One Testimony At A Time

By Victoria Rose

One Testimony At A Time, was written to educate and advocate for domestic violence. Author Victoria Rose outlines the Power and Control Wheel, through the example characters of Dante and Maria, and their toxic relationship. She describes the intimate details of their relationship followed by analysis of every category of abuse. Their cycle of dysfunction is primarily based on Maria’s low self-esteem issues, and Dante’s narcissism. She takes the readers through her journey of self-care steps and recovery from abuse and post traumatic stress. Her hope through this publishing is to inspire women to recognize and release themselves from their cycles, provide information that defines abuse, and offers safety suggestions as well as help for ultimate self and professional recovery.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 5, 2020
• ISBN: 9781716916274

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Copyright © 2020 Victoria Rose.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any

means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission

of the author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews.

Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher

make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book

and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

ISBN: 978-1-6847-4155-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7169-1627-4 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 05/21/2020

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FOREWORD

July 15, 2019

Hello friends. I’ve had a lot of feedback over the past couple of years from my readers. I love hearing all of it. Many people have told me that my first book was difficult to read. It’s painful, sad, and made them cry. Imagine how I felt writing it. Imagine how I felt living the despair within myself. I had a friend just last week tell me that my book was dark. Well, friends, here’s another one. I’ve done a great degree of inner work. I’ve been through countless painful, sad experiences, that’s my reality. And that’s what I write about. The healing work that I’ve accomplished over the past few years has been excruciating. This book has been very difficult for me to write as well. It’s been necessary for me to express myself through my writing to help others and help myself to heal even further at the same time. After coming to a place of feeling healed, along with feeling ready to continue writing this book, I discovered that it has been triggering my panic attacks. I kept putting it aside, contemplating whether I should continue to write it or not, for the sake of my own physical and emotional health. As you know, I’m not the type of person that gives up. I didn’t want to write it for the sake of that stubbornness that lives within me. I wanted to write it for the same purpose that I have writing about autism. To share my experiences in hopes of educating people. There are so many issues in society that we learn from and need to heal from simultaneously. We all have our own. But there is a common ground that we can all relate to. I happen to talk about them very candidly. There hasn’t been much in my life that I haven’t been through. The most painful, tragic and yes dark occurrences teach us the most valuable lessons. It’s what pushes us to grow, evolve. They need to be released. If not, they will live inside your soul too long, interfere with your purpose, and resonate with your perceptions in a distorted way. They block you. It doesn’t disturb or embarrass me to release my inner pain in public, share my world. I know that it helps so many to feel as though they are not alone. If what I’ve learned can save or inspire even 100 people, then I’ve done my job. Every day that I put this book aside, I’d have an insight or inspiration intrude my thoughts suddenly. I could simply be walking down the street and there it was, nagging at me until released on paper. Before I knew it, I had such a multitude of notes that even I couldn’t organize them properly let alone understand my own scribble. Ok, God, I hear you. Take a deep breath and let it out.

It took a lot of contemplation and reflection to make a final decision on how I wanted to present this book to you. It’s been two years to the day, that I was assaulted in my home. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m looking to teach. Preach even. This is my testimony. I’m not a victim, nor do I have a victim mentality, as they say. I hate that phrase. Did you ever notice it comes from people who never had a man lay a hand on them? Or understand how that comes to pass? People who can’t identify with your circumstances? I do. I understand. I’m here to speak my mind, share my experiences, individual life lessons with you, in hopes that you know without doubt that you are never alone. I want to reach you, if you are currently involved in an unfortunate situation, help you to avoid these situations if you are not, and bring awareness to loved ones and friends as to how this feels to cope with. Heal from. Recover from trauma. At first, I wanted this to be an empowering book for woman. I wanted to tell my based on a true story third person version with you, all throughout, with examples of red flags, abuse, and toxic behavior. I began writing it that way, but I couldn’t continue. That’s not me. I don’t write in the third person. I’m also, not a coward. I hide behind nothing. So, I decided to write in my authentic style by speaking to all of you directly and give third person examples. I’ve learned the hard way that I am the creator of my own life, my own world, and that I can make it become whatever I want it to be. Write my own story over again as many times as I please. You see, all of my stories, began dark. That’s what life threw at me. I lived through those times, survived, and I turned them around. I changed my endings. Please allow me the opportunity to guide you to change yours.

It is my hope that this book will help men as well. For the narcissists out there, that are not capable of remorse, this isn’t for you. Pass it along. But for those who have a conscience, were possibly raised in a toxic environment and have ended up making the same circle of cycles that woman make until learning their lessons, I’d like to educate you as well. I want you to understand the repercussions of your behavior towards a woman and the damage that it can cause before you possibly make the decision to do so. If you have already, maybe I can help you to stop, and get help. I do believe that there are many men that can change if they so desire. Control themselves, through learning about themselves, where their anger triggers stem from and developing tools to balance themselves. Gain complete control of their emotions, and what appropriate actions follow. Just as females do. If I can get through to one man, make that difference, save that female from a lifetime of embedded memory of trauma, it’s worth every moment, second and hour that it has taken me to complete this book. The man that assaulted me, will never be capable of that. I didn’t save myself, and no one else did either.

Ladies, I’ll begin with how one can even begin to accept a friend in their life with any display of violent tendencies. Whether it be physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, or financial. For me, it was low self-esteem. Lack of self-worth, self-love. It began in childhood, the a-typical story. But true. Babies become children, who become adolescents, who become adults. What is not instilled in us can eventually be instilled of our own accord, it must be, to evolve. But first, needs to be recognized and understood. Identified. I have never believed in myself enough to follow through to my fullest potential. Until now. It took the rock bottom of relationships and abuse to learn my worth. Acknowledge myself. I lived through one of the most horrific experiences of my life, to morph into the woman I have become today. The answer sounds simple doesn’t it? Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Be you, unapologetically. For me, it hasn’t been simple, and my best guess is, for many of you reading my words now, it hasn’t been simple for you either. I understand. My journey has taken me through the dark days and nights of depression over my son’s condition, severe autism, to find the strength deep down in my soul to grab my core and rebuild. I acquired an education, learned what was normal acceptable behavior. There is barely a comparison to the woman that I am today to my prior self. When I look back, I can’t believe it was me. I went through periods of guilt and self-loathing over the type of behavior that I accepted into my life. I was so sad that I didn’t see what I was capable of and the strength that I had inside myself to have persevered and survived so much. But I see it now. Hopefully through reading this book, you will learn to lift yourself up as well, like yourself, love yourself, admire the multiple facets of your existence and make the most of them in your life.

People keep making the same cycles of mistakes until we learn our lesson. The universe gets louder until we do. Ladies the first thing that I would like to tell you is this. You are not responsible for anyone’s behavior. I’ve had to own my mistakes, learn about myself and why I made them. I had to come to terms with the fact that along with healing my depression, I needed to do the work also to heal my self-esteem issues. Even if you are aware that a man has a tendency to express anger in an unhealthy way, and even if you forgive him when he does, while the energy of your issues draw that into your being, it is not, I repeat, it is not your fault if he assaults you. Own where you need the work within yourself and take action. Ladies life is short. God is protecting you. If you are in a relationship that does not bring you peace, stop making excuses for unacceptable behavior and denying what is truly happening. There is a full world full of life and love out there. And you can’t get your time back.

Self-blame and guilt are a waste of time and serve no purpose. Why didn’t I believe in myself? Why didn’t I see all that I could achieve? I was determined to discover the answer because I certainly was never willing to experience the physical and emotional pain that I endured ever again. I knew I did not deserve that. I’ve always been a good person, kind considerate, compassionate. The only person I’ve ever hurt was myself. I owe myself the same respect and example of those qualities as well.

I had to backtrack and determine how and where I had lost myself. Why was I always blocked from moving forward? After digging deep into my childhood and how I felt about myself, what I believed to be true while approaching my adult years, I realized that having my son gave me the sole purpose of living my life. Oh, my heart, my son. My own purpose and skills were deterred with the amount of time, work, and patience that it took to raise a special needs child. Having a child with autism filled my heart with a love that I have never known before. I have never been so needed. I love so immensely to be needed. I love to give, and help. There is more empathy inside of my soul than anyone could imagine. I used all of my skills to raise and nurture him, help him progress, protect him, educate him, advocate for him. All without realizing that these were all skills that served a purpose for me and my own life, and how amazing that was. I still didn’t love myself. I just loved him. My depression over his condition decreased my self esteem due to my isolation. It just progressively became worse through the years. When my husband left us, I had become even further isolated. The rejection and grief experienced throughout my divorce period brought me to a place of despair, that I suppressed, and hadn’t recovered from. There wasn’t time. I was so immersed in giving my son what he needed that I never realized how much more work was necessary to heal my own grief. I needed help too. I neglected to include myself. I didn’t foresee the possibility of having a life of my own. Nor did I want one.

These depressive, self-depleting perceptions of myself drew in negative low vibrational energies, inhabited, embodied by people. I couldn’t say no to anyone when they asked for help. I allowed people to walk all over me for fear of not being liked or loved. I was a fighter don’t get me wrong about that, but for my son only. I had developed the mindset that no one would want to be with me in partnership, subjecting themselves to the sacrifices that I’ve had to make to take care of my son. No one would choose it by my side. At times I simply settled for the sake of company, for the type of men that came into my life, who were not remotely good enough for me. The energy I expelled into the universe brought me back precisely what I gave. I kept thinking, who else would stay? This life is too difficult to expect anyone to endure. I didn’t realize that a man could see me for exactly what I’m worth, respect and love me for the wonderful mother that I am. Maybe he’d want to stay for that reason. Ladies, I hope I can get through to you. Self-love is the single most important necessary gift and trait that you must have for your life. You do not have to be perfect. We all make mistakes. We’re human. Love your good and not so good qualities. It’s ok. It’s enough to be you. Say it with me please. It’s enough to be you.

Men, I pray that I can get through to you too. I’m a very strong woman. I can stand alone, for the rest of my life. My opinion and definition of what a real man is, is someone with whom I can feel a sense of security and safety with. I know that doesn’t make me weak. It’s wonderful to experience reassurance through kind words and actions. Being someone’s best friend. Protecting your family in all ways. When you speak hate and cruelty into a woman’s soul, they won’t forget. Those words can speak to her every day, and ruin her life, if she doesn’t believe in herself enough to combat them. Physical assault and trauma can stay with a woman for the rest of her life. She will always have the visions there in her mind. Always feel it in her body, and it can possibly interfere with relationships in her future. Even with friends. It doesn’t go away. It takes a great deal of strength to do the work to balance the trauma from within and live with it, while maintaining a full complete happy and productive life. There are many forms of taking a person’s life away. This is one of them. Please think about what I am saying to you and do the work on yourself that is necessary. It will be for your own happiness as well. Some men need to learn what is normal as well as women do. Let’s work on this together and save some lives.

After I was assaulted, I received extensive therapy through the Domestic Abuse Project. They taught me safety tools, and ways to cope daily with post traumatic stress. Mine of which included panic attacks, night terrors, visions, and fear of enclosed spaces. They provided me with written information, quite common, of examples of different types of abuse. From my experiences, I’d like to share with you some examples, as well as how it feels at the time to experience them. I’d like to offer you advice and guidance from what I have learned as well as my healing process. I want to lift you, inspire you to want to live your best life. We only have one. We can’t hit that rewind button, but we sure can control our present state. I’m sending you my love and understanding. Thank you for yours.

I am currently in the best relationship I have ever had. It’s with myself.

Welcome to my platform.

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ONE TESTIMONY AT A TIME

Hello all. Time to share, heal, create, educate, and work on self- love. As I stated in my forward, two years ago, I was assaulted in my home. Following that incident, I attended therapy sessions for several months to work on my post traumatic stress symptoms. I would recommend that to anyone who has experienced trauma in their life. But what about the days when you are not receiving therapy? What about afterwards, when therapy has been completed? We still have to work on our issues, daily. Through discovering that I had deep seeded issues with low self-esteem, on my own as well as with my therapist, I needed to develop coping tools and ways to continue progressing and healing myself. Luckily for me, I was matched to a therapist who I felt comfortable with. I was able and very willing to work along with her, the ideas that she suggested, as well as study the written information that she felt was appropriate to educate me with. But at the end of the day, I knew inside exactly and precisely what work needed to take place. I knew the tools that felt right to me. I had to discover more on my own, parent myself, teach myself. And I had to make a ritual of it. Just as it has been a long painful process to work through my depression, it has been to work through these issues. None of it is easy. Nothing in life worthwhile is. But I knew if I were to continue to become who I was meant to be, along with being happy, I had to do the work. The worst part of it all was working through the trauma symptoms along with the self-esteem issues and keeping the balance after depression together, synchronized. It seemed too much to bear. I knew I didn’t have a choice. Either I could give up, isolate myself once more, regress back into a depression, or decide to live. I’m certain I’ve made the right choice wouldn’t you say? Thank you.

One of the most crucial aspects of my healing, came with apologizing to myself, and forgiving myself in