Where the Hell is Heaven?

By Ian Coulls

Where the Hell is Heaven? is another collection of dark-humoured short stories, sometimes whimsical, sometimes passionate, about a variety of relationships set in different times and cultures. The stories tell of someone having it in for you in a foreign country, violence in the education system, navigation under difficult circumstances

• Language: English
• Publisher: Debbie Lee
• Release date: Nov 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781760414603

Ian Coulls

In an earlier life, Ian Coulls wrote a series of twelve books in the field of education. Subsequently, with Ginninderra Press, he has published a book of short stories entitled The Complete and Utter Truth about the World and Everything in it and two chapbooks of poetry, Danse macabre and Words. He has been a documentary filmmaker, recording engineer and producer and, as a songwriter/musician, has produced six CDs of his own music. He is currently bringing his dark humour to bear on a third book of short stories.

Book preview

Where the Hell is Heaven?

Where the Hell is Heaven?

Ian Coulls

Ginninderra Press

Where the Hell is Heaven?

ISBN 978 1 76041 460 3

Copyright © text Ian Coulls 2017

Ian Coulls can be contacted at [e-mail]

Cover image: Amy Yang

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All rights reserved. No part of this ebook may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the copyright holder. Requests for permission should be sent to the publisher at the address below.

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First published 2017 by

Ginninderra Press

PO Box 3461 Port Adelaide 5015

www.ginninderrapress.com.au

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events is purely coincidental.

Contents

Hell in Paradise

The Tugboat Captain

The New Yorker

Country Life

A Manly Man

Where There’s a Will

I Love You, Daddy

A Silly Question

Relationship… Relationship…

The Japanese Girl

Initiation

Where the Hell is Heaven?

Acknowledgements

Also by Ian Coulls and published by Ginninderra Press

Hell in Paradise

Bucky Armitage was a young Englishman working in China. He was an English teacher in a Guilin university. It was an idyllic posting as Guilin is regarded by many Chinese people as heaven on Earth. As seen on postcards, it is the place with the dome-shaped hills and old men with pointy hats. On their bamboo rafts, these men go fishing with trained cormorants. Bucky and his wife Meihua agreed Guilin was paradise.

The Guilin foreign teachers would periodically organise Friday night social gatherings in the Sportsman’s Bar of the Shangri-La Hotel. On one of these evenings, Bucky and Meihua walked in to relax with the various teachers, their wives and girlfriends. Amongst the group was Nigel, who had come from London as a representative for MG sports cars. He zeroed in on Bucky and Meihua and they all exchanged initial pleasantries.

‘So do you often go back to England?’ Nigel asked.

The question was addressed to Meihua, but she was neither listening nor interested. She had turned away and was talking to a Chinese friend.

Bucky replied, ‘Every so often, but only for the holidays. We’ve just come back, actually. What do you do in London?’

‘Car salesman. ’Ere, if you ever come back to live, let me know if you need a car. I can really look after you. I don’t sell rubbish or nothin’, you know, only quality stuff.’

‘Yes, of course, thanks, but I think we’re likely to be here for a while yet. Meihua rather likes England, but it’s so expensive, and my English job was OK, but rather boring.’

‘What did you do?’

‘Computer programmer.’

‘Ooh, you must be sophisticated. Still, this is a bit of all right here in China, isn’t it?’

‘Well, we like it. Meihua wouldn’t mind living somewhere nice in the south of England, but that’s a way down the road yet.’

Meihua was still talking to her Chinese friend and Nigel’s conversation became a little more adventurous.

‘The women are nice here in China, eh? ’Ere, look at that,’ he drooled. ‘Do you ever step out for a bit on the side?’

‘I’m married,’ Bucky reminded him, maybe aware that Meihua was still sitting next to him, although his answer probably would have been the same if she had been in Siberia.

‘Yes, I know, but I mean, well, you know what I mean…’ Nigel enthused. ‘Cor, who’s that?’ he asked, pointing out another attractive Chinese woman.

‘That’s Xi Huanjing. She teaches French but, when she’s had a few drinks, she tends to forget she’s a teacher. Her students quite like her.’

Xi Huanjing was full of beer and covered with students.

‘Obviously, but I’m not surprised. With an arse like that, she’d have the attention of every boy in the class when she writes on the board. Do you think she could do with some adult company?’

‘Why don’t you go and ask her?’

Bucky was relieved when Nigel picked up his beer and made his way toward the young woman. His relief was interrupted by Chris Bligh, a balding, middle-aged man who, for some reason, everyone called Tubby.

‘Hello, Bucky. Have a good holiday?’

‘Yes, fairly laid-back, and it was good to catch up with family. I hear you moved into Scott’s apartment.’

Bucky immediately winced inwardly. A thoughtless slip. Chris Bligh’s real estate grab had annoyed staff, as he was a recent arrival and the apartment was coveted by all the teachers. He had thrust himself forward and snaffled up a post as representative for the foreign teachers and then rapidly claimed the much-envied apartment when its previous inhabitant went back to the United States. Some teachers had been in Guilin for years and felt they had a much more justifiable claim.

‘Hey, someone had to do it.’

‘Are you coming to any of the Chinese classes?’ Bucky asked. Foreign-language tutors were entitled to go free of charge to any of the fee-paying Chinese lessons.

‘Why bother? They have to learn English. I don’t have to learn Chinese.’

‘Come on, Bucky. Let’s go home.’ It was Meihua,