The Remedy Files: Illusion: The Remedy Files, #1

By Lauren Eckhardt

Would you sacrifice your life to feel?

For eighteen years, Evangeline has been raised without physical or emotional feelings. All decisions are made by Impetus, the only remaining community in a barren and destroyed world, that has repopulated humankind with their strict system.

But her life isn't as it appears.

A forbidden friendship with a boy surviving on the outskirts of Impetus teaches Evangeline a dangerous choice she didn't think she had. When Evangeline defies Impetus's plans for her future on her eighteen birthday, she awakens from a dark punishment to a divided world, power clashes, and senseless murders masked by lies of goodwill. With her life and the lives of those she loves on the line, Evangeline must discern the truth from the illusion while fighting the injustices forced on humankind.

Is life worth living if you live without feelings?




Readers Reviews

"I found this book to be very well written, with great character development, excellent world building, very atmospheric, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn't want it to end, but couldn't stop reading because I had to find out what happened next. Thankfully there is another installment, I can't wait!" - Carolyn, Goodreads
"The book is reminiscent of other dystopian novels, such as The Giver, the Matched trilogy, and Delirium, but only in very small sections, and I soon realized that this was a book all of its own." - Jessica, Goodreads

"An interesting take on YA Dystopian fiction, Eckhardt manages to wrap the naivete of the world up in a neat little socialised bow. Whilst creating the characters for this novel, you can see that great care was taken to personify these people, and highlighted the way people can be brainwashed to believe their flaws are better for the many." -Lauren, Goodreads

"If you're looking for a really great dystopian novel that has excellent writing, complex characters, cute romances, twists and edge of your seat moments... this is the book for you. I cannot wait to read the next one in this series!" - Elizabeth, Goodreads

 

"I would recommend this novel to anyone who enjoys dystopias. If that's a genre you like to read, this novel is one to add to your list." - Courtney, Goodreads


The Remedy Files Trilogy

Book #1: Illusion
Book #2: Rebirth
Book #3: Divided

• Language: English
• Publisher: Burning Soul Press
• Release date: Apr 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781950476060

Book preview

1

Iknow the truth. I know the truth. I know the truth. And this isn’t it. These words repeat in my mind as I stare at the ceiling and wait for the click of the door. In The Before, they would have called this intuition. But intuition can’t exist without feelings, and feelings were wiped out in The Before like most pointless things. One may believe these incessant thoughts are signs of the mind breaking. Early Respite, the Doctor would mutter while shining a light in my eyes to search for signs that don’t exist.

But I know the truth…

Except the truth is still too murky to figure out.

For the past several years, my dreams or nightmares or both— sometimes they're hard to distinguish—have become worse. More frequent, more intense. Each dream leads me closer to discovering the truth. I’m almost there. Maybe someone else could help me understand what I’m being led to, if only I could share that I have them. We’re not supposed to dream though. Dreaming brings the onset of emotions. I’ve felt the underlying currents, briefly and vaguely in the short passage when one Remedy dosage ends and the other begins. Before the Remedy erases the memory of it all- the dreams and the feelings, as though sucking them out of my nerve endings and smoothing the path so there is no trace of existence. But when I don't dream, I don't sleep. I’m not sure which one is worse.

Mornings like today when I don't sleep through the night, as soon as the door unlocks at six o’clock, I’m sprinting through cave-like halls of Propers C to get to the main entrance of the Levels 14-17 Home. I run on my tiptoes to prevent the echoes of my heavy footsteps from reverberating down the hallways. The mandatory Sleeping Hours are over. A person can choose an extra hour of sleep before the alarms ring or to get up. Most choose sleep. There’s not much to miss in a life that’s predictable. But an extra hour of sleep doesn’t help someone whose mind never shuts down.

Impetus prefers to keep us busy, ensuring we’re continually learning and providing for the future. We’re encouraged never to be alone. Partners, partners, partners; groups, groups, groups. Impetus says it’s all for our safety. But Gavin says it’s designed to exhaust us by the end of the night so we don’t wander in our minds or bodies. They continually strive for groupthink, he alleged while shredding grass blades with his fingers. I didn’t admit that I didn’t know what he meant. Not at first. But I finally found the term in one of my stolen books, Byer’s Guide to Effective Management. At first, I assumed it was a boring book and almost snuck it back to the digging grounds for someone else to find- until Gavin made me pay attention to that term. Groupthink. It made sense. Impetus wants us to all think alike. We’re supposed to have the same beliefs. We aren’t supposed to question what we’re told. Groupthink. He was on to something.

I burst through the double doors into the morning air, the squeak of the hinges announcing my limited moment of freedom to Impetus. The sun slowly rises, producing an incandescent mixture of the sun’s rays and the light from the Lightstones that welcome me into the freshness of a new day. This is my favorite time of the morning, when the community appears untouched with no one around. There’s a glow of innocence that settles on it making it look somewhat beautiful, as though this would be a place people would choose to live, if there were ever such a choice.

But there’s not. No choice, no other communities—or at least that’s what we’re led to believe. This is simply what we get: Impetus. And it’s okay, I suppose—especially during times like this when the enchantment of the morning air reflects the serenity of the land in its purest form. In these moments, there are no thoughts about the future or how things will be, or could be, for that matter, if the truth was set free.

The trouble is, I’m aware of the lies. Gavin wouldn’t exist if there weren’t another community, a reality unknown to many around me. Ever since I met him, that’s when the dreams all began. The truths haven’t stopped spiraling since.

My black military boots kick dirt into the air on Road C. The brown speckles serenely dance before drifting in a unanimous cluster, each one lost without the others. These boots could walk to the digging grounds on their own; they’re well-versed in the path. The spot regularly calls to me, like it has a personal line connected to my soul. It’s my sacred zone in Impetus.

The Lightstones are blinding with their solar rays as glares ricochet off the erected Remedy Advertisement in the middle of the road, making it impossible to read. I don’t have to see it though. I know by memory what it says from reading it time after time: Remember: Three meals, three drinks and three Remedy doses a day keeps your life healthy and in play. One advertisement box sits in the middle of each road, each one displaying something different, but the message is consistent and clear: Remedy, water, and food are essential for surviving each day. That, and listening to exactly what Impetus tells us.

The grass buffers the thud of my clunky steps as I cross to the other side of the road. I run my hand along the maintenance and storage buildings, tapping a random song on them as I move. Gavin hums a lot when I’m around him, and sometimes those tunes will stick in my head long after my visits with him end. It’s nice being able to make my own song, inspired by the morning peacefulness, although I wonder how much of it has been influenced by Gavin’s creations.

Gavin once revealed that he’s sure he would have been a musician if he was born in The Before. I hear music in my mind all the time, and I can make up the lyrics as though the song already exists. It was a rare moment of Gavin sharing more of who he is with me. Maybe a guitarist.

But you wouldn’t be able to feel the instrument, I reminded him and immediately regretted it. I didn’t need to state the obvious.

Yeah, he resigned, which abruptly ended the conversation. He never brought the topic up again.

Sometimes it’s best to not say anything at all with him. But I foolishly let down my guard with Gavin all the time. Sometimes he encourages it; unless his guard is challenged too. I know him more than he realizes, and I see the signs seconds before it happens. His broad shoulders hunch together, he bites his inner cheek and squints his unusual denim eyes—usually directed to something on the ground—like he can’t quite discern what it is. Stop pretending to be so mysterious! I’ve repeated time and again. Sometimes I threaten never to come back unless he reveals more. But I always return.

The luscious green grass ends as the Digging Grounds emerge. Small holes and piles of dirt highlight successful finds from previous Level Digs, the ground much deeper from the progress over the years. I wonder if they’ll eventually turn this into a pond. It seems pointless to fill it back up with dirt after all the items have been retrieved. A small body of water, even if manmade, would be a welcomed touch to disrupt the systematized scheme of Impetus. The pond is my favorite attraction in the area that Gavin and I have our secret meetings at. It recognizes the unique beauty of the forest that surrounds it, reflecting the traits back, doubling the size and grandeur of it all. Anything that makes Impetus seem bigger than it is would aid my forced acceptance of this small piece of the world every day for the rest of my life.

But I know the truth…

I glide my foot back and forth across the dirt, smoothing out an area to turn it into a temporary bed. Once the soil is level, I lie down, stretching my legs as far as they can go.

If only I could sleep out here. I bet the sky could lull me into a peaceful sleep for once. White clouds swirl about, chasing each other in an endless game that extends across time. They change shape as they dance with one another, granting the privilege of watching their intimate art. Then one by one, they disappear behind the outline of the thickets that stretch high over the community of Impetus. Our shield.

The sky is infinite. That’s how Gavin once described it. It bears witness to things we wouldn’t be able to imagine.

So there could be more, right? More than your community, more than the food community, more than mine? I had just finished my Level 13 celebration and was owning my wisdom. Fragments of our conversations throughout the years finally made more sense. Furrowing my brows, I connected imaginary pieces of a mental jigsaw puzzle, one without its box showing the entire picture for guidance.

Gavin didn’t answer. Avoidance is a great talent of his. I dropped to the ground to sit eye-to-eye with him, forcing him to stop digging for once and look straight at me.

He finally shrugged and said, There’s no telling what’s left after all the wars. Many say it’s too risky to find out. Leftover destruction, skeletal remains, disease risks wherever you step. You know. You’ve heard it all. He stood up and dusted his hands on his pants.

"But you walk around it and through it. I’m asking you. Not them. You. Does this mean you’re diseased?"

We’re all a little diseased in some way. Glancing up at the sky, he mumbled, Probably time to head back. And just like that, the conversation was over.

The Before is more of a mystery than Gavin, regardless of all the history lessons I’ve sat through. I touch the dirt, envisioning the explosions that crackled across the sky like lightning as bombs dropped on one naïve community after another. The vast majority of people were unaware their lives were about to end; but there were others who knew it was coming, yet chose not to warn anyone else. If I were alive during The Before and privy to that information, I would have told everyone I knew what was coming. If my life was already doomed, I don’t understand the point of preserving that secret. Although I suppose telling others would be pointless as well if most of the population would be destroyed, regardless. Maybe being naïve wouldn’t have been terrible in those final moments; perhaps it was a shield of armor like naiveté is now.

Moving my hand along the dirt, I make lines creating a complex map for someone else to follow. Supposedly, there are miles and miles under my body full of objects from The Before. We treat those items as a special find—and they are—although I treasure certain ones more than others. But ultimately they’re all dead. Everything from The Before is a dead artifact representing a fallen world that no longer exists. Ms. Kay would never stand for that kind of language. Those are our people! I can hear her shouting through the wind.

The remains of the people from The Before were scattered in the surrounding forest. Reducing the risk of disease partially is why we’re confined to the shrubbery walls of Impetus. Likewise, the sight of the diseased is supposed to deter any potential threats of external survivors, the supposedly unknown existence outside of the Impetus founders who restarted our civilization. But it never seems to bother Gavin.

Sometimes it’s difficult to believe we are of the same species. The stories paint people of The Before as atrocious savages. They were more concerned with the items under the dirt than they were about each other. In the end, the items survived, and they didn’t. That’s what it comes down to. No matter how many times we read or hear the stories, it never makes sense why they chose the things they did. Life was once utterly different here, yet the sky and dirt have seen it all and remain unchanged.

It’s in these moments I understand Impetus the most. Although Gavin has revealed new facts that Impetus tries to hide, they are ultimately protecting us. They want to keep us safe. The founders of Impetus recognized their mission was to provide a better future for mankind and to prevent repeated mistakes of the past. Like the resilient sky, they know better than anyone else because they saw it all… They were a witness to the destruction when there was nothing left in the world, except a few remaining lives that agreed on a pact to survive and not murder each other, creating a brand new society.

We continue to depend on the Impetus founders for all decision-making. They have a proven track record, successful in creating a nice community that operates smoothly. Our population is growing, we have everything we need, and there are good people around us who want the best for Impetus and our future. Life is safe.

But there’s more. As I try to piece together the truth that haunts my mind, that’s the only clear portion so far: there’s more than just Impetus. The Elders know this. They keep us separated though. They want us to believe Impetus is all there is. And I want to know why. I once believed Gavin would lead me to the truth. But sometimes I’m not so sure he isn’t lying to me like Impetus, so why should I trust one over the other?

Sitting up, I survey this questionable environment I’m supposed to call home. Dewdrops form on the greenery in the garden from the morning air. The glistening plants sway, large leaves cupped like pageant queen hands waving, working hard to convince me that our life here is indeed virtuous. They’re decorative reminders of The Before, life that once existed in abundance before all was destroyed, but they are far from the existence that used to be in their place.

A lone rock emerges a few inches from my leg, keeping me company in the stillness. It looks acutely minuscule in such a large dirt mound, and I wonder if that’s how I look from the sky as I sit on the ground. I’m a petite dot, a tiny part of today’s existence. I blend in daily but yet stand out enough to be vital to the future of Impetus. Maybe. Soon, my future will be declared, and they will give a new purpose for how the rest of my life is to be spent. A light breeze carries Mr. Pancioletta’s voice to my ears, So, with no further ado, let’s begin this year’s Ceremonial Pairing! Paired or Unpaired. One or the other. In or out. Pairs, pairs, pairs; groups, groups, groups. Until you turn eighteen, that is. The roles change. There isn’t enough of a need for pairings. They want Impetus to grow, but there are also boundaries.

I hold the little rock and close my eyes, imagining what it feels like if I could feel at all. Gavin describes them as cold, hard, sometimes with sharp edges that could hurt if you pull your finger across them at the wrong angle. Every morning I can’t sleep, I come out here and practice this exercise, testing myself on something new- whether a building or plant in the garden or the ground itself. Gavin would like to hear that, but I don’t tell him. I hate that feelings game he plays with me, or so I convey. I tell him it’s stupid and pointless. But that’s not the truth. I just don’t want him to know that I need that game so I can better understand these emotions that stir inside. I need to know more so I’m not reliant on Gavin when I figure it out.

Reluctantly, I stand back up and dust the dirt off my pants. I’ll see you again soon, I mutter to the earth, the gardens, the thickets, and anything else accustomed to my morning visits. I like to pretend they’re listening even when they can’t talk back. My definition of alive is a little different from most.

I take my time walking back to Propers C. The day is about to start, but I’m not ready to release these few minutes where I did something that’s not orchestrated by Impetus. I let out a sigh as puffs of white air follow the sound out of my mouth.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I never met Gavin. I’m not sure if I would be out here right now in the morning, completely alone. I highly doubt there would be such an excessive number of nights I’m unable to sleep. What I know without question is that when I do sleep, I wouldn’t have those dreams. I wouldn’t know emotions.

If it wasn’t for him.

So many things are because of him.

But I can’t tell him any of that.

2

Once I return to my room, I pull my dirty blonde hair into a ponytail, smoothing out the strands rustled by the wind. I watch for the light to click off under the bathroom door, preparing for Jacqueline to bounce into our room.

Jacqueline and I have been Suitemates since Level 5. All the years prior to that, we were in a massive Levels 0-4 sleeping room with caregivers, so still together. Always together.

It’s the one ounce of remaining hope I have in the Elders Board’s decisions for the Futures Ceremony. They have done a good job with the Suitemate selections and understand our friendship is important. I can only trust they’ve been taking accurate notes on what’s good for the rest of our futures as well.

Usually, Jacqueline’s enormous smile and laugh are contagious the moment I see her. Today is not the same. And she can read me easily.

When she bursts through the threshold with her classic, toothy smile, she immediately stops in her tracks. You didn’t sleep again.

Shh! I glance down the hall before closing our room door. You can’t be saying those things out in the open.

Relax. No one is around. We’re good, we’re good. Jacqueline leans against my dresser, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes narrow in on me, and even with her furrowed eyebrows and wrinkles at the crown of her nose, she is flawless. Maybe you should have the Doctor check you out again. It could be more normal than you think.

If Impetus found out I wasn’t sleeping, I would become the Clinic’s newest science experiment. I already went through multiple tests once before when they thought I was ill because of the atypical color of my eyes. I am marked to have brown eyes like most Impetus residents. But as each year passes, green has filtered into the brown, more noticeable when outside than any other time. I’ve learned to angle away from the sun when looking at people to hide that I’m a little different. I roll my shoulders to shake off the thought of the tests and their questioning. I can’t do that again. Besides, another hit on my health record so close to the Futures Ceremony will hinder my chances even more for getting paired. I have a lot working against me as it is.

Maybe it’s in the air or food. Maybe you’re not the only one experiencing it.

How many times have you seen ‘Insomnia’ come across the Clinic paperwork? I think we’d be one of the first to know if it’s normal. For the past few years, Jacqueline and I have worked more hours at the Clinic office than anyone else. If we are in school during patient hours, we must evaluate the notes of the appointments we missed as part of our work-study lessons to learn all facets of the office.

Yeah, okay, you win. But you’re normal, I’m sure. It’s safe to say I would know that.

Smirking, I respond, I don’t think you’ve been hitting the books enough to know. For years, rumors have floated that Jacqueline is in line to be the next Doctor since the current one is nearing the age of Respite. Despite being the most intelligent person in our class, she has clarified that if she were in charge, she wouldn’t choose that future for herself.

Flipping her long, curly ponytail off her shoulder, she sighs, I have been busy with other things, which causes both of us to laugh. We know Ethan is the sum of those other things.

You know if they pull me in for more tests, no matter what the outcome, they won’t choose me to take part in the reproduction of the future. I will be deemed ultimately and hopelessly diseased.

Jacqueline snorts in response as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other. We’re all a little diseased in some way or another, right?

That’s one of Gavin’s favorite lines. For a brief moment, her comment blends my realities- she knows everything too; our knowledge about life is finally equal. Jacqueline, Gavin, and the things we talk about, including the lies of Impetus, all exist in the same space. I have desperately wanted to speak to her about this for so long I almost respond with, I wonder if the other communities operate like this, but she cuts me off before I can open my mouth.

You most likely need an adjustment to your Remedy dosage. It may not be a bad thing. She shrugs casually, and that’s when my daydream ends as I realize she regrettably knows only what Impetus has told her. The naivety shield. That’s the problem with me having two best friends in different lives. Sometimes it’s a challenge to keep them straight. I’m constantly teetering on the edges of a Venn Diagram- truths in different worlds that cross, but only in certain areas.

However, Jacqueline is probably right about the dosage increase. I take two large pills three times a day as it is. Jacqueline and I compared pills side-by-side once before and mine are bigger than the ones she’s required to take, which was the result of the last round of tests performed on me. They will no doubt change my doses or pill sizes again since that seems to be the easiest solution to everything.

What’s worse than me not sleeping in the eyes of Impetus are the dreams. I can’t tell anyone about those, not even Gavin. Most of the dreams are as though I live in The Before- with actual physical and emotional feelings. Even if we feel an ounce of something, we aren’t educated to know what it is. It’s only when Gavin first started playing the feelings game with me that I connected the dots. I shouldn’t want to experience them. I can see why there was so much suffering in The Before. But they keep finding me. And oddly, the older I get, the less I want to turn away from them.

Because all I want is the truth.

Gavin simply makes things better, and despite some shortcomings like not being able to share information with Jacqueline, I enjoy having a secret friend that no one else in the community knows. Our first meeting was initiated by me breaking an Impetus law, and our relationship has since formed on continued transgressions. He’s my idea of freedom when I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live on the outskirts of Impetus, just like him.

While walking back home after a Level 6 field trip to the Cooperative, a bee buzzed past my ear and caught my attention. Jacqueline was talking to Ethan so didn’t notice me leave. We had identified bees and their pollination process earlier in school, so I was eager to see them in action. Although much of the wildlife had become extinct during the wars, insects survived, which intrigued me. I wanted to know what made them so special. Veering off the path, separating from everyone else, I followed the bee to the edge of the thickets.

Even as a little girl, I easily disappeared inside my head if a thought consumed me, unable to think about much else until I could find closure. So as the bee pushed its way through the thickets, I followed absentmindedly, not once considering the law I was about to break for the very first time.

The bee landed on a flower patch a few feet from the outside wall. I lay down on my stomach and watched as it fluttered about, elegantly dipping and diving among the flowers.