How Not To Date… Vol 2

By Stephanie Burke

Nothing about dating is easy -- especially when aliens, humans, shifters, changelings, bears and cougars are involved. When did life get so complicated?

How Not to Date a Human: McCabe is stuck explaining to an unamused Spooky how an alien virus has intr

• Language: English
• Publisher: Changeling Press
• Release date: Jul 14, 2018

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How Not To Date… Vol. 2

Stephanie Burke

All rights reserved.

Copyright ©2018 Stephanie Burke

BIN: 08499-02746

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Publisher:

Changeling Press LLC

315 N. Centre St.

Martinsburg, WV 25404

www.ChangelingPress.com

Editor: Katriena Knights

Cover Artist: Bryan Keller

Adult Sexual Content

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Table of Contents

How Not To Date… Vol. 2

How Not to Date a Human

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

How Not to Date a Centaur

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

How Not to Date a Changeling

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Epilogue

How Not to Date a Bear, Too! (1 & 2)

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Stephanie Burke

How Not To Date… Vol. 2

Stephanie Burke

Nothing about dating is easy -- especially when aliens, humans, shifters, changelings, bears and cougars are involved. When did life get so complicated?

How Not to Date a Human: McCabe is stuck explaining to an unamused Spooky how an alien virus has introduced her to the world of shifters. Matters of the heart are a tricky thing, especially when you decide to date a human.

How Not to Date a Centaur: Good girl Kiara Stone only wanted to have a little fun for once in her life, and parachuting over Cambodia seemed like a thrill. But crash landing through a mountain and landing in the land of the centaurs was almost too much.

How Not to Date a Changeling: Cordelia is a writer -- and a changeling -- and doesn’t have time for foolish mortals. But when Taylor tries to win her trust with chocolate and baked goods, she can’t resist the tall Marine with the bad limp.

How Not to Date a Bear, Too! Part 1 and Part 2: Richard Bear, Royal Canadian Mountie, never expected to find true love in a bar. But he’s pretty sure Theo is just that. Everything feels just right between them -- until a cougar shifter insists Theo isn’t Richard’s true mate, but belongs to her, instead. Things can get a little hairy when you date a bear -- and even hairier when a cougar wants him, too.

How Not to Date a Human

Stephanie Burke

Love is the strangest infection of all, especially when you decide to date a human.

Oh why, oh why did the condom break? Now McCabe is stuck explaining to an unamused Spooky how an alien virus has introduced her to the world of shifters. But everything should be fine so long as she avoids her lovelorn boss and takes her new situation and the shifter support group seriously. Matters of the heart are a tricky thing, especially when you decide to date a human.

Chapter One

Oh, God, yes. McCabe could barely hold in the moans that were rolling from his throat. And really, why would he want to? His lover’s mouth was wet and hot on his cock despite the latex barrier that separated him from the real pleasure. But it was worth it to keep her safe.

Her fingers ran up his spread thighs, her nails scratching lightly at the sensitive flesh as his head rolled from side to side on the scattered pillows.

Fuck, baby, he gasped as her fingers trailed high enough to cup his balls, tugging gently at the rolling orbs within his sac. Gonna make me come.

Spooky, of course, was too polite to speak with her mouth full or too busy showcasing her oral expertise, but he really didn’t care which. She was going to make the top of his head explode.

He licked his lips, still tasting the spicy flavor of her, recalling how she rode his face, fucked his tongue as he held her over him. He closed his eyes and shuddered. The memory of her thighs on either side of his head, squeezing as her hands fisted in his long hair, was enough to bring him closer to his inevitable climax.

He thought of the ring still sitting in his pants’ pocket and almost cackled in glee. His plan was working, just not in the order he’d devised.

First, he was supposed to delight her with his culinary skills, which shocked most people. After all, who ever thought that a construction worker/show magician would do anything more than lift weights and practice sleight of hand? But he could cook, and the four-course meal he had produced more than proved it.

The next thing was confession. He had a doozy of a secret, bound to make any normal woman run screaming from the room. But his Spooky wasn’t normal -- well, not average, at any rate.

Spooky Love was the best thing that ever happened to him. He met her when he and his crew were hired to design office space at a scientific lab called Deci Corp a little more than two years ago. His boss, knowing he held a master’s degree in engineering, felt he could bridge the gap between the layman and the academic elite when it came to explaining the cans and cannots of their plan. At one of these meetings he met Ms. Spooky Love, who had three master’s degrees and a disdain for anything or anyone not giving their all.

She had taken one look at his written proposal and wondered aloud why he wasn’t publishing. Publish or die, she reminded him, and he found himself telling her of his academic burnout.

At your age? She sounded skeptical.

I got my bachelor’s when I was thirteen, and then it was non-stop school, pressure from my peers when I was better than them, pressure from the schools who used me like a poster child for their training techniques, and finally not being credited for my theories because my academic advisor felt I was too young to understand what my name going on a study could mean. I found myself standing on the roof of the science building with the intent to take a long walk when I was almost beaned with a brick. I mean, not a small ornamental one, but a huge frigging foundation type brick. Then I noticed how ill put together the building actually was. So I came down off the ledge, put in a safety complaint with the powers that be, and walked off campus. I was twenty-two when I discovered that I felt a lot better about using my intelligence if I could make it so no buildings would collapse on people, and that was that. I never looked back.

Spooky thought his story was interesting enough to learn more over lunch, and then dinner, and then breakfast.

He’d thought she would complete her intellectual slumming and then move on, leaving him a little colder but grateful for the opportunity to get up close and personal with her, but within a month, shared breakfast was a common occurrence.

That she moved in with him was a miracle, and that she stayed was a blessing he never discounted.

So, almost a year later, he knew Spooky was the one woman he would spend the rest of his life loving.

And that was step three of his plan. But that kind of got sidetracked when he presented her favorite dessert. She made such erotic noises consuming the crème brûlée that he had to take advantage.

She was no more than three spoons in by the time he had her panties tossed across the room and was between her legs, eating at her shaved pussy, sucking on her clit and drinking down her juices as she came spectacularly, riding his face on the dining room floor.

The condoms were in the bedroom so he slung her over his shoulder and tossed her to the bed, ready to wrap it and fuck her senseless, when she changed the rules. She grabbed the flavored condoms and began to devour him, trying to draw his soul out through his cock.

And now, as his balls drew up under her encouraging hand, as her finger between his spread cheeks traced over his hole, he knew he would drop down on his knees and beg her to marry him, even if he weren’t so damn in love with her.

Spooks, he panted, his chest heaving as he tightened a hand in her hair. God, Spooks, baby! Gonna come -- gonna come, baby!

She increased her suction, her dark hair clinging to her forehead, and looked up at him, her golden-brown eyes glowing with pleasure.

Yeah, she had control of him, and she knew it.

She groaned as she shoved a finger in his ass, striking his prostate as she swallowed him down balls deep.

He was lost. He threw back his head and gave in to the urge to thrust deep and let go. He cried out as his hips thrust forward, his muscles tightened, and his nerves began a pleasurable burn.

He groaned as his cock spasmed, shooting his seed into the tight condom, the only sounds in the room his rough panting and her steady swallowing --

Swallowing? Fuck, no! The condom broke!

Spooky! he gasped, his post-orgasmic lethargy leaving him as he sat up and stared down at his lover.

What? she purred, looking like the cat that had run down, caught, and then ate the damn canary.

The condom --

Not bad, Masterson. She chuckled, licking her lips. Kind of like strawberries with a hint of lemon and a sweet aftertaste. Is this what you’ve been depriving me of all this past year? Now that I got it straight from the source, I’m going to want to do this again and again.

Then all hell broke loose.

* * *

I don’t know what’s so dangerous, McCabe, Spooky grumbled. Talk about being taken from the heights of ecstasy to the basement of stupidity. You’re clean, I’m clean, I saw the doctor’s report. I know you have some germ phobia --

I do not have a phobia, McCabe argued as he continued to drag her down a dark alley. It was the middle of the night, and she was still horny. The taste of his semen -- she licked her lips as she thought of the light, strawberry fizz of his jizz and the delicious, vanilla-bean finish. She wanted more, and as soon as they were through with this latest bout of madness…

And stop doing that.

What? She looked up at his glittering green eyes and fought the urge to smirk. McCabe was one fine specimen of manhood, and she all but owned his ass. From the top of his silky black hair that fell in waves to below his well-formed shoulders, to the toenails that he strangely kept manicured black, McCabe was the hottest thing she had ever seen. Add to that the well maintained muscular form, the soft bass voice, and the fact he thought that she was perfect, she could overlook a little rupophobia.

Stop licking your lips like -- like --

Like I just tasted something that I’m going to get more of as soon as I get you laid out flat?

He whimpered. She arched an eyebrow and giggled when he blushed. Honestly, McCabe. Most men would flip out over the fact that their lovers wanted to suck them until their balls caved in.

Spooky! His embarrassed wail coupled with his unusual blush were her first clues that something wasn’t quite right. She was never this vulgar outside the bedroom. And come to think of it, she was feeling unusually hot. Usually she was chilly at night, even in the middle of a steamy summer in Baltimore.

Okay, we have to hurry. His concerned voice cut into her introspection and again he gripped her by the hand, all but galloping her toward a light at the end of the odd little causeway in the heart of the city.

McCabe, she protested. They stopped in front of a steel door with one of those sliding windows where someone was always demanding password in movies before they were let into an underground club or something.

She opened her mouth to question him once more when he raised a fist and slammed it into the metal door three times. The view window slid back silently, and a pair of golden eyes peered out.

Spooky jumped back, her hands going to her chest as if to hold her suddenly racing heart in her chest. McCabe? she asked as the eyes peered closely at her.

The golden set of eyes widened briefly before a soft voice called out, Masterson? Is that you?

Kara. He stepped up to Spooky’s side, looking grim as he nodded.

Masterson, no. The woman behind the door sounded shocked, her eyes going wide a second before the door slammed open.

Spooky felt McCabe’s broad hand at her back urging her through the strange door and into God-knows-what. She looked up into his face and noted that, though his green eyes looked clouded over in sadness, there was no fear.

What have you gotten me into? she asked, narrowing her eyes.

Hurry up, the voice urged. Don’t stand there all night looking stupid.

Stupid? Spooky stepped forward into the gloom of the place. She stepped up to the woman, Kara, and glared.

Don’t look at me like that, fresh meat. Kara snorted. I’m not the one who fucked you into this predicament.

Spooky’s mouth dropped open as she stared at the small blonde chick standing before her. Just who did she think she was?

Excuse me? Her voice rose with her temper.

You would do better to excuse him.

The female was too short for such a huge attitude. She barely came up to Spooky’s nipples. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a rough ponytail, her pale skin was tanned deeply, and those odd, golden eyes peered up at her, looking amused by her ire.

Before she could say anything else, McCabe again pressed his hand to her lower back. Kara, he explained. She doesn’t know.

Well, fuck. Kara shook her head as she gestured them forward. Why didn’t you say so, Masterson? She looked over at Spooky, examining her before shaking her head slowly. Welcome to the club.

Club? Spooky asked, flabbergasted by the sudden change in her tone, the growing pity there.

"Yeah, the What have I fucked myself into club."

Spooky looked around the dark vestibule and shuddered. She looked up at her lover, her eyes narrowing as the pieces started to fall together. What did you give me, McCabe? she asked, before her eyes went wide in fear. Please tell me it’s not AIDS --

No, McCabe denied harshly. You saw my blood tests, Spooky. We got them done at the same time. You saw my results.

Spooky? Kara interrupted. Nice name for what you got now.

So not helping, Kara, McCabe snapped, and Spooky moved a little closer to him. No, babe, McCabe attempted to explain again. It’s not deadly --

What did you give me? Spooky growled, jerking away from her lover, ignoring the hurt that flashed across his face.

I was trying to tell you tonight --

What is it, Masterson? She reached up and fisted the front of his shirt, jerking him down to her eye level. Fear was an emotion she was beginning to feel in great quantities. Panic was starting to creep up in there too. So help me God --

Well, as amusing as this is, Kara interjected, shooting McCabe an apologetic look, we need to get inside. She stepped forward into the dank darkness of the room, and Spooky heard another door slide open.

She followed at McCabe’s urging and stepped through the darkness and dank -- into air-conditioned comfort.

Spooky blinked as she stared at the brightly lit office space, so different from the small area they had previously occupied. It was like something out of a James Bond movie, she thought, looking at the bright yellow file cabinets and the buzzing banks of computers.

McCabe urged her forward again, and they both stopped at a huge glass receptionist’s desk where brightly colored orchids grew.

Number, please?

Spooky jerked her attention away from the furniture and took a look at the lady behind the desk. She was -- there was something very odd about her. She had glowing amber eyes and… Amber eyes?

Well? she asked, tucking an errant strand of hair into a tightly placed bun. You do have a number?

Um --

Seven twenty-three alpha seven, McCabe responded softly. Emergency protocol --

What the fuck is going on? Spooky snapped, running her hands up and down arms that were crossed defensively. Somebody had better tell me something pronto or it’s going to get really ugly in here. She glared at her boyfriend -- soon to be ex-boyfriend.

She’s new? the lady asked, tsking as she began to gather forms.

Moments ago. McCabe sighed, reaching out for Spooky with shaking hands.

You should use protection --

It broke, he cut in. And I didn’t know until -- He blushed. Until it was too late.

Oh, dear, the woman tutted again. And that was a fresh batch. Best I put out a warning to the manufacturer and a recall order.

What is going on? Somebody tell me something! Spooky demanded. I’m about to get violent up in here! And finally they both turned to look at her.

I was trying to tell you earlier, McCabe began, but we kind of got distracted --

Tell me what? You don’t have any STI’s, McCabe. You are right. We got those checked at the same time. Now please… She felt her eyes filling with tears. What is happening to me?

I’m so sorry. He bowed his head in shame. I was trying to find a way to tell you and to protect you. But -- I have --

You are scaring her worse, the woman interjected kindly. Just spit it out, love.

Am I going to die? Spooky asked, her heart trying to escape her chest up her throat. With effort, she swallowed it back down and tried to contain her suddenly shaking body.

I have SR-7.

House cleaner? Puzzlement took control.

That’s DDR, he corrected softly, reaching out and taking both her hands in his. What I have is more serious, and I believe I just passed it on to you.

Wait. She pulled one hand from his and waved it in front of her. I’m a research scientist. I have never heard of SR-7.

It’s -- it’s the shape-shifting disease.

Oh, my God, she gasped. The -- Wait, what?

Shape shifting --

That’s what I thought you said. She frowned, her anxiety fleeing like her sanity as she glared at McCabe and the strange lady. Really?

Really. The woman offered her a booklet.

"So You Have Been Infected with Shifting? She read off the title and then turned a disbelieving gaze onto McCabe and the woman. Okay. I’m outta here."

She turned to go, but suddenly the woman was standing in front of her. But you can’t.

Spooky blinked to clear her eyes because it was as if the woman had teleported right in front of her. No one could move that fast. Can’t? she asked, anger building.

Not yet. You need a number, the woman insisted.

I get pulled out of bed after the most amazing oral experience in my life for this crap? She spun around and slammed her fist against McCabe’s chest. If you wanted to break up with me --

Never, he promised, gripping her fist with both hands, lifting it to his mouth and pressing soft kisses against her knuckles. I love you, Spooky. I never want to be without you. That is what this evening was about.

He’s really not lying, the woman interjected and Spooky glared at her.

And you’re in on this elaborate hoax with him -- She broke off as the woman let her hair down… only there was no hair. Several antenna-like appendages sprang out of the bun and began to wave wildly around her head.

Spooky turned to look up at McCabe and almost screamed as he waved -- waved a third hand at her.

In fact, her knees went a little weak and she suddenly found it very difficult to speak.

This is what I wanted to tell you. He sighed and, as she watched, his third hand seemed to sink into his back. This is what I felt you had the right to know.

You’re an alien? she asked, and then turned to look at the woman. You are all aliens?

I’m Zordanovis. The woman offered a smile as she pulled the antennae on top of her head back into their bun. He’s merely human -- infected, but human nevertheless.

I need to sit down, Spooky gasped, and she was lifted into McCabe’s arms, cradled against his chest.

At least she’s not vomiting, the alien offered as she smiled at McCabe. Less cleanup that way.

The world began to spin and Spooky happily went along for the ride.

Chapter Two

She didn’t exactly pass out, but it was a near thing.

When she next became aware of her surroundings, Spooky was sitting in a huge executive chair, and McCabe was patting her on the wrists like she was a regency heroine. People around her were speaking, but she found it hard to make out their words.

But it was McCabe’s chafing that pulled her fully back into the real world -- the real world where her boyfriend hadn’t grown an extra arm and the secretary in this freaky clinic wasn’t an alien.

Except, she thought, looking around her, maybe this was the real world.

She’s awake, McCabe offered to the room and there were many pleased murmurs. Spooky?

I didn’t pass out, did I? she asked, looking at McCabe and only McCabe. He was the one thing she knew and trusted.

Just went catatonic, babe. He grinned with those perfect lips and she just wanted… wanted to smack that smile off his face.

What did you do? She could feel the confusion melt away and anger take its place. McCabe, start talking.

McCabe gulped, running his hands through his tangled hair. The condom broke.

I know. I was there.

Well, I kind of gave you my alien infection.

You have an alien infection. He nodded, looking miserably at her. And I’m just finding out about this now?

I was going to tell you. But then there was the wild sex thing, and the condom thing, and I had to bring you to the clinic.

So this is a clinic. She looked around again and made note of the ring of people watching them.

In addition to the short blonde who had opened the door, there was a nervous looking man with watery blue eyes and brown hair, a vivacious looking Latina woman with shiny black hair and dusky, rose-tinted skin, an excitable looking young man with gray eyes and brown hair, and a spiteful looking blonde teen with blue eyes who looked like the ideal cheerleader from a teen heartthrob movie. The alien secretary was nowhere in sight.

Yeah. He rose to his feet. Clinic and my shifter support group.

Support group? She was beginning to feel like a parrot, but all she could do was repeat his words while her mind tried to assimilate everything that was going on.

For this region, we are the only shifters. This is a satellite clinic set up by the Zordanovis, the aliens who help us cope with the changes.

So the secretary really was an alien, and you really grew a third arm?

Yeah. McCabe began to pace. I wanted to tell you tonight that I had -- um --

That he was infected by the alien equivalent of an STI.

Kara! McCabe protested, spinning around and glaring at her, but the short blonde went right on talking.

You are just pissing her off. She pointed to Spooky, who indeed was feeling anger flow through her once more -- a quiet, murdering type of anger. It was seething within her, and it looked like it was targeting McCabe. And I’m not going to clean up blood after she snaps and goes on a rampage.

Alien STI, McCabe? Infected, McCabe? You had better start talking, or your balls will be forfeit. Spooky was raging; it took everything within her not to leap across the room and kill him.

Spooky, McCabe tried again, walking over to face her once more. Oh, hell. His frustration was easy to read. This isn’t how I wanted to tell you, but when I was about seventeen, I made the acquaintance of an older woman.

And? Spooky ground out, her eyes narrowing as he spoke.

Well, I thought I was in love. She was older and beautiful, so worldly and experienced. And she wanted me, little old awkward me, Spooky. I kind of fell in love with her and would have done anything she asked. And when she made love to me, I thought the world had died and been remade in her image. Then she told me she had infected me.

Spooky blinked at that. That bitch, she muttered, some of her anger melting away as she pictured her confident and in-control McCabe as a frightened teenager.

Yeah. McCabe gave her that goofy grin that she had come to love and she relaxed a bit more. Amazingly enough, she still trusted the man. Now that probably made her the perfect lead heroine for an Oxygen movie of the week, but it was true. And she dropped me off here and booked. The Zordanovis in charge at the time explained things to me and explained how my life was changing.

And what happened to her?

Extermination, most likely, Kara tossed in, rolling her eyes at them. Kind of like the bastard who infected me.

So I’m infected with a shifter virus, Spooky interjected, not wanting to get into Kara’s personal life. It was all about her for the moment, and she was going to find out everything she could. Her scientific mind was already reeling with facts she could not deny. She just needed to gather more data before she reacted.

SR-7, McCabe answered her unspoken question. The ability to shift your body into many human forms.

So she sexed you and infected you with the ability to -- what? Grow extra body parts? -- and ran?

That’s about the gist of it. McCabe knelt beside her chair, and she allowed him to take her hand. I have been trying to lead a normal life and adapt to the changes my body goes through and keep this all a secret.

Your parents?

Don’t know. And if I let it slip, I’ll be given the cull treatment.

And I assume the cull treatment isn’t pleasant?

It is the systematic extermination of me and my close family and friends -- basically anyone who might know about this and who would question my disappearance.

Spooky blinked and stared at him. That was some heavy stuff, a Damocles’ sword to have hanging over your head.

Why -- I mean, you were a victim! Anger at him was turning to anger toward the woman and the aliens. And how did she get infected with an alien disease anyway?

A long time ago, a new voice interjected, and Spooky jumped as the secretary from before presented herself in all her tightly coifed, antenna-haired glory, my people were transporting a medical ship filled with infected criminals. The poor bastards had gotten into some kind of asteroid field that damaged their ship and flooded them with particles of an unknown virus. It allowed their bodies to shift and change in ways that were helpful in their criminal pursuits. We found them and, with great difficulty, captured them. But Providence would have it that our guardian ships malfunctioned, and we crash landed here on Earth when your people were first experimenting with fire and the wheel. The prisoners escaped and blended in with your people. The guardians searched and could not find them, so well had the criminal elements blended. So we set up hidden bases here and began the nearly impossible task of tracking them down. After a time we began to hear reports of special beings your people revered as gods and searched those areas. We discovered that the criminals had begun copulating with the humans and reproducing in some cases. It was discovered that the contaminant had become part of their DNA, for lack of a better term, and could only be contracted through sexual intercourse, in most cases. So where they would abuse humanity, we stop them. In the case of their offspring, we try to gather and inform them of the infection they carry, infections that seem to pass easiest through sexual activity, and contain the spread. We offer support groups for those newly infected or born with the disease, and counseling where needed. And if someone willfully goes about infecting, we handle the problem.

So let me get this straight in my head. Spooky looked between McCabe and the alien. Your people let a group of criminals crash on Earth, rape and pillage, set themselves up as gods, and our government has no idea this is going on?

As unsavory as that sounds -- The alien nodded, one antenna breaking free and waggling a moment before she stuffed it back into its bun. "-- that is