Solemn Vows

By Ginny McBlain

Meredith agreed to marry Quinn McAllister if he would promise that theirs would be a childless marriage. They were made for each other, having come from similar unstable backgrounds and pulled themselves up by their own ambition and determination.

Five days after their wedding, Quinn learns that his best friend, his "brother" from Boys Town, is dead, leaving his three young children orphaned. Years ago Quinn promised to care for the children if anything happened. Now he is faced with keeping his vow. But what about his promise to his wife, that theirs would be a childless marriage?

Meredith has a secret, one she fears could doom her marriage if she ever reveals it. The choice is hers: her secret or her marriage? She must take the orphans into her home, despite her conviction that she will be a terrible mother to them.

Love may not be enough to save their marriage when one promise must be broken if another is kept.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Uncial Press
• Release date: Sep 11, 2018
• ISBN: 9781601742421

Book preview

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Chapter One

A part of himself was missing.

Lost in thought, Quinn McAllister guided his black Honda Civic sport coupe down Highway 77, flanked by Kansas farmland. Another twenty miles to Fort Riley. Dusk deepened by slow degrees on this June evening, bathing the sky in soft shades of lavender and mauve. The peacefulness of the passing scene could have been a balm to his aching heart, but he barely noticed anything beyond the ribbon of blacktop winding through the fields of grain crops.

Memories flooded his mind. Steve Dutton
 Football on the Boys Town High School team, puckish pranks they'd played on their Family-Teachers, the rigors of Army basic training. Then the separations, which somehow had only strengthened their bond. He blinked to ease the burning in his eyes. He wouldn't, couldn't, cry. Once he started he wasn't sure he could stop, and he had to see the road. He must reach the children safely. He was all they had now.

Meredith had offered to drive. She would've taken over and done everything to get them to Fort Riley if he'd let her, but Quinn needed to keep busy. Bad enough having all this time to think. If he were sitting in the passenger seat with nothing to do with his hands for over three hours, he'd go stark raving mad.

It seemed like weeks rather than hours since he'd awakened this morning snuggled next to his beautiful bride. He stole a glance at her dozing in the seat next to him, her head resting on the window.

It had been an endless day. Before leaving their honeymoon retreat in Colorado, he had contacted the authorities at Fort Riley by telephone and relayed their travel plans. He and Meredith then flew into Omaha and took an Uber straight to their apartment to pick up the car and clean clothes. Two and half hours after touchdown at Eppley Airfield, they headed south.

Quinn wasn't sure how he'd make it through the next few days, but he knew he must. He cast another glance at his wife of five days. At least he wasn't alone. So far, Meredith proved a tower of strength. He needed her support. There were funeral arrangements to make and the kids to see about.

The kids. Something tore and bled deep inside him. How could he have gotten himself in such a mess? Two pledges, both given in good faith
 To keep either, he must break the other. And yet, what choice did he really have?

Could their marriage survive the upheaval in their carefully made plans? Would Meredith accept the inevitable changes? He shook his head. Time enough to deal with that later. Right now, he had more immediate problems to consider.

The post gate loomed before him. Like most US Army installations, Fort Riley was a closed post. Quinn stopped at the gate, and showed his ID. After he was waved through, he headed for Steve's assigned quarters in one of the housing areas. He'd learned that the couple next door was caring for Brett, Wynne and Brittany.

He parked in the Dutton's driveway and touched Meredith's arm. Honey, we're here.

Meredith sat up with a start and rolled her shoulders. Guilt surged through her. A whole lot of help she'd been, sacked out. Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep. Why didn't you wake me?

No problem. You needed the rest.

She couldn't deny his statement. Their lovemaking had lasted well into the early morning hours. Again.

Let's go, Quinn said. He swung out of the car and straightened his spine, as if preparing himself for the ordeal ahead.

Accustomed to decisive action, Meredith hated feeling so helpless. There must be something she could do to make things easier for Quinn. But what? When it came to the military, she didn't have the least idea how to proceed.

She rounded the car and grasped his hand, giving him the only thing she had to give, her love and emotional support. They crossed the lawn, heading for the opposite side of the duplex. Before they reached the porch, the door opened, the void filled with a tall, wiry black man.

Quinn McAllister? The man pushed the screen open. Come in. I'm Joe Jamison.

Quinn placed his hand on the small of Meredith's back, indicating for her to precede him into the house. Joe, he acknowledged. This is my wife, Meredith.

How do you do, Meredith murmured.

A pretty woman with a short Afro haircut and cafe au lait skin entered the living room from the hallway. Her red-rimmed eyes expressed her grief before she said a word. They're all asleep.

Hon, Joe said, Quinn and Meredith are here. He turned to his guests. My wife, Anita.

Anita flashed a fleeting smile. I'm so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances. She directed her gaze to Quinn. I know how close you and Steve were.

I appreciate your keeping the kids, Quinn said. How are they?

Brett and Wynne are bewildered. The baby's cranky. Patti was nursing. Anita slid onto the arm of Joe's chair. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, iced tea, a beer?

No, thanks, Quinn replied. He turned to Meredith.

Nothing for me, either.

The SAO told me Patti's father is flying in from Alabama tomorrow, Joe said.

What's the SAO? Meredith asked.

The survivor's assistance officer. That's the person assigned to help with the arrangements.

Oh.

Do you know when to expect Patti's dad? Quinn asked.

Early afternoon, but I don't know the exact time, Joe answered.

Exhausted despite her nap in the car, Meredith scooted back on the couch cushion, easing her tired shoulders into the softness. She experienced an odd detachment. Here she was, sitting in a stranger's home, talking about people she barely knew. Although filled with a certain sadness since they'd been awakened by the chaplain, doctor and officer who'd notified them of Steve's and Patti's death's, she was devoid of the profound grief evident in the others. Mainly, she hurt for Quinn.

She worried about him. From the moment he'd snapped out of his initial shock, he'd said little, but kept working, doing everything necessary to get here. Even on the flight to Omaha, he'd scrawled notes about the funeral. How long could he continue to push himself before he fell apart? Aside from herself, Steve had been dearer to Quinn than anyone.

She still didn't understand how Quinn, a close friend, was considered next of kin. Obviously, the designation was official and carried some responsibility. At least Patti's father was on the way to help with the arrangements and to take over the children.


you're sure the kids can stay? Quinn said when she turned her attention back to the conversation.

It'll be less unsettling if they remain here, Anita said. This is familiar territory. Our children play together all the time. It's the least we can do.

Okay. I guess we'd better go.

You can bunk next door, Joe said. I've got the key.

Patti's family should stay there. I made a reservation at the post hotel.

Then we'll see you tomorrow?

First thing, Quinn said. I want Brett and Wynne to know I'm here for them.

The next morning Anita met Meredith and Quinn at the door with Brittany cradled in her arms. The baby's distraught screaming tore at Meredith's heart. Poor little thing. She missed her mommy.

Let me take her, Quinn offered. Maybe I can calm her down.

She isn't happy with a bottle, Anita said, handing the infant to him. I called the post hospital. They assured me she'd take it when she got hungry enough.

Poor baby, Quinn soothed, holding the tiny girl against his chest and patting her on the back. He settled into an overstuffed chair. I know things aren't right, but we're going to take care of you. Don't you worry.

Meredith marveled how, at the sound of his low voice, Brittany's screams lessened. He continued talking until her cries were reduced to hiccups. The almost bald infant leaned her head back and watched his face, as if entranced. Meredith wondered why she was surprised. His voice, deep and resonate, always induced a spine-tingling current on her own senses. Any female, even one so small, would appreciate the beauty of his lyrical baritone, especially when he spoke to her and her alone.

A door at the back of the house slammed and feet pounded on the tile floor. In seconds Brett barreled into the room and hurled himself at Quinn, locking his pencil-thin arms around Quinn's shoulders. The boy's chin quivered and a fat tear fell from a blue eye and rolled down his cheek. My daddy and mommy died, Quinn.

Quinn reached around with his free arm and pulled the tow-headed boy onto his knee. I know, ace, I know.

I don't have no daddy and mommy no more.

He nestled the distressed child into the crook of his arm. You still have me, Brett. You still have me.

Meredith heard the reassurance and quailed. What was Quinn saying? He couldn't be thinking clearly. Soon they'd return to Omaha and Brett and his sisters would go to Alabama with their grandfather. She expected Quinn would maintain an interest in Steve's children, but at such a distance telling a child he still had his father's friend seemed unwise. However, she knew better than to make things worse by saying so in front of the boy. As soon as they were alone, she'd mention it to Quinn.

At that moment, Wynne sidled in from the hall, thumb in her mouth and dragging a tattered blanket behind her. Another blonde, her wispy curls framed a sweet face dominated by huge blue eyes. She spotted Quinn and scampered straight for him. He scooched Brittany higher on his shoulder, making a place for Wynne on his unoccupied knee. She climbed on his lap and snuggled into his stomach.

What a wonderful father he'd make. Meredith's thought was bleak. Never before having observed him with children at close range, she was taken aback. Guilt surged through her. They hadn't known each other but six months. It was plenty long enough for them fall deeply in love, but they hadn't really explored each other's hopes and dreams to any great extent. She was committed to remaining childless. It had never occurred to her that she might deprive a natural father of the family he should have. Well, it was too late to undo the damage now.

They were already married.

She made a silent vow. Their relationship would be so wonderful he wouldn't miss having children, or she'd die trying. She couldn't bear the thought that he might come to regret his promise or their marriage.

* * * *

The afternoon sun was blazing in the front window of the Dutton's quarters. Meredith closed the drapes. At the far end of the L-shaped room, Quinn, the SAO, a post chaplain, and Patti's father, John Carter, sat around the dining table planning the funeral service.

Mr. Carter was a frail man, who looked far older than his years. His hands were gnarled with arthritis. He leaned heavily on his cane, his gait slow and, obvious to even a casual observer, painful. His wife, stricken with Alzheimer's disease, was at home, unable to make the trip. Meredith sighed. How in the world would the infirm couple manage three preschoolers?

She looked around the room. The furniture showed signs of hard use and many moves. A Kool-Aid stain here, a loose thread there, scratches on the wood. The place was clean, but toys were scattered about. Having grown up in such crowded quarters that anything left out of place was a hazard, the clutter bothered Meredith. Before she could stop herself, she picked up the strewn blocks and tossed them into a laundry basket already half full of toys.

A chair scraped against the tile floor, and Meredith realized the meeting was over. She accompanied Quinn to the door, and they said good-bye to the SAO and chaplain.

The service is tomorrow at eleven, Quinn said, turning to Meredith. Would you find something appropriate for Brett and Wynne to wear?

You aren't planning on taking them to the funeral, are you? Horror crept into her words.

Certainly.

But— But, they're too young!

Honey, they need to say good-bye to their parents.

I agree with Quinn, John Carter said. They should attend. The ceremony will help them understand that Patti and Steve
aren't coming back.

Meredith looked from one man to the other and shook her head. They were both definite in their opinion. Who was she to argue? All right, I'll find their clothes.

* * * *

Meredith sat next to Quinn in the family pew holding Wynne on her lap. The chapel at Fort Riley was filled, a sea of blue uniforms with occasional dots of color from civilian dress. Masses of flowers surrounded two caskets, one draped with an American flag, the other covered with a purple brocade pall. Quinn, although a Reservist and not on active duty, wore his Army uniform. His brass and shoes gleamed. His shoulders straight, his pale face etched with grief, he perched on the edge of the pew.

She observed Mr. Carter. His face, gray with pain, revealed both his emotional and physical suffering. Brett, clad in the blue suit he'd worn to their wedding, his miniature tie askew, slouched in his seat, wedged between Quinn and his grandfather. The little boy patted John's arm, offering comfort. Undone by the sweet gesture, she let a tear escape the corner of her eye.

Following the opening hymn and prayers, Quinn rose, his steps to the lectern slow and measured. Standing tall, he adjusted the microphone to accommodate his six feet plus height. He looked out over the congregation before speaking. Steve Dutton's faith was forged as a teenager at Boys Town and strengthened through the rest of his life. I'm reading today from his favorite passages of scripture.

Lulled by the reassuring sound of Quinn's voice, Meredith tried to imagine Steve's life before Boys Town and the metamorphosis the institution's program had wrought. His life—and Quinn's—had been forever changed by the love, respect and discipline offered at the school.

Quinn read on, his voice strong and sure, comforting the mourners. Meredith only hoped he was drawing comfort to himself as well.

He closed the Bible and resumed his seat. Meredith reached for his hand and knew the instant their fingers touched that he wasn't as untouched as his strong voice portrayed. His clammy cold hand trembled. She admired his courage. To put aside his grief and take part in the service
 She wouldn't have the inner strength to pull it off.

Throughout the eulogies and meditation Wynne whimpered and wiggled on her lap. Poor kid, this service must seem interminable to her.

The organist began the last hymn. The message offered hope and promised victory in eternal life. Moved once again, tears poured from Meredith's eyes. She cradled Wynne to her breast, drawing as much consolation as she gave. The little girl, smelling of the magical combination of floral soap and baby shampoo, wound her arms around Meredith's neck, burying her face in Meredith's shoulder. Her hold on Wynne tightened. At the same time, she reinforced her resolve to maintain her distance. It would be far too easy to become attached to this little one. That must not happen.

The solemn service ended and the pall bearers, twelve soldiers from Steve's Military Police Company, escorted the caskets down the aisle. Meredith followed carrying Wynne. Brett clung to Quinn's hand, John to Quinn's other arm.

On the ride back to the chapel following the committal service, Brett and Wynne were restless and fussy. Anita had reported that both woke up crying with nightmares the night before. The tykes must be tired, as well as scared, confused and Meredith imagined hungry. They needed kid food, not the casseroles supplied by generous friends for the traditional post-funeral gathering.

Quinn, the children need naps, she whispered as they stepped out of the limousine. I know you can't leave yet, but I'll slip away and take them home.

He nodded and reached in his pocket for his car keys. Good idea. I'm sure John and I can hitch a ride with Joe and Anita. He patted her shoulder, his ghost of a smile grateful. Thanks, honey.

* * * *

What're you going to do about their household goods? Anita asked.

We'll have to sell most everything, or give it away, John replied. We don't have room for anything more in our retirement apartment. What do you think, Quinn?

I'll need the kid's stuff including their bedroom furniture.

In the Dutton's kitchen pouring iced tea, Meredith overheard Quinn's answer. She spun around so fast, she bumped her head on the open cabinet door. Why would he need the kid's stuff? Unless he planned to take them home with them. Surely, she'd misunderstood. The children were John's responsibility. He was their grandfather, their blood kin.

I'm sure the adjustment will be easier all around if the kids have familiar things, Anita agreed.

New furniture would cost a lot more than I have to spare. Quinn sounded matter of fact. Still bewildered, Meredith concurred with his assessment.

Their upscale apartment, a converted Old Market warehouse, was located in downtown Omaha. They'd kept little of the make-do furniture from their separate places. The new furnishings had cost a small fortune. Their budget couldn't stand the strain of further major expenditure at the moment.

I hope you'll allow me to come visit my grandchildren, Quinn.

A condensation-slick glass slipped through Meredith's fingers and shattered on the floor. Stunned, she stared at the mess without seeing it. Clearly, John expected them to take the children. And just as clearly, it sounded like Quinn had every intention of doing so.

Pain swelled inside her, spreading so hard and fast that she couldn't say what hurt precisely. Only one thing was clear in her mind. She could not mother children, her own or anyone else's. Her experience with Kirsty proved Meredith was an unfit mother.

You okay? I heard a crash. She blinked at the sound of Quinn's voice, the broken glass registering at last.

I dropped a glass. Take the rest. I'll clean up the mess and join you in a minute. She reached for a paper towel. Ah
 Quinn, we need to talk.

Shoot.

Alone.

He raised a quizzical brow.

Alone, she repeated.

* * * *

Meredith entered their on-post hotel room and waited while Quinn slid the security lock into place. He swung around, facing her. All right, what's this about? he said, concern evident in his gray eyes.

I heard what you all said this afternoon.

And?

Tell me I heard wrong. You aren't really planning to take those children to Omaha.

His face reddened. Meredith's stomach clenched in a painful knot. There was nothing wrong with her hearing.

Of course, I am. How can I raise them, if they don't live with me? His voice rose and his color deepened.

They're John's grandchildren, his responsibility.

They are my responsibility. His statement emphasized each word, leaving her no doubt that he meant what he said.

How can that be?

I'm their legal guardian. Steve named me in his will.

I don't understand. Why?

Because I promised years ago, a promise I confirmed before Brett was born. Steve doesn't have an extended family and neither do I. He stopped and drew a deep breath. Meredith stared at his stone face, each word he uttered increasing her pain. Was this the man she'd married? We pledged we'd raise each other's kids if anything happened to either of us. He couldn't bear thought of his kids going to stranger. Neither can I.

But Patti has family.

Be honest. Do you think John is capable of caring for three children, ages five, three and six months? There's no way he can chase after them. Patti's mom is so far gone with Alzheimer's she isn't even aware her daughter's dead. John has his hands full taking care of her and himself.

Meredith's knees turned to jelly. She sank onto the bed and dropped her head into her hands. The room was so quiet the air conditioning blowing through the vents sounded like the whine of jet engines revved for takeoff. What Quinn said was true. Guilt devoured her. Silently, she raised her head. His tormented expression rent the fabric of her soul. What could she say?

Darn it. He'd promised. She just didn't understand.

He dropped into the room's only chair. I was raised by my grandmother until she died. It was hard on both of us. I loved her dearly. I never doubted she loved me, but she was too old to cope with a rowdy boy. I drove her crazy. Especially in the winter when I couldn't play outside. She'd accuse me of bouncing off the walls.

Being younger doesn't preclude any of that, Meredith replied. Every parent I know complains about their children driving them crazy.

I'm sure we'll have more patience. And the stamina to contend with the kids.

She sprang to her feet and paced to the window, parting the drapes just enough to stare out at the parking lot. Her thoughts churned. She hated to sound selfish, especially when her position was in reality the exact opposite. But in order for him to form any other opinion, she'd have to tell him about Kirsty. She couldn't do that. He must never know her one dreadful secret. Someday, she prayed, Quinn would forgive her. She gulped and squared her shoulders. Spinning around, she planted her feet in a militant stance, and hardened her expression. "You promised we wouldn't have children before I accepted your ring."

This is different.

How? She tossed her hair from her cheek. Tell me how?

Brittany, Wynne and Brett aren't our own.

Refusing to back down, Meredith didn't move so much as an eyelash. He squirmed under her unflinching stare.

I didn't plan this, you know. He plowed his hand through his otter-brown hair.

Don't you think you should have warned me about this...this promise?

It never crossed my mind.

You made a commitment that will change our whole lives, and it never crossed your mind to clue me in. Her voice shook.

Quinn stared at the ceiling, and then looked her straight in the eye. I didn't expect Steve to die. Supposedly, he wasn't in harm's way. How could I have predicted a drunk would mow them both down on a street corner? His voiced cracked and he raked his fingers through his hair again. I never dreamed I'd actually have to raise his kids. If I thought about it at all, I assumed I'd lend Patti moral support and maybe a little financial aid if Steve died.

Desperation drove her. You could put them up for adoption.

In all honesty, she hated the thought of those precious children going to strangers. Still, she couldn't bear to tell him the real truth about herself. After seeing how good he was with them, he'd never understand her flaw.

No! Quinn shouted. He catapulted from his chair, startling her.