Sherry's Song

By Sherry Barrett

I wrote my story, Sherry’s Song for a variety of reasons. I want to help those who have gone through abuse, trauma, sickness, and disability to seek and find God in those traumatic events and hold on to God through it all. I was not given a voice most my life, or not believed far too often, so the title seems very fitting to me. I chose an elephant for obvious reasons as well. “The Elephant in the room”. Speaking of things that are considered unspeakable, but must be said for the good of all. I love elephants and they are often misunderstood as being dumb and clumsy, when in fact they are very smart and agile. May the words in this book bring some insight and comfort to those who read them, and may you find the help you need to heal in all ways. May God be your guiding light when there is no light at all. Events and people in life change us, good or bad, that is up to us. Even when there are no answers, keep seeking the one who is there for you, if you let Him be. God loves, even when no one else can. Be a light house in a lost world. Shine on!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Dec 21, 2020
• ISBN: 9781716344718

Book preview

SHERRY’S SONG

Writte

n By Sherry Barrett

Sherry’s Song

First Edition

Copyright © Sherry Barrett

All rights reserved.

ISBN:

978-1-716-34471-8

Imprint: Lulu.com

SHERRY’S SONG

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:37-39

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

The Beginning…

I was born on Tuesday May 25, 1971 at 4:27 a.m. at the hospital in Oliver, B.C.  I was born blue and not breathing, weighing 4lbs 12oz.  They rushed me off to get me breathing while my mom prepared to deliver what they thought would be the placenta. 

My twin sister was born at 4:32 a.m. just five minutes after me, weighing 5lbs 2oz.  She was born breech, and we were later told that if I had not been born first, I wouldn’t have made my entry into the world alive.  As they didn’t have ultrasound in the early seventies, my mother was in shock, never suspecting that she was carrying twins.

Earlier that same morning they sent my Dad home as they felt the birth would not happen overnight.  After we were born, the hospital called him to give him the news and apparently all he heard was all three are fine, and he panicked, thinking my mom had delivered triplets!  No one, including the doctors, suspected that they were having more than one baby.  Nevertheless the news was overwhelming since they already had three children at home. 

Back at the hospital, my sister and I were placed in incubators for the first twenty four hours.  We were both born with low iron levels so we were also put on iron fortified formula for the first six months of our lives.  We were three weeks premature, which is not uncommon for twin births, but due to low birth weights and low iron levels, we were kept in hospital for three weeks until our original due date.  Our Mom was sent home after about five days. 

I was named Sherry Lynne Barrett and my twin sister was named Terry Lynne Barrett.  My sister and I found out later that I was given the girl's name that my parents had picked out (as I was born first), and Terry was given the boy’s name that they had picked out.  This later caused some issues for Terry, thinking that so little thought had gone into her name.  From my parents perspective the names they had chosen were both appropriate for girls.

When Terry and I became children, we often heard our Dad say that he’d never wanted girls.  Apparently, when we were born my parents had not even wanted any more children at all.  God must have had other plans as my Mom was on birth control when she became pregnant with us.

Getting to know me…

Before my sister and I were born, My Mom had told my middle sister Brenda, age two at the time, that the new baby would be her’s to help raise and care for.  I can still picture Brenda carrying me around and later found a photo of us,  with me in a head lock, Brenda’s arm around my neck. 

While this memory has often made me smile, much of my life since then has been rather traumatic.  I decided at age forty nine, that I wanted to share my story, to document my various experiences, and in so doing knowing that my journey could also help other.

Although we were born in Oliver B.C. our family actually lived in Osoyoos, as there wasn’t a hospital in our home town.  First we lived in a small trailer where all five of us children were in the same room, then later on, we moved to a peculiar house where the stairs for the upper lever were on the outside of the house.  Yes, you actually had to go outside to get upstairs! 

I don’t recall much about Osoyoos but I do remember my Aunt’s Lucilles place by the lake.  Her house had a hedge around it and faced the water.

We moved to Cranbrook, B.C. when I was two years old. I remember falling off of a big blue metal trunk during that move. I scalped my head and when my hair grew back in, it was blonde for a time, prompting ignorant kids to call me skunk.

The first house we lived had a big empty lot beside it with high grasses and weeds where we played hide and seek.  It was a rental house and after a year, we were asked to leave before they started building on the vacant lot next door.

Our second house in Cranbrook became a more permanent home for the rest of my childhood.  This was a new house that did not even have lawn or a finished basement.  To my delight, it did have a red carpet in the living room - my favourite colour!  This house also held most of my childhood memories because I remained there until I moved out at age eighteen.

Inside the house, up some stairs, was the living room, the kitchen, the dining room and a hallway leading to the bathroom and three bedrooms.  The bedroom I shared with Terry was the first bedroom on the right across from the main bathroom.  James, our brother, slept in the room next to ours.  Our parents room had it's own ensuite and was on the other side of the main bathroom.  The laundry room was in the unfinished basement, and beside it, a make shift bedroom was built for my sisters Lorrie and Brenda.   On the other side of the basement we had a ping pong table and a green pullout couch.  We later built a fort in one corner until huge spiders appeared and scared us off.

Outside, the house was painted a lovely light yellow colour.  We had a back porch with stairs going down into the back yard and there was a vegetable garden and lots of flower beds around the yard of the house.  In a side yard, we kept pet bunnies and built cages for them. They also had a bunny run.  In the front of the house there was a walkway that divided the yard and lead to a sidewalk and the street.

In our bedroom, Terry and I had two single beds, a dresser and a trunk as well as a closet.    My bed had room for things to be stored underneath but Terry’s did not.  I lined up my stuffed animals along the wall on my bed and on each bed, we had a patchwork quilt (that our Grandma Biswanger made) and identical afghans (that our Mom made). There was a small pink shaggy carpet between the two beds.  Inside the closet, we played with a small table and chairs.  At the age of two our siblings gifted Terry a stuffed penguin and I received a stuffed elephant.  These became our favourite animals throughout our childhood.

I found out later in life that my mom had taken a fall down some stairs while pregnant with us.  I was told by specialists later in life I had sustained a head trauma in utero as a result since I was the one facing outward at the time.

I don’t have too many memories of my life before schooling the ones I do have are mostly about my siblings.  I also remember Sunday school and our neighborhood.  I remember going to the park to swing often.  I loved to swing and would go as high as I could and go flying off in the air.  I felt like I was flying and I loved it.  I felt so free!  There was a creek near the house.  There was this small island in the middle of the creek we called Gilligan’s Island and played there often. 

I can remember my first day of kindergarten, one of the neighbours across the street took me and my sister.  My mom was now working at The Bay as we were now all in school.  I remember being so happy that Terry and I were in the same class, as I was so very shy and she was more out going.  I was often called her shadow.

By this time our Dad had his own business called Arrow Drilling.  My Mom did the books and paperwork for the business.  He often worked away from home, at times for weeks on end.  He would work on site wherever he was drilling wells.  He had a big drilling rig truck and a one ton truck.  He also had an old trailer that he took to the various sites to live in.

Our neighbourhood had many children of all ages and we would all play together.  We played so many different games.  I remember kick the can, hide and seek, sardines, I declare war, restaurant as well as putting on plays, doing hop scotch, and playing dolls to name a few.

Brenda, Terry and I spent most of our time outside and at school away from the house.  We were the last to come in once everyone else had gone home. 

I was always intimidated by my dad and my brother as they were very mean to me.  As a result, I stayed away from them as much as possible.  Our friends did not like coming to our place either unless my dad and brother were away. 

My Mom’s work schedule was 3 p.m. to 9 p.m., so she was home when we came home for lunch during our elementary years.  I remember watching Flintstones at lunch time while we ate soup or a  sandwich.

When our parents were away we could play music and make up plays and skits.  I loved to sing and make up songs and I did it all the time.  Music seemed to bother my dad though, so we never played it when he was home.  Having said that, he was a Elvis Presley fan.

I remember Terry and I used to create all kinds of things - we were very creative.  We would make up plays and puppet shows, even creating our own puppets and props. 

We created gymnastic routines to music.  We acted out songs we had on records.  One record I had was Dumb Ditties.  I still remember those songs.  Oscar the Grouch was another one I owned as well, all of those songs I still remember today. 

We would play restaurant with the neighbour kids.  We would all go get what we could for food supplies, then we would create menus,  money, and play for hours.  We often even used our small allowance to buy candy and such for supplies.  We created water babies long before the stores did.  We would fill up water balloons, and draw faces on them, and dress them up.  We did not have many toys but we had such being creative in any way that we could

I remember going to the movie Annie at the theatre.  I love musicals.  We came out of the theatre singing, and dancing, and swinging around poles. 

Those are the happy memories I have of those times, but unfortunately I experienced a lot of trauma in those years as well.

My Dad and brother physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me during my formative years.  My Dad had started molesting me while I was still in diapers.

My brother James was almost seven years older than I was and  I found out that when he was around twelve years old he tried to, get into bed with my oldest sister Lorrie.  She told my Mom about the incident and all my Mom  said was, don’t let him.  Lorrie was very popular at that time and had many friends.  She told her friends what James tried to do to her and they beat him up and threatened him.  He never tried anything like that with her again. 

Lorrie then warned my middle sister Brenda, as she was next in line.  Lorrie never dreamt  that she would have to warn us, as we were only four years old.  Incredibly, Terry and I were indeed Five when James started molesting us and having us touch him.

More often than naught James came after me as I was extremely quiet and shy, a  perfect target.  I endured far more sexual and physical abuse from my brother than my sisters ever did.  Terry was molested and I was raped by my brother over and over again.

I can remember an incident when I was around nine.  My brother had some friends over at the house. all of whom I did not know.  They tied me up to a pole in the basement while they took turns abusing me sexually.  I can still picture it in my mind to this day.

I remember the green pull out couch downstairs as well where they kept two guns.  My brother often abused me and sometimes my twin sister together on that couch. 

This all started before I ever went to school, and escalated after we went to school.  I never told a soul about it as my brother threatened to kill me if I did.

James would often fly into a rage and come at me, grabbing me by my hair or my feet and dragging me to throw me over the railing.  I was terrified of him.  I recall that this also happening to my twin sister a few times as well. 

My dad started molesting me while I was still in diapers.  The sexual abuse escalated to rape before I even went to school.  It happened when others were away somewhere else.  The sexual abuse ended around eleven or twelve.

My Dad had a bad temper as well.  He too would fly into a rage for absolutely no reason.  Who slammed the door? or who is making noise?.  He was a Jekyll and Hyde, really.  You never knew who he was going to be.

Thankfully, we had a reprieve from him when he was away for weeks at a time.  Perhaps this is how I survived my childhood.  I got a break from some of the abuse for weeks at a time. My sisters say that they remember me getting the brunt of things with my brother and my Dad.  They did not understand why they targeted me.

I vividly recall one incident in particular with my Dad.  I was around nine years old at the time.  I noticed my sister Brenda asked my Dad for pocket change all the time and he gave it to her right in front of us.  Every time she would ask for the change, she got it. 

Brenda seemed to have a better relationship with our Dad, perhaps cause she was such a tomboy.  Our Dad gave the rest of us boy nicknames, Ralph, Peter and George, but not Brenda. 

One day I decided that I would ask my Dad for his change, but I never did so again. Hi reaction to my request was severe, he threw me on my parents brass bed, and stripped me and raped me. 

I can remember the pain of my dad being on top of me and inside me.  I remember the extreme pain go all the way through me as I left my body to escape what was happening. 

When my Dad finished with me, he threw my clothes at me and told me to get dressed.  I heard the front door open at this time, as my mom and sister Terry were coming into the house. 

Dad threatened me and told me to tell no one.  He told me he would kill me if I said a word about this to anyone ever.  He then threw the pocket change at me and told me I would never amount to anything, that I would be a prostitute on the streets as I was good for nothing else.  (The threat was the same each and every time my Dad raped me.  I found out many years later that my Dad had said something similar to Terry and Lorrie as well).

I ran out the bedroom door, out the front door, my Dad coming after me.  When he caught up with me, he beat me up, calling me every name in the book right out on the street, with others watching.  He repeated how I was useless and a burden.  How I would never amount to anything.  That it was my fault for what he did to me as I made him do it.  That I was evil and to blame for all their financial issues.  He told me that satan was in me, that I was out to destroy the family and that he must purge me of the evil.  He told me that he had never wanted me and added that girls are useless. 

The verbal assault hurt as much as the sexual and physical abuse did, leaving just as many scars only they were on the inside.  Others witnessed this incident, so I knew that no one would ever come to my rescue.  This made me feel that I did not matter to anyone at all.  As far as I knew, I was all alone in the world, trapped in a nightmare,  I could not escape.

I was always healing from trauma.  My Mom saw some of these events but did nothing about them.  Perhaps she was as scared of James as we were.  She  never ever intervened when my Dad was abusing me either.  Perhaps she was afraid  of my Dad as well.  Both my parents treated James as if he was the golden child in our home, as he was the only boy.  He got away with anything he wanted to do and was seldom punished.

During this time, James and Lorrie were often in charge when my Mom and Dad were away at work.  Lorrie was never a problem, but when James was in charge, we stayed clear.  Even when we were little he would lock us out of the house, and Terry and I would raid the garden for our supper.  He would then let us inside just before our Mom came home from work, making sure to tell us to get into bed and say nothing.  We knew that even if we did say anything, that no one would believe us.

Unfortunately, our dog Sandy wasn’t treated any better than we were.  I remember a time when Sandy took off after James to bite him as he was trying to hurt my middle sister.  He kicked the dog away.  Sandy was just trying to protect her.  I loved that dog so much.  Later, Sandy had a puppy that we named Trixie.  I dressed her up in dresses and taught her tricks.  Trixie loved to go walking and to be petted.  I remember being away for the day when she was taken to be put down as she had a large tumour.  When I came home and she was gone I was devastated, as I never got to say goodbye.

Happy memories…

In our family, all four girls had our birthdays in May, one week apart.  My mom did make us each of us a special cake for our birthdays, chosen by us, and we also picked out the food for our birthday parties with our friends. 

The younger three sisters would create the games and do up the prizes for our parties.  We made treasure boxes with maps and clues to find the treasure at the end.  We made up Pin The Tail On The Donkey,  we wrapped up gifts in layers to play Pass The Present, played Musical Chairs and Hot Potato.  We got fairly creative with other games, as we got older, too.  Brenda, Terry and I always had our parties when our dad was away. 

Mom also baked homemade cookies, cinnamon buns, and bread often for us all. 

I realize now why I want junk food when I am not doing well, that was my moms love language to us, and how she showed that she cared.  To this day she likes to give us our favourite dessert when we come over.  Even when I was sick my tummy would reject real food and accept junk food, and often still does to this day.  I battle with wanting to eat and craving junk food.  It is a continual battle for me.  And even more so, the more pain I am in.

At Christmas, Mom made a huge variety of tasty treats to enjoy from tarts, squares of all kinds,  a variety of cookies,  fruit cake, and fudge.  I remember us girls all helping to make sugar cookies and icing them with her help.  Mom would buy special cereal for us at Christmas as well as candies and chocolates.

On Christmas Eve we would go to the Carols by Candlelight service at our church.  After the service we would often go out in the neighbourhoods and look at all Christmas lights.  Back at home, we were allowed to open one of our Christmas gifts. 

Christmas morning, my siblings and I had our special breakfast and then opened our stockings.  Once everyone else was awake, we opened the rest our our gifts together. 

I remember decorating the Christmas tree all together as a family.  We always bought a real tree.  Mom always put one gift from Santa under the tree for each of the kids.  Brenda always had a knack for figuring out the gifts, so Mom went to great lengths to disguise them.  Once we were playing hide and seek and we unwittingly stumbled upon our unwrapped gifts-Michelle and Wendy Walker dolls.  We were thrilled that we were getting what we’d asked for, but disappointed to find them before Christmas morning.  One year, our church put us on the angel tree and Terry and I received stuffed smurfs we were over the moon!  Usually, Brenda, Terry and I went tobogganing on Christmas day and we always had a blast.

On Easter we would wake up to baskets full goodies for each of us labeled and on the kitchen table.  Mom made a turkey dinner with all the trimmings for Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

On Halloween Mom made sure we had a costume to wear usually store bought, though we made some ourselves when we were a bit older.  Brenda, Terry and I would go trick or treating together with friends.  We would later swap with each other for things we liked from each other.  Mom would let us hand out the treats to kids that came to the door before and after we went out ourselves. 

My Dad would give us kids the huge tubes from his work rig for us to play on and use.  We rolled down the hill inside it and bounced on the tube , as well as tubing down the creek near the house.  In the winter we used the tubes for tobogganing.

In retrospect, I can see that my Mom especially, tried to make our childhood special and meaningful.  I remember Mom cutting our hair and taking the time in the morning before school to do french braids.  On her days off from work, she would take us to Jim Smith, Wasa or Moyie Lake in the summertime.  We preferred Wasa or Moyie Lake as they had beautiful beaches and warmer water.  We would take a picnic lunch and Mom would read on the shore while we swam. 

My sisters and I found our love of books from our Mom, she was always reading  and we were too.  Mom usually had a jigsaw puzzle on the go and we helped her, and Brenda, Terry and I still do jigsaw puzzles.  Mom usually had a word search or crossword puzzle on the go and all of us also still do word games even today.  Mom gave us the love for these activities.  Maybe this is where I got my love for learning.

Descent into hell…

My dad had told me satan was in me and out to destroy the family and I truly believed it no matter how good I tried to be.  It was never good enough. 

One ongoing flashback that I had while starting to remember my past, was a baby crying.  I kept trying to find this baby and rescue it from danger.  I knew the baby was in grave danger, I could sense it in my dream. 

Many of my memories came back in the dream time as our subconscious remembers all we have been through even when our conscious mind does not. 

My dad gave me in a ritual to satan when I was a baby.  God showed me the ritual and the site where it took place, I even described it to a friend and drew it at one point.  I could not understand why I was seeing this evil when I was very careful about what I watched, on tv and movies and in what I read.  How can this be in me when I have never seen or been around anything like it, ever!

I now understood why my dad said, satan was in me out to destroy my family.  I also understood why I was in a battle for my very life at every turn and for my soul.  I chose a different path than my Dad, and he had given me to satan a different task master than I followed. 

How to end up in the cross fire for sure.  The battle of good and evil was literally playing out in my life due to the choice my father made for me and the choice I had made for myself.

My Dad would often take out his anger upon me.  He would