Better Living Through Selective Apathy

By M.C. Alexander

Better Living Through Selective Apathy is your helpful guide to achieving a healthy and balanced life. Making a conscious decision about what is worth caring about helps us to understand the reasons why we have stress and anxiety in the first place, and how to avoid the majority of stress-causing variables in our daily life.

We are bombarded with "daily atrocities" from every direction. Every one of these are molehills we are expected to turn into mountains, but doing so only strands us in a mountain range from which there is no escape. We cannot be effective in coping with problems or creating necessary change in our world when we are spread in too many directions. Better Living Through Selective Apathy does not mean refusing to care about anything. It is learning to step back and objectively examine every piece of information we have presented to us, and determining an appropriate response instead of having a knee-jerk reaction. It is being selective with which molehills we make into the mountains we can successfully cross. It is selecting to be apathetic to the drama others try to create in our lives. It is selecting to be apathetic to religious and political extremism. It is selecting to be apathetic to the problems of xenophobia, intolerance, cruelty, and dwelling unnecessarily on either the past or the future. It is your guide to a more stoic approach to life, helping to reduce anxiety and stress.

• Language: English
• Publisher: M.C. Alexander
• Release date: Jul 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9798646873959

M.C. Alexander

M.C. Alexander is a multi-genre author of fiction and self-improvement books. He has spent decades in the fields of classical music and photography, and continues to enjoy various side projects in both fields. He has written everything from software manuals to novels, and enjoys reading the work of both mainstream and independent authors. He currently resides in the northeastern United States along with his beloved wife.

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M.C. Alexander

Better Living Through Selective Apathy

Copyright © 2020 by M.C. Alexander

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

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Contents

Preface

Introduction

1. Why do you care?

2. You Are Going to Die

3. The World Sucks

4. You Are So Full of Crap

5. You Are Useless

6. You Are a Failure

7. Quit Telling Me What to Do

8. Is This the Hill You Want to Die On?

9. You Are All Gullible Idiots

10. Oh, Good God.

11. You Are Different, and That’s Bad

12. Antisocial Media

13. The Power of Meh

Conclusion

Preface

I started to write this book a few years ago. Then, I found out about Mark Manson’s highly successful book entitled The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***. I bought it. I read it.

I stopped writing my book immediately.

Mr. Manson’s book was so good, I was utterly intimidated by its quality. I thought there was no longer any reason for me to write what I was going to write. His book covered so many of the same ideas, and in such a fantastic way, I figured it would be redundant to put my own ridiculous ideas out there. How could I possibly compete? I mean, seriously, go buy that book.

Even after reading Manson’s masterful opus, for years, the ideas for my own book kept batting at my subconscious like a cat demanding attention. Eventually the ideas clawed their way through to my conscious, and on an almost daily basis, pieces of the book would form in my mind. Eventually, a stupidly obvious thought occurred to me: Just because one book on a topic already exists, there is no reason another cannot also exist. Duh. But, I had gotten busy with life. I’d probably never get around to it.

In early 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic hit the world, and everything was shut down. I was stuck at home, with a spouse who I was most likely driving insane. I needed something to provide a distraction, partially to cope with my own insanity, but mostly to help my spouse maintain their own.

To that end, I’d like to start off by thanking my wonderful, patient, understanding, patient, and beloved (patient) spouse for putting up with me throughout this crisis, as well as the many years leading up to it. I’d also like to thank the inestimable American treasure that is Nick Offerman for inspiring me to have the sheer Gumption necessary to write this book and see it through.

-M.C. Alexander

Introduction

You are insignificant.

The observable universe is 93 billion light-years in diameter. Your relative size to just our own planet is laughably small. Earth is one of the smaller planets in our tiny solar system, revolving around a yellow dwarf star. Our yellow dwarf star is one of the smallest types of stars in the vastness of space. Compared to our sun, your size and significance is small enough that the word laughable doesn’t even begin to describe it. Compared to the Milky Way galaxy, our solar system is laughably small. The Milky Way is roughly one hundred sixty million times as wide as our solar system. How do you compare to that? Well, there is simply no way to describe how hilariously, infinitesimally small you are in comparison. As if all of that weren’t depressing enough, that’s just our galaxy. When compared to the entire universe, our galaxy is to the universe, as a ludicrously small particle of sand on the beaches of the Riviera is to our own solar system.

So, where do you factor in to all of that? You don’t. No one does. No one who ever lived on this planet has ever mattered when compared to the unfathomable expanse of the universe.

In truth, it isn’t conceivable to compare ourselves to the entire universe, so let’s scale things back a little. Let’s compare ourselves to all of the people currently living on the planet. That number is estimated to be around seven and a half billion people. If you think that’s even a number you can potentially wrap your mind around, try counting that high out loud. Over human history, the estimate of how many people have ever lived is somewhere around one hundred billion people. That is thirty times more people than currently live in the entire United States of America.

How many of those billions of people throughout human history have truly made a difference in the world? It’s like saying there are roughly nine hundred grains of sand on a beach that actually matter. The odds are very good that you are not one of those important grains of sand.

However, there is some good news. The universe, time, and the immeasurable history of every human being are so huge that they cease to be anything we can possibly comprehend. Each and every one of us exists wholly in, and lives fully in, our own universe. Over that particular universe, we do at least have some small amount of power.

The actual physical universe is immense and beyond our ability to comprehend, as is our relative role in all of it. So, too, is our place compared with the vast expanse of time. Thankfully, the things which cause us anxiety or stress or disappointment or anger or any other negative emotion are even more infinitesimally small and insignificant. In addition, we don’t have to live with the pressure of having to create some great universal legacy that will change the world. The odds just aren’t enough in our favor. We don’t matter much, when all is said and done. We only matter to ourselves and to the people whose lives we affect, either directly or indirectly, for better or for worse. That gives each of us significant power over multiple individual universes.

In and of themselves, the things which cause us to be unhappy simply don’t matter. It is our response to those things which makes them matter to us. It helps if we know those things don’t matter. We can then choose to live each moment for the experience that it is, with little or no concern about how they can potentially affect our future. We can choose to view our interactions with others in a more separated and objective way, because in the universal long run, none of us matter. Thus, any negative interactions we have with others also don’t matter. It’s literally not the end of the world if we have a disagreement with another person. We can choose to focus on the interactions we desire to remember and experience.

Our reactions to negative experiences with people and with circumstances can be responded to rather than reacted to. If we choose to think critically about each of those experiences as they happen, and analyze both how and why they affect us, we can reduce anxiety and stress profoundly. The goal of this book is to help you achieve a better balance between the rational and the emotional, and to help you approach the challenges you face with a helpful tool: Selective Apathy.

1

Why do you care?

That question is typically communicated as a rhetorical one. Instead, I am asking it as a practical question. Why do you care? This is an over-simplification of a question which should be methodically used to critically and objectively analyze each piece of information presented to you. It can also be thought of as a rather simple multiple-choice question.

Why do you care?

I care because this has a practical effect on my life in this moment.

I care because this may have a practical impact on my life in the future.

I care because this has a practical effect on something, or someone, I care about.

None of the above.

In most cases, the information with which we are presented can be answered with None of the above, if we choose to think about the circumstance or experience in an objective way. Some would counter by saying that we do not always have the power to choose what is important to us. Why not? Can we not separate a thing, in and of itself, from the reaction it might inspire in us? Can we not stop for a moment and analyze a thing in an objective way and ask questions about it? Asking specific questions about something, in order to separate ourselves from its emotional connection, requires discipline and practice. That practice is well worth the effort required to build change into our mental approach to external circumstances which are often outside our control. We can then separate out that which is not beneficial enough to warrant a specific emotional response, and what is. One way to look at this method of thinking is Selective Apathy.

What Is Selective Apathy?

Apathy is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. What, then, is Selective Apathy? Selective Apathy is purposefully making a choice regarding what you do not allow to take hold of your interest, enthusiasm, or concern. In short, it is deciding what you will, and absolutely will not, give a wet slap about.

Apathy is a term which is frequently thought of in a negative way. However, apathy can be a useful response and solution to the problems of stress, anxiety, and disappointment. It can allow us to view something from a more objective standpoint, divorced from the emotional baggage that can come with it. Apathy and its ability to separate us from emotions can make possible a thoughtful response instead of a knee-jerk reaction. This gives us time to acquire all information necessary to formulate an educated opinion before we continue the interaction. In other words, it gives us time to read the entire article before we react to only the headline. It gives us time to process the information and educate ourselves, which reduces the anxiety caused by fear of not knowing more about that information.

Sometimes we experience negative feelings when our full attention cannot be given to each and every worthy cause. We are almost constantly being inundated with information from a myriad of questionable sources, and we are expected by our family and friends to validate our relationships with them by investing ourselves emotionally along with them. They sometimes react negatively if they feel we don’t immediately echo back that their cause du jour is important enough to warrant our undivided attention and support. In fact, they can see your own lack of a matched emotional response as some sort of invalidation of themselves. This is simply not sustainable as a way to interact socially. Thus, it is important for us to be selective with what we choose to give our attention, regardless of who is presenting us with the information. I am not advocating building a stone wall to keep out these invaders, but rather, a firewall which keeps out everything other than what you have chosen to let in.

Look back at the multiple-choice question I posed. Notice that three of the four responses to the question Why do you care? have answers which show that you do, in fact, care. Selective Apathy is not a lack of caring. The Oxford definition of apathy doesn’t mention caring at all. Selective Apathy is not choosing for what you have care. It is choosing for what you are willing to have interest, concern, or enthusiasm. I am rearranging that order from the Oxford definition in order to create the acronym I.C.E. Yes, I realize that it doesn’t exactly convey a picture of a warm person, but think of it as advice to be generally chill about things. Interest, concern, and enthusiasm for things which fall under the first three responses to that multiple-choice question are all good responses to have. If you are asking Why do you care? then you are analyzing the information objectively.

Let’s look at some examples of how Selective Apathy may be applied to everyday situations.

Helen

A young adult woman named Helen is on the telephone with her mother. Her mother makes a critical comment about a choice Helen recently made in her romantic social life. Helen’s mother says, You need to stop seeing that guy immediately. Helen is understandably frustrated and hurt, and reacts by lashing out at her mother. She tells her mother to butt out and stop sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. She hangs up, and the two are now in a much worse place. Helen’s mother only wanted Helen to avoid making a mistake, but Helen stiffened her neck and will probably make the mistake on purpose just to spite her mother. Helen is scheduled on a flight to visit the family next month and now is wondering if she should cancel the trip entirely.

If Helen had been practiced at objectively looking at information coming her way, she might have made a couple of decisions which would have avoided both the fight and the resentment that comes with it.

Helen is an adult who makes her own decisions. Her mother can only offer advice, not command Helen to do something. Thus, the mother’s criticism has no direct power over Helen’s choice of actions.

What is the mother’s motivation in making the comment? Is she trying to manipulate Helen? Is she trying to be hurtful? Or, is she trying to help Helen avoid a bad experience?

Is there any reason Helen should give credibility to the criticism? If so, is that reason applicable and useful for Helen? If not, there is no reason to react, for the criticism carries no weight.

It is often difficult for us to accept information we feel is being forced upon us. Applying the principle of Selective Apathy here would have been more challenging. Helen is an independent adult, and most independent adults resent being told what to do. Whenever someone trying to impart advice starts a sentence with You need to or You have to, we tend to stiffen our necks. I am quite guilty of this, and often have to