Searching for God

By Gary Dentino

Searching for God is a novel that reminds readers they are never alone when they seek God's love and wisdom. This book will help readers make sense of a hectic world when it seems there are more questions than answers. Readers are taken on an incredible journey of hope and faith in an effort to find their purpose for living.

• Language: English
• Publisher: CrossLink Publishing
• Release date: Sep 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393373544

Gary Dentino

Gary L. Dentino is a retired school superintendent, principal, and teacher. Currently he serves as an adjunct professor at Rowan University. Gary ls an avid writer who lives in New Jersey with his wife, Laurie. The couple has one child, Anthony, who is a high school teacher and track and field coach.

Book preview

Biblical verse quoted from NIV translation of bible.

ONE

SCRIPTURE

The idea had been growing within him for years.  Never did it carry a sense of great urgency until now, and there was no logical reason for this newly found sense impatience.  He was a man in limbo for sure, and he demanded that at least that one persistent question get answered.  God was someone he could no longer be content to someday meet; he must find him and end his torment.  At least on the outside, Chase Johnson was a man of faith.  He prayed and acted on his belief of service to others.  And, he saw the world as consisting of mostly good souls trying to advance themselves, and generally seeking to help others along the way.  Inside the tall man, whose gray hair made him appear older than his years, there was a struggle he needed to have resolved.  He needed to find God, quickly.  And he came to sense that if he did not discover him the possibility God did not exist might be plausible, just as Zeke had argued some ten years earlier, against the protest of his friend.

Chase shared his plans with his wife, who at first passed off his desire as some middle of life crisis, and not one she cared to engage much. However, she listened patiently, and often she looked blankly at the man she still loved as much as she had when they first met on the university campus almost three decades prior. They met near the cover bridge that connected the old campus to the new.   It was where they returned every year to be reminded of that crisp fall afternoon when neither was supposed to be at the bridge crossing.  Somehow, they were both were there where their eyes met for the first time.  Their university days seemed to be some distant time now.  His work as a trial attorney and Alissa’s business, along with raising their two girls, occupied every waking moment, except for the persistent thoughts that exploded like a virus in his mind.  It was that need to find God that would not diminish.  He needed to set himself free, or at the least, Chase had to get relief from the inquiry.

He felt good about his defense of the Yacanollo case, and the seasoned attorney expected a favorable jury verdict, but he remained ever cautious, for he understood well the unpredictable nature of jury trials.  Mr. Yacanollo had grown on him.  He was trained to avoid this personal connection, but this case seemed different.  Yacanollo, a man in his eighties, was defending an African-American child from possible harm, and his actions were not those of a criminal, rather a respectable and kind-hearted man who had stepped forward to do what he believed to be honorable.  He had hoped to present a quick and clean case, but as is often the case, there were unanticipated obstacles that presented themselves in court.  Chase did his best to explain or refute the evidence.  One thing was certain in Chase’s mind.  Chase Johnson believed his client did not deserve to serve time for his actions, and he was determined to succeed on his behalf.

Chase saw the old man age before his eyes.   During the trial, the old man appeared exhausted, and he began losing hope.  Mr. Yacanollo, Chase knew, deserved to be honored, not punished for his actions.  When the jury reached day three of deliberation Chase visited the tired old man, and they said little, but it was clear the verdict was not to be rendered in just hours as both had hoped.  He handed the old man the passage.  Chase asked him to read it each day, and use it as a source of comfort.  When he placed the paper in the Mr. Yacanollo’s hands, the old man read it slowly, as if to be certain to comprehend each word, then he clutched it so firmly as to wrinkle the once pristine paper.  When he then held it to his chest, a tear fell from his weary eyes.  Chase turned and left the old man.  His exit was swift.  Chase walked away before it could be seen that his eyes were tearing as well.

By day five of the jury deliberations the scripture quote was taped on the old man’s cell wall breaking the drab gray field.  That scripture offered hope where none was present just days prior.  It remained wrinkled, though there was an attempt to smooth it out and make it as pristine as it once was, but its wrinkled appearance was mostly present, though it did not diminish the message or the power it offered Mr. Yacanollo.  It hung with a single piece of medical tape, and it lifted from the wall with the slightest breeze that made its way into the cell. 

Chase’s family understood what the Yacanollo case meant to Chase. His wife saw him approach the case with remarkable detail, despite the overwhelming case load he was carrying.  He was intent on clearing the spirit of a man he was certain committed no crime, but who heroically went about to save the life of a precious child who was being attacked with an assault of racial slurs and caustic words that cut the boy, and Mr. Yacanollo as well.  Alissa also understood that Chase rarely brought his work home, but this was a different level of attachment for Chase, and he discussed the matter freely with her and the girls.

While the wait was painful for Chase, he was keenly aware that for Mr. Yacanollo it had to be unbearable.  His daily visits with the old man revealed a tired but much more peaceful client ever since Chase shared the scripture.  The look on the old man’s face had changed to one of acceptance even though his frail body, slightly hunched at the shoulders, made it appear he was in a struggle to keep his head upright and properly positioned to see the difficulties that lie ahead. 

Rami was playing in a high school championship soccer game when he got the news of a verdict being reached.  He kissed Alissa and raced off before he could hear her wish him good luck.  When he arrived to meet his client and escort him to the courtroom, he found him kneeling on the concrete cell floor with his head held up as he softly read the scripture that remained just where it was first taped on the cell wall.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27 (NIV)

Chase watched as the man repeated the scripture over and over then, finally, he interrupted, startling the old man who rose slowly to his feet, and made an awkward walk to his attorney who called for the guard to open the cell.   Chase entered to brief his client and make way to the courtroom with him.  Chase explained that he had no idea what the verdict might be or how the jury arrived there.  He asked Mr. Yacanollo if he needed anything such as water or his reading glasses. The tired man said nothing, but did not immediately walk with Chase to leave the cell, rather he walked back to the scripture and took it from the wall, then he held it tightly in his left hand. Chase waited for him, and placed his arm around his client’s shoulder, and they walked in silence to the awaiting court judge and the jury.   With calm confidence, they waited for the verdict to be read.

It struck Chase that the courtroom was nearly empty.  Only Mr. Yacanollo’s daughter and the mother of the boy whom Mr. Yacanollo defended were there, as were two local reporters who had been covering the trial from its inception.  There were few to witness the long-awaited verdict.   This seemed odd to Chase given the pretrial publicity and the magnitude of the charges.

When they settled in the courtroom there was silence so surreal that it took on a voice of its own, a soft nothing that spoke to some inherent oddity about to unfold. Chase sat next to the old man who looked forward for the first time in days making eye contact with the judge, but not the jury, just as instructed.  Chase tried to gain a sense of the jury’s body language, but he simply could not do so, though he desperately tried.

The judge gave brief instructions, then she asked if the juror’s decision was made freely.  Each juror replied in the affirmative, then the judge called for the verdict to be read aloud.  It was at the precise moment, when the jury verdict was to be announced, that Chase noticed his client sigh, almost in relief, and seemingly in anticipation of a favorable verdict that his lawyer was far from certain was going to be reached.

Chase felt an emptiness that gripped him deeply, but he wanted to be strong for Mr. Yacanollo, so he did his best to appear relaxed and in control, though he had no control any longer.  His impact on the case had passed just a short time ago, but it felt as if it had been a trial that stretched on for many seasons.  At least there would be an end to the painful verdict watch, and some outcome would shift emotions in a new direction, hopefully one favorable to the old man who remained seemingly at peace, perhaps more so that his lawyer.

Chase looked over the jury one last time with no less sense of how they might have decided, then he let out an audible sigh.

The judge’s words were spoken deliberately.  They were presented with great clarity, hinting they were practiced for some time, and as if they were words with which she agreed.

Not guilty echoed in the large room with tall cathedral-like ceilings.  Chase looked at Mr. Yacanollo who stared ahead with just a slight smile of relief present on his face.  Then he knelt and prayed to himself, and as he rose, he stumbled into the table before him and Chase steadied him.  He glanced upward, then quickly closed his eyes tightly, and he exhaled with a slow breath signaling an offer of meditative thanks for the outcome.  After opening his eyes fully and looking toward the jury, his smile broadened a bit.

For the relieved Chase, the drive home was not as he anticipated.  He expected a sense of complete relief and accomplishment, but instead there were more haunting questions that spoke to a deep place within his soul.  His life had come unraveled and no one was aware of the turmoil, but to Chase it was real and ever pressing.  He felt in control of his professional life and the personal life he so much cherished.  Whenever he thought of Alissa and the girls, he filled with pride and love.  Yet, he ached with incompleteness that he was just beginning to understand and truly seek to remedy.  It was the remedy that troubled him on the ride home.  He was not sure how to proceed, and felt only he could find the answers to the emptiness.  Chase drove from the courthouse with a sense of burden even though it seemed illogical to do so.

When Chase was a small boy, his father talked to him about confronting his fears of the dark.  He appreciated his father’s wisdom and concern for him, and worked to see darkness as a place of peace, a time when the world shut down for the most part, and the soul came alive with the thoughts, ideas, and discoveries he came to understand mattered most.  Now there was a new darkness born from an absence of something he most needed, and Chase was determined to find the light as he had some forty years earlier.  He was determined to find God, or prove once and for all that God did not exist.  He never considered himself an atheist, but unless he could find God, he reasoned he might be someone who was without belief in a God.

He drove endlessly to nowhere following the path of his thoughts, as if he might find the road paved with the angelic holiness he wanted to discover in his life.  As he drove about, he felt loss, pain, and doubt.  He felt he had entered the deepest crevices of his darkened soul, and he worried there might never be the chance to once again find the light.  Finally, he grew exhausted, and he found his way to home.

The girls congratulated him, and when Alissa arrived home, she too offered her admiration for his success.  Chase appreciated the sentiments, and told his family how much their support meant to him throughout the trial.  The four then sat down for a late supper where the mood was jovial outwardly, but not within.  The girls sensed something wrong with their dad, and Chase was unable to consistently disguise his flat persona.  Alissa saw the dynamics unfolding. She did not know how to bring the matter forward without offending her husband who she understood was hurting.

The conversation droned on superficially with talk around the edges of the core emotions that were driving the inner thoughts of each of them.  Chase then left his family after the meal to go for a hike in the trails behind their house.  Like his drive earlier, he sought to find the answers he was now not fully sure he wanted to explore.  It seemed the approach then avoid mentality was now habitual, and while it brought time, it never brought peace.

He walked for hours. The night moon become the sole source of light.  Now in near darkness, he was stripped of real distractions.  Chase was alone with his thoughts and the natural beauty that he grew to appreciate from the darkness.  He wanted to feel God and have him deliver his purpose in a way that made clear such direction was that of the Supreme Being, the Son of Mankind.  His pace slowed from both a sense of being tired and from the little natural light that was available to show him the way.  He suddenly realized his absence would worry his family, and that he did not have his cell phone with him.  He headed home with his concentration shifted from his deep and only personal thoughts to those of his family.  He quickened the pace as best he could in the dim light.  His concerns for Alissa and the girls grew however as he had been gone for some time, and it was becoming clear to him the girls were certain to be worried.  With each fork in the trails, he hoped he was navigating the path toward home.  His blind journey was beginning to cause him great concern and worry.  It was hours before he finally made his way near what he believed to be his home.  He noticed a flashing lantern near what turned out to be the last half mile of the path where it connected to his back yard.  Alissa and the girls place it on a high branch of a sturdy maple hoping it would serve as a beacon to guide Chase and announce they loved him.

He took the