Pornocide: Why Lust is Killing Your Faith, Stealing Your Joy and Destroying Your Life

By Greg Gerber and Kary Oberbrunner

Pornography is no longer a problem in the world; it is an epidemic trapping millions of men, women and children in a hopeless cycle of guilt, shame, anger and defeat. It leaves a trail of broken marriages, sexualized children, lost jobs, and unfulfilled dreams in its wake.

Studies show nearly two-thirds of men, one in five women and one in

• Language: English
• Publisher: Author Academy Elite
• Release date: Oct 13, 2017
• ISBN: 9781640850545

Greg Gerber

A native of Wisconsin, Greg Gerber is a DODO (Dad of Daughters Only). He has three grown daughters and four granddaughters, which means he speaks fluent female. His first grandson arrived in June 2017. He is an award-winning journalist who spent seventeen years covering the recreation vehicle (RV) industry by editing several magazines before venturing out on his own to create the industry's first online daily publication, blog, and podcast. For three years, he traveled across America full-time in a motorhome, visiting all forty-eight continental states and reporting on the industry. Hawaii is the only state he has yet to visit. His life wasn't always sunshine and adventure, though. After his parents divorced when he was eight years old, Greg struggled with poor self-esteem and anger. He was bullied frequently in elementary and middle school to the point of having his arm broken. His father died suddenly when he was nineteen years old, and for much of his life Greg struggled with a weight problem. For years, he wandered aimlessly seeking purpose for his life. He worked more than twenty jobs between his sixteenth and fortieth birthdays, including stints as a restaurant manager, police officer, emergency medical technician, public relations professional, event photographer and writer. He cut his teeth as a journalist while serving in the U.S. Air Force. The one common thread through it all was an obsession with pornography, which began two weeks after his twelfth birthday when a neighbor teen showed him a Playboy magazine. Porn became a welcome escape from the heartbreak, loneliness, and abandonment he felt. By the time he was thirty-three, Greg had accumulated 1,400 men's magazines before his wife discovered the problem. After that, he ditched the paper dolls and his obsession went viral while he accumulated more than four million hidden electronic porn images and 25,000 videos at the lowest point of his life. However, during that time, Greg became a Christian, and God slowly peeled back the layers of hurt, anger, and bitterness for many years until Greg could finally break free of the bondage. Today, he splits his time between Wisconsin and Texas (to be closer to his girls) while working as a speaker and author of faith-based books. He believes in the power of second chances and is passionate about helping others build habit-crushing, mountain-moving faith to defeat the Goliaths in their lives.

Book preview

"Every year, millions of men and women find themselves hopelessly trapped in the habit of lust and pornography. This bondage often begins in childhood and sets into motion a long path of destruction. Greg’s book, Pornocide is an exceptional fictional story of hope and encouragement as seen through the life of a man, trapped in a problem he can’t escape, but fully restored to a life of overflowing joy and forgiveness. Pornocide provides a road map that shows it’s possible to enjoy complete freedom from the bondage and destruction that pornography brings. This freedom comes from a personal relationship with Jesus the Christ and from the support of others who have been rescued from the same deep, dark pit. Well done, Mr. Gerber. Well done."

Terry D. Cooper, The Texas RV Professor

Pornography is not just a problem in the world today; it’s an epidemic trapping millions of men and women in a hopeless cycle of guilt, shame, anger and defeat. Greg’s book shows it is possible to find freedom, but only if you truly believe it can happen. Let him show you how to develop addiction-crushing, mountain-moving faith.

Kendall Bridges, Senior Pastor,

Freedom Church in Carrollton, Texas

The world today is immersed in a battle for the hearts and minds of believers and non-believers alike. The battle against God’s intended purpose of marriage and sex is especially fierce, as statistics relate that seven out ten people in the church today are affected by pornography in some way or another. Greg Gerber writes a story that hurting and shamed people will be able to relate to, which is what our culture is starving for—not the shaming of a news story, but the compassion of a Savior who understands and desires us to be free.

Tony Kolasch, Pastor,

Evansville Community Church in Evansville, Wis.

"Pornocide is one of the most captivating books I have ever read, pointing out the dreadful certainty that marks a pornography addiction in today’s world. I had a hard time putting it down."

Tony Troop, Jr., a reader from North Carolina

"In Pornicide, Greg has engaged one of the toughest topics facing Christian men today. If you stand in a group of three men today (whether they claim a biblical worldview or not) one of those three will have viewed pornography in the past thirty days. It is time to stand firm against Satan and his perversions. Greg’s allegory shows how it can be done."

Chuck Marzahn, elder, Trinity Church

"Pornography may be Satan’s most effective tool against men, teenagers, and boys. Dads addicted to porn may feel hopeless and defeated. Boys addicted to porn misperceive the true beauty of God’s wondrous creation and cannot stop the craving that porn creates. Pornocide may be a fictional book, but the story line is played out in real life countless times every year as millions of men and women find themselves hopelessly trapped in a habit they can’t break. Worse, children are becoming addicted to pornography at very young ages and the cycle continues. Greg’s book shows that it is possible to defeat lust and enjoy complete freedom.

Mark LaMaster, MSN, RN

Dad, Consultant, Speaker, and

Author of Friday Night Lights for Fathers and Sons

Greg Gerber is a good friend and a brother in the Lord. We have been through twenty-plus years of life, with its ups and downs, and continue to share fellowship. Greg has tackled a subject that is difficult to talk about and has provided a story that will lead men to make changes in their lives that could last a lifetime. This is a must-read for every man—Christian and non-Christian alike.

Steve S., retired church elder and men’s ministry leader

"Pornocide may be a fictional book, but as a pastor I see the story line played out in real life time and time again with both men and women who find themselves hopelessly trapped in a habit they can’t seem to break. Worse, children are becoming addicted to pornography at very young ages. With three young kids of my own, I find this extremely concerning. Greg’s book shows that it is possible to defeat lust and enjoy complete freedom from this devastating addiction."

Scott Kegel, lead pastor,

Agoura Bible Fellowship in Agoura, Calif.

Greg has authored an exceptional fictional story of hope and encouragement as seen through the eyes of one man caught in his sin, but restored to a life of joy and abundance. Yes, it is possible to find complete freedom from lust and pornography. This book offers the right battle plan for success.

Pastor Jedidiah Haas

"Pornocide. What an appropriate name for this book that uses a fictional account to lay bare all the hurt and anguish that pornography brings. It is the great unspoken sin that so many men struggle with. The sound biblical principles introduced here will work equally well to help someone break free of other addictions as well."

John Huggins, a reader in Florida

Pornocide

Why Lust is Killing Your Faith,

Stealing Your Joy and Destroying Your Life

Greg Gerber

This is a work of fiction.

All the characters, organizations and events portrayed in this novel

are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Copyright © 2017 by Greg Gerber

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

Published by Author Academy Elite

P.O Box 43, Powell, OH 43065

www.AuthorAcademyElite.com

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy or recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available upon request.

Softcover: ISBN 978-1-64085-052-1

Hardcover: ISBN 978-1-64085-053-8

Ebook: ISBN 978-1-64085-054-5

Also available in hardcover, softcover,

e-book and audiobook.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

To Steve, Ed, Tony, Mark, Doug, Don, John, Floyd, Clayton and Wade—

the first small group of men I met with weekly for years.

The transformation that occurred through those meetings launched the most productive years of spiritual growth in my life.

To Chuck Marzahn and Terry Cooper

for their years of friendship as well as their incredible support and encouragement during the writing process.

A big thank you to Laura Zeitner,

my editor, whose subtle changes tweaked a good book and made it great!

Contents

Foreword

Introduction—Giving Birth to a Giant

Caught in the Act

Confessing a Secret

Digging a Deeper Hole

The Fiery Furnace

Walking Into the Light

Do You Want to Get Well?

Hope for a New Life

The First Assignment

Patty’s Dilemma

Satan Strikes Back

A Sinner Restored

An Emotional Reunion

The Power of Forgiveness

The Marketing of Sin

The Father of Lies

Gearing Up for Battle

Fighting Condemnation

Planting Seeds

Remaining on the Vine

A Casualty of War

Ladies’ Day Out

Making Progress

The Shocking Secret

Kingdom Promises

Early Intervention

The Brain on Porn

The Antidote

Occupying Enemy Territory

The Darker Side of Porn

Setting Captives Free

The Final Test

Anointing a Warrior

Endnotes

About the Author

Foreword

Pornography is an epidemic sweeping through the world leaving broken marriages, sexualized children, lost jobs, and unfulfilled dreams in its wake. The statistics are staggering.

Worldwide, pornography rakes in $97 billion annually. That’s double the amount of money brought in each year by the National Football League, Major League Baseball, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League, NASCAR and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA)—combined.

According to the Barna Group, in 2014, 63 percent of men and 21 percent of women age 18 to 30 view porn several times a week. Christians are no different, with 64 percent of men and 15 percent of women admitting to viewing porn at least once a month. In fact, 33 percent of pastors admit to visiting sexually explicit websites.

In 2008, researchers found that 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls were exposed to pornography before turning 18. That number is surely higher today.

In fact, due to the popularity of smartphones and webcams, the largest producers of child pornography today are children themselves between the ages of 9 and 17. Unfortunately, their parents either don’t have a clue what their kids are doing online, or they are lulled into a false sense of security by thinking Internet filters are keeping their families safe.

Is it any wonder that statistics now show one in five girls and one in ten boys will be sexually assaulted before they reach their 13th birthday?

Pornography is even wreaking havoc on the workplace. According to the Nielsen Company, 28 percent of employees admit to using work computers to view porn on company time.

The news is filled with stories of important leaders toppled, professionals arrested, children committing suicide and hackers revealing personal information—all due to the proliferation of pornography.

Lust is a very powerful force that promises excitement and adventure, but leaves people angry, empty, and often very alone. Many people who find themselves caught up in lust and pornography eventually try to kick the habit on their own, but fail because willpower alone isn’t enough.

Greg Gerber’s book Pornocide: Why Lust is Killing Your Faith, Stealing Your Joy and Destroying Your Life is unique. It’s a fictional story based on his personal struggle to overcome a pornography habit that spanned four decades. It’s a tale of a man who is caught in his sin and, through a series of divine appointments, develops addiction-crushing, mountain-moving faith to finally enjoy complete freedom.

By resting in God’s grace and tapping into important spiritual principles, you, too, can be free from the devastating consequences of lust and pornography. Greg will show you how to:

Use effective weapons to wage war against a very powerful enemy seeking to ruin your life.

Plant seeds of faith which, over time, produce a rewarding harvest of self-respect and genuine relationships.

Tap into the healing power of a loving God who is cheering for your success at every turn.

Avoid the slippery slope of pornography that will take you places you don’t want to go and from which it is very difficult to return.

Understand how your brain reacts to pornography by stimulating an unyielding desire for more—and what you can do to defeat the vicious cycle.

Respond appropriately to repeated failure until you’re strong enough to simply walk away.

Pornocide is a captivating book you’ll find hard to put down. However the strategies outlined in it will help you overcome not only lust and pornography, but any mountain in your life. Don’t allow yourself to remain trapped in bondage to a demanding and unforgiving master. Isn’t it time you restored joy, peace, and a sense of purpose to your life?

Kary Oberbrunner

CEO of Redeem the Day, and Igniting Souls

Co-creator of Author Academy Elite

Author of Day Job to Dream Job, The Deeper Path, Your Secret Name and Elixir Project

Introduction

Giving Birth to a Giant

I will never forget September 6, 1972. My parents divorced in 1969 and three years later, on my twelfth birthday, my mother, sister and I moved into a duplex in Madison, Wisconsin. I was about to enter the most difficult period of my life—middle school—where I was beaten up by bullies and teased relentlessly by girls for two solid years.

That day in September, I went to a nearby wooded area to hang out after school with a neighbor boy who was several years older than me. He showed me my first Playboy¹ magazine. It was an exhilarating experience that was half naughty, half intriguing. The images are seared into my memory. From that day on, I was obsessed with the female form. I would clip images from catalogs, magazines, and Sunday newspaper ads. On garbage day, I would bike around the neighborhood looking for discarded men’s magazines. Soon, I amassed a sizable collection.

One day, my mother caught me trying to sneak a magazine out the door. Later, after discovering the publication hiding under my mattress, she told me looking at those magazines was normal. She said she was relieved I wasn’t hiding something addictive, like drugs. If she only knew!

The summer before I started high school, I joined my father and step family on vacation. During that trip, my dad and I had the talk. A well-meaning man, he explained the birds and the bees—oblivious to the fact that I could have taught a three-credit college course with all the knowledge I had amassed on the subject of sex!

What embarrassed me then, and amazes me now, is that my father described how to achieve sexual self-gratification. He assured me that it was normal. For him, perhaps it was. My grandfather had pictures of nude and scantily clad women hanging in his woodshop. Other people told me it was normal, too. But, the sins of the father had been passed down from generation to generation to generation.

Even during Boy Scout camping trips, few, if any, of the leaders objected to us boys viewing porn in our tents. Why not? It was normal for boys our age. The first week of September 1976, I cashed my first paycheck from my first job and marched into a bookstore to buy a hardcover photo collection of softcore nude adolescents taken by a German photographer. That Christmas, I received a Playboy calendar from a fun-loving uncle. Everyone thought it was cute, but it reaffirmed my belief that pornography and lust was normal, safe, and acceptable.

Shortly before I got married, I was fed up enough to toss out most of the collection I had amassed, although I would still seek out Sunday ads and new catalogs. Once I got married, my obsession seemed to subside for a while. Then my wife took a job seventy miles away and we’d see each other only on weekends. That left me lonely for most of the month, and my eyes started to wander again. Within a few years, the addiction was back in full force. I began accumulating men’s magazines again—lots and lots of them—to the point the hobby controlled my life.

Several years later, my wife went looking for a credit card bill when she discovered I had purchased hundreds of dollars of merchandise that month from adult bookstores. Soon, she discovered my hidden secret—a trove of 1,400 pornographic magazines. She insisted that I get rid of them all, which I was happy to do once I discovered the Internet and the buffet of lust available online at little or no cost. Besides, electronic images were much easier to hide.

By April 1995, I was at the end of my strength and consumed by anger, bitterness, and selfishness. I became a Christian and turned my life over to God expecting that he had the power to immediately put an end to my self-destructive behavior. I still struggled. When I was baptized in the spring of 1996, I prayed God would deliver me from pornography. It didn’t happen.

On December 31, 1996, I vowed to give up pornography and deleted all my files, except for a few disks. My commitment lasted 22 days. What a surprise. I had not fully let go of the problem. On December 31, 1999, I pledged to never look at pornography in the new century. That commitment lasted less than a week. On my 40th birthday, I promised God that I was now an adult and that I had spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, carousing, and detestable idolatry. (1 Peter 4:3) It lasted forty-eight hours.

My life was spinning out of control. I would often stay up until two, three, or four in the morning surfing the Internet looking for porn, only to get up at 6:30 a.m. to start a new day. I was exhausted all the time, but all I could think about was getting back to the habit. From my twelfth birthday into my early fifties, I had conservatively averaged at least three hours a day looking for porn and cataloging images. I had spent at least 46,000 hours in bondage—more than 1,915 days—or five years and three months of my life in non-stop pursuit of saltwater that left me thirsting for more.

At the peak of my problem, I had more than four million images and 25,000 videos stored on various devices. If I took time to view one image every five seconds, it would have required 231 days without a break—from New Year’s Day to my birthday in August—to finish the task.

I was married to a wonderful woman for one day over twenty-six years until she finally had enough. I don’t blame her. Men addicted to pornography are among the most angry, bitter, self-centered beings on earth. She deserves a Purple Heart for wounds I inflicted on her.

With the marriage dissolved and my daughters launching their own lives, I was fully alone for the first time in my life. That’s when a brother in Christ led me through a bondage-breaking process, and a ray of light pierced my darkness. But, I kept allowing myself to be drawn back to the sin I despised. I begged God to remove the thorn from my side. I would read book after book looking for the miracle cure—the key to unlock the gate to my self-created prison. Christian authors made it sound so easy: Just get rid of all images and you’ll be free! What bunk.

If I got rid of my computer, I’d turn to magazines. If I got rid of magazines, I’d turn to catalogs. If I got rid of catalogs, I’d turn to television. If I got rid of television, I’d turn to DVDs. If I got rid of DVDs, I’d turn to books. If I got rid of books, I’d write my own stories. And if I taped my hands together, my fertile imagination would still run amok.

It was obvious that my problem was a heart issue. Yet, it wasn’t until another Christian friend recommended the teachings of Pastor Gary Keesee at Faith Life Church that the pathway to true freedom emerged. Through him, I discovered true, biblical faith to demolish the stronghold and move the pornography mountain out of my life. I learned the right things to meditate upon: Bible verses that built my faith, gave me hope, courage and power to finally face my Goliath.

Eventually, I became strong enough to simply walk away and not look back. It was not easy to do on my own. That’s what prompted me to write this book—to rescue kids before they venture down the slippery slope of lust and pornography, and to help adults escape a prison of their own making. I’ve discovered there is nothing normal about pornography except that it will always, without fail, lead to spiritual darkness and hopelessness.

One day, not too long ago, I saw a greeting card at a gift shop somewhere. It had a picture of a very young girl and boy wearing only underpants, and she was holding hers open so he could peek inside. The caption below read, With this, I will control your life. It was meant to be a funny joke. But, for millions of men, there has never been a more truthful statement.

Greg Gerber, September 2017

1

Caught in the Act

A piercing scream followed by a long, drawn-out Mom! jolted Steve Matthews from a deep sleep. As he opened his eyes and struggled to focus, he could hear some commotion coming from the living room downstairs.

That’s enough, you two! he heard his wife, Patty, say.

I’m trying to draw, and he keeps grabbing my colors, their eight-year-old daughter, Alexa, shouted, accusing one of her two brothers of violating her personal space.

Adam Stephen Matthews, I have told you twice today to leave your sister alone. Do you want a spanking? the beleaguered mother threatened.

But I want to color, too, the four-year-old boy sniffed.

Alexa, give him some colors and a piece of paper! Adam, bring them over here to the table, Patty demanded. She sounds angry, Steve thought. He hoped it wasn’t an indication as to how the day would unfold.

"But, Mom, I’m using all my colors," Alexa retorted in her typical, drama-queen fashion.

"Alexa, don’t push my buttons," Patty seethed.

Fine! the girl shouted. Here! She pushed four dark colored pencils toward her brother and ripped out a page from her coloring book.

I want blue! Adam demanded.

Patty took a deep breath and let out a long, guttural scream. All activity and sound screeched to a stop. Alexa quietly took out a blue pencil and handed it to Adam, who ran to the dining room table and quietly colored the picture.

Steve tried to raise his head, but gravity brought it right back onto the pillow. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, murmuring something to himself about why kids have to fight so early, especially on a Saturday.

From the light in the room, he couldn’t tell exactly what time it was, but he guessed it was about 7:30 a.m. The kids must be up and, having just finished breakfast, were trying to find something to occupy their time. He rolled over to grab his cell phone that was charging on the nightstand. As he pressed the menu button, he was stunned to see the actual time: 9:55 a.m.

That can’t be right, he thought, putting the phone down and rubbing his eyes. I never sleep in that late. But, he was up rather late last night working in his home office, and really didn’t recall what time he stumbled in to bed. All he remembered was that it was late.

He pushed off the blanket and sheet and swung his legs over the side of the bed as he sat up, still groggy and still rubbing his eyes. He was a sound sleeper, and always had been. Patty would tell him that he could sleep through a fire alarm.

That must mean that Alexa’s screams are louder than a fire alarm. He chuckled at the thought.

His feet firmly planted on the floor, he stretched for what seemed like a full minute.

I must have really needed the sleep, he thought, reminding himself to thank Patty for the extra time. He pushed himself out of bed and into the bathroom. As he brushed his teeth, he could hear the sounds of everyday family life returning. But nobody dared to speak.

He grabbed his bathrobe off the hook next to the shower and wrapped it around his body as he plodded toward his family. Reaching the top of the stairs, he assessed the situation. Alexa was coloring on a TV tray and watching some children’s show. Adam was working at the kitchen table, intently filling in the lines of his drawing. Patty was frantically cleaning the kitchen, slamming drawers and cabinets as a reminder that mom was not to be bothered. Where was Andrew, his soon-to-be eleven-year-old son?

As he walked down the stairs, he shouted a happy greeting to everyone in the room in an attempt to change the mood. Good morning, super family!

No response.

I said, good morning, Matthews family!

Adam looked up and waved. He didn’t dare say anything and neither did anyone else. Steve walked into the kitchen and put his arm around Patty. He tried to kiss her cheek, but she ducked away and tersely clipped, Don’t.

Rough morning? Steve asked as he reached into the cupboard for a coffee cup.

Coffee’s gone. Have to go to the store, Patty said with a hint of frustration in her voice.

He put the cup back into the cabinet and reached for a ceramic cereal bowl instead. Do we have milk?

Think so, she replied, busily wiping down the counter and aggressively stacking loose papers into piles.

Where’s Andrew? Steve asked.

Where do you think? she replied curtly. "It’s Saturday morning. He has a soccer game every Saturday morning."

It all came back to him now. Steve was supposed to drive Andrew and his friends to the game at a nearby town. Oh, no, he sighed. I completely forgot.

It’s no wonder, she said, spinning around him to get back to the sink.

What do you mean by that? Steve said.

Patty didn’t respond. Rather, she put detergent in the dishwasher, slammed the door and turned it on. As the machine started to fill with water, Steve began to suspect Patty was angry, probably upset that he forgot to drive Andrew to the game. But why didn’t she wake him?

How did he get to the game? he asked.

Patty spun around again, looking at him with an expression that generally indicated he was in deep trouble. I called Kevin’s mother and told her you weren’t feeling well. She came over to pick up Andrew and drove over to Lucas’ house to get him, too. They’ll be back around eleven.

Steve was puzzled. I wasn’t sick, so why would Patty make up that excuse when I simply overslept? What? Why would you say I’m sick? I feel fine. In fact, I was going to thank you for letting me sleep in.

Patty started to walk away.

Wait a minute! he laughed.

She kept walking up the stairs, her feet pounding a beat on every step.

I’m not sick! Steve insisted.

Reaching the upper floor, Patty turned toward him with an incredulous look on her face.

Oh, yes you are. You’re just too blind to know it! Patty smirked. She turned and stormed toward the bedroom, slamming the door as an exclamation point.

Now Steve was really confused. As he stood in the kitchen holding the empty cereal bowl, he wondered what she possibly meant. Too blind to know it, he mumbled. "What the hell does that mean?"

He carefully put the cereal bowl back in the cupboard. Leaning against the counter with his arms folded, Steve felt he was being accused of something but what? He had no idea what Patty was talking about. Maybe one of the kids knows what’s going on, he thought as he walked into the living room, where Alexa was still busily working on her masterpiece.

Lexi, he spoke gently as she looked up from the chair. Why is mom so upset?

Alexa shrugged her shoulders. Who knows? She’s been yelling at me all morning.

Did you kids get into a fight?

Nope, the little brown-haired girl said. When I woke up, she was crying in the kitchen.

What time was that? Steve asked.

I dunno. My favorite TV show wasn’t on yet, and it starts at eight, she replied, turning her attention back to her drawing.

Steve bent over and kissed her head. Thanks honey, he said. I love you.

Mmm-hmm, she replied softly.

Something really weird is going on, he thought, and went upstairs to find out what he did wrong. He gently knocked on the bedroom door and opened it slowly. Patty already had all the curtains pulled back and the shades up. Sunlight poured into the room. She had a suitcase open on the bed and was busy stuffing clothes into it.

Hey, he asked softly, what’s going on? Are we going somewhere?

Patty didn’t stop packing. "We’re not, but I am, she said, her voice trembling. Since there’s no school on Monday, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s house for a few days."

He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to keep his distance. Patty, what’s wrong? You seem upset. Have I done something to offend you? he asked, trying to imagine what he could have possibly done in the fifteen minutes he had been awake.

She did not reply, but he saw a tear fall from her cheek and into the suitcase.

If you’re upset that I missed the game, all you needed to do was wake me up, he noted. I could have been dressed and ready to go in three minutes—tops!

She threw down the clothes in her hands. She grabbed the sides of the suitcase with both hands as she bowed her head. Patty took a long, deep breath before turning to him with a piercing gaze.

I saw you, but you didn’t see me or hear me, she said, still staring at him unrelentingly. Steve must have looked puzzled. "Don’t give me that look. I saw you," she said, slowly enunciating each word.

Steve shook his head and replied with a hint of anger in his voice. What do you mean? You saw what?

Patty stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. As she glared at him defiantly, another tear formed in the corner of her right eye.

Patty, stop playing games. Tell me why you’re so upset! he demanded.

You like pictures. Do you need me to draw you a picture? she asked sarcastically.

Apparently, he replied with equal sarcasm.

Patty slowly turned around and walked to the dresser in the corner, as far away as she could be from Steve in the confined room. She drummed her fingers on the dresser, stumbling for the right words. Steve didn’t say anything, though he longed to break the tense silence. Finally, she sighed.

Last night, at about 2:45 in the morning, I noticed you weren’t in bed.

Uh-oh, Steve thought, hoping he wouldn’t hear what he thought was coming next.

I went downstairs and heard muffled noise coming from your office.

Steve looked away as he subconsciously started rubbing his chin with his right hand.

I opened the door and the room was dark, except for the glowing light from your computer.

Now a tear started forming in Steve’s eye.

"I walked into the room and stood there for a full minute. You didn’t move. Your eyes were fixated on some pornographic video. You were leaning forward, intently focused on all the action," drawing out the last two words.

Tears were streaming down her face, but Steve was looking out the window. A pained, guilty expression came over his face. Patty continued.

I backed out of the room and closed the door. I’m sure you heard the click.

No, he hadn’t. Patty was right. He had been intently focused on his computer monitor. Patty paused until Steve looked into her eyes, which took several seconds.

Steve, why do you have more than twenty-five thousand pornographic images and videos stored on your computer?

He looked away again. He felt a red flush drifting over his body and his palms were sweating. He started to say, I don’t—

She cut him off. You’re right, you don’t, she said slowly, pausing long enough for him to look back at her direction. You actually have more than two million, five hundred thousand pornographic images and videos stored on your computer.

Her tears had stopped, and she looked at Steve with profound hurt and disappointment. Steve just hung his head. He was waiting for her to say something. How do you know that? he asked quietly. He knew the answer, but was still too ashamed to look at his wife of fifteen years.

"You must have finished your business too quickly before you came to bed at 3:20 this morning, she said, because you left your computer on. It was easy to find your stash when I went looking for it."

Steve kept his head low. He was so embarrassed he didn’t know what to say. Patty, he started, but couldn’t complete the sentence.

‘Vacation Pictures?’ You titled your collection ‘Vacation Pictures?’ she shouted. "I’ve known about your little habit for years. Men’s magazines in your briefcase. The way you look at other women. You’ve even used the kids’ computer, but forgot to clear the history. I know our kids are way too young to be interested in that smut," she said with disgust.

Steve’s mind went into overdrive. Did I really use the kids’ computer? I don’t remember doing that, but who knows? Maybe I did. He was constantly looking for pornography. But, could he have really been that careless? He felt the weight of guilt pressing on his chest. Patty was hurt, and he knew it. He had to figure out some way to get out from under the scrutiny, some way to justify his actions. The silence was pierced as Andrew came bounding through the front door.

Mom, Dad! I’m home! he announced loudly. And we won the game!

Shhh! Alexa warned. "Mom’s in a really bad mood."

Patty paused for a moment and shook her head as she heard Andrew dump his gear in the front hall, in violation of her rule that sports equipment must be stored in the garage. I’m taking the kids to my sister’s house until Monday night, she told Steve, throwing her pillow into the suitcase and zipping the case shut. That should give you plenty of time to figure out what’s most important in your life because, she paused for composure, "because I cannot—I will not—compete with that trash."

Steve didn’t move except to watch her slide the suitcase off the bed and wheel it to the door. She grabbed the doorknob and paused, turning to look at him.

"I’m so sorry I’m not woman enough for you! she exclaimed sarcastically. But, I have three children who need my attention today." She swung the door open and pulled the suitcase through, banging it on the doorframe on the way out.

Guess what, kids? We’re going to go visit Aunt Kelly this weekend! she shouted, walking toward the stairs. "Pick a toy and a book, and get ready to go. We’re leaving in ten minutes. And, Andrew, get your sports stuff in the garage—now!"

But, Mom, I’m hungry, Andrew protested.

We’ll stop somewhere along the way, Patty said more gently as she lifted the suitcase down the stairs. The kids didn’t need to suffer because she was angry.

Where should we go to eat? she asked brightly.

As was pretty normal for the Matthews house, there was a squeal of excitement at the suggestion of eating out. The chorus of three voices shouted over each other, debating which restaurant they should visit. Is Daddy coming? Steve could hear Alexa ask.

Not this time, sweetie, Patty replied. He has a lot of work to do this weekend.

The kids were used to hearing that message. At that point, the geyser sprung and tears streamed down Steve’s face. For the first time in a very long time, he buried his head into his pillow and sobbed.

2

Confessing a Secret

But, I want to give Daddy my drawing before we leave!

It was Alexa’s voice that once again snapped Steve back to reality.

Don’t bother your father, Patty demanded. He’s probably sleeping. Come on, get in the car. I want to get going.

Aww, the little girl uttered sadly as she walked away. She was close to the stairs when Steve opened the bedroom door and walked into the hallway.

Daddy! Alexa exclaimed, running toward her father. I drew this picture to help you get better soon.

Steve scooped his little girl into his arms and held her close. He was very close to crying again as she kissed his cheek. Let’s see that picture, Lexi. She would only allow her dad to call her by that name. With everyone else, she insisted on being called Alexa. Steve walked down the stairs carrying her as she squirmed to show him the picture.

Look, Daddy. It’s a picture of you and me at the park. When you feel better, can you take me there? she asked.

Why, Lexi, that is absolutely beautiful. I love the colors you picked! he responded, dodging her question. But, when Steve asked if he could hang her drawing in his office, Alexa beamed with delight and hugged him again.

Yes, right on your bulletin board!

With her arms still wrapped around his neck, Steve jumped off the last step landing hard on