Blouse

By Morten Hjerl-Hansen

Articles from The Other Newspaper. The purpose of The Other Newspaper is to give the public a new, discomforting and humorous reflection of the way we consume news on traditional media and posts on the social media that cause the reader to question whether the world needs to change and whether one can live online.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Books on Demand
• Release date: May 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9788743099567

Morten Hjerl-Hansen

Morten Hjerl-Hansen har læst teologi og filosofi og har arbejdet som programmør.

Book preview

Fisherman catches enchanted fish

It is not the kind of enchantment which most people would find interesting, said Bent Holert, Sanditon, this morning to the Other Newspaper.

Scientists find fossilized moral theologian

This morning, the skillful moral theologian Peter Bline was found in his office where he has been petrified since 1974. When found, he was surprised, in good condition, very very rich, strong witted, with a firm grip on a vase, charming, much beloved, eager and had something left in the corner of the mouth.

He talked nonsense: The inner self is the most important. But you should probably remember that I believe that you have different selves through life. Each is a function of the former . It is strange. How we maintain friendships and close relationships when we continually transform is one of the major issues. I have not written a book about. And I’m really happy about that. Books can be long.

Man spells with four u’s

This morning a man from Abbertown spelled the word goulash with four u’s without adding any other letters.

Man lies about ship

This morning it was reported that a man had spread false information to a telephone pole about something as impressive as a ship. The bulkhead as well as the small hole where water flows out of the railing were misplaced, but the mast, however, was correctly placed.

Really useful advice for people who wrap their mobiles up in old horse blankets and are surprised when they can’t hear it ring

My screen got scratched. The Other Newspaper meets Anna Arild as she was attempting, somewhat haphazardly, to lean her bicycle against a newspaper stand. First the bicycle fell over, then Anna, and then the news stand. No… anyway, she continued, oblivious to the chaos; My screen got scratched. Then I thought; actually it gives it a bit of personality. But my girlfriend didn’t get it, so I rolled it up in an old horse blanket…you know, to give it a bit of personality. I think the penny dropped then. Suddenly, Anna’s eye is caught by a small article in a free newspaper on the table in the café where we’re sitting. Then I thought; what if I can’t hear it ring? So I whipped off the blanket again and of course there was a missed call!

100: A common number

Professor of numbers Ingvar Three collects himself after the piddle behind the tree and turns to gaze at the peartree in the middle of the field, which isn’t there.

Zero peartrees. Mark the plural ending and the beautiful branches.

Three continues his count of things that are there zero or one time.

One stone. One.

The professor indicates one of the numerous remains from the Ice age that are strewn around in the landscape, where we walk.

And now, as we continue, the stone disappears. Out of sight out of stone. One becomes zero.

The professor walks back to the stone.

It weighs exactly the same as you and I, if you throw away the biscuit you are carrying in your coat pocket.

The employee from Den Anden Avis (The Other Newspaper) nods in approval and takes out the biscuit to throw it in to the hedgerow. Quickly the professor grabs the biscuit and eats it and hides behind a tree. He speaks with a slightly altered voice.

100 is a very impressive number, because it begins with 1 swiftly followed by two nulls. Note that these nulls asked for permission first. They have explicitly asked to be placed to the right of 1, and also whether they might be allowed to have two dots, a dash and a bow, like a nice little face to taste whats going on. This however they were not permitted to have.

»Just give me a Champagne Lolly«

»I began the draft for the ad like this:I am a young man who is interested in the different types of confusion people may be in. I don’t care about equality. Next I show the draft to my uncle. We’re very close. He thinks for a long while and says: Just give me a Champagne Lolly. I had one lying around. Strange, actually. I give him the Champagne Lolly and read the draft to my best friend. We’re very close. After reading it he says: Just give me a Champagne Lolly. I fetch the Champagne Lolly in the freezer for my best friend. All right. I sit down with the draft and read it aloud to myself. I’m very close. I took a second to think. And got up to get myself a Champagne Lolly!«

Disney dog Scamp marries inner supermodel

»I went directly to the media after I had married Scamp the Disney dog. Scamp had only a single page of Donald Duck magazine when I was a kid. Totally unfair. Scamp is the most complex and, I’d say, the most generous person I know.«

Ebba Skammelsen waves her hand and a waiter brings more sweet wine. Four meringue are rejected with a smile. She’s an inner supermodel. Most recently, her beautiful interior graced the covers of Vogue and Marie Claire. The media usually calls her four times a day. This time it was she who took the initiative and contacted Den Anden Avis (The Other Newspaper). Scamp barks in the background:

»Scamp kiss fat man.«

Ebba pats her husband on the head:

»Scamp kiss Jewish lady with big hands working in the supermarket. But in a moment now. We gotta make this interview.«

Scientist finds ruby on the finger of high-society lady

»That’s a ruby you’ve got there.«

»No … Is it? It’s a heirloom. A ruby. But I had no idea it’s a ruby.«

»That’s a dress you have there.«

»I had no idea it’s a dress. I bought it just recently.«

»You speak strangely. You talk fast, confused and in a stressed manner.«

»Now listen. It’s actually me who is the scientist. You just roam behind your desk while I live.«

This conversation didn’t take place on Upper Manhattan yesterday where Den Anden Avis (The Other Newspaper) was present. It’s merely a transcript of what the eyes of the two guests said to each other. The real conversation was quite different and was about a load of cushions that were transported through Croatia during major hardships.

Pipe arrested at the border

Yesterday a pipe was held back at the border, on the double charge of being made of aluminum and being hollow, by which property you can see right through it, from one end to the other. The border had an ice cream.

Dane struck by feared type A-dementia

The severely feared, terrible and severely dreadful disease A-dementia, has struck a young danish woman, according to physician Kappel Kammer:

»She thinks she’s called Allan Schroeder, has been killed by the indians and robbed of 14 dollars in the local supermarket last Thursday. Otherwise everything is perfectly normal. She speaks normally, behaves normally and watches normal movies in the theater. Her clothes are not affected by the disease. It is still red with large yellow buttons.«

Postal service ready to launch new products

We have been working for a long time on a product where you send letters and packages from A to C, instead of A to B."

But then it will be a wrong person who receives the letters.

Yes.

Wooden toilet seat found under volcano

A toilet seat of a yet unknown brand has been unearthed from beneath the volcano Tesla in March in Ukraine. It was found by archaeologists in the subsurface beneath the active sulfur layer and is described as a sensational find.

We have no control over anything right now., says expedition leader Geoff Silvan. The nearer social relations are well. But can we ever talk about people in balance? I have spoken with my wife and my son. I feel good. I am speaking with my wife right now. This is her. Can we wait a little?

Human-like figure of metal stands on grass area

This morning a young man was surprised when he looked up from his cell phone, to find that apparently a figure had grown up of a cube on the earth without asking permission and without having a regular job. On closer study of a square plate, it turned out that the origin could be determined to the year 1935.

It is a statue of Plato, you airheadreplied a younger woman who lay beside the detective who now strolled around on the ground and studied the seemingly meaningless but heavily used lawn stretched out between buildings and highly suspicious trees.

Deeply reasonable person steals biscuit

A yielding person of the highest human carat, without much sense of justice, but with a very nice brushed-back hair and perfect character, with great boots, overview, deep calmness in stressful situations, in hot pursuit of his talents, self-absorbed, good, nice, contradictory, deeply divided, reasonable, listening and clever, this morning stole a biscuit at a tea party where he, hiding under a well-set table put his arm up and voila! The cake was gone in no time.

Man prompted by a fit of coughing in basement of aviation museum

Thursday, an aviation museum, which is not listed in the tourist brochures because everyone knows it and visit it at least once in their lives, was the scene of an unusual fit of coughing lead by troubadour Kim West. Afterwards the crowd was entertained by the three sweet 18-years old girls Ursula, Kimmie and Drilifi who instructed and recorded a complete film of two hours duration. It was a successful film which gained popularity in Hungary where it was last seen.

Incredibly boring immigrant buys aquarium

Please come with me home and see my little fish cried an immigrant daddy merrily when he saw a beautiful woman from Copenhagen on her bicycle. The girl got off her bike and cocked her head with a certain coldness. She thought of Adam. The world’s first man, who loved her dearly. For a moment it seemed to her that the immigrant was Adam and the real Adam nobody what so ever. So she accompanied him back to his family. Uh. The end of the story got a little boring. Actually the way I outlined the girl was, in a sense, boring too. I mean, first of all there must be others who love this beautiful girl and secondly, she and Adam will most certainly work it out.

Adult member of audience has inexplicable drooling attack during applause

One year ago: His wife shone with delight after yesterday’s concert in Forum, Copenhagen, while he got a drooling attack. The beautiful woman could not do anything and said that it was both embarrassing and strange. I rather like to drool, was the man’s comment.

Artist finds buried spring

A totally unknown artist supposedly recovered a major spring this morning as he was digging in his garden. The spring is elongated and twisted and weighs about 12 kg. It’s obviously been used to spring. This particular feature was demonstrated by the spring the moment after the find, when the man was overturned sideways with his spade.

Over excited children’s books give trauma in adulthood

You would not believe the entertainer Beider Niels and republican Kjørm Gooder had anything in common besides the bright orange hair. But looking them in the eyes you will notice that, during childhood, they have both heard the story of Mis and the two pastilles lying a whole night on a cold stone in Belgium, while a little bit of chocolate milk ran down a fir tree.

Danish cloaks are popular in the US

The Danish cloak entrepreneur Mandy Male smiles contentedly and looks into the hole in his cigar. There used to be a firecracker in there. Now there is just the sparse remains of figs. Mandy Male sorts 2,000 hats according to color and points to the wall. The pictures there remind me of Denmark when I was a child. The Denmark of my childhood. I believe the flagpole has been sold.

Nursing home resident performs fast-paced computer game in broom closet

A resident has just performed the seventh and last act, called The Tongues of Fire of the computer game The Tongues of Fire at the nursing home The Tongues of Fire in Brede, Denmark in a cupboard in front of the nurse Dorrit. It is so close to the real thing, it is so close to actually reminding me of Robinson Crusoe, but really it mostly reminds me that Henry behaves well. Yes, he behaves well and he behaved well yesterday too when he placed a lukewarm frying pan on a chair in the dining room.

Beautiful purple string blows from an igloo to a teepee

A piece of string that had long been stuck on an igloo reconsidered and changed its exact location to a big tent nearby. Or it must have been the wind. Here it sits, now almost glued on, slightly to the right of the woolly door. It can be viewed Wednesdays in the period from button to gate.

Civil servant discovers strange carpet

Yesterday a small portion of porridge was spotted driving up the Hillerød highway without spoon or plate. The only trace of it was a magic carpet which was discovered by an civil servant on the date of departure.

Movie star Tom Cruise starts in the first class

Me stupid! Tom Cruise gets a hysterical fit of laughter over his uncertain English when Othernewspaper.com meets him in front of Brogade School on Nøddevænget.

Therefore me starts in the first class. Because me stupid! Tom Cruise laughs again. A mother who comes along with her baby and instantly recognizes the Hollywood star breaks into a smile that gets 20 sheep to come into the school yard. She saves the situation by holding a huge X against the sun. Tom Cruise laughs disarmingly and takes off one shoe. You have flour?, he asks the young woman. I like to put flour in shoes. Hahaha! I put flour in shoes.

The woman catches the hint and put Tom Cruise into a beautiful purple box.

Now me live in a box laughs Tom Cruise from the box.

Greek searches for Russian who hasn’t disappeared

38…39…40…I’m coming! Is he behind the curtain? No. Has he been hiding here behind the armchair? No! Perhaps behind the sofa… No, it goes up to the wall.

When othernewspaper.com arrives, the search is on-going, the Greek walking around looking while the Russian stands in the middle of the floor. We have translated from Russian to Greek.

Hello!,