What the Crap?

By Daniel Forbes

With titles like How to Bacon Wrap a Vampire and Customers are Parasites how could you resist such an odd collection of stories. Some stories are biographical, and some come from the weird corners of my mind, good luck figuring out which ones are which. There are ghost stories from a small town, and from other places. Welcome to the wild ups and downs of my stories.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Daniel Forbes
• Release date: Apr 9, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463966143

Daniel Forbes

Daniel is a desert rat living in a ghost town cause ghosts are better company. He collects crafts, preferably ones that a becoming rare. Writing and his various crafts are the way he deals with life. He is married to a wonderful woman who is both his illustrator and inspiration. A quote from Daniel "Peanut butter chocolate chips cookies rule."

Book preview

What the Crap?

Forward

Thank you for buying my first book. It is imperfect, and there are mistakes. Despite all that I hope that you can enjoy the stories my weird mind has created.

Gotta give thanks to Don for taking up the task to try and give me English lessons, so that I do not make as big of an idiot of myself as I could have. All the while he was building a house.

Gary Po and Candace Seabron at the Tintic Motorcycle Works and Museum. Had some good times there, and then there was the old PO Boxes and all those keys.

Late nite zaney talks of random things with Colby, and the weird brain storming sessions.

Margret at the Tintic Goldminers Inn, for telling me she had a ghost, and for putting up with my curiosity as she remodeled her cabin.

Chef Tamara Stanger at Cotton and Copper for the answer to the question. What wine would pair with a vampire steak?

Thank you Rita for finding my mistakes when my eyes could no longer see them.

Most important of all to me is my wife, Kathie without her I would never have taken up writing again or had the courage to even publish something. She is also my favorite artist. She encourages my imagination, and my writing, even thought I have turned the front room of the house into my office. Love you Beautiful.

Copyright©2020 by Daniel Forbes, Smashwords Edition. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereofmay not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoeverwithout the express written permission of the authorexcept for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

No story is factual and all are works of fiction.

Chapter 1

Gold

Pan

Thief

Honey did you get the water cans outside? Michael yelled from the garage.

I did, they’re waiting for you to fill them. I'm getting the food packed. His wife Yolonda yelled back."

Thanks. Michael yelled.

Michael filled six, five gallon water cans, and lifted them, with a grunt, into the back of his old pickup truck. The newly married couple were headed out into Utah's West Desert to do some gold panning. They had met through a gold panning club, and heard legends of gold in an undiscovered wash deep in the desert. No one in the club had found it, and these two adventurous love birds decided that finding the wash, and panning it would be a great adventure for their honeymoon.

I got the water in the truck. Michael yelled.

Would you get our packs? Yolonda asked.

Sure thing.

Before Michael got the bags, which were in the bedroom, he stopped in the kitchen and kissed his new wife. Her eyes sparkled, and she smiled. Then she pulled him in and kissed him back.

Love you. They both said at the same time, then giggled.

Michael got the packs in the back of the truck, and saw his wife carrying the chuck box out of the kitchen. She was a strong woman and easily tossed it into the back of the truck.

Did you get the maps printed up? Yolonda asked.

Sure did. Got them in a water proof case, and they are in the truck. I also got all the fuel cans filled.

Good then we're ready. Yolonda smiled. I'll drive till Eureka.

Sounds good to me. Michael said.

They both climbed into the truck, and began the the drive to Eureka. The radio was tuned to a country station. They both relaxed and enjoyed the music. They drove the back roads, because they both hated the crazy pointless speed and insanity of the freeway. The back roads offered a relaxing drive, and beautiful views.

When Michael and Yolonda had found out about this location to gold pan, it was from an old man in they had met at a restaurant in Eureka. The old man told then that a friend of a cousin's wife's mother's best friend's dog groomer had panned for gold in this wash, and gotten a few ounces and even a some small nuggets. The other thing this old man told them really got them excited. There was a ghost that haunted this wash. The ghost's name was Lighting Jack, and the wash was called Jack's Grave Wash.

They had pressed the old to tell them about Lightning Jack, but he wouldn't. All the old man would say is. If you are going to go chase ghosts then telling you would take away the fun.

Michael pressed the old man for more information, but got nothing and except for chasing him away. They spent the rest of the day taking to others in town, and even went to the museum. But no one seemed to have heard anything about the ghost Lightning Jack.

They decided that even if it was a tall tale, it would still be a fun adventure to try and find a place that matched the description of Jack's Grave. So they decided that when they got married they would spend their honeymoon at Jack's Grave.

Yolanda pulled the truck into in a gas station on the east end of Eureka. Michael giggled over the name, Fill-R-Up. That is funny name. Michael said.

Unique enough to be remembered. Yolonda said.

They switched places in the truck to that Michael could drive on the dusty dirt roads. Yolonda did not like driving on anything other than pavement, Michael however loved dirt roads and mud puddles. They filled the trucks gas tank at the gas station, then hit the dirt road cheering. Michael had a blast driving the ten miles of dirt roads. He loved bouncing around in the truck. Breathing dust was not was fun, but getting covered in dirt to him was a sign of fun.

They had spent a lot of time trying to find Jack's Grave, and it paid off. They had a map that took them straight to the location they believed to be location of the ghost and the gold. They parked next to a small grove of juniper trees and set up a nice camp under the trees.

They finished setting up, and got a small fire going in an above ground fire pit they had brought with them.

Hotdogs? Yolonda asked, as she dug into the cooler.

Definitely, they are easy and it has been a long day. Michael said.

They both unpacked the food and sat back down on their camp chairs. They roasted the hotdogs on sticks over the fire. This was nice lazy way to cook because they did not have to even getup off their chairs. Yolonda liked her hotdogs slowly roasted over hot coals until they were a nice golden brown. Michael did not like hotdogs very much, and his preferred way to cook them was to toss a couple right into the coals and let them burn. The charring on the hotdog improved the flavor of the mystery meat tube.

I don't understand why you insist on ruining your hotdogs like that. Yolonda said.

Because if I don't, they taste so gross I can't eat them. Michael said.

Oh your Mother called while were packing the truck. She wants us to come over for Thanksgiving this year. Yolonda said.

We have not had a Christmas or Thanksgiving for ourselves since we started dating. Michael whined. Can't we just have the holidays for ourselves this year?

I don't want to cook that much food for just the two for us. Yolonda complained.

I do the cooking anyway. Michael said.

True, I guess I can't use that as a reason to not do it on our own. Yolonda said.

So that is a yes?

I guess, but you have to tell your mom. Yolonda said.

I'll tell my dad, and he can tell my mom. Michael spoke with just a little bit of fear in his voice. Telling his mother that they were not going to be there fo the holidays was not an emotionaly safe thing to do. The guilt trip alone could cripple a man.

So what are you going to cook for Thanksgiving then?

A turkey and ham. I'll freeze the left overs and we can make all kinds of stuff with it. Michael said.

Stuffing, mashed potatoes, and pies? Yolonda asked.

Of course, and anything else you want. Michael said.

We have a few months to come up with a plan, so I'll think on it. Yolonda said.

I'm thinking a nice pie with apples and pears, with nice crumb top. Michael said.

Oh that does sound good. Yolonda agreed. I think we should put out the fire now that we are done cooking.

There was a little spring close to where they were camping. Michael hauled buckets of water and drenched the fire until it stopped steaming. They spent the rest of the evening relaxing and reading books. They were an odd couple that did not even own a television. Instead they had a whole room of their house full of books. They even met at a book store. They both like the same store and kept running into each other. After the hundreth time of bumping into each other Michael just blurted. Do you wanna get lunch? From that blossomed a wonderful love.

Morning comes early in the summer and the sun heated the tent quickly. With the air cooler outside Yolonda and Michael began working on a breakfast of eggs, bacon, and oatmeal. Michael was was an odd one and disgusted Yolonda by putting butter, garlic, and dill in his oatmeal. She had gotten use to his oatmeal, and and was happy with her raspberry preserves, and cream in her oatmeal.

After breakfast the fire was put out and they both threw bags on their back and descended into Jack's Grave Wash. They each carried a five gallon bucket to haul dirt in because the wash had been dried for as long as everyone could remember.

As they walked in the wash they looked for large boulder in the lowest spots in the dry stream bed. They dug around the downhill side of the boulder, and filled their buckets with the dirt. The small spring was a mile back up the wash. Once at he small pond around the spring they began panning the dirt form the buckets.

Do you really think there is a ghost here? Michael asked.

I'm not sure, but it sure would be cool. Yolonda said.

Silently they swished the water and dirt in their pans for a few minutes.

I got a tiny nugget! Yolonda shouted.

I have some gold sand. Michael said.

There was a maniacal laugh that seemed to work it's way down the wash. Do you hear that? Yolonda asked.

It might be the ghost, but it sounds a little creepy. Michael said.

The laugh grew closer. Yolonda focused on her pan, and swished the water around until there was nothing left but tin nuggets of gold. I must have almost an ounce of gold. Yolonda squealed.

Yolonda looked at Michael as she spoke, and grinned. The maniacal laugh sounded as if the source was right there with them. She looked back to her pan. It's gone! She squealed.

The laugh disappeared down the wash until it was once again silent. It must be Lightning Jack. He must have been a gold thief or something. Michael said.

Michael head the same laugh next to him. He looked at his pan and every speck of gold was gone. He just got mine too. Michael laughed.

Lets get ore dirt in our pans and see if he get the gold again. Yolonda was excited.

They both hurriedly scooped dirt into their pans, dipped them in the small pond, and began swishing the water around. After just