Steely-Amelia

By Hybropsyche

... Is it sound teachings that tell us never to venture from the path and avoid all temptations, thus being shocked and wounded when our fellow humans don't recipricate? Or is it that hardened fearless person who goes out, lives life to the fullest, falls flat on their back over and over, but learns wisdom as they go; smoothing their rough edges until they become a smoothened rock of integrity? Or, indeed, maybe there is some middle ground; for not all individuals are made to strictly follow one course, neither are others constitutionally strong enough to endure and emerge unbroken by life in the fast lane. These were lessons I was to learn and therefore, I ask that the reader does not judge me too harshly.

For further information about Hybropsyche, please visit www.hybropsyche.bandcamp.com or search via YouTube.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Legend Press
• Release date: Sep 25, 2018
• ISBN: 9781789552874

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Steely-Amelia

by Hybropsyche

Published by New Generation Publishing in 2016

Copyright © Hybropsyche 2016

First Edition

The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

www.newgeneration-publishing.com

All characters portrayed, and the views expressed within this work are fictional. Any similarity between names, places, people and events is entirely coincidental.

Prologue

Who would have thought it? That after all this time, all the love, all the trials I have overcome, that this is my life in the midst of summer 2010 - my interpretation of Summer now being myself sitting and viewing the blue sky through a wood-slatted canopy. Who would have thought it, sitting here at age 31, with only the smell of cigarette smoke and loud voices that are in no-way akin to me? Yet here I am; Steely-Amelia I am to all the people I knew, probably either dead or alive; I don't feel so Steely at the moment. Some may say I deserved what I got, others would be of the other extreme, but none know me - perhaps living or dead. How could I find the right balance at such a first stage of introduction? How could I identify someone of the middle ground without a greater element of risk; without subjecting myself to more of the same?

My Life: Part One - Little Amelia

It was goodbye to everything: Goodbye to the house that I loved and where we three - that is, Mother, Father and me - had lived a happy and loving existence; Goodbye to the great stone house that I pretended was a castle, and the garden where I played with fairies. It was also Goodbye to nice Mrs Olive, our kind old neighbour who - though I didn't fully understand why at the time - suddenly became kinder and brought no end of cakes and biscuits round, helping mum around the house, until it seemed that she would do everything, whilst dear Mother seemed always to be in bed with just a bit of a sore throat.

But as we know - and I soon came to learn - forever is not an earthly possibility. And the whole thing hit me blow by blow one morning, when father woke me on a schoolday with darkened red eyes, telling me that I should go with Mrs Olive for a walk to the park where he would come and meet me later.

As I had literally dragged Mrs Olive around every swing, slide, roundabout and climbing frame, I began to notice a certain distraction as she seemed less breezy and always looking beyond everything. Then she would look at her watch until one moment where she stood straight, walked over to me grasping my hand so tightly that it hurt me saying that we had to go and walking to the telephone box. Once inside she immediately picked up the receiver and dialled, no sooner had the dial stopped whirring had she produced three ten penny pieces which she held in readiness. A voice that I knew was Daddy answered and Mrs Olive put the first coin in. Why does Daddy have a cold? I thought he never had one this morning, but now he is sniffing. To this day I cannot remember the conversation between he and Mrs Olive but I do recall the way she looked at me after resetting the receiver; her face was stony with determination to remain strong but as a girl of six it frightened me so to see upon someone who until this point had only smiles for me. She saw I suppose my reaction and her face broke once again into the tenderest smile; Come along, my dear, we must hurry home now.

The door opened and the first thing to hit me was the silence; at the bottom of the stairs we could always hear Mummy breathing, and the deep buzz of the machine at the side of her bed. Even when she was out of the house, Daddy would be busy doing something, but now all was quiet. Mrs Olive's arm was then about my shoulders as she led me into the dining room where Daddy was sitting. Before I knew where I was, he was sitting me on his knee and Mrs Olive had closed the front door behind her. I looked immediately into his eyes to see if they were better, but no, they looked worse. I could never have explained then how I knew but upon seeing his face again, I did; I thought my heart was going to burst, my eyes explode, my throat contract until I couldn't breathe. I trembled in his hold and stammered out; W-where's M-mummy? My Daddy was crying now; Grown-ups don't cry - not my Daddy, I thought. He hugged me tightly rocking me back and forth; Oh Amelia. Mummy is... She has died! I myself was holding Daddy tightly and howling with a misery that would not let me be, even for a moment.

By and by we sat in silence, our crying ceased for a respite, but I now felt tired and my limbs didn't seem to want to work, should I have ever wished to leave the side of my father. His voice was a whisper as he kissed my cheek; We will go to church soon and Mummy will be in Heaven, and she will never be ill again. Something inside me took some comfort of Mummy flying like an angel or fairy to some beautiful land; I wish we could go with her, I said. My Father sighed and held both my hands in his great big ones; No love. You must never think that way. One day... when the Lord decides, we may join her again but it is not our time and Mummy would be very sad to think of us wishing such things. My tears began to stream again; But I miss her. I don't know what to do. He hugged me once again; "I know. We still have each other, and if we stick together we will make your mum very proud."

I did try to remember that, every time I knelt in prayer at my bedside, every time I cried myself to sleep. My favourite cuddly toy was a big Panda whose white fur had become grubby with my tears, but was never to leave my side in bed and was held ever closer when the nightmares began.

The eventuality came that - after only one income and the shame Father felt in constantly relying on Mrs Olive to play nanny for so little recompense - we needed to economise and find somewhere more affordable to live. Back then, I thought we would stay there forever, but I made another rude discovery that forever is again not an earthly possibility. With Daddy practically martialling me sobbing into the packed car, he closed the back door and I immediately wound down the window as dear Mrs Olive approached, looking that day like she was the kindest I'd ever known her; Now don't cry my dear. You can come back and see me any time. Here... She reached into a carrier bag; Here are some sandwiches I made for your journey, and there is some lemon drizzle cake too. Look after for you and Daddy!

And Panda! I sniffed and tried to smile. She then opened her handbag and pulled out a small box; Here. This is for you, to remember your Mrs Olive and keep God close to your heart. With trembling hands I snapped the box open to find inside the most beautiful crucifix on an equally beautiful gold chain. I smiled and leaned out the window to kiss her; Thank you. I will miss you. Immediately she took my hand; Now let's have none of that, my dear. We won't be apart forever; you can visit me and who knows, I may come and visit you in your new house. We said our last goodbyes and the car pulled away. I looked back at the waving Mrs Olive, the house that was a castle and the garden where the fairies were but much more than that, it now felt that I was truly leaving my mother behind. Daddy looked back at me; We'll be alright Amelia love. We will get settled in the new house and you will have lots of new friends to play with. I could only nod in return as I lay back, Panda hugged close by my side.

I must have fallen asleep for a while, for now the surroundings I observed moving past were quite different from what I had seen in the small village i had hither to known: instead of leafy lanes there were bland concrete streets; instead of seeing the odd familiar neighbours walking to and from the small village square the streets were busy with crowds of people; and instead of the large stone houses set well apart from each other the houses were smaller, so close together and sometimes joined in long continuous rows. I don't know what I felt; Is this where we will live Daddy? I enquired. He sighed as he turned briefly towards me; Yes, we're not far now love.

They're so small. Will we be living in one of those really long houses with lots of other people? My mind suddenly had a vision of lots of children in long corridorlike rooms with dozens perhaps hundreds of bunk beds. Father laughed; Darling, each of those doors leads to a separate house. We will be in one like this. You'll see once we get there, it will just be like... home; the only difference being that there will only be windows at the back and front. These kinds of houses are called Terraced

Terrorist? He laughed again; No, love. ’terraced' - T E R R A C E... The car jolted sending me hurtling forward blessedly into the cushioned safety of Panda. Sorry love. I nearly missed our street, I do that every time. We pulled in outside a red door with a window close by. The whole street was packed together with about 15 similar houses on each side of the narrow road. The main road was behind us whilst ahead and much closer was a dead-end with a fenced-off overgrown rusty railway line that veered off into mystery. I looked back at the house we had parked outside of; "Is this our house?"

Not quite. He swung his arm over to the left and my gaze fell upon a similar house with a pale blue door and cars parked all the way along that side.

Have you got the sandwiches and cake? We may as well go in and see what you think of the place. I think you will like your bedroom. He climbed out of the car and opened my door, where a blast of cool breeze seemed to wake me fully. I stepped out of the car, the bag of sandwiches in one hand and Panda held tightly in my other arm. We came to the front door and something else struck me; There's no garden! I shouted, the children at the end of the street stopping what they were doing to look now in my direction. Father sighed again as he opened the door; There's a lawn out the back. Come inside and have a look round whilst I put the kettle on. I did as I was told and turned right from the hall into the front room. It didn't look all that different, maybe I could get used to this, especially when I had spotted the picture of the smiling countenance of Mummy perched on the mantel piece just as it was back home... back in our old house. My father upon seeing where I looked put his arm about my shoulders; She's still with us love. I looked up into his eyes; But she's in Heaven. He smiled; She can see us from Heaven, and as long as we remember her, she knows where we are. He led me through the middle room and into the kitchen. It was smaller, but again, not that different; the pots and pans we had... before were now present here.

Coke love? he said as he opened the fridge, which I reflect was also stocked full of things to eat. Many a time I reflected - in later life - on how my father had gone out of his way to make this new place look like home, before admitting me to it.

Yes please Daddy. Eager to see the back garden I took the keys from the side and tried each one in the back door until I got one to suit. I opened the door and stepped outside onto the path, where opposite I saw a house as if a reflection to this one. Then turning to the left I looked at the lawn and high wall to the back. There were no trees but many beautiful flowers set in white plastic pots. I had always been skittish, especially when meeting new people, so when a gruff loud voice issued Hello Darlin' from nowhere, I jumped out of my skin and dashed back inside. What's wrong love? asked my father with a slight laugh. I could not respond but just pointed back the way I came. He went outside as I lingered, and after some conversation, came bounding back into the kitchen; Come on. You've met one of our Neighbours. She's coming round for a cup of tea. . Now don't be silly, she helped me with the garden.

I followed as far as the living room and sat for the first time in the sofa. The front door opened and the neighbour was lead in; Hello love she said, I'm your new neighbour. I didn't mean to frighten you. You must be Amelia, such a pretty name! I smiled; Thank you. You talk funny!

Amelia! interjected my father. The neighbour laughed; That's alright! I'm from Ireland, a long way away from here, which is why I sound different. My mind became active again; Do lots of people come from a long way away to stay in these houses? Both my father and the neighbour laughed before she responded; Yes I suppose some do, bless your little heart. But you will find that people are different from each other, the way we look, the way we sound, but we're all the same in the eyes of the lord. She outstretched her hand to me; My name is Mrs O'Hara, pleased to meet you. Feeling now more at ease, I came forth to shake her hand, bringing myself to look upon her face, which appeared to smile in its entirety amidst a frame of grey-tinged curly red hair.

How do you do, Mrs O'Haira? I said as I shook her hand. I sat on Father's knee in the easy chair, as Mrs O'Hara sat on the sofa. I don't recall the conversation that they had until she rose saying, Well I'll leave you to get on with it for now. and looking down at me as father rose, setting me down on my feet; I'll see you again, darlin'! I hope you won't be frightened of me next time.

The rest of the afternoon involved firstly walking to and from the car to bring cases and belongings into the house, eating the sandwiches that Mrs Olive had prepared and then finally going upstairs to see my room. It was indeed beautiful. The walls were freshly papered with Rainbow Brite, there were drawers with multi-coloured fronts and a big wardrobe. The bed was set in the corner and new furry toys were set upon it. Father had always taken care to ensure one side of the bed would be pushed dead against the wall knowing how I seemed to have nightmares when having to face outwards.

Here are some friends to stay with you and your Panda in this room. I ran and jumped on the bed, then upon lying down had noticed the ceiling: glittery stars dotted a beautiful dark blue sky."

Well, do you like your new room?

Yes I do, it's really fab! I said; Thank you Daddy. I lifted my arms and hugged him; I love you Daddy. He kissed me on the top of my head; And I love you too. Within a few minutes he had left me to get acquainted with the room and the new friends which on reflection I knew were there to make me feel safer should I wake in the middle of the night and forget where I was. And as was often the case with me at that age, I began to talk to myself creating an imaginary world where myself, Panda, and now the dog, rabbit and lion could go on adventures together.

Amelia! Father's voice issued from the bottom of the stairs.

Daddy? I shouted back? He came halfway upstairs; Tea's ready. It's beans on toast, with my special beans! I cheered and ran down to the middle room to see the wooden round table set with our plates and knives and forks laid out, a mug of coffee at Dad's place and a glass of milk at mine. The sun was beginning to set outside, its golden rays pouring in through the small window to the back garden. I sat at my place - my new place - and began cutting into the toast. Father sat down; You didn't bring your Panda. I looked about me in realisation but he spoke again; He's only upstairs with the others, he'll be fine. I relaxed once more and father spoke again; Once you are settled it will be your job again to set the table and clear it afterwards. As with any child reluctant to housework I sighed; Yes I know.

We spent the rest of the evening watching TV until the time I was dreading came; OK, bedtime now! Dad's voice broke in as soon as I saw the big hand had moved to the half-past. I felt strange again but he took my hand; I'll come and sit with you for a while. Come on, teeth cleaned then ready for bed.

There was now something else standing on the bedside cabinet when I walked in to my new room, a photo in a frame. I sat upon the bed and there was the best photo in all the world, the one I always turned to in the photo album: My last birthday with Mummy, Daddy, Mrs Olive, friends from school and myself all smiling. I smiled back at this picture, as I eventually did following the initial months of me crying into the very same one following my mother's death. From that night onwards in our new home I hung the golden cross and chain about that picture every night, and in the day, wearing it where possible remembering Mrs Olive's words to always keep God close to my heart.

I lay down in my new bed, snug and safe with father singing softly as he crouched on the floor.

When I woke again he was gone but the light was still left on. I continued to stare up at the glittery stars and tried to always think of all things nice. Eventually however, I shot under the covers with Panda, leaving the rest to stand guard above my head.

The sound of birdsong and car engines woke me. I popped my head back over the covers and saw - though the light was now off - daylight coming through the blue curtains. The next sound I heard was Dad in the kitchen, plates clanging and pans sizzling. I climbed out of bed, put on my dressing gown and snuck down the stairs, strangely as though it was someone else's house. Walking through to the kitchen I saw Dad who put down his cup and smiled. I moved to him and hugged him looking upwards. He smiled down; Morning love. You've had your first sleep here, very brave!

What does brave mean? He smiled back at me; It means not to show that you're scared.

But I was scared. He stroked my hair; I know love. But you won't always be you know, you will become stronger again like you have before. And I didn't hear a peep out of you all night, you would have cried if you were not brave. I smiled, feeling a little more proud of myself.

Now, he continued; Breakfast won't be long, so upstairs, face washed and teeth cleaned quick-quickquick! He began to chase me and I screamed and laughed as I ran back to the hallway.

When I returned washed and groomed, black hair tied back, I noted the table not set and went to the kitchen to perform my duty. I began opening drawers; Where are the knives and forks Daddy?

Good girl, he said pulling open another drawer; Here they are, take those in and set the table then.

What about the plates?

I'll be bringing the plates with our breakfast on.

Now the moment came to step outside and see the new world. Dad helped me fasten the top button of my coat and we stepped out onto the street. I saw two boys on the opposite side kicking a football to one another. I suddenly felt afraid again and Dad apparently seeing my expression whispered; Brave, remember. then turning to the boys said, Alright, lads!

'ello Mister! shouted back one, whilst the other one smiled at me. I smiled back shyly as we turned to walk down the street.

Where are we going Daddy? I enquired as we rounded the corner.

Well first I thought we'd have a look around, get our bearings! On seeing my frown he immediately smiled; Bearings means... so you know where you are.

I know where we are, I can see, we're outside a shop... with some nice sweets. He sighed with another smile; No love. It means so we can recognise where we are so we don't get lost coming home. He pulled at my arm as I lingered still looking in at the goodies; Later, Amelia. You've just had your breakfast!

OK. I said as I fell back into step alongside. We had barely gone a few streets - father ensuring I adhered to the green cross code - when we came to a small opening in a criss-crossed wire fence, through which I could see a park. Part of me was excited though my skittishness - at seeing other children there I did not know - made me almost step back. My father knowing this of me all too well, squeezed my hand; C'mon, you have to try. With head lowered I took the unsteady steps forward. Father glanced around at the rides and looked back at me; I'll come with you to the climbing frame, there's no one there at the moment... And you've just had breakfast so the swings and roundabouts are something you can try a bit later on I think! I moved over and began to climb with Dad standing at the bottom looking up.

Hello there. Dad said as two girls had come over from the slide. This is Amelia, what are your names? I smiled shyly at them and they both smiled in return before introducing themselves; Kirstie!... Jane! The latter looked a couple of years older than me - with a round face and fashionably-streaked hair - and immediately climbed up to my level; I 'aven't seen you before. You just moved in to a house round 'ere? I picked up on the new accent; Are you from Ireland as well? Jane's eyes went wide; No, I'm from England!

But you don't sound like me.

And you don't sound like us. There was an awkward pause then Jane added; But we can still be friends can't we? Kirstie then climbed up to our level excitedly; Let's play Castles! She - with an equally round gleeful face - looked a little younger than me and I quickly discovered as we began to play with me being Queen Amelia, Princesses Jane and Kirstie were sisters. Before I had realised it, my Dad had sat on a nearby bench leaving me to it. And before much longer, we were joined by a Prince and a brave Knight.

Amelia! Dad shouted over from the bench where he and a blonde-haired woman were sitting; We need to head into town. I moaned in disappointment which I can now reflect pleased my father inwardly on seeing me enjoying the company of people my own age. The lady also rose from the bench and headed towards us; We've got to go as well girls. Why don't you meet up later? Amelia, would ya' like to come for your tea later? I jumped; Can I Daddy?

"Of course you can, if Mrs Lindley doesn't mind?

Course not! And you're welcome to come too, Mr Pensword. 'About half-five?

Thank you, we look forward to it.

Sunday Night before my first day at the new school was upon me, though perhaps I should also emphasise Dad's night before starting work in a local factory, as I do recall his being quieter than usual. We sat together, my head resting on his shoulder as he had his arm around me; You'll be alright tomorrow love. I'll walk with you to school before I go to work, and Jane said she'd look out for you, he'd said after a long silence. I sighed; I can't take... He hugged me closer; No love, you can't take your Panda.

The plates clanging in the Kitchen woke me once again, but this time I felt the butterflies in my tummy as the truth dawned on me that today was the day. I stuck my head back under the covers hoping it would all go away.

Amelia. Come on for your breakfast! I moaned but wanted to stay where I was, until Dad's voice came again with a firmness that made my eyes sting; Amelia! Father had rarely raised his voice to me, so I knew well enough to obey without question when he did, but my apprehension at the coming day spilled the tears onto my face and I began to sob. The next thing I heard was his great feet thumping upstairs. The door opened making me cry harder. He came forward, and as I cowered, his voice was gentle again; I'm not going to hit you, don't be silly. He hugged me tightly as I cried into his shirt; "I know you're afraid for today... This is another change but I promise you, this will be the last big change you will have to go through for a long time... You've already started to get familiar with this house; you've got some new friends. I sputtered; But Jane is in the top class and Kirstie is in the bottom class and I am in the second class."

You can see them at Playtime, and you will make other friends you know. He held me until I had stopped crying and then pulled me away; Now have you got a smile for me? I gave him an unsteady smile until he sniggered and said further; Oh dear. Look at that face, a lovely smile apart from the tears and snot! This did make me laugh causing a further expulsion. He laughed again; Go and wash your face then, otherwise your cornflakes will end up all salty!

Outside the school, I stood with Dad and looked. This was different: my old country school was tiny by comparison to this great concrete modern-looking building; the couple of dozen kids in a small playground were outranked by a seemingly vast playground with perhaps hundreds of kids. The whole scene was quite overwhelming, but as I stood I was cheered enough to see Jane and Kirstie walking towards me; 'Ello Amelia they chorused. I smiled back; Hello Jane, hello Kirstie! Dad knelt down; You'll be alright now. Mrs O'Hara will collect you tonight. I nodded and Jane took my hand; She'll be alright, Mr Pensword! And after I kissed Dad goodbye, Jane immediately tug me; You're on! and began to run down the playground. I ran along after, then remembering that Kirstie was running behind, I turned tapping her on the head; Now you're it! The laugh from Jane in the distance distracted me long enough for Kirstie to immediately tap me back; You're on! With both unable to get out of one another's reach in time, we literally spent the rest of the period dodging and tigging until we were in fits of hysteria. The school bell rang and all ran to the paved area outside the entrance where the duty teacher stood watchful.

I was then parted from Kirstie and Jane and walking down a long corridor which smelt of wooden chairs and disinfectant, pools of light reflecting off the floor tiles from a series of square skylights. A cheery voice caught up with me; Hello, Amelia isn't it? I nodded, and then turned to look up into her face. Had I not been shy at that time, I might have blurted out that she reminded me of Daphne from the Neighbours soap, which had started its run in England around that time. She took my hand; I'm Miss Grogan. You were walking so fast, I couldn't catch you! Come with me to the front of the class. We walked into the large classroom and the rest of the class filed in after. Once there, we turned to the bustling noise and Miss Grogan issued; "Children! Sit down at your tables quietly, you don't need to be told twice anymore do you? The class sat silent and I was suddenly aware that all eyes were on me, my head now drooping instantly. Miss Grogan continued; Now this, everyone, is Amelia Pensword. She is new to our class, but I want you to make her feel welcome. Say 'Good Morning' to Amelia. I always looked back with a smile on how the class tried to pronounce my name at that time, between them giving it three times as many syllables in that first utterance; then subsequently my having to settle to being known by most in that class as Emily-ah. Teacher laughed softly; Right, some of your tables have a spare empty seat, who would like Amelia to sit at their table? Maybe this was the starting point - or a contributory factor - to my Steeliness" but as only boys responded, I sat at an all-boys table.

Mrs O'Hara was waiting for me at the gate and took me back to her house. She had preceded to the kitchen, leaving me with a glass of pop whilst I watched TV, waited for Dad and thought through my first day at my new school.

For what seemed an age later, father's car pulled up outside our house and - once he had locked it - came to Mrs O'Hara's front door.

Daddy! I shouted, smiling at his face breaking up into distorted fragments through the glass. Mrs O'Hara came from the Kitchen; Open the door then love, don't leave him out there! Once inside he pulled off his boots and Mrs O'Hara bad him sit down; Dinner won't be long.

You didn't have to go to any trouble, he said.

Oh, nonsense! It's no trouble at all, little Amelia was already here and you've had a hard day, I'll be bound. She began to spread out the tablecloth; "No, doesn't bother me one bitt! I suspect a