If God is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad?: 25th Anniversary Special Edition

By David B. Biebel and Judy Johnson

In this powerful book, Biebel leaves behind the all-too-familiar platitudes and instead offers the unvarnished truth about the pain of illness, death, divorce, financial ruin, and more. With keen insight and a Christian outlook, Biebel puts God right by your side to help you sort through your hurt and see the value in your trials. His real-life exa

• Language: English
• Publisher: Healthy Life Press, LLC
• Release date: Nov 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9781939267849

David B. Biebel

David B. Biebel, holds the Doctor of Ministry degree in Personal Wholeness from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. He has authored or co-authored more than a dozen books, including New Light on Depression; Jonathan, You Left Too Soon, If God Is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad? plus the companion volume How to Help a Heartbroken Friend. He resides in Colorado.

Book preview

If God

Is So Good,

Why

Do I

Hurt So Bad?

DAVID B. BIEBEL

IF GOD IS SO GOOD, WHY DO I HURT SO BAD?

(Revised, with Questions for Individual or Group Use)

Copyright © 1989, 2014 by David B. Biebel

Published by:

Healthy Life Press • 2603 Drake Drive • Orlando, FL 32810

www.healthylifepress.com

Author: David B. Biebel

Designer: Judy Johnson

Printed in the United States of America

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,

or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic,

photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission

of the author, except for brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Biebel, David B.

If God Is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad? (3rd Edition)

eBook ISBN 978-1-939267-84-9

1. Grief; 2. Self-help; 3. Recovery from loss

Undesignated Scripture references are taken from The Holy Bible,

New International Version® NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978,

1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights

reserved worldwide. Scripture references marked NASB

are taken from the New American Standard Bible.

Copyright© 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971,

1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by the Lockman

Foundation. Used by permission.

Capitalization of pronouns related to deity follows The Christian

Writer’s Manual of Style (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004).

In biblical quotes, capitalization of pronouns related

to deity follows the translation in use.

Though the account in the following pages is true, in most cases

personal identities and other relevant data have been disguised

in order to protect the privacy of individuals involved.

ENDORSEMENTS

I believe this is one of the most profound, empathetic and beautiful books ever written on the subject of suffering and loss. There is no attempt to quickly ease our pain but rather, with an understanding born in the crucible God uniquely designed for him, David offers a place to stand, a place to fall and a place to rise again. This book left an indelible mark on my heart over twenty years ago and now with this new release the gift is fresh and fragrant. I highly commend this to you!

~ Sheila Walsh, author of

God Loves Broken People and

those who pretend they’re not

When mind-bending pain clouds your thinking, or a deep disappointment throws you into an emotional tailspin, it’s hard to grasp that God is good. My friend, Dave Biebel, tackles this age-old dilemma in this remarkable book, helping the reader understand exactly what’s so good about God in the midst of suffering. I recommend it to you as good, deep reading!

~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Joni and Friends

International Disability Center

The Bible teaches that we can best comfort others with the comfort with which we’ve been comforted. I interpret this to mean that one should look for advice from men and women of God who have actually walked the path with which they’re wrestling. So, when it comes to my patients who are wrestling with depression, I most often prescribe Dr. Dave Biebel’s book. He’s able to speak about depression in a way few can. I highly recommend If God Is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad?

~ Walt Larimore, MD, Family Physician, Educator,

Best-Selling Author of 10 Essentials of Happy,

Healthy People: Becoming and staying highly healthy

The author doesn’t sugarcoat the anger, pain, and bewilderment associated with the loss of a child. Rather, this is a reconciliation of God’s grace and provision for his children in the midst of affliction. It addresses the paradox of simultaneous peace and pain and addresses some tough questions asked by every hurting individual.

~ Mayo Gilson, MD – former president of the

Christian Medical & Dental Associations

(who has buried his two sons)

For people who are grieving, only those who have suffered this level of pain are qualified to speak to their broken hearts. They alone are the only ones who can touch raw pain gently enough, and they alone are believable. As a grief counselor I am very protective of my patients, knowing that too often they are subjected to pat answers and spiritual BAND-AIDS®. I trust Dave Biebel to speak to my patients because Dave bares his soul as a pastor in sharing from the raggedness of his grief and the depth of his anger and wrestling with God. His honesty has freed so many of my patients from guilt as they received permission to wrestle uncensored with God. And while they were not watching, God met them in the awful pain of grief. Thanks, Dave for daring to ask, If God is so good, why do I hurt so bad?

~ Jan Pettigrew, PhD, RN – Oncology

and Grief Crisis Counseling

I first became acquainted with David’s book If God Is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad? in 1995. I had just founded the Joy in the Mourning® Center for Life Losses. As I encountered people whose losses got in the way of their faith and those whose faith was strained to the point of breaking under the circumstances of their losses, I began to use the book in my work as a professional counselor specializing in grief, loss, and crisis. I highly recommend this book for anyone struggling with how the goodness of God can be possible when personal pain is deep.

~ Linda Gill, RN, MSN, MA, LPC

President and Founder: "Joy in

the Mourning"® Center for

Life Losses; Columbia, SC

CONTENTS

DEDICATION

PREFACE TO THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION

PRELUDE

How I Know About Your Pain

Eight Essential Truths about Pain and Healing

SECTION 1: When Losses Come, They Can Bring . . .

CHAPTER 1: Crisis—Crisis is Inevitable, Despair is Not

CHAPTER 2: Confusion—What’s Wrong with You, Anyway?

CHAPTER 3: Fragmentation—When Life’s No Fairy Tale

CHAPTER 4: Reintegration—Putting the Pieces Back Together

SECTION 2: When Losses Come, What Do You Know?

CHAPTER 5: God Loves You—You Can Count on Him

CHAPTER 6: Suffering Has Value—You Can Trust Him

CHAPTER 7: Jesus Wants You Whole—Alive from the Inside Out

SECTION 3: When Losses Come, Who Do You Know?

CHAPTER 8: Loving God in a New Way—Loyalty

CHAPTER 9: Toward Authenticity—Real People in a Plastic World

CHAPTER 10: Power from the Pain—Using the Enemy’s Moves Against Him

CONCLUSIONS AND NEW DIRECTIONS

CHAPTER 11: To Kiss the Joy—Celebrating What Is

AFTERWORD

NOTES

HLP RESOURCES

DEDICATION

TO THE MEMORY OF DR. EDWARD KUHLMAN, FELLOW QUESTIONER;

and the wisdom of Dr. Peter Kreeft, fellow truth hunter;

and the faithfulness of Joni Eareckson Tada, fellow pilgrim.

TO MY PARENTS,

who laid the foundation for my faith in Christ,

whose pain is mine as mine is his.

TO MY BRAVE SONS, JONATHAN AND CHRISTOPHER,

whose pain became my path to learning

that in my weakness the Lord is strong.

I love you both, and your sisters, too.

AND TO THE AUTHOR OF ECCLESIASTES, WHO SAID,

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;

the more knowledge, the more grief" (Ecc. 1:18).

PREFACE

to the

25th Anniversary Edition

All around us, people are in pain. Emotional, physical, relational, spiritual—whatever its source, the pain feels the same. Through the years, I’ve heard from many broken-hearted fellow pilgrims, all with sad stories that sound somewhat similar and more than vaguely familiar. Whatever brought their pain may have happened many years ago, but it still seems like only yesterday to them.

Many who hurt have been nursing the wounds for so long they can’t remember what it’s like to be anything other than sad. Others have denied the pain and submerged the anger for so long that they are unaware how the resulting depression, even bitterness, has subtly impacted their ability to love and therefore, to truly live. This book is my gift to them.

If you are one of my fellow pilgrims, by now you’ve probably exhausted everyone’s patience and given up the hope that anyone understands or cares. You may wish you could have a heart-to-heart talk with somebody, but even when you pour out your feelings to God, you wonder if your words get past the ceiling.

If we could have some time together, I would do my best to listen to your story and to share the things I’ve learned with you. But since we’re limited now by distance, could I do the latter first—not only what I learned before this book became a bestseller, but right up until this new edition?

I know it’s likely you’ve heard a lot of principles and endured way too much advice. So I’ll skip most of that and try for something else: truth—one fellow struggler to another.

And the truth is: Pain has two faces, human and divine. The human face is haggard, drawn, contorted, and streaked with tears. The divine is calm, assuring, kind, and loving—but likewise streaked with tears.

I’ve struggled with how to say what needs to be said, concerned that some may think that the telling sounds profane, earthy, iconoclastic, sacrilegious. But pain is profane, so let’s stop cosmetizing it with pious platitudes as a mortician tries to hide the profanity of death.

Not so long ago, certain women journeyed one morning with spices to cosmetize the crucified body of Jesus. How great their joy—and ours!—to find no cosmetizing necessary, for a most profane tragedy has been transformed by the power of God into the profoundest source of hope, the resurrection of our Lord.

If I could wish you anything, it would be that somehow, through the words that follow, you will find help and hope, but mostly that you will find him, the One who was broken that you might be made whole, and then help others with broken hearts find the only true healing available.

In order to assist you in both of these endeavors, in this edition I’ve included questions for personal reflection or group discussion at the end of each chapter.

And, one final note, just for clarification: When I speak of believers in this edition, I mean those who are followers of Christ, one of whom I am, with this hope that you will join me as he leads us, in the words of Aslan, in The Last Battle, "further up and further in!"

~ David B. Biebel

Destroy! Destroy! Our little boy,

What sad, demented mind, unkind

Would dare?

GOD?

Rebellion surges from my soul,

Unwhole, unwell, I, wounded,

Whimper.

WHY?

~ Excerpted from the poetry of

David B. Biebel

PRELUDE

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not

the mark of weakness, but of power. They

speak more eloquently than ten thousand

tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming

grief . . . and unspeakable love."

~ Washington Irving

How I Know

About Your Pain

Sometimes life is agony.

Once upon a time, in a little town, there lived a young minister and his family. It was a nice little family. The pastor and his wife were happy in their work and devoted to their children—the light of their lives.

Their son, Jonathan, who was three years old, liked to go riding in the car with his daddy. One day as they rode along, the little boy posed an interesting question: Daddy, if I was killed, would you still be able to find me?

This daddy never answered. It was too painful for me to even think about the possibility that he had anything other than a wonderful, limitless future. He was beautiful, bright, and athletically gifted—the apple of my eye. I loved that boy—our first son—more than anything else in this world. It was impossible to think that anything other than happiness lay in store for us.

But then the impossible happened. Late in the summer, our son became ill with what seemed to be a normal childhood viral infection, with its accompanying symptoms. We expected he would recover in a few days, and we could get on with living. But he never did, and for us things changed forever.

Within two days, he started drifting away from us, the first sign being that we couldn’t get him to talk right. We called the rescue squad and got him to the hospital very quickly, but nothing we could do, or anything that anyone else could do in the next five weeks, would change the fact that our beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed boy had suffered brain damage through some undiagnosed condition. He lingered awhile, but in early October, when the sugar maples are at their most glorious, he died.

And the pain, for we who remained, was excruciating. Oh, I said the right words and did the right things that I’d been trained to do as a minister, like speaking at both memorial services and repeating the words of Job as I committed his body to the ground in that ancient hillside cemetery:

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.

Blessed be the name of the LORD (Job 1:21, NASB).

But when I buried our son, I buried something of myself, because something had died inside, in my own heart of hearts. Was it faith? No, I clung to that, in spite of the anger, guilt, depression, doubts, and fears.

This poem is an excerpt from that part of my journey:

LAMENT

Destroy! Destroy! Our little boy,

What sad, demented mind, unkind

Would dare?

GOD?

Rebellion surges from my soul,

Unwhole, unwell, I, wounded,

Whimper.

WHY?

Reply! Reply! The silent sky,

The barren wasteland answers not

My cry.

ALONE?

Deserted? Or concealed? I wait

Relentless time to heal, reveal,

Explain,

THE PAIN.

The part of me that had died was joy, at least the rather unfettered joy my boy had brought to me. And one result, it took me years to realize, was a diminished ability to love God from the heart. Oh, I continued to serve him, obediently and energetically, and I believe that many were blessed during those years through my preaching, teaching, caring, counseling.

But, in reality, I was just surviving.

I could not serve God with my whole heart until I resolved the hurt. More on that later, because this story has another part.

That same country preacher welcomed a second son, Christopher, to the family, a little more than a year after his brother had died. The pastor was very happy for his second son’s birth, but at a very deep level he was still depressed and in the process of grieving. He knew that God’s way leads toward joy, but it was hard to believe, sometimes, that he would ever again be anything but sad.

The healing came, slowly. But it came. And it came mostly through grappling with the issues in his doctoral work, and writing a