Building a Godly Home, Vol. 3: A Holy Vision for Raising Children

By William Gouge

For years, William Gouge’s Domestical Duties has stood as the foremost Puritan treatment of Christian family life. Yet due to its size and antiquated expression, it has become almost unknown among current generations of believers. To help revive the usefulness of this classic book, Scott Brown and Joel R. Beeke divided Gouge’s work into three manageable volumes, updated the language to modern standards, and have given it the title Building a Godly Home.

In the third volume, A Holy Vision for Raising Children , Gouge offers wise and practical advice to both children and parents on how to relate to each other with love and honor. Drawing from a wealth of biblical principles and examples, he fleshes out how a household of affectionate authority provides for children and prepares them to live as God’s servants in the world. Fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters will find much here to challenge and guide them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Reformation Heritage Books
• Release date: Oct 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9781601782519

Book preview

Building a Godly Home

VOLUME THREE:

A Holy Vision for Raising Children

William Gouge

edited and modernized

by Scott Brown and Joel R. Beeke

REFORMATION HERITAGE BOOKS

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Building a Godly Home, Volume 3

© 2014 Reformation Heritage Books

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. Direct your requests to the publisher at the following address:

Reformation Heritage Books

2965 Leonard St. NE

Grand Rapids, MI 49525

616-977-0889 / Fax [phone]

e-mail: [e-mail]

website: www.heritagebooks.org

Printed in the United States of America

14 15 16 17 18 19/10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

ISBN: 978-1-60178-251-9 (epub)

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gouge, William, 1578-1653.

[Of domesticall duties]

Building a Godly home / William Gouge ; edited and modernized by Scott Brown and Joel R. Beeke.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-60178-226-7 (hardcover, v. 1 : alk. paper) 1. Christian ethics—Early works to 1800. 2. Families—Religious life—Early works to 1800. I. Brown, Scott. II. Beeke, Joel R., 1952- III. Title.

BJ1241.G6 2013

248.4’859—dc23

2013000372

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For additional Reformed literature, request a free book list from Reformation Heritage Books at the above address.

Contents

Preface

1. Children Showing Respect for Parents

2. Children Getting Parents’ Permission

3. Children’s Obeying Parents’ Instruction and Correction

4. Children Giving Back to Parents

5. Children Honoring Father and Mother in the Lord

6. Parents Loving, Praying, and Providing for Children

7. Parents Nurturing, Teaching, and Training Children

8. Parents Admonishing and Correcting Children

9. Parents Directing Children into Adulthood

10. Parents Being Faithful to All under Their Care

Preface

There are many books on parenting to choose from today. What makes this one a good choice? Two things: first, it is focused on Scripture, and second, it sets forth an important perspective on the matter—the thinking of the Puritans. It helps us when we can step outside our culture and listen to godly Christians of another time, especially Christians who have soaked their minds in the Bible. When you read this book, a particular word will most likely come to mind: countercultural. Gouge presents a world of parenting that hardly exists today. It is out of step with modern thinking and methodology, yet it is remarkably biblical.

Is it well with the rising generation? Are they characterized by honor and obedience? Are families sending well-ordered children into the churches? Those who study the matter are telling us that large numbers of the younger generation are abandoning the faith of their fathers. It is not well with them. They do not honor father and mother nor revere the God of their fathers. Rather, they are like the generation that Agur described:

There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother. There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness. There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes! and their eyelids are lifted up. There is a generation, whose teeth are as swords, and their jaw teeth as knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, and the needy from among men. (Prov. 30:11–14)

As parents, have we slipped? Have we failed to secure our children’s honor and obedience? Have we failed to cleave to the biblical language and commands? If we have, the results will be obvious—it will not be well with them. You can see it in their eyes, their relationships, and their values.

Gouge can help us make our way back to biblical thinking about and practices of child rearing. The kind of parenting that is pictured here is far more hands-on, particular, and demanding than the common practices of most contemporary Christians. It requires more of both parent and child. Gouge instructs us by being specific and practical. He names the different ways parents and children show that they love one another or not. He explains how to deal with dozens of nuances of family life. He instructs parents on the details of how to respond to pride, inappropriate speech, talking back, stubbornness, rudeness, bad manners, self-importance, lack of self-control, disobedience, and rebellion.

He argues for an honoring and exercise of parental authority that have been forgotten. Gouge is clear, saying that children should be obedient in almost everything. He tells children, You ought to do many things against your own will if it is contrary to your parents (p. 44). He says of children, They must labor to bring their judgment and will to match their parents’ (p. 44).

The parents’ level of involvement in the details of a child’s life that Gouge advocates may sound extreme to modern ears. He states, Children ought to have the consent of their parents in making choice of their vocation, and not place themselves as they please (p. 17). He says that parents must give their consent for marriage, clothing, making commitments, and so forth.

Through this volume, you will step into a different world of honor and obedience—a kind of honor that is publicly deferential, even including bowing before parents. This specific kind of behavior is, of course, from a bygone era. The children of eighteenth-century theologian Jonathan Edwards, who would rise in honor whenever their parents entered the room, still displayed it. Gouge argues that acts of honor toward parents are reflections of the heart. Though we do not live in the seventeenth or eighteenth century and do not aim to copy the particular customs of that day in our own time, we too are faced with the responsibility of being publicly and privately faithful to the divine command, Honor thy father and thy mother.

Gouge calls parents to countercultural attitudes and responsibilities. He addresses matters of love, teaching, nurture, admonition, correction, direction, praying, and providing for children. He deals with these matters the way any good Puritan would—by opening Scripture with numerous applications and examples to prove the doctrine. As you read, you will notice how this book is characterized by these four distinct features:

1. Expositional style. This volume is an exposition of Ephesians 6:1–4, one of its premier strengths. Gouge sticks to Scripture. There is nothing more valuable in any discussion than to appeal to the words of Holy Scripture. This bears witness to the heart of the author; he desires to communicate timeless truth by seeking to be faithful to Scripture. He unfolds the various words of this passage and connects them to the wider testimony of Scripture.

2. Interpretive methodology. You will notice the author’s mastery of Scripture as he draws from stories as well as didactic portions of Scripture to provide examples for his points. Gouge does not believe that biblical directives for parents and children are limited to texts that deal directly with the subject. He gleans principles from nearly every book of the Bible. He supports his exegetically derived points by illustrating them from a variety of biblical texts, biblical authors, and geographical locations.

3. Beautiful imagery. Also, Gouge masterfully uses graphic and memorable imagery to make his points. For example, he speaks of the impact of a parent’s love: Therefore as the heat of the sun shining much and long on a stone wall draws a reflection of heat from that wall, so the hot beams of parents’ love, which with fervency and constancy are cast on children, ought to provoke and stir up children to send forth a reflection of love to their parents (p. 4).

4. Focus on the heart. Gouge takes us beyond outward conformity. One of the strengths of this volume is that Gouge is very much aware of matters of the heart. Thus, he is not arguing for outward obedience in lieu of inward honor. He says, The fountain is an inward disposition of the heart consisting of love and fear (p. 2).

This principle of keeping the heart central helps us to know how to apply what Gouge says to our day and age. We do not live in a culture where children bow to their parents or rise in their presence. Parents do not bind their children in legal contracts to serve as apprentices to tradesmen in exchange for vocational training. It would be inappropriate and unwise to impose all the customs of seventeenth-century England upon the twenty-first-century cultures of our modern nations.

However, God’s commands remain unchanged from age to age. Gouge’s counsel presses us to ask, How should Christians express this heart today? How should children show honor to their parents in speech, facial expression, and gesture? How should parents give leadership to their children in selecting their clothing, choosing a vocation, and finding a spouse? We desperately need to ask such questions, especially in cultures distorted by radical individualism, rebellion against authority, transfer of parental responsibility to the civil government, and little sense of living with dignity and giving honor to others.

Many of the popular parenting books on the shelves of Christian bookstores today are harmful because they are not grounded in the texts of Scripture that speak to the issue. They lack the language and mind-set of Scripture. The worst of them merely restate common folk wisdom and secular psychology. This book’s pervasively biblical orientation will help you make your way to more biblical thinking regarding child rearing. It will help you acquire the biblical language that is so necessary for forming or reforming your child rearing practices.

Reading Gouge on child rearing can be surprising at times. Yet we hope you will be surprised in the same way as the queen of Sheba when she saw the excellence of Solomon’s kingdom. It took her breath away! The honor and wisdom displayed in all the details of his court administration sent her away praising God for the beauty of His ways. She said, Happy are thy men, happy are these thy servants, which stand continually before thee, and that hear thy wisdom. Blessed be the LORD thy God, which delighted in thee, to set thee on the throne of Israel: because the LORD loved Israel for ever, therefore made he thee king, to do judgment and justice (1 Kings 10:8–9). We pray that this will be your response as you read about how parenting can be under the direction of the King who is far wiser than Solomon.

Many thanks to Jonathan Sides and Paul Smalley for their helpful editorial assistance in completing this set of three volumes. Also, thanks to Linda den Hollander and Kim DeMeester for their careful typesetting and to Gary den Hollander for his excellent proofreading. As editors, we thank our dear wives, Mary Beeke and Deborah Brown, for being wonderful helpmeets to us; our hearts swell with praise to God for them.

—Joel R. Beeke and Scott Brown

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Children Showing Respect for Parents

Ephesians 6:1–3 says, Children obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother (which is the first commandment with promise); that it may be well with thee: and thou mayest live long on the earth.

After husband and wife, the second relationship in a family is that between parents and children. In laying down their duties, the apostle begins with children. His direction and encouragement to them is laid down in the three first verses of the sixth chapter, in which he declares their duty and adds reasons to motivate the same. In laying down their duty he notes three points:

1. In what it consists (obey, honor).

2. To whom it is to be performed (your parents).

3. After what manner it is to be done (in the Lord).

The reasons used by the apostle are four:

1. The position of parents (in the Lord).

2. The fairness of the thing (this is right).

3. The commandment of God (honor thy father, etc.).

4. The reward promised (that it may go well, etc.).

Under this word, obey, which the apostle uses, and that word, honor, which the law uses, are all those duties included, which anywhere throughout the whole Scripture are commanded to children.

We will therefore set them down in some order, and handle them distinctly one after another. The fountain of children’s duties will be explored. The streams that flow from it will be observed. The fountain is an inward disposition of the heart consisting of love and fear. The streams flowing from it extend to parents, both while they are living, and also when they are dead. Children’s duties which are to be performed to their parents while they live concern their authority and needs.

The authority of parents requires of children respect and obedience. Their needs require paying them back. The duties which children owe to their deceased parents concern their body and credit. Their body must be buried with decency. Their credit must be maintained with honor.

Children’s Love to Their Parents

I make the fountain of children’s duties to consist of a mixture of motivations, regarding that authority and affection which is mixed together in parents. The authority of parents requires fear in children, and their affection, love. So complete and so warm is parents’ affection towards their children, as it would make children too bold and insolent if there were not authority mixed in to work fear, and so supreme and absolute is their authority over them, as it would make children like slaves to dread their parents, if a fatherly affection were not mingled there to produce love. But both these joined together make a very good combination. Love, like sugar, sweetens fear, and fear, like salt, seasons love, and thus to join them both together, makes a loving-fear or a fearing-love which is the basis of children’s duties.

Where Christ forbids an excessive love in children to their parents (Matt. 10:37), He implies that it is appropriate for children to love their parents (so long as their love be rightly limited). He implies that it is an affection planted in children even by nature to love their parents. Joseph is commended to children as a worthy pattern in loving his father, and that from his youth till the decease of his father. To testify of this, in his younger years he brought to his father the evil report of his brothers (Gen. 37:2), by which he provoked their envy and hatred, which he would never have done, if he had not loved his father. Having been long absent from his father, when by God’s providence there was offered an opportunity for him to meet with his brothers, one of his first questions to them was about their father (Gen. 43:7), and hearing that he was living, he did not think it good enough to send him the needed food, but also needed to see his face and have him dwell with him (Gen. 45:9), and while his father was on the way he went out to meet him, and at first sight embraced him and wept a good while, a sign of great affection (Gen. 46:29).

That love which parents naturally have for their children ought in fairness to produce in children a love to their parents. For love deserves love, and most unworthy are they to be loved, who cannot love in return. The love of parents above all others is to be answered with love on children’s part to the uttermost of their power, because it is free, great, and constant.

Besides, children need to have love for their parents, lest for lack of it, their submission (which of all others ought to be most free) should turn into slavery.

Children should work at this because by nature they are not so prone to love their parents as their parents are to love them. Love is weighty, and, as weighty things do, it descends. Children therefore, conscientious of their duty, must labor to supply what is missing, and help nature by grace. I do not deny that there is naturally in children a greater love to their parents than to others, yet in comparison of the warmth of parents’ love to them, their love to their parents is merely cold. Therefore as the heat of the sun shining much and long on a stone wall draws a reflection of heat from that wall, so the hot beams of parents’ love, which with fervency and constancy are cast on children, ought to provoke and stir up children to send forth a reflection of love to their parents.

Two extremes are contrary to this affection of love. One is lack of natural affection, which is a very offensive and abominable vice in anyone, but most of all in children. The apostle counts this among the most evil vices that are (Rom. 1:30; 2 Tim. 3:3). The other is hatred and despising of parents, an extremely shocking and unnatural vice. From this comes mocking and cursing of parents, of which we shall hear later.

A Child’s Fear of His Parent

To the duty of love, fear must be added, which is a child’s awe and respect of his parent.

This awe and