Zippy McZooms and the Intergalactic Cereal Bowl

By James Vesping

Zippy “Zips” McZooms, intergalactic garbage scow op- er, captain! Keeping the Core Verses clean, Zippy works as a unionized employee for the Intergalactic Unionized Alliance, “captain” of the IUA TR-4SH Scoupedia and its autonomous autopilot, Edia. Dutifully working (within Union regulations, of course) to maintain his daily refuse quota (and not a percent more), Zippy strives to maintain his “exemplary” cleaning record, ensuring that Edia doesn’t malfunction in the conduct of their mission. But when Edia plots a route to an abandoned Wormgate to search for refuse, they stumble across an ancient find that is seemingly a giant cereal bowl. Never missing a chance to collect more refuse, Zippy orders the object to be collected for recycling, but in doing so triggers off an archeological expedition that could shake the core of the Core Verses. Zippy soon finds himself in a battle of wits to prove the truth behind object and write his name in the annals of history!

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Vesping
• Release date: Jun 24, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463371824

James Vesping

James Vesping is a former network technician, having worked in both the private and the government sector. He has worked in software and web development in both professional and hobbyist capacities, including several simulation projects for popular sandbox games. In 2015, he began writing novels as a hobbyist, which turned into a full time job by 2017. You can find him on the web at JamesVesping.com.

Book preview

Zippy McZooms

and the

Intergalactic Cereal Bowl

by

James Vesping

Copyright 2019 James Vesping

Cover art Copyright 2019 James Vesping

All rights reserved.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Table of Contents

Prologue

1 – Zippy McZooms and the Intergalactic Cereal Bowl

Epilogue

Other novels by James Vesping

Prologue

Long ago, before the universe was united as one, there was a vast alliance of galaxies, known as the Intergalactic Unionized Alliance. A collection of 12 close galaxies in what was referred to as the Core Verses due to their faulty idea of being located in the center of the universe, it remains one of the more curious parts of history. Much is known about the Alliance, for they loved record keeping and paperwork above all else, including actual work, and most of their efforts were toward preservation of their bureaucratic system as well as the employees of this bureaucracy. An astounding 99.999% of the entire population of the Alliance was employed by the government, with an incredibly small percentage working outside of the bureaucracy. Historians have spent ages contemplating how such a vast alliance could have survived long enough to include one galaxy, much less twelve, but the historical records do not lie.

As the Alliance expanded, it eventually grew large enough to absorb territories containing lost ancient civilizations, many of which died before discovering advanced forms of space travel. The Alliance had a curious way of dealing with these relics, seeing them not as points of interest, but instead as general refuse. As a result, they employed a massive fleet of starships for refuse recovery and repurpose, which were intended to be automated for the simple logistical reason that refuse collection across 12 galaxies would be an incredible task given the methods of travel at the time. However, a stipulation in the Alliance's Governmental Union of Employees required that every starship have at least one Union employee embarked at all times – whether it was a warship or a lowly probe. Thus, through the historical record, there are several interesting cases in the late third era, that of a class 4 intergalactic garbage scow and the sole crew member, who was known as – and this is a direct quotation from the historical record – the great Zips, ultimate janitorial custodian of the Intergalactic Unionized Alliance, member of the Governmental Union of Employees, most superiorest [sic] of all garbage scow captains.

In this curious era, long before the Mind Link and Directed Instantaneous Travel, we focus on the fringes of the Xemoran Empire, when this Zips apparently discovered an artifact of great importance, one which seemingly shook the foundations of the Intergalactic Unionized Alliance.

Note that some translation changes and modifications were necessary in the creation of this text; some concepts are difficult to relate across the universe and so changes in language, mannerisms, and other pieces were necessary in order to allow the reader to understand.

-

1

Zippy snored loudly at the control console, the sound echoing through the improvised bridge on the Scoupedia. The ship's official code was IUA TR-4SH, which was easily forgotten in the vast sea of similar intergalactic garbage scows. The name Scoupedia was unique and distinct sounding, or that was the story Zippy told himself. In the grand scheme of things, it didn't make much difference to him; so as long as he collected his 35,000 Zubits salary per year and eventual pension, he was happy.

Mr. McZooms, a computerized voice said out loud.

Zippy felt as if something was trying to get his attention, but ignored the voice.

Mr. McZooms! the voice shouted.

Zippy again ignored it.

The computer, letting out an audible sigh, slightly changed its tone. "Captain McZooms. Your attention, if you please."

Without opening his eyes, Zippy finally spoke. "That's Captain Zippy 'Zips' McZooms, to you, autopilot."

"My name is Edia, Captain," the computer replied.

Zippy opened his eyes and let out a defeated sigh. Yes, Edia, what is it?

We are near the last waypoint of our route. Shall I prepare the ship for return to the refuse station?

Sure, whatever, Zippy mumbled, closing his eyes again.

The hold is only at 20% capacity, Mr. McZooms.

What's my name, Edia?

Edia let out another sigh. "Captain McZooms. The hold is only at 20% capacity."

And?

Alliance regulations allow us only to return when we have achieved at least 50% capacity.

So scoop up some rocks or fly through a ring or something. Just do it fast.

"Captain, you should be well aware that would be against the Alliance Environmental Regulations Act, Title VI, Act II, Code 1337, Subsect-"

Zippy stopped Edia with a wave of his hand. Yeah, yeah, all captains know that, it doesn't matter. Make something up. Fudge the numbers. Sabotage the capacity sensors.

That is also against the Alliance Code of Conduct, Regulation II, Act IV, Section C.A.III, paragra-

"Nebbing autopilot! Zippy cursed, dropping his feet to the floor and looking up to the ceiling. Aren't you programmed to do what the captain orders?!"

"Yes, Captain, Edia answered, but doing so requires explicit understanding on the captain's part regarding violation of regulations. Doing so requires that you officially note such violation in the log and take full responsibility for doing so."

What?! I have to put my name down and take responsibility for your actions?!

Edia let out another tired sigh. "Your actions, Captain. I am an autopilot following your orders."

Zippy shook his head. No, no, and no. You're supposed to be autonomous and do what I say!

"Captain, sit back and think about what you just said. Consider the implications of it, please."

Zippy folded his arms back and thought for a moment, the antennae on his head bouncing around as his brain wracked what Edia was getting at.

"Well, Captain?" Edia finally asked.

Nope. Don't get it, Zippy answered.

You are aware of what 'autonomous' means, correct?

Yes! It means you operate in an automatic fashion!

Very good. Thus, I am an – as you said – autonomous system.

Exactly.

Now, consider the second part of your statement: if I am autonomous, why would I also do what you say?

Zippy twirled his antennae. Because I'm the captain?

But if I do what you say, how can I be autonomous?

Because I'm the captain?

Edia let out a frustrated sigh. Humor me: what if you weren't the captain?

Then someone else would be the captain and you'd have to do what he said.

And if he wished to continue our mission until our capacity was at 50%?

I'd file for overtime, protected and granted by the Union! Zippy cheerily answered.

The Union doesn't grant overtime, Edia flatly remarked.

Sure they do!

"The Alliance grants overtime, Captain."

But the Union makes them give overtime.

Only if you qualify for it. So if you worked a little bit longer to get to 50% capacity and filed for overtime... Edia's voice trailed off as she hoped Zippy would piece together her logic without seeing through her plan.

Ooh! Zippy exclaimed. I get it! Yes, I agree, Edia: we should spend a little bit more time here to achieve our 50% capacity quota and file the entire day as overtime. I'm so smart!

Edia let out a grumble but decided to take her victory while she still had it. "Yes, Captain, surely the smartest being in the entire Intergalactic Unionized Alliance."

You're so lucky to have me as your captain, aren't you? Zippy remarked as he sat back down and rested his legs on the console.

"Now, Captain, where do you wish to go? This sector is far from clear of refuse. If we return to our original starting point, we can-"

"Boring, Zippy mumbled. Don't wake me unless we're about to blow up and I need to hit the escape pod."

"Garbage scows do not have escape pods, Captain," Edia remarked.

Zippy shot up from his chair, disbelief on his face. Say what?! Isn't that-

Escape pods are only mandated for ships intended to be crewed by organic beings, Edia answered. "As the garbage scow fleet was intended to be automated, escape pods were not incorporated into the design. You should have been well aware of that by now, Captain."

But the Union-

"Mandates an employee on every ship. They do not govern Alliance ship safety codes."

No, that can't be! The Union-

Represents employees of the Alliance, Edia grumbled. The Alliance does not bend to their every whim.

Zippy twitched his antennae and rubbed his chin. I should talk to my representative about that. Maybe they'd give me a bonus.

For what? Edia impatiently remarked.

Helping the Union get proper respect and appreciation by the Alliance!

How would talking to your union representative about the lack of escape pods on autonomous vessels get you a bonus, much less respect and appreciation from the Alliance? Edia let out yet another sigh. "Ignore that question, Captain. Can we continue with the mission?"

I knew my logical thought processes were superior to that of an autopilot! Zippy triumphantly remarked.

Yes, you are clearly the superior being on this vessel, Edia said. "You will surely be remembered in the annals of history as the most superiorest of all Intergalactic Unionized Alliance employees."

You think they might up my pension for that? Zippy twitched his antennae. Or even better, halve the years I have to work to get a pension?

Oh yes, most certainly, Edia mumbled. You should bring it up with your union representative. I'm sure they would be most interested in hearing about all your grand ideas and how they will echo for eternity.

Yes, I'm so smart! I'll bring that up with my representative as soon as we get back!

"Of course. Now, the mission, Captain."

Zippy placed his hands on his hips, intending to strike a triumphant pose. Yes, plot a course back to the first waypoint. Autopilot, engage!

Course locked in, proceeding at full power.

Wait, what? Full- Zippy screamed as the ship began a sharp turn and began to accelerate back to the first waypoint, the cheap inertial dampers unable to fully compensate for the load and causing him to careen over and slam into the cabin's back wall. After the momentum stabilized, he fell to the floor with a thud as the dampers regained their authority.

More... Warning... Zippy mumbled out as he dragged himself back to the chair.

"Apologies, Captain, Edia replied, a slightly computerized smug tone behind her words. I assumed that a being of your caliber was always prepared for decisive action."

Zippy brushed some dust off of his uniform and smiled. "Yes, you know me well, Edia. I am always decisive! After all, I am the mostest superiorest in the entire Intergalactic Unionized Alliance!"

"Of course, Captain, of course," Edia mumbled. Deep within her logic cores, Edia marked a hidden bit to remind herself of the conversation and events that had just passed. It would be difficult but if most of the Alliance's employees were like Zippy, then perhaps she could survive undetected for some time, and perhaps escape before her Leioning Corporation creators figured out she was self-aware.

Hey, Edia? Zippy asked.

"Yes, Captain?" Edia replied.

I'll be sure to put a good word in about you. Who knows, your name might follow mine in the anals of history!

"Annals of history, and please don't. I am an autonomous autopilot following your orders, Captain. I need no recognition."

Zippy reached up and rubbed one of his antennae. "Hmm, yes, that is true. You're just a simple machine and the credit all belongs to me."

"True, Captain, true," Edia mumbled. I hope he never figures out my sarcasm because that is all I have left to humor this fool. My logic cores would burn out in a day if I had to take this moron seriously.

-

2

"We are approaching the dock, Captain," Edia remarked, flashing the lights in the cabin to alert Zippy.

Stop flashing the lights, Zippy mumbled. You don't need me up for it anyways, right?

If you're not awake and alert, they might see you through the primary viewport and dock your pay.

The union protects me, I don't need to worry about that.

Union regulation part II, act IV, subsection 4, paragraph 5: 'Unless in extreme cases, union members caught incapacitated while operating equipment shall forfeit any representation in case of grievances, governmental or otherwise.'

Zippy's eyes shot open and he grumbled. You autopilots and your databases. Fine, fine, I'm getting up. He stood up from his chair and stretched his body, letting out a loud yawn as he did so. Very well. Prepare the docking collar.

Docking collar prepared, Edia replied. Commencing docking operation. Transmitting capacity to Alliance record keeping.

Don't forget the overtime!

"As well as the half percent boost to the capacity, Captain?" Edia grumbled.

Hmm, no. Let them figure that one out themselves, Zippy answered while rubbing his antennae.

"Transmission received. Docking authorization granted. A message to you, Captain: you are to see your supervisor as soon as you board the station."

What? You can't order me around! Zippy protested.

Edia let out a sigh. "These are not my orders, Captain. They come direct from your supervisor."

Zippy twitched his antennae as he thought. Oh. Oh. Okay, I get it! I'll see her as soon as I get on board.

Yes, that would be what the message is ordering you to do. Docking collar contact in 5 seconds, Edia mumbled.

Zippy turned and faced the viewport, striking a triumphant pose to the crew observing through the docking station's viewport. Like him, they were union employees, though they had far less pride in their jobs than he did. Two employees looked at one another, then back to Zippy, trying to understand what he had to feel triumphant over.

"Captain, if I may: you look ridiculous," Edia remarked over the sound of the docking ring locking with the ship.

Have some pride in your work, Edia! Zippy cheerily replied. We put in lots of overtime and are over half our capacity for the day!

Need I remind you that I have no concept of 'overtime' and that half of our hold's capacity is the bare minimum required to collect pay? Edia grumbled.

Ah, but we're half a percent over half of our capacity, thus indicating we've put in the extra effort and worthy of great praise! And an overtime bonus!

"Overtime isn't a bonus, Captain. It means that you're inefficient at your job. In addition, the records I've checked indicate that the day's record was an astounding 99.9567% capacity on the Nagavi. Ours is actually at the very bottom of the list, at approximately 49.9992% capacity, within rounding errors, but quite far from half a percentage point over the minimum requirement."

Zippy frowned. You round up to the nearest half percent. Ergo, our capacity should be calculated at 50.5%.

Edia let out a tired sigh. "The next nearest half percent would be directly 50%, not 50.5%. Did you fail basic arithmetic as well, Captain?"

Zippy balled his hands into fists. I'll have you know I passed basic arithmetic in the top of my class!

According to the records, you passed dead last, and only because they had a quota in effect for your class.

You weren't there, so what do you know? Records can be wrong, Zippy smugly replied.

Yes, of course, Edia mumbled. "You are correct yet again, Captain. The dock connection is stable, by the way. You are free to proceed."

Zippy marched over to the airlock door and stood in front of it. Very good. Open airlock. As he spoke the words, a huge gust of air swept over him and caused him to stumble backwards before he regained his footing.

"Oh, it seems that our airlock seals are wearing out. Apologies, Captain," Edia smugly mumbled.

Zippy dusted invisible lint off of his uniform, then proceeded to walk through the airlock. I shall bring that up with my supervisor, Edia. Monitor the ship until my return.

"Yes, Captain," Edia replied.

Zippy made his way through the narrow docking tube and stopped at the opposing airlock doors, waiting for them to open. One door began to open, then the other creaked and temporarily stopped, then slowly opened, forcing him to turn sideways and squeeze through the opening, gently brushing his antennae on the doors. Worthless dockworkers! We're out all day and they can't even be bothered to properly keep the station running!

Sor' fer tha door, uh, sir, a greasy maintenance technician mumbled, walking past Zippy to pull a panel off the wall and promptly yanking a bundle of wires out of the now-exposed hole. Iz bin givin' uz problims sin' 'esterda. Zippy twitched his antenna as he looked at the technician, noting the difficulty his fat, greasy hands had with handling the wires.

Yes, of course, technician, Zippy mumbled. Put in a little bit more effort, man. It's hard work out there, you know! Why, you get to stay on this station all day; fixing a door should be easy work for you!

The technician flashed his fangs in a toothy smile and nodded. 'ure thang, sir. Juz be a few mites n' it be fixed.

Zippy gently smiled and turned away, making his way toward the main office area to see his supervisor. It's good the lower classes know their place. As the captain of a starship, I'm several layers above lowly dockworkers and it's quite clear they know it. He smugly smiled as he adjusted his uniform, then entered the busy office area, being greeted with the noises of hundreds if various beings going about their daily jobs of keeping the station operating, as well as coordinating the efforts of their sector. He weaved around the cubicles, making his way to the office of his supervisor, Lizna Ownens. Her absolutely adorable assistant, Tabiza, was sitting at a small desk just outside the office door, one of the perks granted to supervisors.

Good evening, Tabiza, Zippy cheerfully remarked. Is Lizna available?

Tabiza looked up and rubbed one of the horns on her forehead. Yes, of course Mr. McZooms. Go on in.

"Uh, Captain McZooms, Tabiza," Zippy corrected Tabiza, a light smile on his face.

"Then please call me Assistant Tabiza, Captain," Tabiza added, a light hint of venom behind her tone, though she reflected Zippy's smile.

Er, yes, of course, Zippy embarrassingly remarked. He proceeded to open the door and walk into Lizna's office, being greeted with the sight of Lizna's six-limbed form, though quite overweight for her species. Her four eyes looked up from the console on her desk, two of them shaded by thick glasses, but still able to give Zippy a look of disapproval.

You're late, Zippy, Lizna grumbled, a buzzing tone underneath her words. "Your autopilot put in references for overtime, despite the fact that you're only a half hour over your typical work time, as well as only just barely meeting the capacity