The Ibiza Report

By Derf Nögard

Darling Jane

This feels funny writing to you, but Grandfather insisted it was the best way to keep in touch now you are at school every day. The thing is, he has persuaded me (or to be honest, bullied me) into going with Great Aunt Nettie in her car through France and across the sea to Ibiza.

He's the one who should be go

• Language: English
• Publisher: Derf Nögard
• Release date: Jul 31, 2020
• ISBN: 9781913704308

Book preview

Chapter One

Well ... I arrived at Nettie’s house early and on time as instructed. Clean and decent, spines washed and straightened, claws cleared of all debris. A thoroughly nice well-behaved young dragon, all ready for the off. BUT .... Nettie was not ready. The car was however full up to the roof with a complete household of goods. The front passenger seat was occupied with three large boxes, topped by a wrapped tray labelled ‘cheese sandwiches’. I was looking at where I might sit when Nettie’s loud voice boomed out behind me.

‘You will sit in the back Fred. I’ve given you a cushion to sit on’.

‘But there’s not room there, I shall be jammed in under the roof and not be able to look out’.

‘You don’t need to look out, I’m doing all the driving’.

‘lf we moved some of those pans from under the cushion it might be better. Or even a couple of boxes from the front seats so I could see signposts and help’.

‘I shall read all signposts; I’ve brought my glasses’.

‘But you always forget to put them on and turn left instead of right. Grandfather said I must help, that’s why I’m coming with you’.

‘Stop being so argumentative. You used to be such a nice little boy, now you argue and disagree all the time. Most annoying, here am I taking you on a good foreign trip to broaden your mind, and you argue’.

‘Please can I sit in the front seat? I can see then and possibly be of help’

‘All right then, I’ve time to move those boxes if Gladys gives me a hand’. Gladys, hearing her name called, stepped forward.

She’s a girl from the village, or at least Nettie refers to her as such. Actually, she’s an enormous middle aged woman, built like a Russian stevedore and incredibly strong. Nettie is always going on about how helpful she is, complaining as she does so of her own ‘mini-muscles’ even when she tries to open a tonic water bottle.

‘Move these boxes Gladys, there’s no room for Master Fred’.

‘But madam, I told you that but you insisted that he could go in the back’.

‘Well obviously he needs to be in the front to see road signs and such. I need him beside me, not in the back’. Gladys gave a massive shrug of her shoulders and raised her eyes up beyond her forehead, at the same time giving me an enormous wink. Quite a feat! She moved the boxes in a couple of ticks. ‘That suit you madam’.

‘Yes, thank you. Ask me before you move things in future’. Gladys winked at me again, and I smiled back. We both know Nettie’.

So ... when everything was as required, Nettie went in for her hat and glasses, I settled in the front seat. Gladys hung about in case of further instructions and we talked through the open window.

‘I hope you have a good trip Master Fred. She would have had you glued upside down on the roof if you hadn’t spoken up. Tied up with brown paper and string with sticky tape over your mouth to stop you from complaining.

‘Grandfather insisted I go and help her out of difficulties’.

‘She’ll get into plenty of those. I wish you all the very best and hope you get there in one piece’.

‘Grandfather’s intending to overfly and hopefully see us all safe and sound. Has he turned up yet?’

‘Not that I’ve seen, but you never know with him, he’s not there, then is he, then he isn’t. Such a big fella, he really should give notice of arrivals and departures’.

‘Yes, I agree, but that’s not remotely likely, but he IS such a great comfort and smooths the way until you can’t remember what the trouble was to worry about’.

Nettie now came bustling out of the house, with her hat and glasses both firmly in place to prove her capabilities. Gladys opened the car door for her, and with a lot of wriggles and adjustments of her seat, she pronounced herself ready to go. We all waited with bated breath for the engine to be switched on ... but No! There was an inevitable final thing.

‘Gladys, those boxes you moved are in the wrong place. I cannot see through the back window’.

‘But the wing mirrors both sides show you all you need to see’.

‘No Gladys, they only show part. The boxes must be moved’. Gladys opened the door, removed the boxes and put them on the ground. ‘That do you madam?’

‘No, that will not do, they must be found some other space’.

‘There is no other space, they’ll have to stay here and be left behind’.

‘That is not possible. Find another space’.

I decided it was time I said something, so I piped up

‘What is in those boxes Aunt Nettie? Could it be something not completely essential?’ There was a silence that fell like a big black cloud so even the birds stopped singing. Nettie turned to face me and her one good eye flashed sparks and almost frizzled me up.

‘Those are my Sunday supplements from the past year. I save them up to take with me because I have no time to read them here, my busy life doesn’t give me time during the year. In the