Map of Motherhood

By Gulus G. Turkmen

There are dozens of theories and hundreds of books explaining what kind of a parent you should become. However not only every parent, but also every child and every culture is unique. Be the one to determine the right way for yourself through the Map of Motherhood.

Many of us know that an ideal mother does not exist. But we also feel that we can become a better mother than we are. Then why don’t we replace the phrase “ideal mother” with ‘‘the mother we want to be’’ and take such a journey with this book?
The Map of Motherhood allows you to detect and control the forces and emotions that guide you without being judgmental or formalistic. A small change in your map is all that is required to enable positive behavior modification. In today’s world, it is almost impossible to change your opinion on another person’s warning or recommendation. What makes this change so easy in the Map of Motherhood is that the control and decision are entirely yours.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dixi Books Publishing
• Release date: Jan 11, 2020
• ISBN: 9786199099766

Book preview

Motherhood.

PERSPECTIVES OF MOTHERHOOD FROM EAST AND WEST

My intention is to move you from where you are and lift you up over the clouds for a while. I will help you get out of your current emotional state and look at your surroundings, choices, and path with a clear eye. I wonder what you will discover and how you will shape your future after discovering your own Map of Motherhood…

For local flights, the plane takes off, the food is served, then the trays are picked up in a hurry, and finally the plane lands. On the other hand, if you have a long distance to travel, first you go through the magazines aligned in front of your chair, then you eat your food, and eventually you turn your head towards the window and remain there in solidarity with yourself over the clouds. Right at that moment, away from everything and everybody, a self-assessment launches in your mind. That would be the assessment of your current state. Thoughts and memories start popping up in your head and you start putting all the bits and pieces together. Many productive minds find their calling at that moment while floating over the clouds. I personally wrote the majority of my song lyrics in an airplane, too. The biggest reward from finding that spiritual state, besides finding your calling, is seeing the whole picture.

I owe the creation of the Map of Motherhood partially to my experience as the publication manager at the Alternative Motherhood website and my trips between the East and West of the world. I spent 16 years of my life traveling intensively between Belgium and Turkey. Considering that I used to fly three times a year during those 16 years, I must have ridden in an airplane about 96 times. If I spent around three hours in each flight, I must have traveled for 288 hours over the clouds. That means for 18 hours every year and six hours every three months, I had an aerial view of my life.

I have lived in both tranquil cities and chaotic cities that never sleep, I ventured alone through well-lit highways when I could have taken buses readily accessible from the sidewalks, I purchased, washed and diced tomatoes instead of organic village tomatoes, I shopped in markets where I waited for my turn to speak instead of mingling with chatty store owners, I had to be careful about my legal rights when I hosted parties in my apartments instead of counting on forever tolerant residents.

One day, when I was in high school, our gym teacher asked us to lie flat on the floor and close our eyes. Then, she gave a hypnotic speech and asked us to visualize ourselves getting lighter from our toes and up. We felt so light; we almost lost contact with the earth, and flew over where I visit three times a year; over the clouds. Our teacher was not satisfied with the clouds and asked us to go further in the deep dark corners of space. From there, I looked at what I missed the most: my dear Turkey. I thought about my friends and my relationship with my family. I saw where I was standing and knew where I had to go. When I was descending slowly, I realized that ever since I was 10 years old, I was doing exactly this: meditation!

My travels between the East and West during the last 16 years were not only physical transportations. I wanted to decide who I was, what I really wanted, and the most suitable place for me to live. These cultural travels were enriching yet tiring. At the end of the day, I was a body and would need to decide on a place to root.

Meditation, the journey within, or the effort to reach the core through different cognitive stages was not something I learned through courses. My periodic elevations to over 10 thousand meters left a significant impact on me. Around the same time, I realized the importance of distancing myself from events and people in order to make healthier reflections. This is exactly from where the idea for the Map of Motherhood came.

Extreme ends

If you could choose a place to live on the classical world map, which would be ideal: the East or the West? In order to make a decision, you would have to consider your personality among many other factors. It would be wrong to see East and West as black and white; in reality, such clichés reveal a lot!

For example which continent do you find colder or hotter?

Which continent represents crowds; which represents loneliness?

Which continent is rich, which is poor?

Which one is messy, which is organized?

Which one is a female, which is a male?

Direct and Indirect communication extremes

My grandparents lived in Ankara, the capital of Turkey, for many long years. One day, the new American neighbors who had recently moved upstairs invited them to visit. My grandmother dressed and dolled herself up before going upstairs. The lady of the house asked her, What would you like to drink? Oh please, no need for trouble, replied my grandmother. The neighbor then said OK and did not bother further!

My grandmother told me the story of how upset she was because her neighbor did not insist on serving anything and how she, as a famous tea lover, had to sit and talk all day without a cup of tea. I asked her What is there to be upset about? She asked you for a cup of tea and you said no.

- Should I bring a cup of tea for you?

- Oh please, no need for trouble!

- Oh, come on. No trouble at all!

- No, really, do not get up now. Let’s just chat.

- No problem, here is your tea.

Above is the conversation my grandmother expected to have. But what if she really did not want a cup of tea? In that case, she would have tried to express her refusal very gently as in any other Eastern country.

I am still not used to this. You have no idea how hard it is to explain to your host that you are full and cannot possibly eat any more of the food that is served.

- I do not want any, thank you!

- No, you must have some!

- I really cannot eat any.

- Just a little piece.

- That’s too much!

- No, that’s not much at all!

This verbal play, a form of kindness, is a must in the East. In the West, good luck finding it!

Like me, those who grew up between the East and West end up in hard-to-escape situations due to the differences in communication patterns. For example, I sometimes realize that my jokes are perceived as rudeness. As in dark comedy, my tendency to apply humor to serious subjects is often repelled in Eastern lands. Conversation is naturally a two-way exchange and I tend to be surprised with how tight-lipped some people collocutors get. The insincerity in expressing one’s thoughts and emotions, or listening with only a faint smile or a simple nod, is not communicating by my terms. Does that surprised burst of laughter mean I love your stories; go on! or I am only laughing out of kindness; if you keep talking this will be the last time you see me!?

All these differences in attitudes are about how we internalize the social patterns we grow up in without even realizing it.

Collectivist / Individualistic extremes

Alternative Motherhood blog where I worked as an editor elaborating on the differences in raising children in different cultures. One of the bloggers at Alternative Motherhood, Asli, wrote about finding herself envying the Canadian children’s TV hero Caillou -and especially Caillou’s mother- while watching the show with her son Aren:

They have such a world that if I could I would live in that monotonous routine for years! First of all, there is a huge, colorful house. You can even live in the yard. Streets are safe; everyone is an angel. The Dad does not go to the office, but somehow he works. There is a father figure who is always ready to respond when summoned. Every three episodes, the father is vacuuming the boutique hotel looking house. The mom on the other hand has figured it all out; she is a symbol of patience. No matter what happens, she does not reach the threshold of her patience. Forget about reaching the threshold, she does not even budge. If the children ask for something outrageous, she says ‘I don’t think we can do that’ and all problems get solved without any objection from the kids. If the siblings get in a fight, she says ‘I think you should do it this way’ and the fight magically comes to an end. Whatever he mom ‘thinks’, it is the right thing.

In her article, she also commented that she did not find it right to show such an ideal life as real. She would have liked to see Caillou’s mom get angry or loud once in a while. This article was a big hit, wildly liked and shared. There were however contrary voices in the crowd as well:

I live in Germany. Caillou’s parents happen to be my neighbors, colleagues, and people I run into in the market. You have to believe that these are the parents who are naturally quiet and patient with their communication with their children. They also research and learn the best for their children.

Caillou is a foreign show and presents a foreign family’s life. I, as a foreigner, find it the most suitable show for my child, because to me it describes a normal life. We (foreigners) are usually calmer. I do not let my child watch a Turkish show, because in them mothers are usually portrayed as cooks only. In no episode a child can put on his/her pants alone.

Families living in rural U.S. and Canada are similar to Caillou’s family. They are away from the stress of urban life; they are calm; and, dads do every chore in the house including wiping windows. Canadians are known for their kindness and good temper.

The above feedback shows that certain behaviors very common in one culture can be unreal in others. To answer the question Why Turkish children cannot eat or dress themselves? a Turkish mother can say He is dependent on me; how can I be so coldhearted? You may find yourself in such conversations, because some of us believe children should fly with their own wings while others view it as neglecting the child and motherhood duties.

One of the reasons I chose to go back and live in Turkey was my fondness for large families and the close-knit connections Eastern families can achieve. I love living close to my family; however, that does not mean I do not realize problems arising every time they get too close to our immediate family.

Even if immediate families live in their own house, it is very common to see close relatives living in the same building or nearby neighborhoods. The tendency is also to make collective decisions within the large family when buying a house or a car. It is nice to have family nearby to take you to the doctor when you are sick, yet it is not uncommon to have nervous breakdowns because you are angry with your mother-in-law.¹

Female / Male extremes

Turkey is described as a nation with traditionally feminine features because Turkish people like to support the discriminated, care about others, look for balance, and come to terms rather than practicing individualism or looking for success.

Talking about feminine features, another clear indication of Eastern families is job dispersion at home. Today, it is more accepted for women to have jobs outside the house; however, all housework is still left under their list of chores. Although some modern fathers intend to help with mothers’ chores at home, very few of them make significant contributions. This means Eastern women usually have two shifts.

It is not easy to have a job, work at home, keep a large family together, and provide quality mothering. Females have a really tough job in the feminine cultures.

Discipline / Chaos extremes

They say in order to understand how a country functions, you have to first examine its traffic patterns. Most Western countries obey traffic rules yet the lack of regulations and the difficulties we experience to obey the traffic rules in Eastern countries are very clearly observed. The West intends to operate based on rules yet the East intends to stretch the regulations, which sets the grounds for difference between the two hemispheres.

Therefore, a mother’s biggest challenge when trying to teach her children how to obey the rules in the East becomes either the other mothers who do not feel obligated to teach or obey the rules, or the mothers who feel entitled to stretch the rules. This cultural clash not only frustrates the families who choose to obey the rules but also weakens those mothers who have no control over their children.

Anglo-Saxon culture represents one end of the continuum that raise children as self-sufficient, decision-making individuals from early ages and the Far East represents the other end where children are raised with much harsher rules. There is a medley of behaviors aligned between the two ends. When these differences in parenting are considered, we can find many subjects to be puzzled about and contemplate. In Great Britain, some restaurants have signs on their doors saying, Do not enter with children! In Argentina, kids can go to bed at midnight. Babies are given coffee in Brazil and raw meat in Russia. Toddlers complete their potty training by their 18th month of age in China. In Polynesia, children play by themselves without adults’ intervention.²

There are general and temporary agreements on how healthy these parenting practices are. We call it The Science of Pedagogy. Our cultural traits however create a stronger impact on our parenting than science.

Views of adolescence

The biggest influence from my years between the East and West is how I view cultural differences with enthusiasm.

As a result of these differences, I witnessed my friends in Turkey and Belgium face different obstacles during our adolescent years.

Vanessa was telling me of her mother’s attempts to encourage her to move out on her own as if it was an understandable behavior for me. She was 18; therefore, as an adult, it was expected of her to be independent and contribute to the house. In the East, it is unthinkable to let an 18-year-old –especially girls– to move out to another house alone. Even if parents think of such a