The Unfortunate Kingdom: The Sven Kingdoms, #1

By angus rorison

How do you kill a foe that's already dead?

The huge genius of a chef Ogbar (species unknown) finds himself facing this problem just as he is called upon to produce a feast that will save the kingdom of Hewslez from ruin.

All anyone wanted was a decent king. Unfortunately the selfish, scheming and accident-prone Yoozurp rises to the top, obliterating all hope of reconciliation with his eccentric and powerful neighbours that surround the kingdom.

Perhaps the kitchen holds the key. Maybe Ogbar and his band of orphaned misfits can conjure up a feast to save the day. However, the chef's past comes back to haunt him (literally) at just the wrong time.

As they struggle to save the kingdom the kitchen staff learn more about each other than they bargained for in this madcap tale of life, love, the after-life and the perfect way to cook a platypus.

The first Sven Kingdoms book is a dark comedy set in a medieval fantasy world for fans of Mervyn Peake's Gormenghast, KJ Parker, Jason Fforde and anyone who's ever wondered how to catch a poltergeist.

• Language: English
• Publisher: angus rorison
• Release date: Jan 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393958482

Book preview

For Louis and Fred

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Cover art and design by Micheal Graham

Picture of The Magnificent Sven by Wiz

The Unfortunate Kingdom

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The author, Angus Rorison, is a person. Born in Zambia and now living mostly in Kent, England. He plays the guitar, is married, has many children and a wonderful wife. This is his first published book and he hopes you like it lots so that he can write lots more.

Racing and hunting madden the mind,

Rare goods tempt men to do wrong.

Therefore, the sage takes care of the belly, not the eye.

He prefers what is within to what is without.

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Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching (chapter 12)

The Sven Kingdoms

... were founded by The Magnificent Sven - Conqueror of Land and Peoples, Bringer of Wealth and Bearer of Many Children - and his wives Metz and Nancy a thousand years before our tale is told.

The centre of the Sven Kingdoms

Cast

At the time of King Yoozurp...

HEWSLEZ

The Royal Family:

King Horatio (Yoozurp’s late father)

Raymond (Yoozurp’s elder brother, briefly the king)

King Yoozurp

The Kitchen:

Ogbar, head chef

Edna, principal assistant, formerly a cleaner

Franc, assistant chef, from Grenwii in Hordinaire

Colin, from the capital city

Myrtle, from the Fiddling Fruit Growers region

Hammy, Barry, Mary, Midge, Bolshi – kitchen workers

Tony The Terrible, former head chef

The Palace:

Barbara - Edna’s great grandmother

Clod, Darren - jailers

The Last Meal Cook

Harold the Herald

Capital City and beyond:

General Hugh Cuttemup

Clara (Colin’s Aunt), and his father

Brian (a trader), and his wife (an inn keeper)

HORDINAIRE

King Norman and Queen Audrey

STENTCH

King Le Ardy and The Queen of Hart

LITTLEBUNG

His Most Reverend Eyeyam The Self-Appointed Forever Leader

NOMESSINA

Prince Fernando and his fiancée Sharmina

CACHELOT

King Peyup and Queen Laundra

Count Lotz, Minister of Finance

KREEM

Princess Godley, the Regent of Kreem

1 - Prince Yoozurp

Everybody loved Prince Raymond, first born and heir to the throne of Hewslez. He was a cute and good looking child, and even as a toddler showed great wit and charm, making all those around him smile in delight at his babblings. And he walked from an early age – surely yet another sign that he was destined to be a wonderful king.

As the first child was turning out so well, King Horatio of Hewslez had been eagerly awaiting the birth of his second child, keen that he should have a daughter – someone to give away to another royal family. A bargaining chip in the endless game of power in the Sven Kingdoms. He hoped she would be pretty too, that would help. But he didn’t hold out much hope; he knew that the nickname for his wife was Hilda Horseface. Luckily, in the looks department Raymond seemed to be turning out to be quite different from his mother (many people had some scandalous theories about that).

When the time to hold his new arrival came it didn’t last long. Horatio grabbed the child. It was spindly and pale, with a long face and squeaking cry.

A boy, your majesty, said the palace doctor.

Oh. Urgh. An ugly one at that, opined his majesty, holding his second son at arm’s length. And how is the queen?

Dead, your majesty. The birth was a terrible strain, we did all we could.

Oh. Well, some good news at last. What a mixed day. Here, replied the king, handing back the repugnant child. I’m off to my quarters. They’re rather, erm, dirty. Send the cleaner, would you?

The doctor nodded in obeyance. "Yes, of course, as you desire, your majesty."

Horatio waddled off down one of the palace’s many corridors, blissfully unaware of what he had brought into the world.

2 - Your Majesty, not Papa

The offending child was named Yoozurp – a rather derogatory name since it was also the name of Horatio’s step-uncle, from the warlike kingdom of Kreem, who had once led an unsuccessful rebellion against Horatio’s father.

Being the younger brother, Yoozurp was not brought up to be sensible, wise and king-like, but was spoiled – given a new toy and told to go away and play.  It was commonly thought that his life would be spent in the shadow of his well-educated sporty elder brother who, whilst shorter than Yoozurp stood taller than him in so many other ways.

Papa, said the young Yoozurp one day.

"It’s Your Majesty, Yoozurp. You must get used to calling me that. Can’t have you embarrassing me in front of anyone important," retorted his father. Yoozurp bristled inside, but held his tongue, partially.

Raymond’th going hunting tomorrow, can I go hunting?

Now don’t be silly, boy, you won’t be king, no need for you to learn hunting, run along and play now.

Yoozurp took this badly. He stomped down the corridor and kicked open the door to his elder brother’s room, catching him canoodling with a young woman. He turned around and shouted back down the corridor Papa! Raymond’th ...

No Yoozurp! NOT Papa! I just told you! interrupted his majesty, giving Raymond enough time to rush to the door and slam it, bashing his younger, weaker brother to the ground.

Yoozurp once again lay on the ground, the pain both physical and mental burning him up. One day, he muttered to himself. One day.

As he grew Yoozurp had a wiry, angular physique, much like a lizard standing on its hind legs. He stuttered and played with his fingers while he talked and generally gave the impression of an impressive lack of intelligence.  In fact, what he really lacked was tact – he hid his cleverness and thought everyone else inferior to him.  Naturally he hated physical talents like hunting and riding.  These were not for him, and he considered all those good at these sort of things (such as Raymond) to be idiotic brutes.  He had to fill time by himself. He was not given to reading or nature or any other constructive pursuits. Instead he quickly progressed from pulling the legs off spiders to ... well, no one liked to discuss it openly but you wouldn’t want to be a kitten at the castle.  Especially on the top floor. And there were rumours of slings, and frogs.

No one recognised him and few cared for or about him. He was never included on royal business and became increasingly distant from his family, skulking around the palace getting up to no good. Horatio wondered what to do with him – for a while. In the end he simply tried not to think about Yoozurp, horrified as he was even by the sound of his son who’s whining, lisping voice reminded him so of his late and unlamented wife Hilda.

3 - Friend

Prince Yoozurp generally spent his time avoiding people. This was usually quite easy since most people actively avoided him, unless they had the misfortune to stumble across his company.

As a youth he was bereft of friends. He did not attend school – not after the being-hung-by-his-underpants-from-a-gargoyle-on-the-third-floor incident, or the time he filled the school piano with worms. He had so enjoyed the thwumpking sound the piano hammers had made on the strings as they hit the defenceless creatures, bits of which fell onto the dainty feet of the palace school mistress. And he had delighted in the sound of her screams, and the way the girls had run out of the room.

There was only one person he bonded with. His late mother, Hilda, had originated from Stentch, the mountainous and sulphurous land to the south-west. When the king and queen had come to stay at the palace for an extended visit Hilda’s nephew Le Ardy had come with them. He too was an awkward child. They hadn’t spoken when everyone first met but Yoozurp found him later with stolen eggs from the kitchen. He had cornered a lame pigeon in a courtyard and was throwing eggs at it. Yoozurp laughed gleefully at this and asked the boy if he could join in. Together they peppered the walls and windows with yolky mess until they were chased away by an irate cook.

They prowled around the corridors, towers and balconies of the palace sneering at everything and everyone they passed. Yoozurp led Le Ardy onto a battlement-framed roof from where they looked down upon the unguarded heads of soldiers.

Watch this, said Yoozurp. He proceeded to make squelchy, gurgling noises. Ghchweeeoinkh! Krghruaaankmn-gch-gch, he went, swilling his mouth around. He leaned perilously far over the battlements and pursed his lips, letting go a long, viscous and gloopy string of snotty spit. Le Ardy stared in utter admiration and followed the thirty foot descent of the discharge down to its target. It looked as if it would miss its target altogether but instead landed, unseen by the guard, on the tip of his spear, a foot or two above his head. The boys looked down – disappointed, but not for long. The guard yawned and his spear moved inwards.

Come on! urged Yoozurp. They watched in glee as Yoozurp’s excretion released itself from the tip of spear and, like a delicate spider’s web, attached itself to the edge of the guard’s nose.

Yeurgh! exclaimed the poor guard, flapping at his nose. This only achieved the inevitable of wrapping more of the foul stuff around his hand and onto his face as he tried to wipe it off. He ended up doing some hideous dance, as if he’d been invaded by biting ants.

Oi Reg! shouted the guard at the other side of the entrance to which they’d been posted, What you doing? You’re gonna get us in trouble!

Up on the battlements the boys were in hysterics. Yoozurp was hardly able to stand up straight, but Le Ardy pulled himself together. He ran a few yards to the right.

Watch the other guard! he urged his new friend. Yoozurp, still convulsing, leaned over. A few seconds later a jet of liquid arced out from the building and made its way towards the head of the other, now equally unfortunate guard. Yoozurp’s ecstatic shrieking caused the soaked guard to look up. The pair bolted.

There were a few trips to Stentch for young Yoozurp and a couple more visits to Hewslez for Le Ardy, but one day, when the pair of them should have long gotten over their fart-lighting and belching contests Le Ardy stopped visiting. He became king of Stentch and as such, had more important things to do. Yoozurp retreated again into his odd little world and concentrated on avoiding meaningful company.

4 - Edna

The palace of Hewslez (and there was only one, unlike Nomessina which had one for each season) was situated a few miles south of Capital, the capital city of Hewslez. The city had been named by Umlaut the Unimaginative a hundred or so years previously. The palace was simply known as the palace. It sat at the top of the road. Many palaces would try and sit proudly at the top of such roads but the best that can be said here is that the palace sat at the top of the road. It occupied the space.

Within its walls, soldiers, generals, dukes, lords and ladies came and went. Its permanent occupants were the royal family and their staff. Many of the butlers, officials, and the kitchen staff lived inside the palace, in some of the less glamorous wings, where towers were crumbling and gutters hung loose. A few parts were more salubrious. The king’s quarters were high up and had a view over the surrounding plains and rivers, and he could take breakfast or entertain guests in one of the rooms overlooking the formal gardens.

However, the majority of the staff, the cleaners, the footmen, the carpenters, the gardeners and other general dogs-bodies lived in huts that clung to the eastern ramparts in the way that limpets cling to rocks at low tide or children cling to their mother in times of dire need for food. The huts were made of wood, straw, mud, whatever could be put together to form walls and roofs. Inside they were dark and unwelcoming, but when a place is home it is your home and you make the best of it.

Within one of those parasitic huts, Edna was born one warm, sticky day, attended to by other cleaners and palace staff.

Ooh bless you, it’s a girl! cried one.

Looks just like her father! said another.

Don’t look nothing like ‘im! exclaimed a third, which was a point that Edna never got to judge upon herself. When asked, all she was told was that her father had been a soldier and that he was no more.

Edna’s life story was not a glamorous one. She came from a long line of cleaners, from one of the many families indentured to the palace. They were granted a small piece of land outside their hut from which they were expected to feed themselves from whilst working themselves to the ground for the palace elite. She grew in years but not much in height, maybe due to the lack of food she experienced during some harsh winters as a young girl and even harsher treatment of the lower orders by the powers that be.

Edna’s mother was a cleaner, and Edna’s grandmother was a cleaner, and Edna’s great-grandmother, Barbara, had been a cleaner, but more importantly she was quite, quite mad, and lived very happily in a large flower pot in the stable of a horse called Nibby-Nobbet-Zing-Bop. At least, that’s what she called him. He was a giant shire horse (officially called Shire Number 4) and he adored Barbara, all four foot one inch of her. Tiny Barbara, age unknown, would curl up in her barrel in the corner of Nibby-Nobbet-Zing-Bop’s stable and sing love songs to him, and rhymes about the seasons

In Springtime I eat onions

And in Summer I drink wine

In Autumn I sniff marigolds

And in Winter I go hippety-hop in the snow with the pixies and I feel fine!

Suffice to say, she usually made them up on the spot. Edna, like others, had tried to help, or convince her to live in a normal house. But Barbara was not normal and lived in a parallel, happy universe. She was self-contained, the queen of her own domain, believing she was actually descended from a previous queen of Hewslez and would tell astonished and unbelieving listeners that she managed to corner, that the world was round, and there were other worlds whizzing around great balls of fire far away in the sky, and that everything was made of tiny, tiny little particles and that when we died we would be born again into new bodies.

Quite, quite mad. And so, in the end, her relatives had no qualms leaving her to it.

The road ahead for Edna looked narrow and straight. Grow up, clean, do what you’re told, tend to the hut, marry some poor groundskeeper or guard, clean, have kids, feed them and eventually make way for the next generation. If she was lucky, maybe she’d end up mad like her great grandmother and not give a fig about the world and its ways and be content to live in a stable with a giant horse. It’s