Optimizing Evil: A More Efficient Fantasy, #1

By N E Riggs

Traditional fantasy worlds are shit. The technology is pathetic, the magic is too showy, the beer tastes like piss, and evil always loses.

Mika is going to force his world to be more efficient, whether it wants it or not. If he's going to start with evil, that's only because the good guys are dicks.

• Language: English
• Publisher: N E Riggs
• Release date: Jun 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393287810

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Optimizing Evil

A More Efficient Fantasy

Book 1

N E Riggs

Copyright © 2020 N E Riggs

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

N E Riggs

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Illustrator: Rebekah Smelser

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Editor: Leanore Elliott

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1

Optimizing Evil

Something white poked out of the yellowish grass. Mika crouched down and pushed the grass aside to see the remains of a human skull. It gleamed in the sunlight even though the last few days had held mostly rain – the skull was new. From the fracture lines, something hard and blunt bashed in the side of the skull. For a moment, he contemplated how, after said bashing, the killer must have taken off the skin and then scooped out the brain. So much effort. If it went to a practical cause, then he approved.

Mika straightened slowly, his eyes scanning the scraggly countryside around him. Pitiful trees dotted the ridge. He could hear a stream burbling nearby. Hills rose to the north, where the trees clustered closer but looked no healthier. Only three types of people came into the Empty Fields: Demonians, heroes, and fools. Recently, one of the last two had run into a Demonian – probably a troll. Orcs were neater, and goblins liked to keep bones for jewelry. Also, trolls liked the taste of brains, if cooked properly.

This was an ideal spot for a troll to hunt. The stream close by to the path, with plenty of animals to eat when heroes and fools were in short supply. Trolls had an excellent sense of smell. Wherever the creature was currently hiding, it knew Mika was nearby. It was probably waiting for him to reach a good spot for an ambush. Trolls hardly needed the element of surprise, but they liked it anyway.

After a quick search, Mika spied a large tree limb on the ground. He left the path to pick it up, trying to make no noise or sudden movements. Returning to the side of the path, he put down his pack and sword, and sat. He pulled out his knife and started to carve.

He was still carving when a gigantic figure crashed over the ridge and lumbered towards him. The creature towered over him, half again his height and at least twice his width. Scraps of leather and fur hung off the troll’s brownish body, with brown fur cropping up in odd places. A necklace of small bones hung around his neck – probably from human and dwarfish children, Mika thought, but no elfish ones. Using an elf child to make jewelry was a waste when they went for such high prices in Demonia.

Of all the creatures from Demonia, the trolls were the largest and strongest. Despite the popular legends about them, they were far from stupid.

The troll slowed then stopped a short distance from Mika. You aren’t going to scream? He rested massive fists on the ground before him. Trolls walked on all fours just as often as on their hind feet.

Mika didn’t look up from his carving. Would it make you feel better if I did? He spoke to the troll in its native language of Demonian.

Most people scream. Unless I kill them before they see me. The troll sat down, staring at Mika. No one ever talks to me.

That’s a shame, and very rude. I’m Mika, and I’m pleased to meet you.

The troll opened his mouth, showing off yellowed teeth the size of Mika’s fingernails. I am Jeekee, son of Jotee.

Mika looked up long enough to smile and touch a hand to his throat, then returned to his work.

His Demonian greeting made Jeekee grin broadly and lean back.

Tell me, Jeekee son of Jochee, what’s a troll doing alone in the Empty Fields, so far from Hella?

Jeekee hunched over and poked at the mud and grass. I got kicked out of my raiding party two years ago.

What happened?

We raided into Elfland. I accidentally stepped on a baby elf. Jeekee pulled a face. My captain was furious. He was going to bring the baby back to Hella as a birthday treat for one of the king’s cousins. But I ruined it – you can’t bring a dead elf baby to a demon noble, they like them fresh. We returned home by this path and set up camp not far away. I went to sleep with everyone else, but when I woke up, I was alone. He wiped tears from his eyes.

Mika worked in silence while Jeekee composed himself. That’s awful, he said when the troll finished crying. Your family must miss you terribly. If you ever want to get home, though, you should stop killing people. He nodded at the skull, visible again among the long blades of grass.

Jeekee stared at him as if he thought Mika was mad. What else are humans good for? Er, present company excepted, of course.

I’m sure they taste better than the local wildlife, but eating them won’t get you home any faster. Heroes pass this way all the time. Mika waved his knife at the path. It wound east, through the Empty Fields, into Demonia and all the way to the capital of Hella. Even for a troll, it would take days to walk that far. The Empty Fields stretched for over a hundred miles in every direction, because they held nothing of interest or value, but also served as a buffer between Demonia and the rest of the world.

You think I should kidnap some humans?

If you bring back someone impressive, you might be allowed to go home. You can use this to help. Mika put away his knife and handed Jeekee his carving. It was a club, long and smooth, wide enough for a trollish hand to easily grip and wield.

Jeekee gaped at the weapon for some time. It was as long as Mika’s torso, but it looked smaller when Jeekee held it. This... is for me?

Mika nodded.

Nobody’s given me any gifts in years! Tears streamed down Jeekee’s face again.

Mika stood and patted the troll on his bicep – the highest place Mika could reach, even with Jeekee sitting. All the more reason for you to have something to help you. All Demonians need a good weapon, especially those who are all alone on the Empty Fields. Be careful not to hit anyone too hard. Dwarfs are tough, but humans and elves get crushed easily.

Oh, I know all about crushing. Don’t worry about me, I’ll use your gift well. Jeekee lunged forward, his arms outstretched.

Only by great force of will did Mika not flinch away or cringe as the troll made for him.

Jeekee didn’t attack him. Rather, he gathered Mika into a tight hug that drove all the air out of Mika’s lungs. I’ll find a famous hero and be back in Hella before fall. Maybe I can finally become a jewelry maker like I always dreamed. I’ll be home, so I can do whatever I want. I promise I’ll work hard! He dropped Mika.

Mika barely kept from toppling over as he landed on the ground. Good. You do that. He rubbed at his aching ribs, then picked up his pack and sword. He touched his throat once more while Jeekee waved, then continued along the path.

Soon, the troll lay far behind him. Mika tilted his head back, taking what pleasure he could from the ugly countryside. He didn’t like the Empty Fields. Nonetheless, he came here often. This would be the last time, he promised himself, touching the cord that hung around his neck. After this trip, there would be no reason to cross the Empty Fields. Perhaps, for