With or Without You: A Memoir

By Domenica Ruta

A darkly hilarious, shocking and complusively readable mother-daughter story for a new generation ...
A darkly hilarious and compulsively readable mother-daughter story for a new generation Domenica Ruta grew up in trash-filled house in a hardscrabble town where women were once burned as witches. Her mother, Kathi, was a notorious figure, a drug addict and sometime dealer with highbrow tastes whose life swung from welfare to riches. Yet despite the chaos she caused, Kathi managed to instill in her daughter the idea that art and literature could transcend this life.With or Without You is her daughter's unflinching chronicle of an unconventional coming of age, the necessary and painful act of breaking away, and overcoming her own addictions and demons in the process. the result is a shocking, unforgettable and ultimately redemptive story of loving and leaving.'Make it new,' Ezra Pound directed, and Domenica Ruta has ... With or Without You is that rare thing, a story you think you know transformed into one you have to read to the end. Kathryn Harrison

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Australia
• Release date: Mar 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781743095584

Domenica Ruta

Domenica Ruta is the author of the New York Times bestseller With or Without You, a memoir about growing up with a heroin-addicted solo mom. Her forthcoming book, The Last Day, a novel, was written in a postpartum fugue state as a new solo mom to her son. She lives in New York City.

Reviews for With or Without You

[theampersand · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

For anyone who enjoys midlife or recovery memoirs, "With or Without You" will cover some pretty familiar ground. It features unstable living situations, irresponsible behavior, and a young person's slow but inevitable realization that others may not consider their home life typical. However, the book also goes to a few places that these sorts of books don't go to, most obviously Phillips Andover, but also deep inside the relationship the author had with her mother, who rivals "Mommie Dearest" Joan Crawford in her sheer emotional cruelty and Amy Winehouse in her enthusiasm for mind-altering substances. Predictably, as she's referred to directly in the title, the author's mother casts a long shadow over both this book and the author's life. Kathi -- yes! It's spelt with a "i"! -- comes off as an astonishingly vain, chaotic, and destructive personality. Like the author, she seems to have had an eye for telling social differences -- she's something of a stage mom without the stage, always on the lookout for what might help her to climb her region's social ladder, and to use a terrible neologism, she's also a sort of malevolent helicopter parent who keeps her daughter on a painfully short emotional leash. But, perversely enough, she also lends this book a lot of its energy. In "With or Without You," she often seems like an uncanny embodiment of the constant, exhausting struggle to survive at the lower end of the income scale in lots of less-than-glamorous New England towns. She lacks neither energy nor initiative -- at one point she turns a failing taxi stand into a million-dollar business -- but most of her energy's directed toward getting high, filling her house with random objects, and carrying on a messy and ultimately mercenary social life. The reader comes away from "With or Without You" with the idea that being raised on the wrong side of Danvers was, for the author, defined by fever-pitch emotional intensity and near-constant disorder. Perhaps readers shouldn't expect a completely unbiased portrait of any author's mother, but the fact that Domenica Ruta can describe her upbringing's emotional tone and often outlandish particulars more-or-less impersonally is really a credit to her skill as a writer. She made it out of her grisly childhood with something like a coherent narrative, and considering what we're told in this book, that's no mean feat. The author, of course, faces the same challenges than most of her family did, and some that seem unique to her: how do you mature when nobody bothered to raise you? How do you get clean when your mother not only accepted but facilitated to most of your substance abuse experiences? At the same time, when you come from the wrong side of the tracks but have the sheer intellectual ability to drink and snort your way through a prestigious prep school and two liberal arts colleges, where does that leave you in terms of class? And in a sense, "With or Without You" is very much about class as it's currently thought about in America -- what it means to get ahead or fall behind in the twenty-first century. The author seems to have experienced both extremes in her comparatively short lifetime. She saves herself using a well-known grassroots twelve-step program, and people in the recovery community who dislike that approach may not love that section of this book. But as a reader and as a person, I can't remember the last time I was so glad to see a main character survive a narrative. You get a sense, at the end of this one, that she's found answers to questions that weren't put to most of the people she went to school with. And that's commendable in and of itself.

[nettie195 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

It is amazing what a person and go through and survive. I found this book fascinating, sometimes I laughed, sometimes I cried and sometimes I just wanted to shake the author. I am quite impressed that she made it to adulthood. I found the book well written, but sometimes a little disjointed as the author shared antidotes from her youth. I felt the author rushed the book to conclusion. Once she disowned her mother and began down the road to recovery, the details of both her life and her mothers life seemed skimmed over.Overall I found this an amazing study of the survival of the human spirit and I highly recommend it.

[bevfuller · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

"There are some things we have to forget about to get through the day."

[bogopea · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

She lived the next town over from me so I was interested in reading it but ended up feeling like so much of her story was my story.

[bookchickdi · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Memoirs about people growing up in tough family situations are abundant. I just reviewed Jeanette Winterson's poetic Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?, and Jeanette Walls' The Glass Castle is a book I reviewed and recommended to many people over the past few years.Domenica Ruta's With Or Without You is a searing, honest look at her life growing up with a mother who was an alcoholic and drug addict, and wanted her daughter to have the same life. Her mother kept Domenica home from school to watch classic movies; she felt this was a better education for her daughter.The book opens with the mother, Kathleen, taking her young daughter along while she bashed in the windshield of romantic rival's car. The destruction she placed upon that woman's car is a metaphor for the destruction she would wreak upon her daughter's life.Like Winsterson, literature and books became a savior for Domenica."Reading seemed to be a skill I'd somehow picked up on my own. In an extended family where people stumbled- and stumbled proudly- over three-syllable words, such a drooling little fiend for literature was endearing to no one. (It should be noted that even the most illiterate of my clan knew their way around a food stamp application, a subpoena, and a workman's compensation claim. We were nothing if not adroit at manipulating the system.)"As she grew up, her mother did her best to lure Domenica into her drug-addicted lifestyle. Domenica did her best to avoid it, but eventually she succumbed. She believed that going to college and getting away from her mother would save her. If only her mother didn't send care packages of drugs to college with her.Domenica writes honestly of her struggles with alcohol, drugs and her inability to have a romantic relationship. She runs away to Texas believing that only distance from her mother can save her. But her mother calls constantly, begging for money, pushing the guilt, harassing her daughter until the only thing Domenica can do is cut off all ties to her mother.I particularly enjoyed the chapter where she worked as a recreation aide in a nursing home. She felt comfortable with those people, more at home with them than with her younger friends. She writes lovingly of a man named Saul who has lost his wife of sixty years, who became her compatriot.With Or Without You will hit home with anyone who has had addiction issues or lived with anyone with addiction issues. Domenica Ruta writes with a clear-eyed honesty, which is remarkable considering how drunk and drugged up she was at times. Her decision to cut ties with the woman who gave her life and raised her probably saved her life, but is heartbreaking for her nonetheless. We don't know at the end whether Domenica will make it, but her journey is unforgettable.

[janehuber · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

With or Without You is a fractured family fairy tale. Like Grimm's witches, giants, or evil queens, Ruta's cast of characters fairly crackle off the page. I can imagine them weaving down highways in rusty cars, stealing my watch, perhaps burning down a house.Ruta's parents were young when she was conceived, and throughout this memoir practically everyone who is an "adult" seems permanently stuck in adolescence. Kathi, Ruta's mom, is an addict, and Ruta's childhood was peppered with incidents ranging from mildly dysfunctional to downright abusive. Ruta's backwards gaze is unflinching, her memory is strong, and the characters are described with great detail, so it's a compelling read.

[sringle1202 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Very entertaining. It is interesting to see how the dynamic between the author and her mother shaped and affected her life. It is also great to know that she rose above, and became something great. I think that girls living the same lifestyle should read this book to learn that there is more out there, and they are not obligated to be stuck in the life that they know. Have the freedom and independence to do something more and strive to be better and more than what you are.

[dawn1361 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Memoirs can be tough on both the reader and the writer. The writer must try not to languish too long on the difficult parts and the reader must not too quickly dismiss the trials. Domenica Ruta's excellent writing style and focus binds the reader to the journey of an adult struggling with relationships and addiction - a journey that Ruta accepts that will be life-long. Ruta's final words linking the picture of the wounded dog Zazy, are perfect. I received this book through the Early Readers program.

[lissaj_4 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Domienica Ruta writes about her experiences growing up with a mother addicted to drugs and alchohol and how her childhood isolated her and set her up for future addiction herself. Her writing is beautiful and lyrical at times and while describing her descent into alchoholism, her writing is so precise and realistic that it is almost claustrophobic. At times I felt that the flow was interrupted by jumps in time but otherwise this is a wisely told story.

[ohsillytwigg · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Domenica has an interesting story to tell, but this book falls flat. Towards the end of the book, Nikki writes, "In sobriety, memories return slowly and in the wrong order". Nikki's stories come as a stream of conscience. She often gets ahead of herself. There's no structure or timeline. She'll go from talking about college to post college to elementary school and then back to high school.This memoir could be incredible, but a lack of editing and guidance really holds it back.Note: I received this book as an ARC from Shelf Awareness and the publisher.

[lvmygrdn · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

The writing is good but the story seemed like the same thing over and over. Mother addicted, father never says he loves her, dysfunctional household, etc.

[karconner · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

It never ceases to amaze me how many crazy people are out there and the children who can survive the craziness! This is an interesting tale of such craziness. Kudos to the author for overcoming her childhood.

[soozyq9 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Not only was this a memoir of a young girl living in the throes of addiction and abuse, but it was a memoir about loving and how one can survive a life of misery by leaving and starting over. Unfortunately addiction is difficult to escape and reading about Domenica's struggles authenticates this reality of life. She doesn't paint any kind of pretty picture about her life, and even at the end I was hoping for a more positive outcome. Only time will tell...maybe she will write a follow-up memoir!

[beth350 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

With or Without You: Memoir by Dominica Ruta Dominica (Nikki) Ruta was a child in the 1980s. Her parents didn't marry, but she knew them both well since they lived in the relatively small community of Danvers, MA. The title of the book, "With or Without You" comes from the song by the group U2 which was popular at the time and a favorite of Nikki and her mother, Kathi. Kathi was a drug addict who managed to live on the fringe - at one time amassing $1 million and just as quickly losing it. Nikki's childhood was anything but normal. Nonetheless, she got into a prep school on scholarships and then into Oberlin College. Nikki also had a severe drug and alcohol problem. This is an interesting memoir, but memoirs written by ex-addicts are somewhat suspect in that one cannot be sure that there is a reliable narrator. When Nikki describes various incidences in her childhood and during her school years, it's hard to know how much she really was able to remember since she was frequently high on one form of drug or another as well as drinking excessively. That being said, the book does give a fascinating glimpse into the lives of Nikki and her mother.

[jgoto_4 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

With You or Without You is a memoir in the tradition of Running with Scissors or The Glass Castle: dysfunctional families, child forced to take on adult responsibilities, substance abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Domenica Ruta's writing style, coupled with her troubling content, draws the reader in like a magnet. Yet for me, something was missing from this story. I think it was simple Hope. As I neared the middle of the book, and then the 3/4 point, I kept looking anxiously at the number of pages left and kept wondering when the epiphany would occur. When would Ruta realize her self-worth and acknowledge a dream for a future for herself? When would her mother or other relatives begin to show some redeeming qualities? By the final pages, she did recognize a personal goal of "progress, not perfection," (I like that phrase!) but in the end, it wasn't quite enough for me. I'm not one who prefers books to have happy endings with all loose ends tied up neatly, but this memoir dragged me down and failed to bring me back up again. I understand it is not a novel; it may be the story of her life, but it was just too depressing for me.

[glendalea_2 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Domenica Ruta's memoir, "With or Without You,' easily falls under the troubled childhood/substance abuse/mother-daughter relationships umbrella that many a celebrity and non-celebrity alike have written about. Ruta is not a celebrity, and her story is not unique (some may even say it's cliched). What sets her apart is her ability to share her memories without seemingly asking for pity or forgiveness. She doesn't try to solve the relationship problems with her mother in 200 pages, nor does she languish over past wrongs. Her story is simple and straight-forward, and by the end I felt like I was sharing memories with a friend over a cup of coffee. Ruta hasn't had her fairy tale ending (yet), but I am certainly rooting for her.The only "negatives" were a couple of bumps in the narrative which will more than likely be fixed upon the final editing.

[muddyboy · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book was an absolute pleasure to read even thought the topic is extremely painful. Domenica Ruta has overcome the textbook definition of poor parenting in her mother to not only survive but to right herself and write a beautifully done memoir but to more importantly manage to overcome her demons and become what seems to me a wonderful person. Mom tried everything in her booze and drug addled brain to bring Ms. Ruta down but like a phoenix she has emerged from the ashes of her youth. You really must read this book. It gives hope to all those children that suffer in dysfunctional homes.

[l4mo · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Very well written and painfully honest, Ruta's memoir of her life made me feel so grateful that I've lived my life and not hers. Raised by an addict and exposed to pedophiles, Ruta grew up to be an addict herself. This is her story of how she fell into and then came out of her addictions.

[dlong810 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This book held my interest but seemed like so many books that I have read previously. I hesitate to say this because theauthor is writing a memoir. Her childhood was tremendously chaotic - an addicted mother and a father who is neglectful and hasn't grown up himself. Ruta's grandmother served as her sometime refuge and I enjoyed her eccentricity. In spite of the craziness of her home, Ruta manages to show us the humor behind the chaos. Ruta herself ends up addicted and must sever relationships with her mother in order to save herself and find a future. I greatly admired her decision to cut off all contact with her mother - this allowed her to break the cycle of addiction and find a future.With or Without You is a courageous account of survival and hope.

[actress133 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This gem is sure to join the pantheon of other heartbreaking memoirs. Domenica Ruta's writing is wry, funny, and touching. Even if you didn't grow up with a druggie drama queen for a mother, there will still be moments you can relate to because of Ruta's universal musings on childhood and the steps everyone must take towards independence. Although the subject matter is often painful, it was a joy to read.

[rolyat-2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

It must have been heart wrenching for Domenica Ruta to write this memoir. It obviously comes from a place deep in her heart and soul. An excellent read. By the end of the book, you have to respect the author for her truthfulness and admire her courage.

[bohemima · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Domenica Ruta has produced a realistic but still fascinating memoir of her very difficult childhood. Without the over-the-top humor of Burroughs or the almost saint-like forgiveness in "The Glass Castle", the author shows the devastating effects of rotten parenting and how very difficult it can be to get beyond them.Her obvioous sensitivity and her relentless repeated attempts to repair herself completely involve the reader in her life. I loved this story: it's gritty, revealing, horrifying and yet leaves the reader with a bit of hope at the end.I'd recommend this to anyone.

[emr093 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is a terrific book!! The characters are real, authentic, and the writing style is enchanting. I finished it in three days and enjoyed it as much as or more than The Glass Castle. It is an engrossing Coming of Age story that won't soon be forgotten. Highly recommend.

[justablondemoment · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Really enjoyed this book. Well written and kept me turning pages late into the night. The only thing kept me form a 5 star is the flow got confusing at times. Especially towards the end things took on a more frantic pace and became less defined. Excellent book though. Very gripping.

[jeanie1_1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

How do you review a so-so book without negating the authors' experiences?I could not connect with this book. I do not know if it is the writing style, the obtuseness or je ne sais quoi. Ruta had an unusual upbringing and has survived to become a functioning adult through her ability to finally say "enough is enough." Usually I can not put down memiors - this one I could. Curiosity drove me to finish the book.

[narshkite · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I received an Advance Readers Copy of this book through Librarything in return for writing this review, and while I appreciate the free read I assure you the review is wholly honest.This is a wonderful memoir. I was blown away by the author's grace, honesty, self-awareness, intelligence and skill. The promo materials and cover blurbs compare this to "The Glass Castle", and there are some obvious parallels, but I thought this more closely aligned with books from Mary Karr, Rick Bragg, Heather King and James Brown (the memoirist, not the hardest working man in show business.) Though there is some phenomenally bad parenting to be found here, this is at its heart a memoir of addiction and its legacies. The early 2000's saw a boom in addiction memoirs, some very good and others not so much. I would have thought the ground was saturated, but I do think Domenica Ruta has given us something that adds to the cluttered canon. Recommended for anyone who enjoys reading difficult but beautiful memoirs.

[c.archer · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the chance to read and review "With or Without You". This was an excellent memoir of a girl growing up with an addicted mother. I think she did a great job of showing the multiple sides of her mother and how this illness effects the mother/child relationship. I was blessed with a healthy, happy childhood, but this book helped me to see what it's like to grow up without either of those. Nikki, the daughter, does an excellent job of telling her story and giving you a look into what her life was like. She holds things together for such a long time, but inevitably her mother's life drags her down, and it becomes more about her fight back to regain her own life. This was a difficult book to read at times, but in spite of that, it was very worth it. Although there is little redemption in this story, we see reality and understand the hold that addictions can have over people. I found it to be an absorbing book, well worth reading. I recommend it to anyone who has been there or wants to know more about this illness. I wish Nikki continued success and most of all happiness in her life.

[phranchk · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I don't have vast history of reading memoirs. This is only my second so I don't have a lot to compare to. With that said, this book was outstanding on several levels. I loved the writing style of Domenica Ruta. She has a way of writing that makes the words just flow beautifully. As for her story, it was great that she never tried to make anyone feel sorry for her. She also touched on major parts of her upbringing without delving so deep into the details that she lost her readers. Her story is no more compelling than any of the other troubled stories, but it's the way she relayed that stands out to me. I will definitely be recommending this book.

[janarose1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Domenica grew up with a drug addled addicted mother who didn't really know how to show love and affection. This is a coming-of-age story, detailing Domenica's fall into drugs and her struggle to become sober.I thought this was a fascinating story. It was well written, well paced and interesting to read. I wanted more from the ending, perhaps a sequel is in order. On a side note, the description mentioned that her mother instilled in her a sense of art, but I didn't really get this through the story. I'm not sure where that comes into play. Overall, highly recommended.

[klockrike · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

A memoir about a dysfunctional family, addition and uncertainty. The book was good, but not in the class of some other autobiographic books such as The Glass Castle.