James Taylor: Cut Short

By James Taylor and Jonathan Agnew

A superstar athlete’s inspiring autobiography—from his cricket-loving youth to the diagnosis of a career-ending heart condition and its aftermath.


James Taylor was born in Burrough on the Hill, Leicestershire, in 1990. A sporting phenomenon from an early age, he chose to forge a life in cricket, establishing himself as one of the country’s leading batsmen and an England regular.

And then tragedy struck.

In April 2016, a serious heart condition left Taylor fighting for his life in the changing room. Told he faced possible death if he played cricket, or exercised, ever again, James’s bright and brilliant career was over at the age of 26.

In Cut Short, Taylor reveals his route to the top. On the way, he describes how he encountered prejudice against his size and takes us through the highs and lows of his international career, including a century against the Australians and a closeup view of the unsavory nature of David Warner.

With the world at his feet, Taylor reveals just what it was like to have sporting ambition snatched away right at the point of international breakthrough. He relives in breathless detail the horrific events of the day he thought he was going to die and his desolation at watching a fine sporting career torn from his grasp. At the same time he faced a battle to rebuild his life and his future, he was getting used to a body which, on several occasions, left him fearing for his existence.

That James has emerged from these dark days with courage, good humor, and renewed ambition is testament to a remarkable personality.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Jun 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781526732385

James Taylor

James Taylor is a writer, podcaster, and jack-of-all-trades media producer. Over the years, he's been a barista, a professional gambler, and a tech support phone jockey. When he's not tucked into a corner at a random Starbucks working on Trouble, you can find him road-tripping around the west coast, drinking a pint of Dunkel by a fire pit, or playing video games in his office when he should be doing something productive. He lives in the Golden State.

Book preview

Chapter 1

The End

By rights, I shouldn’t be writing this book. I should have been found dead at the bottom of a flight of stairs. Or in the passenger seat of a car. Or on a cold wooden bench in a distant dressing room far from friends and family.

I might have died on my settee at home, or in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers in a hospital foyer. It sounds dramatic, but that’s the black and white of it. People don’t generally survive what I’ve come through. Eighty per cent of the time the condition that affects me is found in post-mortem. The first anyone knows a person has been suffering is when they’re on the slab. Fair to say, my story could not have been written from the morgue.

If all had gone to plan, this book would have come after a long and illustrious international cricket career. It would have been peppered with tales of life in the England dressing room, of battles won and lost, of great opponents and even greater teammates. Maybe it would tell of a time I made an Ashes hundred, or saw England home to our first ever World Cup. For sure, if I was to have written an autobiography, I would never have expected an apparently innocuous early season game at Cambridge University to feature so highly. Certainly, in the big scheme of things, when my career was all wrapped up, as I’d imagined, in fifteen years time, I was never planning for this particular fixture to be anything other than a misty and distant memory. I had no idea that it would in fact be the one that would mark the end of my career and dictate my entire future life.

That journey down to Fenner’s came after the longest time I’d ever had off in my whole career. While my Nottinghamshire teammates headed for preseason in the Caribbean, I stayed at home. Nothing against the Caribbean – normally I’d have lapped up the chance to escape the dreary last dregs of the English winter and feel the sun on my back in one of the most beautiful places on earth – but the truth was, I needed a break. Not a break because I was run down or injured or out of form. A break because I’d just had the most amazing non-stop winter with England, firstly in the United Arab Emirates to play Pakistan, and then South Africa, which had confirmed me as a regular in the England cricket team at Test as well as one day level. It was an ambition hard realised. A succession of ups and downs, pats on the back followed by kicks in the teeth. It was a path long and torturous, a route too often leading to dead ends of ill-informed opinion and, occasionally, prejudice against my size. Thankfully, I always had a never-ending drive and a close number of very special people to keep guiding the way, to take me over the next hurdle, and the next, and the next …

Nottinghamshire coach Mick Newell had allowed me to miss the preseason trip because he knew how hard I’d worked. Not only had I been away for months with England but I’d played much of the previous winter, firstly in Sri Lanka, and then a one day series down under followed by the World Cup in Australia and New Zealand, and then the full county season. Mick knew I needed a break and, let’s face it, three weeks off wasn’t much, especially if you were me – sitting still never came easy. Three weeks off for me wasn’t like three weeks off for other people because I’d still be pushing myself relentlessly. In those three weeks, every single day I went to the gym. I did a lot of weights, which mentally and physically made me really strong. I had a mantra – ‘Look good, feel good, play good’ – and I loved smashing myself. I was compensating for a lack of height by getting myself as strong as I possibly could. When it came to making a statement of my ability on the pitch, I wanted max power.

At the same time, I had been feeling ill. I used to get colds a lot, probably because, without realising it, I was run down from training so hard and so much. I was on the edge of what my body could do all the time. Then I’d train through colds as well – the worst thing I could do – and that would tip me over into exhaustion. I was never good at giving myself proper down time even when I was supposedly having a rest.

Thankfully, I did do some chilling – I went two weeks without lifting a bat. Previously, if I hadn’t picked a bat up for a week I might as well have been blindfolded when I eventually returned to the nets, but because now I knew my game so well I could pick it up and get straight back into it. And that’s exactly what I did. I understood the areas I needed to concentrate on. I felt like I was getting my game down to a T.

When the 2016 season started, despite perhaps not resting quite as much as I might, I felt as physically and mentally strong as I’d ever been. It’s not often as a professional sportsman you can say you have absolute clarity, but I had it then. After a run of five games in the England Test team I knew exactly what I needed to do to succeed in that form of cricket. Technically, I was in a great place, while in my head I was feeling liberated and light. Not only that, but to begin the summer, England were playing Sri Lanka at home. I knew I had an excellent chance of starting the series in the side and if ever there was a team to get runs against, it was Sri Lanka in England. They were a world-class side in their own backyard but outside of it they offered a real chance for England, and me, to start the summer in style.

Understandable, then, that I drove down to Cambridge the day before the game with not just hope, but expectation, in my heart. I slept well and next morning was up by 7.00 am doing yoga in bowler Harry Gurney’s room. I wanted to give it a try as it’s a good stretching exercise, as well as being brilliant for relaxation and loosening up – because I did so much gym I would get really stiff – so we set the iPad up and followed a simple routine.

Afterwards, I went down to eat. I always liked to have a good breakfast and this was no different – full English, with pain au chocolat, fruit and green tea, the only caffeine I ever had (I don’t do normal tea or coffee), because I felt it was good for my metabolism.

By the time I’d eaten I felt fantastic. Here I was, a new season of excitement and opportunity ahead of me. All being well, this would be a chance to show what I was all about, a chance to confirm my place on the biggest stage of all, a chance to help win games for England. My time.

Cricket, though, as it’s shown down the decades, doesn’t like preordained plots and that day, after we won the toss and batted, I’d scored ten runs before I nicked off to second slip. I was disappointed because I wanted to spend some time at the crease. I felt so good. But the ball was swinging unbelievably and I got a nick on a wide half-volley. I was embarrassed, so frustrated – I couldn’t believe I’d made the error. As I walked off I had no idea this would be my final innings. Caught Tom Colverd, bowled Connor Emerton. Between them they only ever played seven first class games of cricket.

Afterwards, I did some strength and conditioning work at the side of the pitch while watching Riki Wessels smash it to all parts. That was the way I was. If I wasn’t batting, I’d be in the gym, or hitting balls. Just sitting was rarely on the agenda.

We were staying just outside Cambridge and that evening the team went for dinner at Yo! Sushi. I wasn’t drinking, and so drove a few of the lads into town. It was just an average night, cricketers catching up and having a laugh, nothing to write home about, something that happens hundreds of times in a career.

After a decent night’s sleep, next day was the same routine. Yoga with Harry, same breakfast, and then I drove myself to the ground. The England team had a sponsorship with Toyota and we all had Land Cruisers, one of the perks of being an international cricketer.

I arrived at Fenner’s at 8.20 am and was in the nets for quarter to nine. I had a really good session with Nottinghamshire coach Peter Moores, apart from it being incredibly windy, to the extent that the nets, which were on wheels, were actually blown out of position. I helped the groundsman put them back into place before it started raining and I ran inside.

My immediate thought was, ‘Thank God! It’s raining! We’re not going to have too much of a warm-up’. That’s the mindset of a cricketer. They hate warming up. Sadly, it was only a shower and stopped after fifteen minutes, at which point we somewhat reluctantly ventured out. We went through our normal routine, playing volleyball football, where you use your feet to get the ball over the net instead of your hands, then it was standard mobility and agility routines, getting ourselves warm, before some light fielding practice – a few catches and throws.

I’d thrown five to ten balls when I started to feel a little bit anxious. My shoulder was sore – a hangover from the World Cup a year previously where it had been bothering me and causing me anxiety about throwing. Now I was anxious again. My chest started to feel tight. Out of nowhere, my heart was really thudding.

Everyone gets a little bit anxious – it’s natural. But this was different. It felt beyond anxiety, like something had taken control of me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt totally helpless. Anxiety usually subsides. This didn’t. Right from the start it kept on going. It wasn’t going to go away. I had ten seconds of feeling anxious. By fifteen I was turning to my teammate Brendan Taylor. ‘My ticker’s fucked,’ I told him. ‘My ticker’s fucked.’ Over and over again, I said it – ‘My ticker’s fucked. My ticker’s fucked!’

My heart was now pounding like a drum – fast, loud, out of control. I felt breathless, panicky. My head was racing. ‘Shit! What’s happening to me?’

‘Go and chill out, man,’ Brendan advised. The warm-ups were coming to an end so I walked off to the changing rooms. My heart was now going what felt a million miles an hour. I could actually see my chest moving, my skin expanding and contracting, pulsing above my heart, fit to burst. It looked so unnatural. It made me feel sick to see it.

By the time I got into the changing rooms, I was really starting to sweat. It was a freezing cold April day but rivers were dripping from my face. I was so incredibly uncomfortable, like a stranger in my own skin. ‘Fuck! Fuck!’ again and again, was all I could think.

I lay down on the physio bed in the corridor – it’s Cambridge, the facilities aren’t the greatest. I was still sweating like anything. By now, whatever was happening to me had been going on for two minutes and I was really struggling to breathe. I was gasping for air, sucking it in. I was feeling so, so sick. I slumped off the physio bed, made it into the toilet and stuck my head in the pan, desperately trying to vomit. Nothing would come. Nottinghamshire physio Jon Alty dragged me out of there. It hadn’t been flushed and was no place for anyone to be putting their face. He got me back on the physio bed. I was trying to tell him about my heart but I could barely breathe. Every intake of air was a massive effort. I was gulping it in. I thought I was going to die.

I just wanted it to stop. I was so cold, really cold, but sweating at the same time. My heart was still banging at what to me felt like a million miles an hour. I wanted to pass out. I was willing myself to pass out. That would be a way of escaping it. I was thinking, ‘What will it feel like to pass out?’ I’d never done it before. I wanted now to be the moment I found out, but that particular relief never came.

Alty fetched me a drink but I was shaking so much that I couldn’t hold it and dropped it on the floor.

At this stage the lads were going out to field. They saw me but thought nothing of it. They just thought I was feeling a bit offside. They also might have thought I was trying to get out of fielding. Sounds harsh, but if I’d seen someone else in my position, a bit of me would have thought exactly the same. A lot of people don’t like fielding, let alone in early April against a university side in the cold.

At the same time, in the sporting world, showing any sign of weakness is not the done thing. I probably held back from saying what I was really feeling, and that may have influenced how everyone in that dressing room perceived what was happening. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at that point I had no reason to think I was in the grip of something truly horrific. In my head, this was something temporary that I just needed to grit my teeth and get through. I guess I felt a little self-conscious about pressing the panic button too publicly. I was at the start of experiencing an earthquake but was probably trying to give the impression it was a tremor.

Even so, I couldn’t help the odd moment of panic. ‘I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!’ I spluttered at one point.

Riki Wessels popped up. ‘Don’t worry, Phys,’ he told Alty. ‘I’ve seen this in a film. You just stab a pen in his throat to create another air hole.’

It was a bit of black humour – except a bit closer to the knuckle than Riki might have thought. At that point I really did think I was on the way out. A biro through the neck wasn’t out of the question where I was sitting.

Eventually, the players left and Alty gave me a sugary drink because he thought I might be suffering a shock reaction to low blood sugar levels. He was asking what I had for breakfast. He wanted to give me oxygen but even in the state I was in I was aware that the corridor was a bit public. My body was in breakdown but my head was still working really well and I was conscious that I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.

I went next door into the cold dark changing rooms and as I lay down on the hard wooden slats of the benches, propped against the wall, Alty gave me oxygen. While I lay there, he spoke on the phone to an England doctor. I was really battling now. My head was telling me again and again I was in a serious situation. My heart felt like it was running away with itself but more than that it was irregular and out of rhythm. That was the key for me. That was what frightened me. It was so irregular, so fast, and so incredibly uncomfortable. Physically seeing your shirt moving is scary. As a kid growing up you think your heart is in the left-middle of your chest and that if you could see it beat that would be where it would show. And yet here I was, and now it was beating out the side of my body. Before, no matter how hard I pushed myself, I’d never felt my heart hit the wall. I’d feel it beating, of course, just like anyone would. Now it felt like someone was physically punching me from the inside, their fist visible in my chest.

Subconsciously, I was thinking the oxygen was going to help, same with the sugary drinks. The placebo effect, I think they call it. Whatever, I was feeling a fraction better. And at that point, that was a major leap forward for me.

Alty was describing the symptoms to the ECB doctor, and the feedback he was getting from the symptoms I was describing and the demeanour I was giving out was that it could be a viral illness and that I should be monitored. It was a strange situation. The truth is that at times I genuinely thought I was going to die, and my heart was smashing through my chest, but I’m obviously no medical expert and I was happy to go along with the idea of a virus – all I wanted was this whole horrible situation to go away.

I was on the oxygen for twenty to thirty minutes but didn’t move from the bench for almost an hour. Alty checked my pulse by hand and also put a pulse oximeter on the end of my finger to check my vital signs. My pulse reading was up from normal but not off the scale. But to me this wasn’t a bit of kit equipped to deal with whatever else was happening in my body. I kept looking at this little plastic machine. I kept saying it felt a lot worse than this little bit of information it was chucking out. ‘Fuck what it says,’ I said, ‘feel my heart!’

Ross Herridge, our strength and conditioning coach, came and did just that. This stupid little machine was still saying the situation wasn’t as bad as I was feeling. So there we were, all under the assumption it was probably a virus. I had no reason to suppose anything different. I was a young man at the peak, or so I thought, of physical fitness. I had no reason to kick up a fuss, and I didn’t.

The idea was that I should stay at the game and see how I went in the next few hours. In the meantime, an appointment was made for me to see the Nottinghamshire team doctor back in Nottingham. It wouldn’t be anytime soon. He was working in Leicester and would have to finish his daily rounds before he travelled to Nottingham to see me. I wouldn’t be seeing him before 6.00 pm.

Then, as the coaches went out to assess various matters happening in the game, I was left on my own. Just me, an empty dressing room, and my hideous discomfort. All the time, I couldn’t believe how uncomfortable I felt. I must have tried ten different places in the changing room to lie down, or sit, or prop myself up. I lay on benches. I lay in the showers. I lay on the floor. But this was Fenner’s, not Lord’s. Relief was thin on the ground. The floor was concrete, cold, even more so since I’d been sweating so much that my clothes were wet. The benches were wooden slats. I was using people’s clothes, pads, anything to lie on, to give myself at least a slight degree of comfort. It was like when you have a really bad hangover, or feel unendingly nauseous, that sheer level of discomfort. Generally, in those situations you end up in the foetal position, but whatever position I tried nothing changed. To be comfortable I needed to take off my skin.

Just before twelve, I rang my girlfriend (now wife) Jose. It was the Easter holidays and, a teacher, she’d driven to Shropshire from our home in Nottingham to see her family. I needed to speak to somebody, and there was never anyone better than Jose. She has always reassured me in times of need and always will.

‘There’s nothing wrong,’ I told her. ‘There’s nothing to worry about.’ If ever there’s a way to alert someone that something serious is going on, that’s it. Straight away she knew. Before I’d even explained she could tell from my voice. I was fainter than usual, still struggling to breathe.

‘It’s my heart,’ I told her. ‘It’s racing, going up and down. It’s going mad.’ Jose knows me better than I do. To say we’re close doesn’t come near. She knows me inside out. She was trying her best to find out exactly what was happening. I was doing my best to talk, but at the same time I was so uncomfortable. I needed to get off the phone. I needed to be quiet. I didn’t have it in me to speak anymore. I didn’t have it in me to do anything other than try to deal with what was happening to me. I was conscious as well of not wanting to worry her. Maybe the less I said the better.

‘I’ve got to go,’ I said, and put the phone down.

Eventually, I made my way upstairs to the viewing area in the bar. I was still incredibly uncomfortable but thought it might divert me a little from how I was feeling. I was sipping at drinks and also tried to eat a banana but couldn’t manage it as I felt so sick.

I then tried to have a walk outside with Alty to watch a little bit of the game from closer quarters. I was incredibly cold, even when I put a hoodie on, and yet was sweating like anything. I was feeling just awful. I could speak and hold a conversation, anything to take my mind off how awful I felt, but I could never escape the pitiless grip of whatever was happening inside me.

There was clearly no way I was going to play and it was thought best if I headed home in the lunch interval. I obviously wasn’t fit to drive and there was nobody who could take me back to Nottingham apart from the overseas player, Aussie bowler Jackson Bird. Jackson wasn’t playing, but that didn’t mean we could set off back straight away. It was deemed he had to have a practice bowl in the middle, and lunch was the only time the pitch would be free. It’s hard to overstate how desperate I was to get out of there and get home, just lie on my settee, clamber into bed, just find a little bit of comfort, and now here I was, having to wait even longer for the overseas player to have a bowl. I had no other choice but to go along with it – I had no one else to take me home.

As Jackson went out, the other guys came back in. There might usually have been a bit of piss-taking but they could see I wasn’t winging it. Instead it was just typical blokes.

‘Are you all right, mate?"

‘Yeah, just feeling a bit rough.’

Again, I was just palming them off, trying to disguise how bad my heart was. I didn’t want them to know what I really felt like inside. It’s professional sport – the changing room isn’t a place where you show weakness. I even sat upstairs in the dining area with them for a bit and then went back downstairs to try to get comfortable again.

Eventually, Jackson finished his session and we walked to his BMW. I’m usually pretty precious about my belongings but that day I couldn’t have cared less. I left my bags unpacked in the changing room and abandoned my car. The only thing I took was my phone. All I could think was, ‘I’ve got to get out of here’.

I didn’t know Jackson at all. We had literally met that day. It was a two-hour drive to Nottingham and as I slumped against the window in the passenger seat, I apologised for being antisocial. I was in no fit state to hold a conversation. I turned my head and rested on the seatbelt and tried to get as comfortable as I could. Rest wasn’t easy. There was no respite in my heart. It was still pounding away. But it was just as much the irregularity as the pounding. It was the most awful feeling. Like a wrecking ball smashing against a wall. Except that wrecking ball was my heart and that wall was me.

The movement of the car allowed me brief escape from the torture as it induced a short fifteen-minute sleep. About twenty-five minutes out from Nottingham, however, I woke up with a start.

‘Shit. I’ve got no house keys.’

In my desperation to get out of there, I’d left them at Cambridge. It was just something else to add to an already dreadful mix. I tried to contact my neighbour because she had a spare set, but with no joy. I then rang my mum, who only lived half an hour away. Up