Lethargy Saga Divano - Book 1: Divano 1

By Jessica Galera Andreu

The world of Tayra stops with the death of her boyfriend Alex in a fatal car accident. Everything that remained to be said and done takes on special meaning with the appearance of three strange people who claim to be angels and who are looking for the soul of one of their own, reincarnated in a human, whom they have to find before a fallen finds him. make. Tayra's chaotic existence is further accentuated if possible, although also, thanks to them, she is finally able to find an explanation for the mysterious presences that have haunted her for several months and to which she was beginning to get used to. Asalian, Diorah and Deos bring her up to date about a disorder between worlds that causes the possibility of passing from one dimension to another, parallel lives, where strangers can be friends; friends, strangers, and the dead may be alive. Different lives, different paths, and other decisions that generate an unknown existence for her. Tayra is forced to put her life in the hands of the three. The irrepressible attraction that Deos exerts on her will meet against her unconditional love for Alex, dragging her squarely into the Ancestral war between good and evil, a battle as old as her own feelings.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BadPress
• Release date: May 25, 2021
• ISBN: 9781071586723

Book preview

1 Something that I only see

The city lights are distinguished in the distance, lighting the dark horizon of small orange sparks. The cloudy sky does not leave place for the stars or the moon, which might be reaching its full phase. It is as if all the stars had come down from the sky, conglomerating on the coast. The wind roars in my ears, dragging everything else, taking away the sound of the waves breaking on the rocks and the screams of the teenagers who gather in this place to carry out any madness that may come to mind. The old lighthouse is located on a small islet that emerges from the depths of the sea itself, and ceased to work as such many, many years ago, more than we have experienced ourselves. It is now abandoned and half-ruined, but it has become a place for fun to many young people. It’s not extremely far from the coast, although arriving by swimming, apart from being reckless, it has become a fashion. In summer, it is very common to see the boys of the city and surroundings come here to spend the day or the night, but for a while now, swimming across the distance that separates it from the beach is not long enough anymore. There are not a few that keep coming to this place despite of the recommendations and prohibitions to stop doing so, Cala de Salve they call it. They say that when the lighthouse worked, the tower was the salvation of wandering ships that were lost on stormy nights. I guess that is where its name comes from. I do not know, and I am not sure if I’m looking for some kind of salvation or maybe just the complete opposite. I arrived with Vika and the others by nightfall, swimming, as the ritual requires. For some time, I was part of the swimming team of the institute, so crossing the distance that separates the coast from this place was not so difficult for me and I am not extremely tired either. What is indeed making it hard for me to decide is to jump. I have been hanging on the railing for a while now, on the outside of the balcony and I am not capable to let go. Several have already done it before me, but there is something holding me back and I do not think it is too complicated to know that plain and simple, it is fear. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, feeling in my face the warmth of the two torches that someone has placed up here, preventing the darkness from engulfing everything. There are also torches below, glowing enough to make out the rocks and the water breaking at the base of the lighthouse.

In recent months I have jumped into an endless amount of crazy things that I would have never believed myself capable of: taking part in car races, jumping between buildings, sneaking into other people’s houses, stealing. These are not the proudest actions that I have made in my life, but they are the only type of things that keep my mind one hundred percent focused on something that prevents the systematic reproduction of my most redundant thoughts.

Since last year I have been listening, day after day, to the same phrases in my head; I visualize the same faces, the same images, I develop the same theories, the same possibilities of what I could have done and I didn’t. And it is a torment that I was not finding a way to escape from until I started hanging out with Vika’s gang. In the institute, she was considered a freak, along with her boyfriend Anton and her friends, that take classes in another place —those who still do so—. They are guided by a constant search for danger, to have their adrenaline to the limit, to live on the edge. Vita et mors videtur specimen termino. Life and death seem ideal limits to me. It’s her motto, that everyone gets tattooed on some part of their body when they enter her particular club, an honor that I still don’t deserve, although I don’t even know what to do for it.

I open my eyes again, focus on the base of the lighthouse and while one side of me struggles to banish what comes to my mind, the other side wants to open up to it with all of its strengths. The point of inflection, the day that everything changed, the reason why I am as I am today. His name was Alexander and he was seventeen years old. We would have turned a year together three days after it all happened, even though probably it would not have been the best anniversary. We had argued about something that, at the time, seemed the world to me and today it is nothing more than a solemn stupidity. Alex spent three days chasing me, calling me, sending me notes that invited me to go to the old basketball court. But I ignored them all. Later I learned that his older brother and he had been in a car accident. Gabriel could tell it, Alex, not. Since then, my world has stopped and I have been stuck in that disastrous week, in my last words sending him to hell, in his persistence that we could solve things out and in the stupid way in which I sent all to fret. Now I can’t help thinking that if I had listened to him, if I had agreed to speak to him, if I hadn’t been so stubborn, maybe he would still be alive. Sometimes I think it is a stupid thought, but I can’t help but create a thousand alternatives that wouldn’t have taken him there. However, truth is that I cannot change the reality therefore, I need to adapt it to a way in which everything is more bearable. I want the sensible, mature and responsible girl that I always was to disappear in favor of the crazy person that I am now, the irresponsible one, the one that doesn’t care or worry; I want caution to give way to madness; that the precaution yields in favor of the danger and that the Tayra that thought things a thousand times before daring to take a step forward, throws herself headlong into everything that comes without considering the consequences on the slightest way. That is the reason why in the last few months I put aside my friendships, my habits, my world and everything that reminds me in the least of my previous life, my life with Alex.

I open my eyes again and the vertiginous fall keeps calling me to, simply, open my fingers, that hold the railing with all of my strength that I have lacked in this time. Or is it about the guys crying out for me to stop hesitating and jump. This is what they do and what they expect from me, the reason why they accepted me, despite of the initial doubts from most of Vika’s friends. I am not even sure why she tried to convince them to give me an opportunity and the only thing that comes to mind is that, somehow, Vika herself had a special feeling with Alex. I saw them speak a few times, but it used to coincide with those occasions in which her somber countenance turned into a smile; some time ago I came to think that Alex liked her; all the girls at school liked Alex and in fact, during our whole relationship I was unable to stop wondering why me; why he chose me. The idea was a torment that derived from exposing my endless list of flaws in front of the exultant virtues that other girls had, so little by little I stopped wondering the reason why he was by my side, I dedicated myself to enjoy it and to downplay whatever it was that brought Alex and Vika together.

Jump now!

The voices come muffled from down below and the bellowing of the wind makes it even more difficult to hear, but I know they urge me to do it at once. I keep feeling my heart in my throat and I’m about to throw it out of my mouth when I hear more laughter and screaming right behind me. I move away in embarrassment, holding myself harder to the railing of the balcony, as more teenagers come here, rowdy, screaming and laughing. I don’t know them, so I know they haven’t come with us, but they are determined as my new gang to fly. The first one to cross to the other side of the railing is a brunet guy with a skinny-looking and bony body; he crosses himself and jumps without thinking. The cheers did not take long to burst at my side and then, without further delay, a girl follows him; she has long, wavy, ash blonde hair that looks even darker when worn wet. She turns for a moment, kisses a boy in the mouth, and jumps among more applause. I do not know if I admire her determination or sympathize with her madness. I guess I will do the second, though I struggle to end up doing the first. Now is the turn of the boy that the girl just kissed and while the ritual of cheers, applause and other antics is carried out, my eyes meet the gaze of Daniel Walcott, Alex’s little brother. He is sixteen years old and although we had always gotten along great, since the death of his brother, everything changed radically. We had not spoken again, but within every look I detected the clearest hatred. The reason is as simple as it is understandable: in the absurd and necessary attempt to banish Alex’s memory so that I didn’t end up consuming myself, I started to care less entangling with boys that I didn’t even know. It does not matter that I don’t expect anything from them, that they don’t have anything to offer me. The only thing that I look for is to look as little as possible to who I was before, to create the reality that Tayra left with Alex and that here there is only one stupid girl who has nothing to do with him or her. But his brother sees it this way: for him I’m only a carefree girl that has not given Alex the slightest consideration, that hasn’t needed any time to look for something similar to a substitute or several and that though the truth is too far from that, I can understand that this is what he has perceived because is what I have wanted to project. The truth is that in the spiral of madness and self-destruction that I am going into, there are days that I am capable to see it all with clarity and feel the biggest crap in the world.

Dani is wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, and his hair, darker than Alex’s, is wet. Seeing him turns extremely painful to me, not because of his opinion of me, but because of the resemblance, he has with his deceased brother. His same slanted eyes though of a darker blue; his same little nose, his same mouth. He comes close and leans his hands on the railing while he looks the empty that is just distinguished by the little light there is.

What a surprise! he exclaims. I did not expect to find you here, though I cannot say I dislike it either.

I look at him without knowing what to say; I didn’t expect him to come talk to me and I feel that the knot I had in my stomach a moment ago in the face of having to jump from a reckless height, becomes tighter by the fact of him staring at me. It is much worse.

The possibility that you end up stamped against the rocks gives me the creeps, but of course, for that you would have to have the guts to jump, right?

What are you doing here? I’s the only thing I can ask.

Attending your finale. I hope.

Dani, cut the crap.

He looks at me and although I know that I am the one who has carved out the image that everyone has of me, something inside me needs to explain that things are not what they seem to be, that my stupid affairs with guys whose names I don’t even remember, they are a ridiculous way of trying to keep the memory of his brother from anchoring me to the bottom of a life from which I will be unable to come out. But I am sure that I have never loved anyone like him, that he is the only boy that I have ever been in love with and I very much doubt that I will ever be, I don’t even try it. I don’t want to.

What? he asks. Aren’t you going to ask anything else?

Suddenly I notice that my legs are shaking, and the palms of my hands start to sweat. He grabs my arm tight.

Why don’t you jump?

I try to move away and hold to the railing again, but I feel in his grasp the desire to see me, as he said himself, crashed into the rocks that form the base of the lighthouse. It’s evident that he would give anything to see me occupying his brother’s place and even now that we are an abyss apart, it is a common thought between him and me. But now it is the fear that dominates me while he continues to be guided by that need, I just want to cross to the other side of the railing and get out of here.

Let me go, I murmur.

Don’t you dare? What are you doing then? They have clear ideas and their pulse does not tremble. He points down with his head, to the guys that have already jumped from the top of the lighthouse. in fact, there is only one boy left who frowns at us and shrugs before following the others. You are a dawn coward who does not even know what she wants. If you do not dare to jump from here, go down, jump into the water and go back to the city; maybe a current will catch you and your death is something much worse than a quick dry impact.

As he spits out all those words at me, he continues holding me and I notice the blood contained in my arm, uncapable to keep circulating due to the force that he applies to it. I stumble and end up facing him, trying to cross to the other side, holding up to Dani, but it is evident that he is not up for the job of being my grip. He is a year younger than me, but taller. I stop that kind of struggle when I notice someone else’s figure; I thought they had all jumped, but there is still a girl left. I freeze when I step forward and manage to distinguish her through the glare of the sizzling fire up here. She’s got blood on her face, a wound gushing from her temple, her clothes ripped, and her arms covered in scratches.

What happened to you? I ask, frightened.

Dani turns, diverting his gaze to the exact place from which that girl has just appeared. Then, he looks at me again and I believe I detect a change in the expression on his face. He has stopped straining and I manage to slide a leg to the safe side of the balcony. He backs away a bit.

Are you ok? I walk over to the girl and put a hand on her shoulder; she’s freezing. Did you hurt yourself jumping? I take the cellphone out of my pocket. I’ll ask for help, don’t worry. What’s your name?

Dani keeps looking at me, motionless and totally silent. I have not even had the chance to dial when the girl advances towards me, dragging me and pushing me into the emptiness. I lose the mobile phone from the hand and I can just perceive the anguished sensation of my stomach shrinking and coming out of my mouth as the cold wind hits my back and my scream dies without coming out. Then, a strong impact that immerses me in the coldness of the water; I see everything dark around me and I feel the lack of air in my lungs. I try to kick, to search in vain for an exit with my hands, but I can only find cold, emptiness, nothingness. Until someone pulls me up and I find myself on the surface. Vika’s boyfriend drags me holding me by my shirt until I am able to hold onto a rock myself. While he climbs up and sits behind his girlfriend, I cough for a few seconds, in which I try to recover my breath.

Good! Vika exclaims. Your jump is going to cost me a dinner, but it was worth it. I took it for granted that you wouldn’t dare, but I’m starting to be glad I trusted you.

He holds out his hand and though I hesitate at first, I accept it and come out of the freezing water, shivering and with my clothes clinging to my body. Someone hands me a towel and I wrap myself in it, unable to even look up and remove the image of that bloody girl from my head.

*****

The sun starts to appear on the horizon, tinting the sky in a mauve hue color that battles in a victorious duel with the darkness of the night. If the stars succumbed to the prison of clouds in which the firmament enclosed them, the sun throws a warning of unbeaten. The sky is practically clear, though the cold has worsened, causing that, although I have managed to dry myself, I haven’t been able to stop shivering. I look around and am surprised to see some boys sleeping among the rocks that make up the base of the lighthouse. Most of them are inside the tower, sheltered by its cold walls, but I haven’t been able to sleep neither inside nor outside. To the nightmares that haunt me from a while now, has been added what I experienced the night before: the meeting with Dani, his words, the struggle, the injured girl, the fall. If it had not been for how late it was, I would have returned home, because the wave of stormy sensations that normally overwhelms me, some more have been added last night: I feel confused by everything, hurt with Dani and guilty because I haven’t told anyone about what happened up there; because if there is an injured girl in this place I haven’t said anything so someone call and ask for help. I don’t even know where she can be, but no one seems to miss her. She didn’t come with us, I’m sure of that, but neither with the other boys, the ones that Dani must have arrived with, have mentioned anything about it. What if she came alone? I snort, saturated by the thousand ideas that cross my mind, even the dire ones. I turn my head at the sound of footsteps, and I notice the figure of Alex’s brother. I hadn’t seen him since last night and in fact he pretends not to see me; he is wearing the same jeans and black sweatshirt whose hood covers his brown head. He keeps his hands in his pockets and his gaze, lost on the horizon. He is bare foot. I sit up and struggle between the need to go talk to him and the need to run away from him. But faced with the dilemma I find myself walking towards the place where he is. How can I ignore the situation?

I’m by his side, he must be aware of my presence, but he doesn’t tell me anything.

Where is she? I asked with hardly voice.

Now he does turn around and look at me. I guess he just woke up and hasn’t had the time to collect in his gaze all the hatred that he directed to me the night before.

Go away.

That girl was hurt.

Go-a-way, he repeats.

Dani, this is not something between you and me. You hate me and I assume it; probably I deserve it, but I’m talking about a girl that...

What bloody girl are you talking about? he exclaims, upset.

I look at him in silence, confused. Are you kidding me?

The girl that was up there last night, was hurt. She had blood on her face and arms, you saw her just like I did. Who is she?

He smiles and shakes his head.

Besides being a bitch, you’re stupid? I have no idea of who you are talking about. Up there it was just you and me, though you started chattering alone.

What are you saying? You had to see her just like me. She pushed me, Dani.

I was the one who pushed you, you crazy bitch, he yells, and some guys wake up.

I’m uncapable to answer. It cannot be true; I didn’t imagine it. I touched her, she was freezing, and he didn’t even move when she pounced on me. She was the one who made me fall and not him.

I shake my head, but Dani gets so close that I stop and keep silence.

You are darn crazy, he whispers to me. Then he walks slowly until he gets vanish inside the tower.

Dani! He didn’t even stop. He says that he pushed me, but, though it might be the product of a traitorous thought, I want to think that he was helping me not to fall. Yet, as stupid it may seem, it casts doubt in my head. Did I imagine it? Was it really him that made me fall? I look up to the top of the lighthouse, but now I can only see the railing that I was clinging to for minutes, uncapable to take a leap that I finally saw doomed to, not by my own will and I would swear that neither by Dani’s will though he would have wanted to do it.

*****

The sun is already rising much higher and I feel the heat it radiates, although not even its rays are capable to shake off the cold sensation that is inside my bones. I have managed to find my cellphone or what is left of it; I lost it when falling from the lighthouse and I cannot help but shudder thinking that if I went into the water, this old thing fell on the rock. It could have been me. And it would have been the end of many things, but also the beginning of others: the ordeal of my parents, my grandmother, my brother. I live with these last two, because my parents thought that a change of scene would be better for me, since the misfortune due to Alex’s accident, their divorce was added and my home became, at times, a pressure cooker from which my brother and I are allowed to escape. My mom lives in the same city, but in the other end; my father, in another city, and if all the changes in my attitude were intended to banish everything from my past life, the change of address also helps. The only thing that I keep intact is the institute. Things were complicated enough to start from scratch there too, and Richard and Madeleine, my parents, concluded that having me to adjust to a new school and catch up in the middle of the school year would be a disservice, so I continue studying in the same place where I did when Alex lived and that will be, at least, until the end of the course. That is the reason why I hate to be there, the reason I skip classes constantly, although less than I would love to, because my grandma has taken extreme control over me in recent months. Sometimes I am surprised by the extreme maturity with which my brother, who is only fifteen years old, copes with this whole situation, without a doubt he sees it in a better way than I do. He gets along very well with my grandmother, so it is not that he will remember this season as the most terrible of his life because of living in her house. I had also gotten along with her until now, but her tight control and my lack of motivation for everything, have slightly frayed our deal. When she gets home, she will be furious. I have spent the night out again and I haven’t told her, to make things worse I have come to this place that she has strictly forbidden me, although that is a detail that she will not know.

If last night I witnessed all the boys that jumped from the lighthouse while doubts entered me, now I am witnessing their march towards the coast, which is visualized in the distance. This time is not the fear that stops me, but it is usually difficult for me to start doing something. I notice a hand over my shoulder and realize that is Vika.

Ready to go back home? I nod Hey, you haven’t said a word all night, are you okay?

I take a deep breath and look at Vika; she is a strange girl or maybe I am the strange one and the whole world seems out of place. She wears a nose ring and her hair, of a bright red, doesn’t quite touch her shoulder. She always wears black, something that contrasts her pale skin, and she has huge tattoos in her arms, just like her boyfriend, who is even more striking than she is. Her tattoos extend to her neck and her eyes, piercing black, are hidden under long locks of her hair, also black. It would be scary if he weren’t the partner of a girl that I know since I was five years old, despite the little coexistence we’ve always had.

I observe a group of unknown boys, who jump into the water too, and begin to swim.

Who are they? I ask.

No idea, she answers. There are some boys from the institute, but I don’t know most of them. Anyway! Unfortunately, the lighthouse is not our private property and the night was not bad either. I admit I had my doubts about you, Tayra, but I’m beginning to be glad that I allowed you to become one of us.

I nod and that’s when I see Dani heading towards the water. Vika moves away to go back to the others and I walk towards him.

Dani. I call him. He takes off his sweatshirt and ties it around his waist between the giggles and elbows of his friends when he sees me arrive. I want to talk to you.

He closes his eyes as he breathes in a deep breath.

Leave me alone, ok? I don’t want you to speak to me again in your fucking life.

You are a fucking moron.

His friends make the laughter louder. He turns and comes closer to me.

And you, a bitch.

Perhaps something inside me instinctively pushes me to defend myself, but I’m not even aware of my actions as I respond to him by smiling defiantly.

You have already said that you are very unoriginal.

It is the only thing that comes to mind when I see you.

It didn’t happen to you before.

You used to pretend very well.

I never pretended to love your brother.

Wash your mouth before talking about him and don’t do it when you’ve walked it through so many others.

I slap him loudly and instantly regret it. Only I know my feelings and my intentions, the most sincere and truthful, my inner bitterness, the pity that I sometimes awaken towards myself, but what he sees is what he is describing, what I want to project. I can’t blame him for thinking what he thinks or saying what he says.

The motor of an approaching boat interrupts the tension generated and is possibly the only reason why he doesn’t hit me back, even if my heart was already shrunk after what happened with Dani, Gabriel’s arrival doesn’t make things easier; he is Dani’s and Alex’s older brother. They are three. They were three. When he stops the boat there, jumps onto the rocks and grabs his brother by the arm.

Get in there right now, he commands him. Dani’s eyes are still burning with anger, but he jerks away with a brusque gesture and obeys without question. His four friends follow him, no longer laughing, and join him and the boy who arrived with Gabriel, his friend, I suppose. If running into Dani in this place had a great impact on me, running into Gabriel multiplies the feeling; because he is his older brother, because if a child as Dani has noticed things, he must be even more aware and because I don’t think that what they both think will differ too much."

Gabriel looks at me as he brushes his hair back from his face; the wind is still blowing strongly though to a lesser extent than it did the night before and not so cold. He looks more like Alex than Dani and seeing him is especially painful for me, although in this case the reason is different: they are irrational, illogical thoughts and they make me feel ashamed of myself, but in Gabriel I see the last person who saw him alive, the one who breathed the same air, the one who took him in the car where he died. Gabriel is older — he’s nineteen years old — and doesn’t study in the institute anymore, but I used to see him every Friday afternoon when the guys played soccer on the field behind the library. Alex used to say that he rather faces him than having him in his team, soccer is not his cup of tea.

What are you doing here? he asks me.

I swallow hard and I’m unable to respond.

I..., I babble like an idiot.

What’s wrong with all of you in this damn place? Do you all need to jump from there to prove anything?

It’s not that.

Then, what is it? Since when are you doing these stupidities, Tayra? You have nothing to do with these people, risking their lives for nothing, just for fun. And I’m talking to the same person who warned my brother when he opened a can so he wouldn’t cut himself.

I tense like a rope; hearing the mention of Alex from Gabriel’s mouth has achieved this effect although I’m not sure why.

Get on the boat, I’ll take you home.

No. He had turned away, but Gabriel stops and looks at me. I don’t think it is a good idea. I’d rather go back with Vika and the others.

He gives me a long look and even though I would love to know what he’s thinking, on the other hand I appreciate not having the slightest clue.

I suppose that swimming back is the least of all this. Be careful.

He returns to the boat and doesn’t take long to disappear towards the city.  He hasn’t been as clear nor direct as Dani, but has been dry, tight. He hates me as much as his brother, despite that my relationship with him was always the most cordial and complicit. But that must be normal too.

*****

I turn on the shower tap and take off my shirt and pants; I rest my hands on the sink while I wait for the hot water to run. I look at myself in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself. My long brown hair has been imprisoned for a week in a braid that doesn’t even look like it; I have lost the color on my cheeks and very dark circles furrow under my eyes the color and expression which many have praised. They are green or they were. They are dull, sad and tired of crying. When I see the mist coming out of the shower, I take off my underwear and step inside, flinching at the perception that the water is too hot; I regulate it and rest my hands on the wall. I close my eyes and let the stream run over my head, onto my skin. I feel as if a layer of something is covering me that suffocates me, and I am unable to get rid of it.

*****

When I get to the kitchen, I find my brother deep in thoughts, nervous because he is late for school and must wait for me to drive him. The sense of responsibility in a boy of just fifteen years never ceases to amaze me, but Sean’s self-demand on himself is, sometimes, exasperating. The lack of punctuality makes him acquire that nervous attitude that he shows off now; puts his stuff over the table almost with a pinpoint obsession: the cutlers, pencils during class, the angle of the laptop when opening it. But if this phlegm has always been something opposed to me, now is more accentuated.

I sit casually and pour myself a glass of milk and cereal. My hair is still wet, and I have replaced my outfit with a plaid shirt and jeans, which are also ripped. Sean pierces me with his gaze and I can’t help but feel uneasy.

"What the hell