A Bit of a Stretch: The Diaries of a Prisoner

By Chris Atkins

'Shocking, scathing, entertaining.' Guardian
'Incredibly compelling.' The Times
'Heart-breaking.' Sunday Times

Where can a tin of tuna buy you clean clothes? Where is it easier to get 'spice' than paracetamol? Where does self-harm barely raise an eyebrow?

Welcome to Her Majesty's Prison Service. Like most people, documentary-maker Chris Atkins didn't spend much time thinking about prisons. But after becoming embroiled in a dodgy scheme to fund his latest film, he was sent down for five years. His new home would be HMP Wandsworth, one of the largest and most dysfunctional prisons in Europe.

With a cast of characters ranging from wily drug dealers to senior officials bent on endless reform, this powerful memoir uncovers the horrifying reality behind the locked gates. Filled with dark humour and shocking stories, A Bit of a Stretch reveals why our creaking prison system is sorely costing us all - and why you should care.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Atlantic Books
• Release date: Feb 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9781838950163

Chris Atkins

Chris Atkins has won the UK Team Racing National Championships 3 times and the Wilson Trophy twice. He coached Team GBR to gold at the first ISAF World Team Racing Championships and has twice been chief umpire at the World Championships. He was Chairman of Selectors for the GBR Olympic sailing team for Beijing and London. He is an international judge and ISAF Umpire Instructor. He coaches and umpires team racing, running coaching sessions for the Optimist Class throughout the world. He was a Vice President of World Sailing / the International Sailing Federation (ISAF).

Reviews for A Bit of a Stretch

[breic-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This was certainly darkly funny, but it was not shocking. I found it an interesting account of a white-collar criminal's eight months in a fairly low-key, but incompetently managed British prison. As a documentarian by trade, he spends the time documenting problems in the prison system. He also becomes a "Listener," who listens to other prisoners' problems, all around the prison. This gives him a broader perspective than most single prisoners could have. Many of the author's complaints were for relatively small—though certainly frustrating—bureaucratic snafus. But other issues are certainly very serious, especially the mental health problems in prison. Interestingly, he has negotiates the setting well, and has few if any serious conflicts with other prisoners or prison officials. > 'I don't suppose you'd be interested in a workshop on dry lining?' he asks. 'YES!' I reply, a bit too forcefully. 'Do you know what dry lining is?' I yelp, 'Yes!' again, fearing that ignorance will bar me from the course. 'Excellent, I won't have to waste time explaining it. I'll put you on the list.' He shuffles away, and I instinctively reach to my pocket for my iPhone to google 'dry lining'. This is a habit I really need to get out of. I don't even have any pockets.> Whatever crime people had been convicted of, the real motive was usually greed. My outside friends were often surprised to learn that the most prevalent magazine in prison was GQ . It was far more popular than sporting or pornographic publications, as it played directly to the inmates' capitalist lust.> Foley owes much of this canteen to his new cellmate, who is in turn heavily indebted around the wing. News of their insolvency quickly spreads, and a complex network of prison debt begins to unravel. It reminds me of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, where the contagion from toxic loans swiftly infected the entire economy.> Film4 keeps showing The Shawshank Redemption . Gary and I watch it every time it's on, and play our favourite game of comparing the on-screen facilities to those in Wandsworth. 'They've got four washing machines in their laundry,' says Gary. 'Lucky fuckers.' 'I know Tim Robbins just got raped in the shower,' I note, 'but they do at least have decent water pressure.'> The longer I'm here, the faster reality slips past. Maybe my brain is slowing down, like a hibernating mouse, reducing all higher cognitive processes for survival. I've stopped missing most of my middle-class trappings. I no longer crave alcohol or nicotine, I actually like the taste of instant coffee, and I don't find the hard bed uncomfortable. I am now an integral part of the Wandsworth ecosystem> One of his few jobs is counting everyone at night, which he undertakes in a highly unconventional manner. He simply goes up to each door and asks, 'How many in here?' This trusting approach could easily enable a prisoner to escape, as long as their padmate stayed behind to vouch for their presence. His naïve questioning provokes frequent unhelpful answers, including 'none', 'three and a half' and 'four hundred and thirty-five'. These wisecracks usually bugger up the hunchback's count, and he has to start again from the beginning.> I'm often asked, 'Has anyone you sat with ever killed themselves?' to which the painful answer is 'I don't know. Probably.' A lot of my Listener contacts had strong suicidal tendencies, and they were in a place almost structurally designed to make them take their own lives, so I think it's more than likely.> The screw stomps back out, and the lockdown continues all day. We watch the evening news, but there's no mention of a Wandsworth breakout. Days later, I ask Officer O'Reilly where they found the missing prisoner. He checks that he won't be overheard, and whispers, 'In his own fucking cell.' … Every time I thought that OMU had reached the pinnacle of utter fuckwittery, it immediately exceeded itself.> the Listening work has definitely changed me for the better. I now try to listen and understand more, and condemn a little less. The world is also less judgemental of me than I feared; lots of people have been very kind and forgiving about my predicament.