The Secret In Her Heart

By Cassie Merko

Ambitious Michael Boyer secures social and material status by marrying Helen Banaduk, daughter of an affluent farmer. Their courtship results in Helen’s pregnancy. Michael is subjected to crude teasing which he perceives as disrespect from the community. Convinced of his own intellectual superiority, he blames Helen and the baby (Kaydee) for this loss of respect. As the novelty of his material acquisition wears off and his discontent grows, he subjects both Helen and Kaydee to unrelenting verbal and emotional abuse. He exploits Helen’s submissive nature and harnesses her to a life of hard labour, resulting in two miscarriages. This costs him further scorn from his neighbours, until his ego can take the ridicule no more. His irrational fury triggers a tragic accident and, as he recuperates in a distant hospital, he plots revenge on a family that he feels caused his distress and then betrayed him. This poignant story relates perspectives from three generations about abuse at the hands of this cruel man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 28, 2014
• ISBN: 9781304988454

Book preview

The Secret In Her Heart

The Secret in Her Heart

A Novel by Cassie Merko

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my niece, Marilyn Christian, without whose help this book would never have reached the public. It is her patience, her perseverance and her knowledge that brought my dream to fruition and this book to publication.

Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

ISBN: 978-1-304-98845-4

Copyright © 2012 Cassie Merko

All Rights Reserved.  No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form without prior permission in writing from the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief excerpts.

Cover illustration by Gloria Swoboda

Chapter 1

Shy and self-conscious about being at the center of so much attention, young Alvin squirmed to get away but his father held on tightly to his hand. Alvin’s scorched face was crucial to Michael’s show and tell project and Michael was not about to relinquish his captive audience. The parishioners of St. Benedict’s Church always stayed for some local chit chat after the service and today, Michael could show everyone what a clever boy his son was. He spoke loudly as he informed Reverend Paul Padaman about his son’s latest adventure.

Imagine, at four-and-a-half, he figured out how to take a three-oh-three shell apart. He’s always been a curious kid, Reverend Paul, but to use an awl to pry the lead out of the shell? What was he thinking? And then he strikes the gunpowder with the hammer! I tell you Reverend, this boy of mine is going to be an important scientist someday.

That was indeed very curious, Michael. It was lucky for you his eyes were not hurt by the blast, just his hair and skin, Reverend Paul observed.

Oh, he probably had his eyes closed... to protect them, you know, Michael explained proudly.

Still, you have to admit it was a miracle he only ended up with just burns to his face. Reverend Paul shook his head in amazement. Michael’s fixation on his son’s curiosity, rather than on the hazards of following up on it, was incredible. Reverend Paul didn’t mention that though.

Oh, I understand, Reverend Paul, but my boy is destined for big things. This is the nineteen seventies. The big universities are begging for smart kids. He’ll be a shoo-in!

Kaydee walked off toward the car with Jaynee. Mother was right behind with baby Dayna in her arms. They were not a vital part of Father’s audience. They never were. They always were somewhere on the distant and obscure periphery of Father’s presence. No one ever really noticed or paid attention to them.

So that was what had happened to Alvin, Kaydee thought in astonishment. There had been no gun. It was not a shot that she had heard but a blast of gunpowder being hit with a hammer! What had possessed Alvin to do something so unbelievable? Alvin was smart as a whip, perhaps too smart for his four-and-a-half years. As Father had said, he was always a curious kid, but this seemed too far-fetched even for Alvin. Still, he had the singed hair and eyebrows and scorched face to prove it. Also, the evidence had been all there: the anvil, the hammer, and the empty shell. Kaydee had seen it herself. Maybe Father was right. Maybe Alvin was destined to be a scientist. Where else could such an inquisitive kid be heading?

Kaydee’s mind retraced the events of the day before. It had all started normally enough.

The weeds are bigger than the lilies over there. Get on your hands and knees and clean that out. Why do I have to remind you all the time? Can’t you see that for yourself? Father had snapped at her as he headed out to the shed. And keep an eye on Alvin!

Ever since her little brother was born, Alvin’s welfare and safety had been Kaydee’s responsibility. She was always expected to do double-duty and watch over curious Alvin no matter what else she was doing. She knew that and she accepted it; even liked it for that matter. Alvin had been an adorable baby. He was still adorable as far as Kaydee was concerned. But he was a handful to keep up with.

It was a beautiful and warm June day and the sun was doing its best to uphold the Sunny Manitoba reputation. As she busily extracted the weeds from their hiding places among the lilies, Kaydee kept a watchful eye on Alvin who was designing a rock city out of the pebbles he had collected. Then Ruby, their dappled grey mother cat, had arrived home from a mouse hunt and Kaydee’s concentration was diverted. She never could resist watching the happy reunion of the furry family.

Oh Ruby, Kaydee breathed excitedly as Ruby greeted her brood of five calico babies with licks and kisses and loud blissful purring. See how your family missed you?

Distracted, Kaydee turned her attention to Ruby as the mother cat positioned herself on the grass to allow her famished babies to sate their hunger. Alvin, being a typical little boy, had lost interest in his pebble city project. He took off in search of more engaging pursuits, leaving Kaydee still in her trance beside the feeding brood. Mesmerized by the purring of the squirming kittens eagerly feeding at their mother’s belly, Kaydee’s tranquility had been shattered by a very loud CRACK that sounded much like a gunshot to Kaydee. This was followed immediately by Alvin’s piercing scream which cut through the air like lightning in a fierce storm.

For one fleeting moment, Kaydee had been paralyzed into immobility. Then her sanity kicked in and she tore off towards the source of that terrified scream. Panic suffocated the beating of Kaydee’s twelve-year-old heart and a sickening sensation coiled like a snake in her gut, threatening to devour her from the inside.

As she rounded the corner of the shed, her lungs straining for air, she rammed into her father who was holding the frightened Alvin in his arms, soothing him and inspecting his wounds. With unmasked fury, he glared at Kaydee from behind Alvin’s neck.

Where the hell were you and why weren’t you watching him?! he roared.

Alvin was sobbing in Father’s arms. Alarmed by his father’s angry bellow, Alvin’s sobbing ceased as he turned to look at Kaydee. With utter shock, Kaydee stared at Alvin’s face, blood-red and smeared black with dirt and soot, his eyebrows scorched and the thick reddish-brown hair at his forehead singed to a brownish gray. Kaydee was too traumatized to process Father’s words. Her eyes darted from Alvin’s face and she stared past Father to take in the strange menagerie on the ground behind him. She was scanning the scene for a gun but she saw no gun.

I asked you a question, you dimwit! Where the hell were you when this happened?!

Too stunned to think or reason, Kaydee’s mind vacillated between relief at seeing Alvin all right and horror at his appearance. Her throat constricted, as she stared, transfixed, in openmouthed incredulity.

Kaydee’s continued silence infuriated Father. How dare she ignore him!

I asked you a question! Didn’t you hear me?! What the hell is the matter with you?! Answer me! He reached for Kaydee’s hair with his free left hand but Kaydee instinctively backed out of his reach. Alvin whimpered and Father pulled his hand back to enfold him.

This kid could have killed himself! Where were you and what the hell were you doing that he was alone?! Answer me! Father shouted furiously.

Kaydee cringed in the face of Father’s obvious fury. Used to his venomous outbursts, she knew that trying to defend herself would be futile. But this time she had no defence! She had been negligent. There was no other way to explain it.

I – auh – I was just – I just went to watch Ruby for a minute, Kaydee’s voice squeaked with trepidation.

The cat!!! You have GOT to be kidding! You went to watch the cat?! Father ground out in disbelief, his eyes blazing, his face contorted.

Yes, Father, Kaydee answered slowly, not daring to look away.

You telling me you were watching a cat while this kid was off, heaven knows where, by himself?! He almost blew his head off, for God sake! You were supposed to be watching him! What the hell is the matter with you?! Father was incredulous as well as infuriated. The ferocity on his face registered both.

Kaydee opened her mouth but no words came out. Father sputtered.

I cannot believe such stupidity, even from you! You’re supposed to be watching your brother, not that gawd-damned cat! Don’t you understand?! What the hell is the matter with you?!

I’m sorry, Father, Kaydee offered but she knew it was far too little too late.

Father’s voice had ground to a fierce growl by now. When the hell are you going to grow up? So help me I’m going to... His voice trailed off as Alvin wailed louder in the face of Father’s ominous tone. Kaydee stood in stunned silence as Father turned his attention back to comfort Alvin.

It’s okay, Alvin, everything is going to be fine now. Daddy’s got you. It’s all right, son. Alvin quieted down as Father dusted off his clothes and held him closer.

Alvin was the only one allowed to use the word Daddy. Kaydee was expected to use the word Father. She had learned that quite clearly the time almost three years ago when she had trespassed on that forbidden territory. It was after she had heard Alvin say it. Father had been so pleased about it. She thought she might please him too.

What did you say? What was that you just called me? Listen, you stupid snivelling brat. I am ʽFather’ to you. Do you understand? ʽFATHER.’ That is what you are to call me. Understand? I am not ʽDaddy’ or ʽDad’ or any other sappy name you might feel like calling me. I am ʽFather’ to you! Understand? Kaydee had been stunned into silence.

DID YOU HEAR ME? Father’s voice thundered.

Yes, Kaydee replied, chastised; her head bowed.

Yes, what?! His bellow was murderous.

Yes, Father.

Father grabbed her by the hair and yanked her head back to face him. Look at me when you talk to me.

Yes, Father, Kaydee repeated, cowering under his angry glare.

With a revolted grunt, Father let her go with a shove that sent her flying across the room.

See that you remember that, he spat as he stomped out the door. Kaydee had had no problem remembering that lesson.

Now Kaydee watched Father consoling Alvin, being so careful not to hurt him. For that, at least, she felt grateful.

Get the hell outta here! I’ll deal with you later. Right now, I can’t stand the sight of you! Father hissed through clenched teeth but Kaydee’s feet refused to obey her.

Get outta here! Now! Before I...! he roared, cradling the upset Alvin again against his chest. JUST... GET... THE... HELL... OUTTA... MY... SIGHT! he hissed ominously.

Petrified, Kaydee turned and bolted out of his way, running for the house. She heard Mother in the laundry room. Trembling, she sat down by the kitchen table to wait for her.

Father’s temper tantrums were not uncommon. They occurred often. They were unexpected, often over something small and insignificant: a spilled glass of milk; tripping over a toy on the floor; interrupting when he was speaking; or even just talking at the table! Almost anything could set him off. Father’s tantrums were a common occurrence, but Kaydee still found them frightening.

This time, however, Kaydee felt she had earned Father’s wrath. Alvin could have been seriously hurt. The sight of Alvin’s singed lashes, eyebrows, hair, his whole face all attested to a near catastrophe. Father had every right to be furious with her and she had no valid defence, not even to herself.

Kaydee thought she had taken her eyes off Alvin for just a moment. But in the time that Kaydee had crouched, in fascination, beside Ruby and her litter, Alvin had wandered off and got into some kind of trouble with bullets, and gunpowder, and some kind of fire that left his face seared and his hair singed.

As Kaydee sat there in that kitchen, waiting for her mother, her mind was in a whirl. How did Alvin manage to get so hurt in such a short time? She was sure it could not have been long. Yet he had wandered away and she had failed to notice when. Perplexed, Kaydee tried to envision that interval in what she was certain could have been no more than just a few short minutes. She tried to put the puzzle together as she reviewed the scene in her mind. She had seen no gun! She remembered an anvil on some gravel. Nearby, she remembered seeing a hammer, a shell of a large two or three inch bullet with a long heavy needle thing beside it, a mangled piece of something gray next to it, but she had seen NO gun! There had been no gun anywhere in sight! Kaydee was certain of that. Nothing made any sense! So where had that shot come from and why did Alvin’s face look like it just escaped a raging inferno?

Father had not followed her into the house. She was relieved. At least he didn’t shove her into the sinhole this time. Not yet anyway. Kaydee wasn’t sure if it was still coming or not but for the first time in her life, she felt she deserved to be sent there. This time she had earned it! If anything had happened to Alvin because of her carelessness, that black sinhole could never even begin to assuage her sense of guilt. She would willingly kneel there for days on end if that would help Alvin.

Yet how she dreaded that dark corner under that stairwell behind the big green chair! How often had she knelt there, cowering and trembling, while her father bellowed his poisonous hatred from behind!

You get in that corner and get down on your knees, right now. And don’t you come out until you change that damned attitude of yours. You’ll learn respect if it kills you and I won’t care if it does, so you had better learn it soon! I don’t want to see your face or hear a peep out of you until you do. Do you hear me?

A long, long time ago, Kaydee had learned that trying to apologize or explain was pointless. It only brought on another barrage of curses and admonitions, as did sitting back on her hunches.

Straighten up there. I said KNEEL, not sit! and Kaydee would straighten up, her back and knees screaming for mercy but she learned to take it in silence. Her mother never dared to interfere when Father was angry.

Too often Kaydee had knelt there cringing for what seemed like hours until her father had left the house and Kaydee dared to come out. He never told her to come out; he simply walked out and let her get up in his absence. Then she would get up gingerly, her wooden knees buckling under her. She would see her mother’s ashen face, her eyes hollow and her countenance so fear-stricken, it made her own pain seem insignificant. And so Kaydee’s life had been as far back as she could remember.

Kaydee knew Father’s rage was murderous. She remembered vividly that terrible spring morning more than three years ago when Father’s temper had cost them the life of their gentle German Shepherd dog. She could still see their beloved Auggie convulsing spasmodically under Father’s beating. Auggie had become restless watching the young chicks in the little temporary coop that was always kept near the house for new fledglings. Agitated by their eager chirping, Auggie had taken to running around the small pen and barking excitedly. Father had just finished his last sip of coffee when he heard the commotion outside. With an irritated Damn dog! he shoved his chair back from the breakfast table and swiped at his mouth with the napkin before heading for the door. Mother sat stone-faced, staring after him with that helpless, hopeless look that was her trademark when Father was angry. Kaydee felt alarm bells peel through her body as she raced outside in time to see Father grab Auggie by the scruff of his neck. Holding the dog with his left hand, he picked up the broken handle of a shovel with his right and struck Auggie hard across the back. Auggie fell limply to the ground. Shut up, shut up, you damn dog! he yelled. Can’t a man have peace around this place?! I’ll teach you to make a racket! He kept on yelling and beating the dog long after Auggie had drawn his last breath. Kaydee had witnessed the whole thing before she ducked back into the house, aggrieved and terrified. She could still picture the scene clearly in her mind to this day.

Was that going to be her fate today? Outside of yanking her by the hair or by the arm and shoving her around, Father had never physically struck her before but he could be brutal when angry. His rampages were explosive and unpredictable. Kaydee had no idea what he would do this time. Resigned to accept whatever was waiting for her, Kaydee waited despairingly for what was to befall her next.

Mother finished folding the clothes and returned to the kitchen. She had the washer and dryer going and she hadn’t heard the blast and was unaware of any trouble. Trembling with apprehension and nerves, Kaydee sat at the table, her head bowed, wondering if she should tell Mother what had happened.

Where is Alvin? her mother asked.

He is with Father, Kaydee answered simply, without adding any further explanation.

Go check on Jaynee and Dayna. Change Jaynee’s tee-shirt. She got it soiled and I didn’t get a chance to change it. I can still put it in the wash with my next load.

Kaydee went to the other room, saw five-month-old Dayna sleeping peacefully in her crib and then pulled a clean shirt from the bureau for Jaynee. She took it to the front yard where Jaynee was busily putting plastic blocks into a big red cardboard box.

At two-and-a-half years, Jaynee was a quiet, peaceful child. She entertained herself, never seemed to need much care or attention, and seldom got into any trouble. Her serenity was her most endearing quality. Father paid no attention to her. Jaynee was simply there. She seldom got in his way and was almost never whiney. Alvin was his SON, his pride and joy. Jaynee and Dayna were of no consequence, but Kaydee always seemed to irritate her father, simply just by being!

Hi Jaynee, Kaydee sat cross-legged on the cool thick grass beside her little sister. What are you doing?

Blue block in red box. It dirty, Jaynee held out a blue block for Kaydee to inspect.

Their conversation was interrupted by the clang of the metal gate of the mesh fence separating the lawn and house from the farmyard. Still carrying Alvin in his arms, Father strode purposefully towards the house. Ruby and her kittens were still enjoying some play time together. Spotting them, Father detoured off the walkway, heaved a kick with his big boot against the unsuspecting group, and sent them flying into the air yowling in shock and pain. Satisfied he had dealt them some justified punishment, Father returned to the walkway, not even looking at the two girls sitting on the grass on the other side. Kaydee breathed a sigh of relief for her own personal reprieve as he passed them and entered the house.

Get this boy cleaned up, pronto, he yelled at his startled wife. Look at him! He could have killed himself. That stupid moron of yours went to watch the cat instead of watching him. The cat! I tell you. Empty head and absolutely no sense of responsibility at all. She’s dumber than a doornail! No matter what you tell her, it just doesn’t sink in through that thick skull of hers! That retard belongs in a looney bin!

The few minutes of silence that followed meant that Mother must have taken Alvin into the bathroom to clean him up. When Father’s tirade resumed, Kaydee supposed that Mother must have re-entered the room to give him an audience again.

Kaydee heard the rumble of Father’s derogatory rant as he told Mother what had happened to Alvin.

Do you believe that stupid half-wit of yours? Instead of looking after her brother, she’s watching the damned cat! I don’t ask much of her. I know enough not to expect it from that dimwit but even that seems to be too much. She’ll never amount to a pile of shit! Just a bloomin’ idiot is what she is, that’s all. I said all along she was a half-wit. Not an ounce of brain in that bonehead. Nothing ever sinks in through that thick skull! His ranting and raving continued, repeating the same theme he was always so stuck on.

From force of habit, Kaydee tuned out the words. She did not wish to hear them. She knew that theme by heart. He would be reminding Mother about how much he was sacrificing to keep this family together. He had served as luftenant in the army in Korea so he was smart, but now he was stuck here among a bunch of dimwits. Kaydee had heard the story a thousand times.

I should have run like hell when I saw you coming, is what I should have done. I could have made something of my life, been somebody. But NO, I had to get mixed up with a bunch of half-wits. That pregnancy trap got me good. I should have used my brains then and run for the hills. Now I’m stuck with the lot of you. You stuck me good!

As Father ranted, Kaydee could picture her mother’s sullen face, taking the rant without protest or rebuke. She always just let him rave on, until he had spent his anger, left the room and left her in peace. It was as if she had developed immunity to the abuse and his insults no longer registered.

Of course, Kaydee was the result of the pregnancy trap, thus accounting for Mother’s lack of intelligence with what Michael adamantly claimed was Helen’s mistake. Alvin, on the other hand, was Father’s trophy offspring, his clever son and Father never missed an opportunity to tell everyone about how brilliant his boy was. He bragged about him to anyone who would listen, emphasizing and exaggerating all his feats, big or small. Most of the time, that bragging was done right there on the church steps. They never socialized with people otherwise.

Kaydee didn’t begrudge Alvin their father’s love. She loved this smart little brother of hers and she would never willingly let any harm come to him. He was always so full of questions.

No matter where they were or what they were doing, Alvin always noticed something that peaked his interest.

Look, Kaydee, see these yellow flowers, Alvin pointed to the marsh marigolds as they ambled along the path by the creek. They are pointing up toward the sun, as if they are trying to reach for it and bring it right into their middle. Yet, look at this blue one, closely inspecting a sprig of blue bells nearby. See, they all hang down, looking like they are trying to hide. How come, Kaydee? Are they just shy or are they afraid?

Why do we only see these yellow flowers in these wet spots? How come they only grow in the spring when it’s wet? How come they don’t grow in summer when it’s nice and dry here? Are they always thirsty or do you think they like to have the frogs sing to them? Do the flowers only grow when the frogs sing to them? Why do the frogs always croak so loud in the spring? How come we didn’t hear the frogs in winter? Kaydee? Where were they in winter?

Kaydee had never thought of some of the things that Alvin noticed so readily. Next time Granny came to visit, she posed Alvin’s questions to her and, as often was the case, Alvin’s curiosity was a source of education for them both.

Kaydee never questioned the why or the how come of things as Alvin did. Those questions never even entered her mind. To Alvin, however, everything mattered.

How come chickens have feathers and horses have short hair, and sheep have wool, and pigs have only bristles and yet none of them freeze in the winter cold? How come, Kaydee?

I don’t know, Alvin. We’ll have to ask Granny when she comes down next time, Kaydee would stall him.

But why? was an incessant question on his lips. Every situation was a source of unending questions to Alvin and Kaydee was at a loss to answer many of them herself. Granny was her encyclopaedia. Father was unapproachable, and Mother was too preoccupied to listen.

Alvin was a wonderful little boy, and Kaydee loved him dearly. But even though Father always claimed that Alvin was smart like his daddy, Kaydee felt sure that Alvin had not received his smarts from Father because Father’s actions did not indicate any great source of intelligence. Father lived by yelling and terrorizing everybody. He never actually demonstrated his smarts; he just declared their existence, usually loudly and often repeatedly.

And Alvin sure could not have acquired his smarts from Mother either. Mother seemed to think very little and had few answers. As far back as Kaydee could remember, Mother had been this way, talking very little, performing tasks that had to be done but never appearing as if she enjoyed them, or for that matter, if she hated them. She never smiled, never laughed or cried, she never got excited or angry. It was as if her spirit had vanished, leaving behind a listless shell; a large square-shouldered body, with hair and complexion a ghostly gray; and emotions a forgotten memory. Mother’s actions demonstrated limited intelligence as well. When Father was angry and yelling, Mother countered with dead silence and just shrank into oblivion.

Kaydee sat there playing with a blade of grass and thinking. It was difficult to imagine Mother as Granny’s daughter. Granny was lively, self-confident and full of purpose. Mother displayed none of those attributes. Kaydee did not want to be her mother’s daughter but she wanted to be her father’s daughter even less.

Kaydee, Jaynee’s voice brought Kaydee back out of her reverie, may I have my blue block?

Kaydee had been holding the block in her hand as she brooded over her dilemma. Snapping to attention, she handed the block to Jaynee. Fearing that Father would be coming out from the house soon, Kaydee started collecting Jaynee’s toys into the box. She wanted to be out of sight when Father came outside.

Let’s go get us some fresh strawberries from the garden. I bet there are some really sweet and juicy ones.

Yeah, tweet and juioosey, Jaynee repeated excitedly as she scrambled to her feet. Taking Jaynee’s hand, Kaydee led her to the strawberry patch in the garden. A few minutes later, Kaydee saw her father depart with Alvin still on his shoulder. He didn’t appear angry anymore. With a sigh of surprise and relief, Kaydee took Jaynee’s shirt into the house for Mother to wash.

Michael left the house, carrying his son on his shoulder. His anger spent, he now saw the incident from a different perspective.

What a clever boy Alvin is! Michael marvelled. Who would have thought of removing gunpowder from a bullet? Surely this was a sign of superior curiosity and enhanced intelligence! And at just four-and-a-half! This boy was going to go places in this world! Michael was sure of it. He felt immensely pleased by this insight and his heart swelled with pride and self-validation. In the wake of this epiphany, Kaydee’s role in the accident was banished to obscurity.

Father took Alvin to the shop where they puttered around till mother called them in for supper.

Supper was a silent affair for a change, much to Kaydee’s relief. As soon as she cleared the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, she made herself scarce by hiding out in her room with Jaynee. Father had taken Alvin and they sat on the recliner. Kaydee did not see either of them till the next morning when they were getting ready for church but Father resolutely ignored Kaydee throughout the whole morning. Although thankful for her peace, Kaydee nonetheless felt uneasy. She felt as if she was on the verge of some sort of explosion but she did not know where or when it would occur.

The ride to church was ominously silent and Kaydee felt tense and nervous. She would have preferred Father’s wrath, his usual ranting and raving, even the sinhole! But his silence was unnerving. She wondered what was going on in his head. She needed to know where and when the axe was going to fall. Father never forgot to punish her. Why had he not done so this time? What was he thinking? What was he planning? It was as if he had forgotten she was there. Father never forgot she was there. She was always in his line of vision. Being ignored should be a blessing, so why did it set her alarm bells ringing? Kaydee just could not relax!

Chapter 2

They had almost reached the metallic green Dodge sedan when a tall and stately woman dressed in a casual gray suit appeared on the other side of the car. A pink ruffled collar of a blouse set off Katreena Banaduk’s smooth features as an eager broad smile spread across her face.

Granny! Kaydee squealed with delight as she ran around the back of the car and hurled herself into her grandmother’s arms. You’re back! I didn’t see you in church. Where were you sitting? I’m so happy to see you. Please say you’ll stay for a while, Granny. I’ve missed you so much.

Granny wrapped her arms around Kaydee, kissed her lovingly on her forehead and squeezed her tight. Jaynee, following closely at her sister’s heels, was doing a little jig, clamouring to get in on the hugs. She was echoing Kaydee’s beseeching pleas with her own Yes, Gwanny, pweez. With one arm still around Kaydee, Katreena swooped Jaynee up with the other.

Well, I must confess I wasn’t in church, sweetheart. I came straight from Lanavale. I got here too late for church because I had to stop for breakfast. I’m afraid my cupboard is very bare at this point as I only came back last night so I haven’t had time to shop for groceries, Katreena replied, as she looked over the car at her daughter Helen, who stood waiting at the other side of the car near the passenger door. Then, because Jaynee and Kaydee were still awaiting her answer, Katreena focused back on them.

I’ve missed you too! And yes, I’m coming to visit but just for a short while. Not for long. I have a million things to catch up with at home.

Jaynee looked awed. She peered at Granny’s face. A million? Is that a lot?

Granny and Kaydee laughed aloud. Even mother’s face registered something that under a good stretch might just barely qualify as a smile. Jaynee appeared even more perplexed.

It’s okay, Jaynee, I will come back again very soon, I promise.

Granny gave Jaynee an impulsive squeeze. Let me look at you. My gracious, you’re growing faster than my sweet peas. You’re going to be as big as Granny in no time. Jaynee giggled with pleasure and entwined her little arms tightly around Granny’s neck. Kaydee kept her left arm around Granny’s waist as the trio walked around the car and approached Mother who, holding baby Dayna in her arms, was still waiting quietly by the passenger door.

Helen’s face seemed to register something akin to regret as she watched her mother and her daughters exchanging enthusiastic embraces. Alone and isolated, she appeared trapped by her own barrier of desolation. She waited patiently as her mother approached.

Hello, Helen, how are you? Katreena gave her daughter a quick hug and a peck on the cheek then took baby Dayna from her acquiescent arms.

Hello Mother, Helen said by way of greeting. How was your European holiday? Welcome home. When did you get back?

Last night, around seven o’clock, as a matter of fact. I haven’t even unpacked yet, but I was so tired I just crawled into bed and zonked right out. We didn’t get much sleep that last night in Athens because we had to be up at five to get to the airport on time. Then we waited in Frankfurt airport for five hours and another plane, then a refueling stop in the Azores and another airport change in Montreal. The trip was exhausting. We got into Winnipeg late in the afternoon. The drive home finished me off. I was happy to get to my own bed and sleep. Today, I had to see my wonderful family, so the unpacking is just going to have to wait. It feels so great to be home and see you all again. She smiled and tweaked Jaynee’s nose playfully.

Looking around, she asked, Where is that little brother of yours?

He wanted to come with us, Kaydee said rather hesitantly, but Father wanted him to stay. Alvin had himself a little adventure and Father was explaining it to Reverend Paul.

Katreena looked at her daughter but Helen merely shrugged her shoulders, You’ll hear about it soon enough, fashion.

Katreena groaned. She knew what that meant. Michael would be giving her the Michael Alvin Boyer, the Magnificent version and she was not at all in the mood to hear it via that railroad! She had always just barely tolerated the arrogant, overbearing fellow that Helen had insisted on marrying because she became pregnant with his child after they had been seeing each other for just a few months. That tolerance had changed to disdain when, after the marriage, she saw how he demeaned her daughter.

Don’t bother explaining anything to her, Katreena, Michael had cut her off when Katreena was telling them about a project she was involved in. She hasn’t the foggiest idea what you are talking about and she couldn’t care less. See what I mean? He tossed his head with a smirk as Helen walked out of the room, obviously hurt by his remark.

Katreena’s anger had flared like a gasoline torch near a spark.

She walked out because of what you said, not because she didn’t understand, Katreena yelled over her shoulder as she ran after Helen. But Helen had already busied herself with folding some laundry into neat piles and would not listen to anything Katreena had to say.

Leave it alone, Mom. Just let it be. No, go back to the kitchen, Mom. I’ll finish this myself. Helen shooed her mother away.

Back in the kitchen, Michael mumbled. You’re just babying her. Why don’t you face facts lady? She’s just not very bright. Katreena went livid as she bristled with an angry retort but Michael walked out the door and left her standing there with her mouth open. Katreena was fuming. The gall of the man! She had tried time and time again to talk to her daughter about standing up to Michael, but Helen wouldn’t listen, remaining loyal and obedient to him above and beyond all reason.

He doesn’t mean it, Mom. You just don’t understand him.

I’m not advocating leaving him or walking out on the marriage, Helen, Katreena tried to elucidate. Just stand up for yourself when he starts to criticize you or berate you. Tell him to stop! MAKE him stop, for heaven’s sake! Tell him that’s enough of that and you won’t take it. I’m sure if you stood up for yourself, he would stop being such an insensitive bully.

He knows more about the world than I do. He’s been around. He likes to feel superior.

At your expense? Honey you’re not stupid, but he’s making it sound like you are. For heaven’s sake, Helen. Why do you let him do that to you?

You don’t understand, Mom. Daddy never got angry with you so you don’t have any idea what it’s like. Michael was brought up differently. His father was the ruler in his house and Michael’s mother always obeyed him. That is how Michael sees his own house. He does not like to have his authority challenged. It makes him feel threatened and that makes him angry and that is when he yells.

But that does not give him the right to be mean, Helen. Listen to me. Your father was a gentle man and I understand why you are frightened when Michael rants and raves but nobody has a right to be mean!

I think some of that comes from his army days, Helen explained. You know they train you to be loud, and rough and authoritative. He was a Lieutenant in Korea you know. He’s used to being obeyed, not questioned.

He should have left the war in Korea, not brought it here to Zelena, Katreena retorted angrily. Then quietly to herself, she added, better still, HE should have stayed in Korea. She did not dare say that to Helen. Helen would not talk back to Michael, but she might have no problem standing up to her mother. What irony!

What he did during the war in Korea does not have to carry on for the rest of his life! He shouldn’t be continuing his war on you!

It’s okay, Mom. He cannot help it and I understand that. If I don’t cross him, he’s okay. Just don’t make trouble, Mom. Please try to understand. For my sake, Mom. Please?

And so Katreena had been coerced into dropping the subject yet again.

Kaydee was fourteen months old when Helen’s second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Leaving the baby with a neighbour, Helen had gone to help Michael hauling bales. She picked the bales from the field onto the rack while Michael drove the tractor. When she went into premature labour and lost the baby, Michael attributed the miscarriage to Helen’s lack of stamina. Katreena tried to talk sense to them but Michael was adamant that this was just an unfortunate incident.

It just happened for heaven’s sake. What’s the big deal? Don’t make a major issue out of it. So she dropped a kid. So there’ll be another one. What’s the problem? She’s not tough enough. Maybe she’ll finish the job next time.

Katreena was furious. She could not believe anyone could be so callous.

She shouldn’t be pitching bales when she’s pregnant for heaven’s sake. That’s no job for a pregnant woman!

Why don’t you just mind your own damned business for a change, lady? She’d just toughen up and be okay if you didn’t mollycoddle her so much. Just butt out of our lives!

Helen was almost inconsolable about the miscarriage but again she begged her mother not to make trouble.

It probably had nothing to do with the pitching bales in the first place, Helen rationalized. Sometimes God cleans up things that are not quite perfect. Maybe it was meant to be this way. Let it go, Mom. I’ll be all right.

Katreena let the matter drop because she did not want to add to her daughter’s distress.

Busy with her teaching career, she spent too little time on the farm to notice the damage until it was already done. By then, Helen’s spirit had been broken and her will to fight back no longer existed. Michael’s personal arrogant nature, his autocratic upbringing, his innate lack of compassion and whatever poison Korea had tainted him with, had all combined to do a totally corrosive number on Helen’s self-esteem.

This shirt has a button missing. How come you don’t check these things before you put them in the closet? Doesn’t that brain of yours ever click in? How do you expect me to go out to town with my shirt gaping like this? Grow up for heaven’s sake, already. With an angry snort, he ripped the shirt off his back and threw it at Helen.

Katreena offered to sew on the button, but Michael roared, Why don’t you mind your own business and let her do her own damned work? When is she going to learn to do anything if you’re constantly running interference for her? Let her develop a brain of her own, damn it. Is that too much to ask? She’s a wife and mother now. Face it. She’s not your little girl anymore.

Katreena temper was like a volcanic eruption. She could not hold it back. It was all she could do not to fly at him and scratch his eyes out.

Now, that’s enough, Michael. We’re not... Katreena was yelling too, and Helen’s eyes went wild with fear. In the other room, Kaydee, then just seventeen months old, alarmed by the loud voices, set up a howl.

And shut that brat up, before I lose my temper. Michael swept past Katreena. There better be a decent shirt in that closet or you’re gonna regret eating your breakfast, Michael snapped and headed for the bedroom for another shirt. The baby’s crib was in his path and Helen sprang to get it out of his way. Katreena, too shocked for words, stood staring aghast as Michael marched past the crib and barked at Kaydee, Shut the hell up, ya stupid brat!

He grabbed another shirt from the hanger. Throwing it over his back, he was still shoving his left arm into the sleeve as his right hand turned the door handle. Slamming the door hard, he stomped out of the house.

Katreena looked at Helen’s petrified face and almost lost it herself.

That does it! You and Kaydee are coming home with me! I am not leaving you here with that madman another minute! He’s a raving lunatic! We’ll pack some things now and come back for the rest later.

No, Mom, no, Helen was pleading, her tears like rapids on her cheeks. No Mother, he is angry now, but he’s not like that all the time. You must never talk back to him. I told you it makes him angry. We’ll be all right Mother. Please don’t make trouble. He’s just angry because you talked back to him. Please, Mother, you must understand. This was just a simple fight. I can’t walk out on my marriage because he yelled. I promised for better or worse. We’ll get past it. Please, for the sake of God, Mom, let it go! Please. We’ll be okay. Just let it be.

Finally, to appease Helen’s pleading, Katreena had relented and had left Helen to deal with the situation herself. However she deeply regretted her acquiescence later, after having witnessed more of Michael’s ranting and violent tirades, especially when she realized just how completely he had crushed that tender, loving soul that had been her daughter. She hated Michael for desolating Helen’s once vibrant personality and even more so for making her, Helen’s own mother, his inadvertent accomplice. It was more than she could bear to listen to him at all now, though Michael never even seemed to notice. His insensitivity and arrogance galled Katreena beyond limits but if she tried to voice her negative opinions, Michael just took it out on Helen and made her life more miserable. In the end, to alleviate Helen’s suffering, Katreena just bit her tongue and kept her feelings to herself because Helen always reassured her that things were not as bad as they seemed.

Michael was ruthless in his denigration of Helen, however. Convinced as he was of his own intellectual superiority, Michael voiced it so often and so strongly that Helen began to believe him. Of course, she never dared contradict him. So the more Michael ordered, the more Helen obeyed, the more he yelled, the more she cowered, and the more he criticized, the more she shrank into the shadows. Now, Helen was unrecognizable to the girl she used to be and the man who made her so just strutted around oblivious and indifferent.

Helen’s third pregnancy ended in a miscarriage again when she shovelled grain to level it out in the bin. After that second miscarriage, Helen seemed to lose her will to go on and just went into perpetual mourning. Seeing her diffidence and despondency now, she was still in a state of mourning, though she had carried three healthy children to term since then.

Driving home after leaving Helen in the hospital after that second miscarriage, Katreena again broached the subject of sparing Helen the hard work during pregnancy.

You just can’t make her work like that when she’s pregnant, Katreena had scolded. In the car, Michael was a trapped audience and Katreena had to make him listen. He was not going to walk out on her in the middle of a sentence this time. No woman should be shovelling grain or pitching bales when she’s pregnant.

There’s nothing wrong with honest work for anyone with a normal healthy body, Michael countered. You want to farm, you gotta work!

Then work it yourself. You are the farmer. Where the hell is your healthy body? What kind of man are you anyway?

Michael was incensed. Why don’t you just mind your own business and stop butting into mine!? It wasn’t enough that he had to put up with Helen and Kaydee’s insipidness but his mother-in-law was questioning his authority! He would not put up with that!

Helen and Kaydee are my business, damn it! Katreena yelled back. Helen lost two babies on account of you. She should be taking it easy when she’s pregnant. She’s not a horse for heaven’s sake.

Wives are supposed to help their husbands. Even the Bible says that. Farming is a partnership. Women help their men in the field. She’d be just fine if you’d quit pampering her. Michael’s jaw clenched on his words.

But Katreena was mad too. Of course women help their men. But the women drive the tractor! They don’t pitch the bales! Do you see Joe Drapanik sending Ellen to pitch the hay or shovel grain? Or Fred Archer sending Josie? And those women are not pregnant! Where is your pride, man?

That daughter of yours wouldn’t know how to operate the loader or the tractor. I’d have to show her which rows to hit first. I HAVE to man the tractor.

That’s bullshit and you know it, Michael Boyer. There is nothing wrong with Helen’s mind. You’re just too damned lazy to pitch the bales yourself. That’s your problem. You want to ask Joe, or Tom, or Fred, what they think of Helen pitching bales or shovelling grain while you sit like a king driving the tractor? I wonder what they’ll say when they find out that Helen lost her babies that way. And they will find out, Michael Boyer. Make no mistake about that! Katreena was so angry she was shaking. She just could not, would not, back down on this issue.

Screw you, Michael yelled but his face flushed almost purple.

Katreena knew she had hit a nerve, and she knew she was going to win. She could sense her victory in the tone of Michael’s voice and the flush on his face. Michael was arrogant and conceited. He liked to rate himself with the Ladducks, the Drapaniks, and the Archers even though he and Helen never associated with any of the neighbours on any personal level since the marriage. Helen’s untimely pregnancy was embarrassing for both Michael and Helen, but for vastly different reasons. Brought up with a religious background, Helen had confessed her sin of premarital sex not just to the priest, but to Katreena. She was sure she had incurred God’s wrath by allowing it to happen and now He was punishing her for her disobedience against her parents’ teachings and for her premarital sex. No amount of reassurance on Katreena’s part could erase her guilt but she swore her repentance and vowed to take her penance for her sin without complaint.

I can’t change the past but I can make up for it, she had declared. I will be a good wife and mother.

And she did try. But she failed to take into account Michael’s character. The pregnancy was a declaration of his misdemeanour too. Michael was embarrassed about it but having the neighbours tease him about it at the wedding irritated him more than he let on. The teasing was good-natured but his wounded pride could not accept the jibes and he lashed out at Helen, blaming her for the neighbours’ lack of respect for him. Helen remained loyal to him and tried to appease him but it simply annoyed him more. He viewed her pleas as a sign of weakness and intellectual inferiority. Eventually his constant denigration and his volatile temper weakened her self-confidence and undermined her vitality. The two miscarriages in succession just destroyed what little stamina she had left.

Katreena knew that Michael was still vying for the respect of those affluent, well-established farmers in the area. He had feigned indifference to the lack of a relationship with any neighbours but Katreena knew he was still trying to bolster his ego by impressing them. Today, Katreena thought, Michael’s vanity and conceit were finally going to work to her advantage. She would use Michael’s own pride to win this one. Her daughter’s health might be depending on it.

Screw you, too, Katreena retorted in disgust, but just you wait. The neighbours will hear about this. I dare you to check it out for yourself.

Whether it was to appease his mother-in-law or to protect his image with his neighbours, Katreena didn’t know, but Michael had grudgingly spared Helen the heavy labour during her next pregnancy and it paid off in a successful birth. Of course, when Alvin was born, Michael’s validation was complete and his inflated ego knew no bounds. He strutted around like a peacock fanning his feathers and crowing about his wonderful son at every opportunity. The embarrassment of Helen’s untimely first pregnancy and that unwanted baby girl faded into the background as Michael felt his manhood vindicated by the birth of a son.

Katreena reeled herself back to the present. She gritted her teeth as she visualized Michael bragging all through dinner. It was going to be a gruelling afternoon if she had to listen to Michael for a whole hour. Kaydee was prodding her. Tell us about your holiday, Granny. She loved to hear Granny relate her experiences of the trips she took, the places she saw, and the wonderful things she did. To Kaydee, it was the magic fairytale of real life.

Oh, honey, it was a wonderful holiday. Spring is such a lovely time of the year in Europe. Everything is so lush and the blossoms are so fragrant and colourful. There are huge trees that are just full of great big flowers. They call them horse chestnuts. Isn’t that a funny name for a flower?

Kaydee giggled. Horse chestnuts? Really and truly, Granny?

Really and truly, honey. They are beautiful. There are gorgeous azaleas that grow three feet tall and bloom in the ditches, like weeds. And roses, as big as your head. And fuchsias grow like miniature trees, also in the ditches. All of Europe is in bloom at this time. I really loved it. Someday, maybe you’ll be able to come with me on one of my trips and see Europe for yourself.

Oh, Granny, can I, really? Kaydee burst out breathlessly, her eyes like saucers. Can I truly come with you on one of your trips? Oh Granny, I would SO love to go someday.

Me too, me too, Jaynee piped up. She always wanted to do the exciting things that her big sister did. Me too, me too, was her constant refrain. She was an easygoing child but she openly adored her big sister and was always trying to emulate her. They laughed at Jaynee’s enthusiasm. Jaynee was not always sure what she wanted, but if Kaydee wanted it, it had to be good, and if it was good, Jaynee knew she wanted it too.

Both Kaydee and Granny thought Jaynee was so cute and comical. Often, they would be talking about something while Jaynee played nearby. It would seem like she wasn’t paying any attention, but if something was said about Kaydee doing something or going somewhere, Jaynee’s head would jerk up with that enthusiastic Me too! Me too! It always cut all other conversation short.

Well hello, Katreena. And how is the world traveller? Michael came bounding up towards them, Alvin trotting by his side, being towed along by his father’s powerful grip on his little hand. Evidently, Michael had lost his audience