Look After Me: Look After You, #2

By Elena Matthews

The moment Sebastian Gilbert watches his soul mate declare her undying love to another man, his entire life changes. 

Unable to cope with the loss of his fiancée, his job, his life, he turns to the only thing that helps ease the pain. 

Cocaine. 

Seven months later… 

Sebastian checks out of rehab, but after three months locked away from the outside world, he struggles to adapt to his new life. 

When he reaches out to his drug counselor from rehab, Addison Scott, he begins to find hope. 

Addison is sweet, smart, and understands him in a way that no one else does. 

As she helps Sebastian rebuild his life, their friendship grows but lines become blurred and lust quickly turns into love. 

Sebastian's broken heart is slowly mending, but will letting Addison in shatter it once more?

 

Warning: Recommended for ages 18+ due to subject matters of drug abuse, violence, explicit language and sexual situations.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elena Matthews
• Release date: Mar 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781502273154

Book preview

I’m clutching Ava’s hand as if my life depends on it. My entire body is shaking as I look at the love of my life, my fiancée, the mother of my child in sheer desperation. I love her so damn much. I don’t care that she cheated on me. I don’t care that she didn’t tell me her secret. I can forgive her, I can...

Where do we go from here, Ava?

I have to follow my heart, Ava says painfully.

And what does your heart say?

My adrenaline goes up a notch as I wait for her terrifying answer. I can see her eyes begin to fill with tears and my heart thuds against my chest as I witness the look of pain etched along her beautiful yet battered face. God, the things he did to her…

I can’t even contemplate it. Fuck.

Please say it’s me...

Please...

I need you...

I love you.

My eyes widen hopelessly as she opens her mouth to speak.

That Ashton’s the one I want to be with.

My chin begins to tremble on its own accord, and my insides snap and shatter at her words. An indescribable pain ricochets across my chest and I find it impossible to find my next breath. The tears I didn’t realize I held, begin to fall.

The motherfucking floodgates open and I cry hysterically in the arms of the woman who doesn’t love me anymore.

In that one moment, everything changes, and I turn to the only thing I know will numb the pain of my loss.

Cocaine.

Seven Months Later

---

Alcohol and drug rehab.

Not where you’d expect an ex-soldier—who’s been to war in Afghanistan—to find himself.

You expect soldiers to endure rehabilitation therapy for blown up limbs or psychiatric help for post-traumatic stress disorder. Well, not me. I fell into my old habits fairly quickly after having my heart torn into two by the woman I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. Things became dark after that, and I stupidly turned to the one thing that almost killed me when I was eighteen years old.

I’d thought I was past that part of my life.

I remember a conversation I had with Ava just after my daughter, Lily-Mai was born, a couple of weeks before I came home from Afghanistan on two weeks leave. I told her after my deployment ended I was retiring. That I wanted to be a part of my family’s life.

She was worried I would turn back to drugs once I left the Army. But she was wrong. I hadn’t turned to drugs to fill the void of the emptiness of leaving the Army. No, she was the reason for my relapse. She was the reason cocaine quickly became my soul mate again. Because she’d made it fucking clear that I was no longer hers.

At first it was a couple of lines to get me through the pain, but eventually, a couple of lines turned into more. I’d started sleeping the days away. Until I almost didn’t wake up.

Now, I’m currently sitting in a circle with my fellow drug and alcohol addicts waiting for the next group session to begin. I’m surrounded by addicts who have lost their homes, their families, and their livelihoods. Some turned to their choice of poison out of desperation, some depression, and some who just liked the high.

Then there’s me…

A broken-hearted fool.

How fucking pitiful.

I shouldn’t fucking be here. I should be living with the woman of my dreams and my beautiful daughter. We should be planning our wedding; planning the rest of our lives together. But those plans were taken away from me when Ava chose somebody else; when Ava cheated on me with another guy. But not just any guy—my daughter’s frigging doctor. I want to hate him, but how can I hate the guy who saved my beautiful daughter when she was born thirteen weeks premature? He’s the reason she’s alive.

I want to hate Ava, but I still fucking love her. I love her so much. Just the thought of her has me clenching my hand against my chest and wanting to curl over in excruciating pain. Seven months have passed, yet the pain still feels as if my heart was broken only yesterday. It leaves me in a state of self-loathing. None of this was my fault, yet I blame myself anyway. You’d think the pain would have dissolved with the suppressed urge to snort coke, but it seems therapy and time haven’t healed my wounds. Instead, it’s made me a bitter man with a hatred for life; a hatred of epic proportions.

The only person who gives me an ounce of happiness is Lily-Mai, and she’s the reason I’m fighting for my recovery. I’m not going to have another guy raise my little girl. I’m her dad, not him. He will never be her father. Some say blood is thicker than water, and they’re right. Nobody can take my daughter away from me. Not even some hotshot doctor.

Through my angered haze, I don’t realize our team leader, Addison, has entered the room and is about to start our morning discussion. When I sit forward, with my elbows leaning on my thighs, I’m a little surprised to find her pretty gaze and a sweet smile aimed at me. I try and muster the best smile I can, but considering I haven’t smiled in such a long time, I can only stare back at her. Her smile falters, and after a few seconds she looks away.

Hi, guys. How is everybody doing this morning?

They respond with grunts and a couple of ‘fines’, but I remain silent. I’m not a man of many words these days. When my mother was alive she used to say, If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, so I keep my goddamn mouth shut. I have nothing nice to say. In fact, I have nothing to say period, so I keep to myself and avoid conversation unless I’m forced to interact with someone in order to get me the hell out of this place.

Not exactly the welcome I was looking for, but it’s still early, so I’ll let you guys off, she says with a grin. Okay, let’s get started. I want to go around the circle and I want each of you to tell me in one word how you’re feeling this morning. Paula, I’m going to start with you.

Paula glances around the circle nervously, pulling at the sleeves of her sweater with her fists. Erm… She takes another agitated glance around the circle.

Addison places her hand gently on her shoulder. It’s fine. Nobody is here to judge.

After a jittery breath, Paula answers, I don’t know… I guess thirsty.

I can bet my bottom dollar it isn’t for water. Although, who am I to judge? I’m in here for coke addiction. Not exactly one of my proudest moments.

Sitting next to Paula is a guy who is probably in his mid-twenties. He’s a skinhead with tattoos covering every inch of his arms. He’s shaky and pale, and looks as if he is moments away from hurling. Desperate, he trembles.

The discussion continues around the circle. I roll my eyes when one guy says he’s ‘horny,’ which gets a good laugh from the majority of the circle and a few blushes from some of the women. Eventually, my turn arrives and Addison returns her eyes to me. I’m silent. I have no idea what to say. I’m feeling so many emotions that it’s hard to pinpoint just one. I’m angry, pissed off, broken, lonely, hurt, fucked up... Should I keep going?

Sebastian, how are you feeling today? Addison’s voice cuts through my inner turmoil and I look at her.

Empty, I grumble, finally picking my chosen word of the day. I slump back in my seat and gaze out of the window at the open garden, fading the rest of the group discussion from my mind. When the hour is up, I go to stand and head towards my room but I’m stopped in my tracks when Addison steps in front of me.

Sebastian, have you got a minute? I simply nod and stand back, letting the other residents pass by. When the room is empty, Addison takes a seat in one of the nearby chairs and pats the seat beside her. I sit next to her and turn to face her.

I didn’t want to speak to you in front of the others, but is everything okay? You seem a little distracted today.

Do you mean am I craving the coke that put me here in the first place? I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but it just comes out automatically. It’s like a filter switch I have no control over. Luckily, she doesn’t take offense at my harsh question.

No, that wasn’t what I was talking about. I can see how far you’ve come. Physically you’re doing great. You just seem very distant, and I’m just a little worried. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?

I think about opening up my wounds to her, but as tempting as that sounds, I’m not ready. I’m not gonna lie and say I’m doing good because I’m not... but I’m not ready to talk about it. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about it. It hurts too much.

She gives a nod of understanding. I get that. I do. Do you know why I became a rehab counselor? In my younger years, I experimented a lot with recreational drugs. You name it, I took it. I was stupid. Sixteen years old and I was throwing my life away. I only realized how stupid it was when a friend of mine took a bad ecstasy pill and died. That day scared me enough to force myself into rehab. I was determined not to end up like my friend. It was hard at first but do you know what pulled me through, and helped me be the person I am today? Talking. Opening up to someone about my pain. You can’t keep your emotions bottled up. It will destroy you and I’d hate to see you relapse, but if you keep yourself bottled up, it’s a route you might find yourself on.

She pauses for a moment before continuing. This is why I’m here—why I became a counselor. I’ve been there. I’ve been in your shoes.

I’m pretty sure she hasn’t been in my shoes.

Hasn’t stood three feet away from the love of her life… watching her soul mate kissing the living hell out of someone else… declaring their love for him…

Nope.

She most definitely hasn’t been in my shoes.

I’ve seen so many people succeed by simply opening up and talking.

I try and push away at the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t have anyone to talk to.

You always have someone. You’re talking to someone right now, she says with a sweet smile. She’s right, of course. This is probably the most I’ve spoken in the past twenty-four hours, and I didn’t even realize it.

You’re being discharged this week, right? she questions.

Saturday.

She looks down at her notepad, and pulls off the pen that is attached to the binder. Opening the pad, she quickly jots something down, then rips off a small scrap of paper and hands it to me. I look down, surprised to see a cell phone number.

I know this is frowned upon, but that’s my cell phone number. If you ever need to talk, about anything, night or day, just call me. I’ll see you later for our one on one. She stands and walks away.

When I know the coast is clear, I scrunch the paper in my fist and set up a three-point shot, tossing it into the nearest trash can.

I’m not going to need it, so what’s the point in keeping it?

I’m sitting in my room, staring out into thin air, when I’m startled by a knock at my door. Looking down at my watch, I realize it’s visitation and it must be Caleb with my daughter. Caleb is Ava’s best friend—who is also one of my closest friends and since I can’t bear to look Ava in the eye, I have Caleb bring Lily instead.

Enthusiastically, I stand and rush towards the door, my day improving in a matter of seconds at the thought of seeing my baby girl. However, I’m sourly disappointed when I see one of the counselors instead.

Hello, Sebastian. Your usual visitor, Caleb Summers, has been held up and isn’t able to bring your daughter for your visitation. However, your ex-wife has come in his place.

My ex-wife?

Yes, Ava, Ava Jacobson. She’s here with your daughter.

My heart thuds against my chest at the mere mention of her name, and I almost double over in pain at the aspect of being in the same room as her.

Holy fuck… I can’t breathe.

If you don’t want her here, I can send her away. It’s your decision.

That almost pains me more than the thought of having her in the same room. As much as I would like to tell Ava to go to hell, she has my daughter and I haven’t seen her in what feels like forever. I want to see my Lily-Mai. Pushing past the agonizing pain of having to see Ava again, I say, No, that’s okay. I want to see my daughter.

Are you sure?

Seeing the beautiful smile my daughter will give me in a few moments is worth the pain. Plus, I’ll have to see Ava again at Lily’s birthday party this weekend, so this can be a test.

Yes.

Okay, I’ll send her in.

Once I’m alone, my heart slams against my chest, beginning to feel the signs of what possibly could be classified as a heart attack. I stalk the small space of the room until the sound of gentle knocking alerts me to Ava’s presence. On a heavy exhale, I force my feet forward and head to the door. The moment I open the door, I see Ava’s beautiful smile and it almost brings me to my knees. It’s a smile that haunts my dreams nightly.

Hi. The moment that single word escapes her pretty lips, I’m swiftly reminded that I’m still madly in love with her. Seven months, and I still feel exactly the same.

Fuck.

Where’s Caleb? I ask aggressively, my entire body trembling with the humiliation of what she did to me.

She physically blanches at my harsh greeting, bringing Lily closer to her chest, almost like a safety barrier. He couldn’t make it… a work emergency came up.

Anger courses through my veins at how beautiful she is, and I fucking hate it. I hate her. Why does she have to be so damn perfect?

To calm my quaking body, I trace my eyes over my beautiful girl, her smile spreading as she opens her arms to me and says, Ada. I tear up at the sound. I might not be in her life full time, but it pulls at my heartstrings that she knows who I am. Ava might not love me anymore, but this little girl certainly does.

Hey, baby. I take Lily from Ava’s arms and hold her in mine. I attentively kiss her beautiful head, inhaling the wonderful baby smell that seems to radiate from her as I hold her against my chest.

I’ve missed you so much, I whisper into her feathery soft hair, my anger melting away, soothing me. Leaving Ava at the door, I head over to my bed and sit down. I stand Lily up on my lap, holding her steadily by her underarms. I brush my lips across her little button nose, then lift her adorable little hand and press a gentle kiss against her fingers. I turn to mush when I’m holding my daughter, my princess.

I ignore Ava as she approaches.

I ignore her as she takes a seat in the leather armchair beside the bed.

I ignore her as she asks how I am.

Sebastian…

I keep my gaze concentrated on Lily, watching as she glances around her surroundings. Her eyes are huge as she locks onto something new and unfamiliar.

Sebastian, you can’t ignore me forever. You’ll have to talk to me eventually.

She’s right. One day I’ll have to talk to her, but today is not one of those days. In fact, I could go an eternity ignoring her and it still wouldn’t be long enough. Why are you here, Ava? I hiss. I turn to stare at her, but not quite holding eye contact. Even though I’m so damn angry with her, a part of me hopes she says she’s here for me; that she misses me and wants me back. Yes, that would be the idiotic part.

Caleb couldn’t make it, so I brought Lily.

The severe sound of her words stab me painfully in the chest and I realize any dreams of hearing her say she loves me was diminished seven months ago, in that motel room…

Well, I’d like you to leave and come back for Lily in an hour, I snap, watching her complexion pale at my harsh tone. Of course, this is a Sebastian she has never had the pleasure of meeting before. The broken, coldhearted version.

I can’t leave you alone with her—

Anger bubbles up from the very soul of me. What do you mean you can’t leave her alone with me? Are you saying you don’t trust me? That I’d harm my own daughter because I fell off the goddamn bandwagon. I don’t realize how loud I am until the sound of crying fills my ears. My heart lurches out. Shit, I’m so riled up, I’m making my daughter cry.

I’m sorry, baby. Shh, it’s okay. Daddy’s sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I bring Lily closer to me, brushing my lips against her head, rocking her into a steady rhythm to help ease her frightened cries. I can see Ava standing up, her arms ready to take Lily from my hands, but I stare daggers at her.

"I’ve got her. She’s my daughter too," I say in a hushed voice, watching her motherly instincts struggle as I soothe my daughter’s cries. Ava’s bottom lip trembles as she watches in turmoil. After a painful deliberation, she finally sits down, but her eyes watch me like a hawk. It fucking kills me that she thinks I’m capable of hurting my daughter.

I would never hurt my daughter. She’s all I have… I mutter as I stand on my own two feet and bounce Lily in my arms, heading over into the direction of the window.

Once my daughter’s shrieking cries have been replaced by the sound of laughter, Ava speaks gently, I know you wouldn’t hurt her, I know that. It’s just… I’m not allowed to leave you alone with her. It’s rehab policy.

I allow her words to settle over me as I try to think of a response, but anything I come up with just involves screaming at her or groveling for her to take me back. So I stay silent. I spend the next fifty minutes with Lily in my arms, avoiding any eye contact with her mother. Every time I look into her eyes, it’s just a constant reminder she is no longer mine. It’s too painful.

During my quality time with Lily, I find myself counting the minutes until I’m free from this place. Until I can begin my new life—one that doesn’t include the love of my life or an illegal substance. To say I’m scared would be an understatement of the century, but I know I need to take my life back, and that includes getting joint custody of my little girl. There is no way in hell I’m allowing another dude to bring her up. Not a fucking chance.

I say my goodbyes to Lily, and watch Ava walk away with Lily in her arms. My heart is heavy, but before the pain destroys the entire essence of my very being, I force my feet into action. Retracing my steps back into the group therapy room, I fish the scrap of paper out of the trash can.

I have a feeling I might need Addison’s help once I’m out of here.

I breathe a sigh of relief the moment my feet touch the paved ground of the parking lot, finally free of the place that has held me captive for three months. Well, that’s what it felt like anyway. It wasn’t that dramatic, but I know for sure that I don’t want to go back in there. No way in hell. Today is the first day of the rest of my life... and that begins with my daughter’s first birthday party. I just wish it didn’t include Ava and the reason why we’re no longer together—Ashton.

I can barely tolerate Ava, but him… he’s the fucking reason my life turned to shit. I have a feeling today could turn ugly. I’ll try and keep my emotions together for the sake of my daughter, but my anger management isn’t exactly what you would call normal. I still tear up like a motherfucking baby when I think back to that day. In fact, I can remember it like it was only yesterday...

---

I look down at my watch and sigh with impatience as I realize only ten minutes have passed since I last checked. I’ve been on this flight back to the States for hours and we’re not even close to landing on U.S. soil. I’ve been waiting for this day to come for four months. I’ve missed Ava and my little girl so much. I can’t wait to get home and begin the rest of our lives together. I sound like an absolute sap, but I don’t care. I just want to see my girls. And after months of not getting laid, I’m definitely looking forward to burying myself in Ava…

Justin stomps his foot against my ankle. Dude, seriously, you gotta stop with the knee bouncing shit.

I grin as I look over at him. Sorry... I’m just... God, I can’t wait to see my girls.

He matches my shit-eating grin as he sucker-punches my knee. I know, but you need to chill or I might have to do something extreme like push you off this goddamn plane.

After an excruciatingly long flight we finally land. Even though I feel and smell like a wet dog, and I’m so exhausted I could probably sleep for a week, it doesn’t matter. In a couple of hours, I’ll get to see both my girl and my daughter for the first time in months. It’s quite possibly the best feeling in the world.

As I make my way through the Army base, my steps seem lighter. I will never have to fly to Afghanistan again. I will never have to set foot in that country for the rest of my life. I will never have to leave my family again.

It’s late when I finally leave the base, but I finally make it home. Ava hasn’t a clue that I’m here, and the wicked thoughts of waking her up with my head buried between her thighs has me hard in seconds. I can’t wait to get my hands on her, to fuck her into submission, to make love to her…

As I approach the front door, I chuckle. That probably won’t happen considering I’m seconds away from passing out from sheer exhaustion. The moment my head hits the pillow, I’ll be flat out. When I unlock the door, I’m pleasantly surprised to find the hall light is on and I smile, knowing Ava must still be up. As I place my backpack on the floor, I’m suddenly halted to a stop when Caleb and two other guys come charging at the door. The look of shock on Caleb’s face when he sees me puts me on edge immediately. Oh fuck.

Something’s wrong.

What’s going on, Caleb? I ask, preparing myself for the unknown.

He steps out slowly in front of the dude on his left, his eyes dark and panicked. We haven’t got time to explain, but Ava’s been kidnapped.

The moment I hear the word ‘kidnapped,’ I’m on red alert, and I’m suddenly wide awake. I fist my fingers around his arm in a tight grip as he tries to walk past me. What do you mean Ava’s been kidnapped? I ask with an angry growl, my heart beating overtime.

I mean she’s been kidnapped, he barks, and we’ve just found her location, which we need to get to. Now.

Confusion and anger fuel my body as I grip his arm aggressively, wanting to know what the hell is going on. Hold the fuck up! You can’t just tell me the moment I get home after four months on tour that my fiancée has been kidnapped and expect me to understand what you guys are talking about.

I send a death glare to the two guys in my hallway. One looks vaguely familiar yet I can’t pinpoint him. Who the fuck are these two chumps?

The guy beside Caleb takes a defensive step forward, his fists clenched at his sides, but the other guy stops him in his tracks, pushing him in the chest.

What the hell’s going on?

I watch as Caleb and the other guy have a moment, and Caleb shrugs his shoulders. You need to tell him.

My blood boils, and I can’t control my anger. Tell me what!

Her brother has kidnapped her, the guy who looks familiar snaps at me, and I feel the sudden urge to punch him square in the face.

Avery? I don’t understand. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I feel like I’ve walked into the wrong apartment in the wrong fucking century.

He looks at Caleb. I don’t feel comfortable about this. This should come from Ava.

Unable to take any more of this tiptoeing around me, I snap, my body trembling with a dark emotion I didn’t realize even existed until this very moment. Well, Ava isn’t here to tell me is she? So you better get talking. Now!

The guy takes another aggressive step forward, his face has the look of pure murder. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to, man?

A panicked Caleb steps between us. This is no time to get into a pissing contest, Ashton. Just fucking tell him what he needs to know, so we can go and get Ava!

Ashton…

Why is that name so fucking familiar? And why would it be a pissing contest?

Who is this guy, Caleb?

Caleb gives me a sheepish look which puts me on edge even more. Instead of answering me, Ashton responds, Look, Ava is in danger. We need to get to her before it’s too late.

More confusion ignites through my body. I don’t understand, how is she in danger? She’s with her brother for Christ’s sake. He’s family.

That motherfucker raped her!

My heart jolts to an excruciating stop as Ashton screams in my face, shoving at my chest with pure anger. Raped? Avery raped her? Is this some kind of sick joke?

I wish! Do you want to know how old she was when she was raped for the first time? She was fifteen years old. Fifteen!

Now this has to be a motherfucking joke. From the moment I walked through my front door, this entire experience has been a fucking joke.

When am I going to wake from this nightmare?

No! No, I don’t believe you. She would have told me. I’m her fiancé. I look at Caleb and the sad look he gives me, tells me everything I need to know. Is this true? I ask, praying that the haunted grimace on his face is because of the situation and not because of the things Ashton said.

It can’t be true…

It just can’t…

Yeah, it’s true, Caleb says regretfully.

I stumble backwards as his words slam into me, and it feels next to impossible to take my next breath.

Raped… by her brother.

My shock quickly turns into anger when I look up and realize Ashton knows a hell of a lot more than I do. I suddenly remember how I know him. He’s Dr. Bailey, my daughter’s doctor. Why the fuck is my daughter’s doctor in my house? Suspicion circles its way through my veins, and my blood begins to boil to the surface. I try to ignore a voice in my head that says, ‘Ava is cheating on you,’ and concentrate on this asshole in front of me.

I don’t understand why she never told me, and why this guy seems to know more shit than I do! Unable to control my anger, I slam my chest against his, getting in his face, breathing heavily. What the fuck’s your deal? Why are you in my house telling me shit about my girl?

My heart rate soars.

My breathing accelerates.

My fists clench.

His jaw locks and just when I think I can’t reach above the boiling point, he pushes me over the edge by raising his eyebrows, a clear indication he’s been fucking with my girl.

I punch him in the jaw.

He falls back from the blow, but when I move to unleash my fury on his face, his words stop me.

I will let you kick my ass later, but right now we need to get to Ava! So you can either stay and lick your wounds or come with us. It’s up to you, but I’m going. Come on, Darnell.

They rush out of my apartment, and I realize he’s right. There will be time to get angry later, but first things first. We need to save Ava. Without another thought, I follow Caleb into the back of Darnell’s car, and we’re rocketing up the highway at a speed that is way over the limit. I rock back and forth in my seat, staring daggers at the prick in the passenger seat. The image of Ava’s brother doing those things to her begin to cloud my thoughts. Back in high school, I hung out at that dick’s house, smoking joints, getting wasted, while all the time he was…

God, I can’t even say it. It’s too fucking twisted. If I could turn back time, I would rip that fucker’s head off.

My Ava…

My poor Ava…

I startle at the sound of Ashton shouting again, and I realize we’re parked outside of a shabby motel. Without a moment’s hesitation, both Ashton and Darnell are out of the car and charging towards the motel. It takes me a moment to find my feet, but as soon as I see the heavily armed police barreling forward, with more police surrounding the area, the severity of this situation suddenly clicks into place. My military training forces me into action, and I run on the asphalt to my girl, not caring if Caleb is following.

The next few seconds are a blur, but the moment I hear the sound of a gunshot, I’m pushing my way through the police officers, desperate to get to my beautiful girl. I step over the threshold of the motel room, and the image I see in front of me will be instilled in my mind forever.

Ava covered in blood.

The cops haul Avery off her body, and I sigh in relief, knowing she’s okay. But my heart comes to a painful standstill as I watch Ashton kneel down beside her, pulling her into a tight embrace, and she suddenly slams her lips onto his, kissing him desperately. And when I think things can’t get any worse, she says the three words that I never thought she’d say to another man.

I love you.

---

Sebastian?

My sister is standing in front of me with a confused look on her face. You okay? she asks.

I blink. Grace. I finally come to my senses and pull her into a hug, twirling her around in a circle and causing her to squeal. I smile for the first time in months as I finally place her back on her feet and pull away. God, I’ve missed you.

You too, big bro. You okay? You seemed a little out of it.

I’m fine. I’m not fine, I’m far fucking from it, but I say the words to appease my sister. I’m just ready to go home.

The moment I say the words out loud, I realize I don’t have a home. I’m, in fact, homeless. The majority of my stuff is currently at Caleb’s while all of my bulkier items are in storage. After I went AWOL, I got kicked out of my rented apartment—the apartment I was forced to move into because I couldn’t face going back to the home I once shared with the love of my life.

Grace smiles sadly, understanding the magnitude of what I just said, and links her arm through mine. Come on then, let’s go.

She leads me to a car I presume she’s rented for the next two weeks. She lives in Charlotte, with my dad, but she wanted to come and stay with me while I got back on my feet. Knowing I can rely on my sister for the next fourteen days gives me peace of mind. I’m not alone. I still have my family, people who love me, unlike Ava. Plus, she’s excited to see her niece on her birthday.

The drive to Seattle is quiet until we get caught in the Saturday traffic, and Grace finally turns to me. How are you really doing? And don’t you dare give me some crap excuse because if you do, I’m gonna know it’s bullshit. I know you, Sebastian Gilbert.

I pivot my body to face her, giving her a sad grimace, the one look I’ve become accustomed to wearing, especially since I’ve had seven months of practice. For the first time in a long time, I speak my feelings out loud to somebody other than a trained professional. "I’m not doing good. Physically, I’m fine.