Recovering Leadership: Musings of an Addict Leader

By Thomas Hill III

Who is benefiting from your leadership—you, or the people you serve?

Are you obsessed about and feel the need to control every situation?

Do you feel a constant need to achieve or win?

These are signs of an “addict leader,” which often involves using power, success, and control as a type of “drug,”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Monocle Press
• Release date: May 18, 2018
• ISBN: 9781732118911

Thomas Hill III

Thomas Hill III is chief executive officer of Kimray, Inc. As the grandson of Kimray's founder, Garman Kimmell, Thomas grew up around the family business and manages the family-owned company with a sense of stewardship and heritage. In 1948, Kimray revolutionized pressure regulation in the oil and gas industry by introducing a three-inch pilot-operated gas back-pressure regulator. The company has since grown to be a globally-known manufacturer of a comprehensive line of reliable, smart, and inventive American-made control equipment for safely and efficiently producing oil and gas. Having worked in virtually every department, Thomas has an intimate knowledge of the processes and people involved from start to finish. Thomas earned a bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering at Oklahoma State University. He and his wife have been married for over 30 years and have six children. When he is not doing something with his family, working at Kimray, or sharing his story with others, you will find Thomas reading and writing, collecting LAMY fountain pens, and learning something about everything. Thomas grew up in a high-performing family, which shaped his belief that people are worth what they can accomplish. This sent Thomas on a long and unfulfilling journey of pursuing success by constantly doing bigger and better things. Life eventually spun out of control, and Thomas hit rock bottom. Unfortunately, this meant Kimray hit rock bottom at the same time. Thomas's story does not end there. Through significant pain and loss, he began the long and difficult road of recovery that transformed his life and leadership. Today, Thomas enjoys sharing his story with others who can benefit from the lessons he has learned. He is committed to carrying the message of Recovering Leadership to other "addict leaders" and practicing these principles in daily life.

Book preview

It is an unusual experience to read a book about the company where I worked for more than 45 years. Most of that time I was responsible for leading it. Like many leaders, I have a Type A personality, and I am also obsessive compulsive. My choices caused Kimray to consume too much of my life—and by default—my family’s life. The definition of an addict leader fits me perfectly.

It is also an unusual experience to read a book written by my son. Seen through his eyes, I can better comprehend how our personal, family, and corporate culture intersected. Understanding this earlier might have enabled me to correct or prevent the negative impact my actions exerted on others. Now, it is my great joy to see the recovery in my son’s life and in our company’s life.

This book speaks to me, and I believe it will speak to any leader who is willing to listen.

—Tom Hill

Board Chairman, Kimray

RECOVERING LEADERSHIP

MUSINGS OF AN ADDICT LEADER

THOMAS HILL III

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my wife and to my children.

They stood by me and supported me through too many ups and downs to count. I have done little to deserve their love and even less to deserve their loyalty, yet they freely give me both.

Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Chapter 0: Working Man

The way Things Were

Chapter 1: Small Beginnings

Chapter 2: American Dream or American Nightmare?

Chapter 3: Failure Is Not An Option

Chapter 4: Culture Drift

What Happened

Chapter 5: Fake Leadership

Chapter 6: Hitting Rock Bottom

Chapter 7: Intervention

Chapter 8: Treatment

THE WAY Things Are Now

Chapter 9: Mission Matters

Chapter 10: A New Direction

Chapter 11: What It Feels Like If It’s Real

Chapter 12: The Twelfth Step

Chapter 42: Afterword

Endnotes

Foreword

Leadership—how many millions over the centuries have aspired to it and how few thousand have actually achieved true leadership. Further yet, how few have aspired, failed dramatically, and then had the courage, self-introspection, and strength to achieve true leadership. There are many ways cultures have defined leadership, but what I mean by leadership is truly selfless, others-oriented, holistic, and eternity-focused.

You are about to read an amazing story, because it is by and about a man who had his proverbial leadership ladder leaning against the wrong wall and then failed to succeed at what he thought was his birthright and calling. When Thomas Hill hit bottom, he could have easily wallowed there, and he had plenty of people and circumstances to blame for his fall. Yet, here is a man who had the presence of mind to look into the mirror, assess the true reasons for his failure, and determine to do something about it.

Thomas is nothing if not candid and transparent about his early confidence in our culture’s often-tragic concept of leadership. When the wall against which his ladder was leaning crumbled, he did more than just analyze the cause of his downfall. With the help of family, friends, and wise counsel, Thomas did an amazing about-face, searched for a wall with solid foundations, and put his ladder and weight against the wall designed by our creator and illustrated by his savior.

I have observed and read about many leaders in my lifetime, and I have never known a leader who was so fervently willing to make the hard decisions necessary to abandon past habits and start over as a new man. During my service on the board of directors for Kimray, I have closely observed Thomas’s personal change and his leadership style and substance.

A key to Thomas succeeding as a recovering leader is his willingness to be accountable—not just for financial outcomes but much more importantly for his own attitudes and behaviors. I have never worked with a leader who was so transparent and who made doubly certain he had people, policies, and processes around him to ensure a high level of accountability.

When counseling men and women regarding their leadership, I try to instill the idea that leadership is not about me, nor for me. Many leaders have the power and the opportunity—often quietly and subtly—to make or skew decisions and outcomes in ways that benefit them. However, the leadership of Thomas’s ultimate mentor, Jesus Christ, is all about serving others. This is how Thomas chooses to lead, as he consistently puts others first.

Thomas demonstrates a high level of courage, diligence, humility, wisdom, compassion, resilience, and creativity in the way he leads Kimray. But without the accountability, servant’s heart, and reliance on One beyond himself, many of these traits could also be found as rungs of the ladder leaning against the wrong wall.

I wish all leaders would read Thomas’s story and pattern their leadership after the greatest leader, Jesus Christ. I assure you many workplaces, halls of power, families, and houses of worship would be different, and our world would be blessed.

—Mike E. O’Neal

President Emeritus,

Oklahoma Christian University

Acknowledgments

My father, Tom Hill, and my grandfather, Garman Kimmell, for laying the foundation on which we are rebuilding. Much of what is good in me I learned from them.

Dr. Nathan Mellor, my friend and mentor who convinced me that I had something worth writing and that people would want to read it. I can’t decide if I hope he is right or completely wrong.

Robert Greenlaw, without whose editing, rewriting, encouragement, prodding, scheduling, and friendship this book would not have been written. His is the truest soul I have ever known.

My friends who were there for me when I was at my lowest and loved me for who I was, not what I was doing. To be known by these men and still be loved by them is the greatest gift.

My executive team, who are my advisors and my friends. I am grateful they have chosen to do life with me.

My counselor, who walks with me through the daily effort of living in recovery and becoming my authentic self. I have learned a lot about myself because she listens.

Chapter 0: Working Man

Conrad slipped easily through the loose crowd of talkative people as he moved toward the patio. The setting sun painted the sky above the trees in an infinite array of colors that were so vibrant they seemed to be alive. The music mixed with the clinking of glasses and the hum of conversation lifted his spirit as he scanned the group of friends gathered for the evening. Life is truly good, he almost said aloud, as he caught sight of his wife moving from one cluster of friends to the next, the perfect hostess who looked so alluring in her red party dress.

Suddenly, the idyllic evening was shattered by a repetitive screeching noise that melted the sunset, house, and party until nothing was left but a cold Monday morning. Conrad groaned as reality replaced his dream. He shut off the alarm and struggled out of bed to get ready for another day. The hot shower washed away the remainder of his dream despite his best efforts to hold onto the feelings of peace he only experienced in his sleep. Looking in the mirror, he wondered how he became so old. He shaved, dressed, and after the first of many cups of coffee, left for work while the house was still dark and his family slept peacefully in their beds.

When Conrad began working at his current job, he was excited by the things he read and was told during the interview process. The company touted flexible work hours, an open work environment, and opportunities for rapid advancement. The products and services the company provided were not cutting edge. However, they had an aggressive research and development strategy, and Conrad’s job would afford him the opportunity to participate in product design.

At first, Conrad was enthusiastic and energetic. He attacked the work he was given and paid close attention in meetings and during informal gatherings to learn the flow. His prior work experience allowed him to see some processes that were not optimal and would be relatively easy to fix, but he wanted to make sure he was fully aware of the complete system before he started making recommendations. Over lunch one day, he mentioned an idea for improvement to one of his coworkers, and he was surprised by the response: Good luck with that!

As the new wore off, Conrad began to notice some things he didn’t see at first. In spite of touting flexible work hours, everyone in his area was at work early and usually stayed late. He noticed that the area manager, Mr. Clark, rarely made a comment related to the long hours people were working, but when a team member wasn’t there, he would say things like, John must not really need a job. He seemed to be joking and everyone would chuckle, but Conrad got the feeling Mr. Clark wasn’t being funny. Over time, he got the distinct message that he needed to be at work before Mr. Clark and stay until after he left. This was never spelled out, but as the newest team member, Conrad wasn’t willing to rock the boat. Now, after working there a few years, to back off the hours might look as if he wasn’t committed to the team’s success, and he had seen firsthand what happened to people when their manager questioned their commitment.

For instance, one of his coworkers had taken a few weeks off to recover from having her first child. Kristina was a beautiful little girl, but Sandy had a difficult pregnancy and ended up having a C-section. The doctors recommended she take six weeks off, but Sandy only took four weeks. It was obvious when she returned that she wasn’t fully recovered. Prior to taking off, Sandy organized her workload and handed off the things that would be due during her absence. However, while Sandy was gone, Mr. Clark shifted most of her work to other people, and now that Sandy was back it was apparent she no longer received any of the good projects. Sandy was obviously hurt by this, but she needed the job and wasn’t willing to say anything. She certainly didn’t want to make things worse.

As Conrad made his way to his work area, he muttered polite good mornings and hellos to the people he passed. Most were getting ready for the weekly meeting that would begin at 8:00 a.m. Monday Mayhem, as the team called it when Mr. Clark wasn’t in earshot, was a weekly progress meeting that was supposed to get everyone focused on what was critical that week. However, the meeting never had a real agenda and usually ended with a speech from the manager about missed opportunity or failed effort. Mr. Clark rarely named names, but everyone knew what other people were working on, so it was obvious who had messed up. Most weeks the group assembled and waited in awkward and tired silence until their leader finally showed up a few minutes to a half hour late.

Once the weekly meeting was over, Conrad returned to his work area to prioritize his day. He was juggling a dozen projects, but half of them were stalled. In some cases, he was waiting for answers from management. He often wondered if he had provided too little information for them to make the necessary decision, but they rarely asked for clarification. In other cases, it seemed the choice was not only obvious, but also really shouldn’t be elevated to a management issue. However, he learned early that if he didn’t get management involved and things didn’t go perfectly, it would impact his access to projects and resources. Over the years, it just became easier to push most decisions up to management and wait for a response.

The projects he could move forward still had issues. He often had to redo work that was supposed to be handled by a different group. Initially he sent these issues back to be fixed by the group where they originated, but a particularly emotional Monday Mayhem speech about not being a team player and making other groups look bad is not how we make ourselves look good clearly communicated to him that he was better off just fixing the problems himself. It made him tired to think about how much time he spent fixing the same errors and omissions, when fixing the source of the problem would eliminate so much waste.

On any given day, Conrad could expect to be interrupted at least once by Mr. Clark for an impromptu meeting regarding the state of a project. Conrad was fairly certain these meetings were preceded by a call from someone downstream complaining about timelines. The result of these meetings was almost always a reprioritization of his work flow, often reversing the last priority he was given. He intuitively knew that if he could work uninterrupted and without constant shifts in priority, most of the past due work could be completed and future work would probably be more consistently on time. He often wondered why they hired him if they didn’t trust him to apply his skillset and do his job.

The worst part of meeting one-on-one with Mr. Clark was how it felt. It started with the call from Nikki, his secretary, telling him Mr. Clark wanted to see him immediately. Since he had no way of knowing what project was going to be discussed or if there was some other issue, Conrad never felt fully prepared. Often he would get to Mr. Clark’s office and then have to wait. He knew his manager was a busy man—as he often told everyone—but it seemed like Conrad’s time must not be very valuable to the company. When he was finally called into the office, he dreaded sitting down across the desk from Mr. Clark. Over a beer one evening, Conrad confided to his best friend that he felt like a child being called into the principal’s office. He was certain the chairs in front of Mr. Clark’s desk sat lower, and the whole environment made him feel small and unimportant. He hated those meetings, and it took a while after each one for him to shake that sick feeling.

By the end of the day, Conrad was dragging. Most days he felt further behind than when he started. He filled his bag with the work he might try to tackle after the kids went to bed and walked out to his car. He used to enjoy the drive home, but these days he spent the entire trip trying to clear his head with less and less success. He knew his wife had her own set of problems she wanted to talk through with him, but most days he was just too tired to focus. Often, the best he could do was muster enough energy to fake interest.

At dinner the kids were not allowed to have their phones at the table, but Conrad always kept his phone next to his plate in case Mr. Clark tried to reach him. It seemed that Mr. Clark never stopped working, and he expected a quick response to any email or text. Sometimes a short text would suffice, but often Conrad ended up excusing himself from dinner and getting on his computer to provide an adequate response. Ironically, the converse was not true. The few times Conrad sent Mr. Clark an email after hours to complete some work, he didn’t get a response until well into the next day.

One of the things that attracted Conrad to this job was significantly better pay and benefits. He and his wife talked about taking trips with the kids and doing things they hadn’t been able to afford, but reality didn’t turn out that way. The money was there, and it was nice to be financially more comfortable, but the workload was so heavy that Conrad didn’t have the energy to plan an extended trip. The company provided generous vacation time, but most people didn’t use it. The company gladly bought it back at the end of every year. The few times Conrad had taken more than a few days off, he felt like Mr. Clark called him more often than when he was in the office. On one particular trip to visit relatives and sightsee on the coast, Conrad got a call and learned that his most important project was in trouble. He ended up cutting his family vacation short in order to get back and save the deal.

Conrad felt like he was going backward. He hadn’t received any recent opportunities to enhance his education or skill set. He wasn’t given final responsibility for any projects, and since Mr. Clark took most of the credit for the team’s few successes, Conrad’s resumé was aging. He asked several times to be sent to a conference or workshop to gather best practices, but on each occasion Mr. Clark said it wasn’t a good time. Conrad was certain there would never be a good time.

Conrad initially saw the issues at work as challenges. There was definitely a culture of competition, and since he was a competitive person, he leaned into that. He thought if he could excel and post some wins he would earn the respect of leadership. However, as time passed, each win or accomplishment merely moved the bar he was expected to reach. Now Conrad found himself in a race against himself to achieve more each day than the day before, but he felt like he was trying to run in quicksand. As the reality of this set in, Conrad found himself struggling with depression and had trouble sleeping. He used to exercise regularly with his wife and kids, but he had sacrificed wellness for work long ago. This, along with increasing stress, caused him to gain weight. At his last checkup, Conrad’s doctor expressed serious concerns about his blood pressure and sugar levels, which increased Conrad’s worry about the possibility of leaving his wife and kids without a husband and father.

At some point, Conrad’s children had gone to bed and so had his wife. In the quiet of the sleeping house, he finished another email about the current project timeline and saved some additional information to the common drive. Closing his computer and looking at his watch, he realized that in five hours he had to get up and start it all over again. He didn’t let himself think about where this would end as he finished the second glass of wine that had become necessary for him to get to sleep each night. As his head sank into the cool softness of his pillow and he listened to the gentle breathing of his wife next to him, he hoped he would have another dream like the night before and not a nightmare like each day had become.

Nothing Left

I love music, and when I think about Conrad’s story, I remember the lyrics to Working Man by the Canadian rock band Rush. In their album by the same title, lead vocalist Geddy Lee sings:

I get up at seven, yeah,and I go to work at nine.I got no time for livin’.Yes, I’m workin’ all the time.It seems to me I could live my life a lot better than I think I am.I guess that’s why they call me,they call me the workin’ man.

That is truly a sad way to live. Unfortunately, it is the reality for far too many people.

The underlying reason for this is the principle of finite reserve capacity. If you have ever tried to grow fescue grass in Oklahoma, you understand this principle very well. In the fall, when temps are cooler and there is more moisture, you can easily get fescue to sprout and grow. A little extra water here and there, and you soon have a lush green carpet outside your door. The grass tolerates the Oklahoma winter well, though it doesn’t grow much. When temps begin to warm in the spring, the grass surges to life again. However, when the summer temps begin to creep up, you will notice that wherever the grass is in the shade it continues to thrive, but the grass in full sun only survives if it is watered regularly. Once daily temps get above 90° Fahrenheit, no amount of water will save the grass in full sun. The grass