The Age of Exploration: Totally Getting Lost (Epic Fails #4)

By Ben Thompson, Erik Slader and Tim Foley

Christopher Columbus is one of the most famous explorers of all time, but he was neither the first nor last adventurer to ever stumble upon a great discovery. From the Silk Road of Asia to the icy shores of Antarctica, our knowledge of the world today is in large part due to several intrepid pioneers, risking life and limb for the sake of exploration. After all, setting off into the dark unknown requires an enormous amount of bravery. But every explorer quickly learns that courage and curiosity aren’t enough to save you if you can’t read a map or trespass on somebody else’s land!

In this fourth installment of the Epic Fails series, authors Erik Slader and Ben Thompson introduces readers to an international cast of trailblazers and details every mutiny, wrong turn, and undiscovered city of gold behind the age of exploration.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Macmillan Publishers
• Release date: Apr 16, 2019
• ISBN: 9781250150523

Ben Thompson

Ben Thompson's comedy career began in the winter of 1986-7, reading a photocopied Ronnie Corbett monologue to an audience of angry students. He never performed again, but later took the opportunity to parade his ignorance of the basic principles of stagecraft in front of a national audience as comedy critic of The Independent On Sunday from 1994-97. He has also written profiles of Britain's best known comedians for The Face, GQ, The Independent, Night & Day and The Saturday Telegraph.

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The Age of Exploration: Totally Getting Lost Epic Fails by Erik Slader and Ben Thompson

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About the Authors

Copyright Page

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To all those who further

the Spirit of Discovery!

Mistakes … are the portals of discovery.

—James Joyce, Ulysses

INTRODUCTION

Lost at Sea

If at first you don’t succeed … You’re not the only one. In fact, you’re in pretty good company.

The Age of Exploration was an era of discovery. Fearless pioneers set sail into the unknown in search of new lands, adventure, and fortune. At a time when most of the world was still a mystery, these brave souls risked everything to glimpse what lay beyond the horizon. By land and sea, early explorers traveled to the far corners of the globe—and occasionally found themselves hopelessly lost.

On October 7, 1492, Christopher Columbus stood on the rocking deck of the Santa María, gazing out at uncharted waters, with all the confidence of Captain Kirk. Though he was sailing headfirst into unfamiliar territory, Columbus was certain that he’d be setting foot on Chinese land at any minute.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said of his eighty-seven crew members. They had been at sea with Columbus for twenty-nine days. That’s twenty-nine days without fresh supplies. Twenty-nine days drifting in the middle of the ocean with nothing but water as far as the eye can see in every direction.

Have you ever been on a really boring car ride? Like, your parents want to visit some park in the middle of nowhere, so you spend all day driving down the highway without anything exciting to look at or anything fun to do except listen to your dad sing a bunch of dorky songs you’ve heard a million times? For the crew of the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María, traveling with Columbus was kind of like that. Except, instead of eight hours in a car, they’d been at sea for an entire month. Oh, and there weren’t any gas stations to buy snacks, so if they ate all their food, they would starve to death.

Are we there yet? one guy may have mumbled as he munched on a stale biscuit, looking with sad eyes at the shrinking pile of food in the ship’s hold.

Throughout the Age of Exploration, the life of a seafarer could be so unpleasant that English writer Samuel Johnson once said it was like being in jail, but with the added possibility of drowning. If the dangers of sea travel weren’t bad enough, the awful conditions aboard the ship might make you want to take your chances in the open ocean.

The food was as terrible as it was limited. The most common food available was barrels of old salted meat and this really gross stuff called hardtack, which was just flour and water—basically a rock made of gluten. Scurvy was a constant problem among the crew because of the lack of veggies. Bugs and rats were everywhere, and disease was rampant. Hygiene was nonexistent, and everything smelled horrible. Many people died from minor infections due to minor injuries or by getting knocked overboard while trying to rig up the sails.

The crew worked four-hour duty shifts, day and night, and slept packed together on the floor or in hammocks in the cramped, dark, stuffy space belowdecks. Sea shanties, card games, and gallons of whiskey were all that kept them going at times.

Disobedience was answered with a whipping or time in the brig. Mutiny, if unsuccessful, was met with death.

Now, twenty-nine days into their mission, Columbus’s crew members had all come to the same conclusion—they were almost at the point of no return. These hardened sailors knew the ships were carrying about sixty day’s worth of supplies, and if Columbus didn’t turn back really soon, the crew wouldn’t have enough food to get them all home alive …

CHAPTER 1

Vikings in America

1000–1020

Leif set sail when he was ready; he ran into prolonged difficulties at sea, and finally came upon lands whose existence he had never suspected.

—The Saga of Erik the Red

The first European to discover America was a Viking. A Viking named Leif Erikson, to be exact.

The Vikings were fierce and often bearded seafarers who lived in Denmark, Sweden, and Norway between AD 793 and 1066. They are, perhaps, best known today for terrorizing their European neighbors by plundering, pillaging, and burning cities to the ground. The Vikings were tough, terrifying warriors you wouldn’t want to encounter in battle—on land or sea. They were well-known for their skills at sailing and navigation. They spent a good three hundred years striking fear into the hearts of anyone unfortunate enough to come within rowing distance of their awesome dragon-headed longships.

Erik the Red, in particular, is remembered as one of the toughest Vikings in all of history. Which is nothing to sneeze