real problem, and that it cannot simply sweep that problem under the proverbial rug.

No longer can we take a blasé attitude toward this subject. No longer can we simply say things like, kids will be kids, expecting everything to be OK in the end. In fact, Pain Without End is a testament to the fact that we never should have done so in the first place. It is not merely one victim's story. It is a volume that speaks for many, through the voice of one. For many victims live out their lives unwilling to speak up. They continue to fear reprisals, and with good reason. Far too often do adults look upon other adults who were once victims of childhood bullying as big babies for being unwilling to or incapable of hiding their unhealed wounds. Their pain and their anger are multiplied by those who refuse to acknowledge their validity. Statements like, suck it up, get over it, and it was such a long time ago, you should just let it go become as the taunts and acts of aggression themselves once were.

This is a book that needed to be written by its author, and it is definitely a book that truly needs to be read by the parents of bullies, the parents of the victims of said bullies, former bullies, and the eternal victims whose lives they have trashed. It should be read by anyone who has ever told a victim to suck it up. It should be read and it should be thoroughly and properly digested, because the next person who tells the author to grow up and get over it is likely to face an explosion of white, hot rage fierce enough to make the evening news.

For many people, the concept of bullying is reduced to either outdated or over simplistic notions and images conjured up and reinforced by books, movies and television programs. Nearly everyone in America can name a handful of schoolyard bullies from either their own past experiences, or from the imaginative minds of authors and various entertainment media. In the popular motion picture, A Christmas Story, Scott Fargas and a single accomplice known as a toady terrorized whomever they could in and just outside of Warren G. Harding Elementary School. The narrator, representing the adult voice of the movie's main character, Ralphie, made reference to the existence of other bullies and toadies, but not by name. Nor was any credence given to the notions of their bullying reaching the lives of victims beyond the constraints of the average school day, or said bullies rounding up masses of followers, including but limited to easily influenced friends of their victims.(1) In the movie, Christine, it was Buddy Reparton and a small band of cronies that terrorized the main character. But even though Christine did have scenes that involved both bullying outside of school and the joining in of otherwise disinterested parties with the bullying ringleader, it also presented the illusion that a victim could easily end his torment by going through acceptable, designated channels.(2) Admittedly, the bullies in this case did escalate to attacking the main character off campus after being dispatched by school personnel, but the fact remains that Arnie's classroom torment was handled by a single call for help. In real life, even when the offending party already has a long standing history of bullying, each victim must endure seeing his or her case being handled as if they are the very first to be on the receiving end of his or her bully's aggression. Many people also claim to understand that bullying in the 21st Century has evolved via technological advancements such as the internet and the mobile devices that offer instantaneous worldwide network access. Sadly, however, this evolution is a farce, and those who think they understand it are actually quite ignorant to the facts. Children have never needed electronics or social media to establish their vicious Mafioso-like social cliques, to put out physical or psychological hits on their victims, nor have they needed them in order to carry out said hits.

The media are also responsible for lessening the significance of bullying in the public eye by means of creating a fantasy world in which victims not only have easy means by which to escape their aggressors, but circles of protective friends of higher social standings, as well. However well-intentioned the writers of the 1990s television show, Saved By The Bell(3) might have been, for instance, the lovable, kind hearted character known as Samuel Screech Powers would have never survived in the public schools I attended, nor in any of the schools attended by those with whom I spoke on the subject during the composition of this book. In real life, outcasts, geeks and nerds do not have popular friends who stick up for them. In real life, these poor souls do not have normal romantic relationships, either. This is usually due to two key factors. First, it is because being associated with an outcast of high school social cliques makes one an outcast him or herself. This opens one up to being as much of a target as the outcast whom (s)he is trying to date, or simply to befriend. Second, it is because in many cases, teenagers are singled out by their peers based upon things that make them different, such as physical, mental or emotional abilities or deficiencies, physical appearance, clothing choices, the reputations of their siblings, the list goes on. In cases where the victims have been suffering from emotional difficulties that hinder their social development, they are never given the opportunity to gain confidence in themselves, nor to learn the ways of love, so to speak. Their behavior around potential love interests becomes more and more awkward with every attempt to initiate a relationship, rather than evolving into that which would tend to attract a romantic partner.

As one might well imagine, the inability to attract a mate in a high school setting detracts from one's ability to be accepted into established social circles. Additionally, acceptance into many of the cliques is contingent upon possessing a degree of commonality with existing members. In my high school, located in Westchester County, New York, during the 1980s, the predominant cliques were called the Jocks, the Guidos, the Geeks, the Stoners, the Head-Bangers, or Metal-Heads, and then there were a few groups with no absolute, defined labels whatsoever. Mostly us outcasts.

While their appearances and reputations were foreboding to most outside the clique, in truth, the most accepting of these groups to newcomers were the Head-Bangers. The only real qualifying point was an interest in listening to hard core Heavy Metal music. In fact, a good deal of the Head Bangers were listening to Metal and dressing like hoodlums as ways of venting frustration and angst brought on by society, and in many cases, by being shunned by the other existing cliques.

The Jocks, as their name implied, were the school athletes. Some of them did not let their physical abilities over-inflate their egos to the point of arrogance, but all of them enjoyed a high level of