Polish Joke: And Other Plays

By David Ives

A collection of four works from the American playwright known as “wizardly . . . magical and funny . . . a master of language” (The New York Times).
 
This collection brings together four full-length plays from the same dazzling pen that produced the one-act comic masterpieces of All in the Timing.
 
Polish Joke is about a young Polish-American’s trip through ethnic stereotypes. Nine-year-old Midwesterner Jan Bogdan Sadlowski, nicknamed Jasiu, is told by his uncle that Poles are thought to be “backward, stupid, inept, and gloomy.” The only way out is for Jasiu “to impersonate someone not Polish.”
 
In Don Juan in Chicago, a Renaissance innocent makes a deal with the devil, only to become a reluctant Latin lover.
 
Ancient History is a comedy-drama about the holy war that breaks out when two people from two very different cultures fall in love.
 
The Red Address paints a searing portrait of a man with a secret who is forced by tragedy into self-revelation.
 
Praise for David Ives
 
“A pitcher with a great many tricks up his sleeve. He throws like an all-star . . . mixing comedic moods and styles with a dizzying assortment of changeups.” —The New York Times
 
Polish Joke
 
“Ives skillfully climbs the slippery slope of political incorrectness without a single mean-spirited stumble.” —CurtainUp
 
Don Juan in Chicago
 
“Ives invents an irresistible premise and has fun making good on its promise.” —Los Angeles Times
 
Ancient History
 
“A riveting theatrical experience.” —Show Business
 
The Red Address
“Mix Glengarry Glen Ross with Glen or Glenda . . . A tough-talking drama that mixes business sharks, blackmail, cross-dressing and murder.” —Variety

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Dec 1, 2007
• ISBN: 9780802199201

Book preview

Polish Joke and Other Plays

Other works by David Ives

All in the Timing

Time Flies and Other Short Plays

Monsieur Eek

Polish Joke and Other Plays

DAVID IVES

Copyright © 2004 by David Ives

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Any members of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or publishers who would like to obtain permission to include the work in an anthology, should send their inquiries to Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003.

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Polish Joke, Don Juan in Chicago, Ancient History, and The Red Address are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, and all British Commonwealth countries, and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, the Pan-American Copyright Convention, and the Universal Copyright Convention. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

First-class professional, stock, and amateur applications for permission to perform them, and those other rights stated above, must be made in advance to Writers and Artists Group International, 19 West 44th Street, New York, NY 10036, ATTN: William Craver, and paying the requisite fee, whether the plays are presented for charity or gain and whether or not admission is charged.

Published simultaneously in Canada

Printed in the United States of America

FIRST EDITION

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ives, David.

Polish joke and other plays / David Ives.

p. cm.

Contents: Ancient history—Don Juan in Chicago—The red address—Polish joke.

eBook ISBN-13: 978-0-8021-9920-1

I. Title.

PS3559.V435P65 2004

812’.54—dc22

2003067686

Grove Press

841 Broadway

New York, NY 10003

CONTENTS

Preface

Polish Joke

Ancient History

Don Juan in Chicago

The Red Address

PREFACE

This collection brings together four full-length plays I’ve written over the last dozen years or so: two comedies and two not-so-comedies. The long-one-act version of Ancient History in this edition replaces a baggier, two-act version of the play. Casey Childs graciously produced both versions at Primary Stages within the span of just a few years. This new, two-act Don Juan in Chicago replaces a baggier three-act version which Casey also produced. The Red Address, in the favored tautology of literary managers everywhere these days, is what it is.

David Ives

August 2003

POLISH JOKE

This play is for Martha, of course

Polish Joke was first presented, at the Ojai Playwrights Conference (Christopher Fields, artistic director) in Ojai, California, in July 2000. The director was Jason McConnell Buzas. The cast was:

Polish Joke was produced at A Contemporary Theatre (Gordon Edelstein, artistic director) in Seattle in July 2001. The director was Jason McConnell Buzas; the scenic designer, Loy Arcenas; the costume designer, Rose Pederson; and the lighting designer, M. L. Geiger.

Polish Joke was produced in New York at the Manhattan Theatre Club (Lynne Meadow, artistic director) in March 2003. The director was John Rando; the scenic designer, Loy Arcenas; the costume designer, David C. Woolard; the lighting designer, Donald Holder; and the production stage manager, Heather Cousens. The cast was:

I would like to thank Jason McConnell Buzas, whose incomparable directorial insights contributed immensely to the creation of this play.

Note: For ease of reading, I have transliterated certain Polish names and words. Except where noted, the name Sadlowski is pronounced Sadlovski. This with apologies to all Poles and Polish speakers.

ACT I

SCENE ONE

A driveway. ROMAN SADLOWSKI is sitting in a lawn chair with a large, decorated, ceramic beer stein in his hand. WOJTEK (pronounced "VOY-tek") SADLOWSKI is deeply asleep in a matching lawn chair. JASIU (pronounced "YAH-shoo") is sitting on the ground reading a large black book on whose cover we can read the words BEING AND NOTHINGNESS. Jasiu is played by an adult actor, but at this point in the play he is nine years old.

ROMAN Yahshoo, today is the feast of Saint Olga. And you are now nine years old.

JASIU I been nine years old for a long time, Uncle Roman.

ROMAN You know what you’re gonna be after you’re nine, Jasiu?

JASIU I’m gonna be ten.

ROMAN You’re gonna be ten. (Addressing the heavens, lifting the beer stein) Now let the great ceremony begin!

JASIU Uncle Roman, how come you always crack an egg in your beer?

ROMAN I crack a fresh egg in my beer because I’m Polish, Jasiu.

JASIU Is that why you put salt in your beer?

ROMAN Yes, the salt is also Polish. You go all up and down these driveways, you know what the men in those lawn chairs are drinking?

JASIU Beer with eggs and salt?

ROMAN Beer with eggs and salt.

JASIU Does beer taste better with eggs and salt?

ROMAN Not really. Eggs and salt is just a part of the Polish heritage. Prob’ly the only Polish discovery besides radium and the sleeveless undershirt.

JASIU Is beer healthier with eggs and salt?

ROMAN There’s no rhyme nor reason to this, Jasiu. The tradition is just passed on, like a family curse. Which brings me to a question, now that you are all of nine years old. (A pause) Jasiu, do you ever feel like life is totally meaningless?

JASIU I do sometimes, Uncle Roman.

ROMAN Are you sometimes overwhelmed by a tragic feeling of hopelessness and despair?

JASIU I am sometimes.

ROMAN Some days do you get this profound feeling of utter, total futility?

JASIU How did you know that, Uncle Roman?

ROMAN Well, Jasiu, it’s complicated.

JASIU Wow …!

ROMAN So, off-tentimes I gather you feel defeated and discouraged, disappointed for no good reason?

JASIU Yeah! Lotsa days!

ROMAN Maybe you’re doing something personal in the bathroom and a thick black cloud of gloom overwhelms you?

JASIU That happened last Saturday night!

ROMAN And I bet, times like that it’s like the universe is empty of purpose. You know that it don’t matter what you try, nothin’ is ever gonna work out. You know that you’re inept. You’re a goof, you’re a clown, a patsy, a shmo. You know you’re gonna die and the great mystery of life will still be unsolved. You’ll be on your deathbed gasping out your last, you’ll still be looking through the glass darkly.

JASIU I sometimes feel just like that!

ROMAN And this happens maybe two, three times a week?

JASIU Why does that happen to me, Uncle Roman?

ROMAN It’s because you’re Polish.

JASIU Because I’m Polish?

ROMAN Yes.

JASIU Because I’m Polish?

ROMAN Yes. This feeling of meaninglessness and futility? We call this condition the Polish Gong.

JASIU The Polish Gong … (We hear a deep gong.)

ROMAN I take it you have heard the Gong?

JASIU I have heard the Gong! (We hear the gong again.) But I’m not just Polish. I’m an American, too.

ROMAN No. Basically, you’re Polish. You’re just, so to speak, in exile.

JASIU In exile. You mean like Thaddeus Kosciuszko?

ROMAN Like the great Tadeusz Kosciuszko. (Pronounced Tah-DAY-oosh Kawsh-CHOOSH-kaw) Who came over here and saved America in the Revolution, then went back to save Poland.

JASIU Did he save Poland?

ROMAN No. Nothing could save Poland.

WOJTEK (Waking up groggily in his chair) Okholera …!

(Pronounced Aw-khaw-LAY-RA, with a rolled r; means, more or less, Goddamn it …) What time is it?

ROMAN It don’t matter! It’s 1365 A.D.! Sleep, Wojtek! Sleep!

WOJTEK Okholera …!

Wojtek falls deeply asleep.

ROMAN Where were we?

JASIU I’m Polish.

ROMAN Jasiu, do you know what people call this neighborhood?

JASIU The Bush.

ROMAN The Bush. Here in the Bush we take pigs’ guts and garlic and raw pork and we grind our own sausages. Springtime, we hang these kielbasas in our living rooms to dry. We feast on pickled pigs’ feet, and tripe, and tongue, and calf’s brains.

JASIU Well, sure.

ROMAN Special occasions, we kill a duck and make duck blood soup with raisins and dumplings.

JASIU Sure we do.

ROMAN You’re aware, not everybody in America eats these things. Especially the duck blood soup.

JASIU I kinda wondered.

ROMAN Not even the cannibals in Borneo eat duck blood soup. And I bet you heard some Polack jokes in your day.

JASIU You tell Polack jokes all the time.

ROMAN You know the word Polack is a terrible insult. It’s a slap in the Polish face.

JASIU Dad says I’m not supposed to say Polack.

ROMAN Never, ever say Polack.

JASIU I won’t.

ROMAN So how many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

JASIU What’s a lightbulb.

ROMAN Correct. Didja hear about the Polack who locked his keys in the car?

JASIU No.

ROMAN Took him an hour to get his family out.

HELEN (O.S.) Roman!

ROMAN Yes, Helen!

HELEN (O.S.) Are you telling Polack jokes?

ROMAN My godson and me are philosophizing! How’s the kielbasa?

HELEN (O.S.) The kielbasa’s cooking! Shut up!

ROMAN Hey, Helen, c’mon out here, give your swatkeh a big kiss.

HELEN (O.S.) Stop talking dirty!

WOJTEK (Waking up groggily as before) Okholera …!

ROMAN And Jasiu, never say "okholera." You know what okholera means? It means cholera. It’s what your ancestors used to say in the fourteenth century to curse somebody.

JASIU It’s bad to say cholera?

ROMAN No, it’s bad to talk like the fourteenth century when you’re living in this one.

WOJTEK Okholera. What time is it?

ROMAN It don’t matter. Nothing’s changed. Sleep, Wojtek!

Spotch! Spotch! (Wojtek falls back asleep.) Where were we?

JASIU Polish jokes.

ROMAN Polish jokes. Jasiu, do you know who’s the idiot in Shakespeare’s Hamlet?

JASIU What’s Hamlet?

ROMAN Polonius is the idiot. In ancient Latin, Polonius is Polish for idiot. Shakespeare, the world’s greatest genius, stoops to a Polish joke.

JASIU Why?

ROMAN Well, do you know where the word Slav comes from?

JASIU From Slavic?

ROMAN No. It comes from slave. Because the Slavs were always the slaves.

JASIU Of who?

ROMAN Of whoever was collecting the taxes and kicking our doopa that week. The Russians, the Prussians, the Chinese …

JASIU The Chinese?!

ROMAN The Iroquois prob’ly kicked our doopa for a time.

Poland over the ages got sliced and diced so bad, in 1795

Poland disappeared.

JASIU Poland disappeared?

ROMAN It vanished for over a hundred years. Like Brigadoon, but without the music. What is this cycle, Jasiu?

Why are Polacks the punchline of Western Civilization?

MAGDA enters. She is wearing a bright red-and-white dress, white shoes, bright red tights, and a rhinestone tiara. Her name is pronounced MAHG-da, and she too is played by an adult actor.

MAGDA (Pronounced jin DAWB-rih; means good morning)

Dzień dobry, Jasiu!

JASIU Hi, Magda.

MAGDA Hiya, Mr. Sadlowski. (Pronounced YOK-sha MAHSH; means "how are you?") Jak się masz?

ROMAN How are you, Magda.

MAGDA I’m bardzo dobrze, thank you. (Pronounced BARD-zoe DAWB-zheh; means very well) You see what I’m dressed like today, Jasiu?

JASIU A Polish flag.

MAGDA A Polish flag. So you wanna play Polish army hospital?

ROMAN Magda, me and Jasiu are having a very important talk right now.

MAGDA On Sundays, Jasiu and me play Polish army hospital.

ROMAN That’s wonderful.

MAGDA In the garage.

ROMAN That’s wonderf—Wait a minute. Polish army hospital?

JASIU Yeah. Magda sorta breaks her footbone.

MAGDA Jasiu sorta fixes it. You see …

ROMAN This is wonderful, Magda, but me and Jasiu are talking right now.

MAGDA You know who I’m playing in the Saint Casimir Easter pageant, Mr. Sadlowski?

ROMAN A Polish flag?

MAGDA No, I’m playing the Virgin Mary the mother of God because I got straight A’s in conduct. This is the genuine rhinestone tiara I’m gonna wear.

ROMAN Isn’t that beauty-ful.

MAGDA You know who Jasiu’s playing in the Saint Casimir Easter pageant?

ROMAN The Polish flag?

MAGDA No, he’s playing Saint Mary Magdalene.

ROMAN Hold it, hold it. Ain’t Saint Mary Magdalene a girl’s part?

JASIU I was the only one who fit the wig.

MAGDA Jasiu dresses like a prostitute and dances the Beer Barrel Polka, then he goes to the Crucifixion and weeps.

ROMAN Magda. Magda. Listen Magda, I’m giving Jasiu some important advice here about being Polish. Good-bye.

MAGDA Don’t forget hospital, Jasiu. I think I broke my footbone, doctor. (Pronouced: DAW-veed ZEN-ya; means "see you later") Do widzenia!

Magda exits.

ROMAN Where the hell was I?

JASIU Polacks are punchlines.

ROMAN Yes. Jan Sadlowski, I’m gonna tell you something now that will guide your entire life. Alla the wisdom you ever need to know in just two words.

JASIU Okay.

ROMAN Are you ready?

JASIU I’m ready.

ROMAN All Polish jokes are true.

JASIU Polish jokes are true?

ROMAN Yes they are. You know Stanley Bloshchik.

JASIU Sure.

ROMAN You remember how Stasiu—(Pronounced STAH-shoo)—tried to build his own garage?

JASIU Sure.

ROMAN What happened to Stasiu’s garage?

JASIU It fell down.

ROMAN It fell down. What else?

JASIU With Stasiu inside it.

ROMAN With Stasiu inside it. Luckily, Stasiu was building it so bad it didn’t kill him when it fell. This is what they call the luck of the Polish. Which means, if the stupid bastard had built his garage right, he’d be dead today. Do you remember Florian Kozwoofski?

JASIU Sure.

ROMAN You remember how Florian died?

JASIU He got hit by a bus.

ROMAN No. Florian didn’t just get hit by a bus. Florian got hit by the bus he was running to catch.

JASIU Was that the luck of the Polish?

ROMAN Oh, yes. World War Two, the Polish army fought the German tanks on horseback.

JASIU Was that the luck of the Polish?

ROMAN It was certainly testing the luck of the Polish. You remember Stepan Veetkovski? Hanged himself in his basement and left a suicide note to explain why—and nobody could read it?

JASIU Yeah, well, everything gets spoiled. That’s what Mom always says when something happens. Everything gets spoiled.

ROMAN You know what’s the name of the Polish national airline?

JASIU Is this a Polish joke?

ROMAN No, I’m asking.

JASIU I don’t know.

ROMAN You’re Polish, you don’t know the name of the Polish airline?

JASIU I’m only nine years old.

ROMAN Well the name is Lot. What is a lot?

JASIU It means many.

ROMAN No, that’s a lot. I’m talking about your lot in life, your destiny, your fate. Do you think Lot is a smart name, do you think people wanna fly on an airplane called fate?

JASIU No.

ROMAN Now do you see my point?

JASIU No.

ROMAN Okay. Who lives in alla these houses up and down the block?

JASIU Well, that’s Chester and Rita Shishlayvitch, that’s Leonard and Yodviga Pshibillchik …

ROMAN Do you notice anything about these names?

JASIU They’re Polish?

ROMAN No. They’re unpronounceable. Jasiu, how is a person ever gonna understand life, when are you gonna think when you gotta spend twenty minutes a day spelling your goddamn name for people?

JASIU Sadlowski ain’t so bad.

ROMAN You apply for a job with the name Pshibillchik, the boss is gonna panic, he sends you home, he hires Flanagan. Flanagan prospers.

JASIU But our name is Sadlowski.

ROMAN You know Polish is the only world language in which k is a vowel? Is there a k in Flanagan?

JASIU I don’t think so.

ROMAN And what do all these unpronounceable guys do for a living?

JASIU They work in the steel mill.

ROMAN I work in the mill, your father works split shift in the mill—that’s why he’s in a coma here. What do you want to do when you grow up?

JASIU I thought I’d work in the mill.

ROMAN No.

JASIU Be a janitor?

ROMAN No.

JASIU Assistant janitor?

ROMAN No. No. No.

JASIU So what should I be?

ROMAN The question is, Jasiu: do you want to be Polish all your life?

JASIU Well, don’t I have to be Polish? Since I’m Polish already?

ROMAN Maybe being Polish is a choice. Or a habit. Or a style. Do I have to drink beer with an egg and salt? Am I helpless in the face of my ancestry, just because my parents came from Woodge?

WOJTEK (Mumbling in his sleep) Woodge …! Woodge…!

JASIU From what?

ROMAN From Woodge. That’s where the family’s from.

From the city of Woodge.

JASIU Woodge …

ROMAN Woodge—which is spelled L-O-D-Z.

JASIU That don’t make no sense.

ROMAN So you see my point.

JASIU No.

ROMAN Jasiu, you’re gonna find that various nationalities got different traits. Lithuanians, for example, are a loud people, maybe because their country is so small, while Latvians tend to be effeminate—except for the women. Like WASPs.

JASIU WASPs?

ROMAN WASPs is short for Episcopalians with money.

WASPs are not