Terrrence Goes Too Far (The Dog Prime Minister Series Book 3)

By Mike Stone

In this third book in the series, Terrrence’s political career is going from strength to strength; no dog has ever done so much for canine-kind. As Minister for Dogs, he has improved the lives of dogs all over the nation, bringing happiness, careers, playfights and travel passes to all. His ground-breaking move to allow dogs

• Language: English
• Publisher: IAM Self-Publishing
• Release date: May 22, 2018
• ISBN: 9781912615117

Mike Stone

MICHAEL STONE is a priest who was found by the Episcopal Church after being nourished by myriad and seemingly unrelated stops along the way: ordained Southern Baptist ministry, participation in almost every mainline Christian denomination and study in five differently confessional seminaries (Roman Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, Episcopal and United Methodist), preparation for a professorship in Hebrew Bible, teaching high school math, coaching wrestling, teaching speed-reading and comprehensions lessons to students from 3-99, construction, direct-mail marketing, fishing for salmon in Alaska, and being built up by love after having puffed himself up with knowledge. He is the grateful spouse of Rebecca and the proud father of two children, Daniel and Emory, and caretaker of his canine associate, Maggie the goldendoodle. He eccentrically makes soap, competes in long-distance races, mills grain, produces stained glass windows and custom cabinetry, plays the guitar, shops at livestock auctions, and wants to know more about, well, everything.

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank my sweet wife Cate for her patience in supporting me. I was forever frollicking with her in the bath to bounce ideas, or dragging her off to cafes to decide how many crocodiles we needed, or asking her to re-re-read excerpts.

I would also like to thank Sally Fox for helping me brainstorm, in pubs, and cafés, about animals in politics. I also wish to thank my brilliant publisher Leila Dewji, and my amazing publicist Ben Cameron.

And finally, thanks to the real Izzie, Cate’s beautiful Border Collie and walking companion, whose photo is here:

I thought it interesting, funny and well done, as well as being curiously topical as we watch the dissolution of our political system, and the contempt most of our politicians are held in by the public.

- Julian Fellowes

THE AUTHOR

Mike was educated at Harrow, which was a bit like Hogwarts, and Oxford, which was a bit like Brideshead. His parents were both Captains of Sunningdale Golf Club. But he settled in London’s unfashionable suburb, Palmers Green, and became a Maths teacher in comprehensives. He then sold computers, and wrote musicals.

Then he married. But he did not calm down. With his wife Cate, he busked all over town. When their beautiful son Rafi was born, they got a beautiful puppy, Izzie, to make up the foursome. Mike took to walking Izzie on Hampstead Heath, where he noted how clever and sociable all the dogs were, just like Izzie.

There formed in Mike’s mind a belief that in the old mansion above the Heath lived an old Duke of Hampstead with his 6 rescue dogs, plus Grizelda his niece, with her 4 cats. Thus began this series about dogs, crocodiles, racehorses, a mole and a Spanish rat, all involved in animal rights and politics.

MAIN CHARACTERS

MAIN DOGS

Terrrence Grrr, Jack Russell, late-developing Terrier

Izzie Van Straubenzee, beautiful Border Collie

Strictly, 3-legged ex-Derby-winning Greyhound

Reservoir, Mastiff, Head of Security

HUMANS

Orinoco Orwell, Labour MP, leftie grandson of George

Sir Boblet Robert, Cabinet Secretary

Graham Foggia, Police Commander

Barnaby Noel, Prime Minister

Gordon Darkside, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Professor Monty Carlo, Oxford don.

OTHER ANIMALS

El Ratton, Spanish philosopher rat

Cardew and Tallulah, crocodile couple

Melvyn Drillbit, mole

Draxey, paranoid fox

OTHER DOGS

Dot, lovely old crossbreed bitch

Cocaine Charlie, violent drug-dealing mastiff

Slasher Barkobedian, pitbull, Charlie’s Wing Dog

Tamara Ridgeback, heiress daughter of Ronnie Ridgeback

Vladette, Russian Husky princess.

== CHAPTER 1 ==

Such A Good Minister For Dogs

Terrrence leaped up onto the Government front bench like a Doglympic high jumper. To get extra height, he then stood on his pile of books. He declared, without hesitation,

Dogs are born free, Mr Speaker, but everywhere they are on leads. Too often they are fed rubbish, denied foreign travel, confused by silly owners, and not respected as citizens. And also, too often, dogs are left - left for hours, till their owners return from the pub, in damp laundry rooms, without water, or left freezing outside. Or even worse, they are trapped indoors with flabby owners watching endless TV repeats.

A murmur of admiration sounded round the House of Commons. This was clearly a strong, confident Minister. This dog meant business. Everyone in the House was impressed, except Chancellor Gordon Darkside, who already hated the little Jack Russell. Gordon was hoping to become Prime Minister as soon as possible, and this slick upstart terrier could clearly stick his wet button-nose right up the works.

Terrrence could sense that he was annoying Gordon, and grinned at him to make him even more angry. Terrrence then continued, I will see to it that dogs are better treated, able to get out and about, get paid work, and even able to vote. For there are no bad dogs, Mr Speaker,only bad owners.

The House was still intrigued. Here was a new Minister for Dogs, who could speak with passion and knowledge about his subject, without referring to any notes.

Terrrence continued, To improve the lives of dogs, I will establish dog-only parks in every area, with caring dog wardens to supervise them. These zones will, of course, be cat-free. I will also establish free immunization for puppies, free dog psychiatrists, free travel passes for dogs, more wards for dogs in human hospitals, and the compulsory warming of thermometers when taking the temperature of a dog’s bottom.

Hear, hear, went the approving Members of Parliament, who had received many complaints from dogs about this subject.

Terrrence continued, Obese dogs will be made to take exercise with their owners, and failing that a new owner will be found, who will put puffy pooches on a diet. If that fails, unfit dogs will have to join the Army and get fit through parachute jumping. I will encourage dog dating for lonely dogs. And as a happiness test, every dog will have a waggometer.

After an hour, Terrrence finished his masterpiece of a speech, and left the House. He walked straight out of Parliament, followed by his team of advisors, - Reservoir his bodyguard mastiff, Ratton his Spanish speechwriting rat, Strictly the 3-legged greyhound ipad expert, and the blind mole Melvyn Drillbit. They began a long and pleasant promenade though Central London, back to their Ministry For Dogs, with the enthralled public flocking after them. They reached Travalgar Square. There was a terrific buzz in the crowd, who knew how Terrrence had saved the lives of every Londoner, and how, before that, he had been plagued by doubts about his political identity, and even suffered from low self-esteem, but had bounced back and was now a senior Minister.

The crowd grew even bigger, because Ratton had released Terrrence’s speech on-line as soon as he uttered it. People and dogs poured into Central London to celebrate together. This was a walkies not to miss. Terrrence’s Ministry team were so overwhelmed by the crowds that the police advised them to nip into the National Gallery, and hide in its cafe, until the crowds had thinned. This they did.

When they came out later, Terrrence noticed Police Commander Graham Foggia apparently arresting some bitch in a wheelchair, who looked remarkably like Izzie, the border collie, and former love of his life. But he could not be sure, and didn’t much care, because Izzie had betrayed him. Anyway, the surge of the crowd carried him and his team past the National Gallery and onwards towards Bow Wow Street, where his Ministry was.

When they got there, Bernado, the giant tortoise, supposedly guarding the building, blinked wearily as Terrrence and his team jumped over him. They ran inside, and up the shabby staircase to their main office on the first floor. They all sat at the old wood table in the centre of the room.

Terrrence asked, Well guys, what did you think of my speech?

Aw, it woz triff, Terry, grunted Reservoir. All that stuff about a new era for dogs. Just triff.

I had tears in my eyes, said Strictly.

I was enchanted, murmured the mole Melvyn, even though I was high up in the Visitors’ Gallery and couldn’t see a thing. But I heard it all!

You made a very scintillating speech, boss, said Ratton, who had written it. "Excelente discourso."

Talk is easy, commented Terrrence. But we have to act right away. Our human staff here are doing a wonderful job, raising money from the petfood makers. And I want them to continue doing that. This week alone, they’ve got in over £150,000 from Pedigree Chum, Purina, Bakers Complete and Proplan. We need that money, and even more. Because, my friends, as you know, we are all alone.

Terrrence, nervous and intense, got up and started to pace up and down the room. Completely on our own! Politics is a tough game. With no mercy asked, and none given. Remember, folks, although I have been appointed Minister for Dogs by the Prime Minister, my position is not safe. Because the PM is always bunking off abroad. Lately he’s been golfing in Hong Kong, ballroom dancing in Boston, fine dining in Guatemala, wine-tasting in California, and singing to emperor penguins in the Antarctic. In his absence, Chancellor Gordon Darkside runs the country. But Gordon hates me.

It’s cos you’re so smart and good-looking, said Strictly.

And such a good Minister for Dogs, said Melvyn Drillbit.

An’ ‘ees such an ugly mug, said Reservoir.

Whatever the reason, shrugged Terrrence, he has refused us any Government money. Although we are part of the Government!

Politics is a tough game, sighed Strictly.

Even scary, said Melvyn Drillbit, twitching.

So we must try harder, amigos, insisted Ratton.

Yeah, nah whingeing, mates, said Reservoir.

Exactly, said Terrrence. No point in whingeing. We will be judged by results. And to get results, we need recruit at least 500 alpha dogs to carry through our dog policies.

Strictly asked, What alpha dogs do you have in mind? How shall we find them?

We’ll advertise on social media world-wide. And in all the dog magazines.

We’ll get applicants from all nations, declared Ratton. "Todo el mundo quiere vivir en Londres. (Everyone wants to live in London). Animales tanbien. (Animals included). But ‘ow do we choose the best?"

I’ve been giving that a lot of thought, said Terrrence. We’ll have to make them sit an exam. Terrrence handed round sheets of A4 paper. Here are some of the questions we might set our dog candidates. Please have a look, will you?

They all browsed through the list of questions:

1) Can you bark in Cockney, American and Scottish?

2) Can you sniff out a Malteser hidden somewhere in a Boeing 757 aircraft?

3) Can you puncture a Premiership football during a match and run off with it?

4) Can you wake the King by howling at midnight in The Mall?

5) Can you chew through an electrified 1-inch-thick steel cable?

6) Can you walk 100 metres underwater on the bed of the Thames?

7) Can you stay awake and enthusiastic throughout a Shakespeare play?

8) Can you play-fight with 12 puppies from Manchester all the way to Birmingham?

9) Discuss the following: BARKING IS TO BITING WHAT RUNNING IS TO FIGHTING.

These are great questions! yapped Strictly.

Could I have a copy in braille? asked Melvyn Drillbit. One of the human secretaries at the far end of the room switched on the braille machine.

Strictly continued, But I think we need physical tests as well. We should set up an agility course. We need to make sure our alpha dogs can sprint 5 miles through tunnels blindfold.

What tunnels? asked Reservoir.

Why, the Underground, of course.

What, even while the trains are running?

Of course!

Wicked! said Reservoir.

And make the candidates swing upside-down over lakes, while holding a puppy in the mouth, added Strictly, and do head-stands on top of the London Eye. Things I dream of doing. Strictly looked wistfully at the titanium stem which served as his 4th leg.

We could even ‘ave a doglympics? suggested Reservoir.

What about a paradoglympics? asked Strictly.

I think we’re getting off the point, warned Terrrence. I need you all to crack on with action this day, getting our 500 top dogs, right now.

"Por supuesto (of course), said Ratton, springing up. I’ll place our advertisements for alpha dogs on social media and magazines all over the world."

Reservoir offered, And I’ll get goin’ wiv them agility tests.

Grand, said Terrrence. I need those 500 alpha dogs soonest.

During the following weeks, under Terrrence’s leadership, the Ministry for Dogs began to change the landscape of doggy Britain.

1,000 super-intelligent alpha dogs were quickly invited from all over the world to London to sit entrance exams. Half passed.

The 500 successful candidates were housed in 5 boarding barracks of 100 dogs each, spread over London, in the boroughs of Enfield, Kensington, Brixton, Hackney and Havering. They were called the 5 K94U Squads. And they immediately began to see to it that all the promises Terrrence had made to Parliament were enacted, plus more.

Terrrence ordered that for 2 hours a day, these K94U squads should be companions for lonely old humans or be visitors of patients in hospices. There were also to be K94U litter patrols, dogs keeping order around schools, and dogs patrolling parks.

K94U Dogs were allocated to any citizen who felt the need for protection against dangerous dogs. K94U dogs were also appointed as mentors to such dangerous dogs. And Terrrence ordered that if such dangerous mutts continued to have attitude, they would be sent off to join the Royal Air force and learn to jump out of planes on parachutes and land on, and then crush, dictators all over the world.

K94U dogs were also to support depressed dogs of any age, accompanying them on of slap-happy weekends, chase-me conferences, and frolic away-days. The K94U dogs also served as play-fighting cheerleaders for older dogs who had lost the ability to laugh, and dance, especially the salsa. Immigrant dogs were given English barking lessons.

In farming, Ministry for Dogs dogs patrolled the countryside keeping badgers and cattle separated so that the disease of tuberculosis could not spread. They also attacked dogs who chased hares, called hare coursing, because it was, of course, too cruel on the poor hares.

K94U Dogs also clamped down on humans or dogs who stole or smuggled dogs. No more could crooks steal a pooch in Barnet, advertise it in Northumberland, and sell it inWeybridge. Offenders were given prison sentences. 40 higher-IQ cyber-savvy alpha dogs based in the Ministry under Strictly kept records on such crooks, and posted their details to the regulator Dogoff in the case of missing dogs, and Offdog in the case of dog traffickers.

Terrrence also ordered that all dog owners who selfishly tied their dogs to a tree or lampost while visiting the pub or the newsagent should themselves be tied to that tree or lampost for 72 hours.

He also ordered that K94U dogs were loaned to rough schools, to keep order within the classrooms of nervous trainee teachers.

In Summer, the fittest Ministry dogs who could swim were sent to all UK beaches to help swimmers during riptides.

Some K94U dogs were given valuable shares in Royal Mail, in return for protecting postmen from aggressive dogs in high crime areas.

Next, Terrrence got the builders in. He cleaned the tattered old exterior of Bow Street Magistrates Court, removing a century’s grime with a million gallons of sprayed water. Now the original stonework shone clean and cream. He removed the old shrivelled title above the front door, and replaced it with a huge MINISTRY FOR DOGS sign in blue marble, across the whole frontage of the building, with images of crossed bones at either end.

Within the Ministry building, Terrrence knocked down interior walls, so that most of the pokey offices were tranformed into bright open-plan spaces. He removed all the walls on the first floor, so that his own office was 1 gigantic room, 150 foot long, painted cream except for the ceiling, which depicted dozens of world breeds of dogs zooming in and out of sunlit clouds, against a background of stellar space, with comets, suns, moons and asteroids careering. He called this new office his Star Chamber.

Nor did Terrrence forget the wonderful work of his human civil servants. These humble folk, formerly rejects dumped in the backwaters of forgotten government offices, were getting in hundreds of thousands of pounds from dogfood manufacturers to keep the Ministry going. Terrrence rewarded these vital fund-raisers by giving them 10% of any money they raised, and having a pizza + Pino Grigio + singalong with them every other Thursday night.

By now, Terrrence was inspired by his own exuberance. The more he achieved, the more he wanted to achieve. Once they get going, Jack Russells know no bounds. Up and down his Star Chamber Terrrence rocketed all day, and often all night. He worked like a feverish mother dog, birthing dozens of new puppy ideas, and speechifying and explaining them to his faithful staff, who were entranced.

Terrrence shed new concepts like stardust, shaking his ears, wary of difficulties, sniffing at possibilities, calculating probabilities, destroying unintended consequences, stopping for a quick scratch, then continuing, wagging his tail, wiggling his bottom, arching his back, then stretching, and finally jumping onto his enormous new pine desk, to better discern fundamentals. He would then jump off his desk, stopping only to lap Evian with icecubes from his stone bowl, and then scooting around and marching back up the length of the Star Chamber, self-refreshing himself as if bionic, excercising in the parade grounds of his mind and body the full reach of his genius. He only occasionally took breaks to eat a bowl of brain food, such as mackerel, tuna, or Purina De Lux, plus fresh organic Waitrose salmon.

Terrrence also kept returning to the Commons to inform MPs about his rolling program of reform, even though the acting Prime Minister, Chancellor Gordon Darkside, hated every moment of his presence. Terrrence told the House how he had already established 8,000 dog-only parks all over Britain, with loving dog wardens to supervise them, backed up by travelling alpha dogs from the London-based K94U squads.

Nor did Terrrence forget other animals. For example, he established scholarships for pigs at Bristol University, and made it a law that every garden fence should have a hole at the bottom, to allow hedghogs free transit. The only species left out of these plans for other species was cats, for some reason.

Such was the Ministry work rate that Terrrence’s team put in 14 hour days, sitting at Terrrence’s vast desk at the far end of the Star Chamber. Their ears permenantly pricked, they had to supervise the 500 K94U dog soldiers as they worked round the clock, both in London and the home counties. Typically, Ratton spent his days feverishly making notes, and writing speeches, a Spanish-English dictionary next to him. Melvyn Drillbit kept nodding like a little sewing machine, memorizing everything, so there was no need to keep minutes. Strictly liaised with the press, the bloggers, the radio stations, the TV studios and those Members of Parliament who liked dogs - about 60% of them.

Their good friend Cardew the crocodile returned from his holiday in France, and was officially appointed to join the Ministry staff. He spent most of the time out of the office with Reservoir, relentlessly enforcing Ministry policies in the Greater London area with random visits and inspections. Reservoir asked all the awkward questions, and filmed every interview, while Cardew